Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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 Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 4:37 am Post subject: How the heck do you improve your "presence?" |
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Is it possible to improve the intangible qualities that can make you socially more appealing?
I feel sometimes like I just give off a terrible vibe in all of my social encounters, and its an unspoken awkwardness and bad feeling so palpable you can cut it with a knife. I feel like even in conversations where I want a good result, I can try really hard to make good small talk, carry on the conversation, not get too overwhelming, etc........ I feel like sometimes I can come off as desperate if I want a conversation to succeed, and this can be off-putting. The root of the problem is really just my intangible qualities.
I can practice, practice, and rehearse for conversations and visualize what I might do, but it feels like overthinking. Trying to plan it or "social skills training" all feels so useless anyway, as its like memorizing and carrying out the steps to a dance, but completely without any "rhythm." Its because socializing all feels so "dry" to me.
I'm not especially desirous of having lots of friends, but there are times where I want or need a good result, but my "lack of personality" is a severe handicap.
I know I'm taking this quote from member Nilescrane, but you hear all of the time in sports things like, "Tiger Woods has "it,"" or "Derek Jeter has "it."" I think AS is sort of a complete polar inverse of this on the bottom of this spectrum. Those types of athletes above are the extreme positives with regards to socialization, talent, success, and basically every happy outcome.
AS feels like the farthest thing away from such joyousness, to where life is marked by struggle, failure, isolation, clumsiness. The biggest marker for me just feels like that automatic awful feeling when talking to anybody, and that mutual weirdness and feeling of ostracism.
When people talk about "improving social skills," I hear about focusing on the same relatively concrete things like "small talk." All of that is fine, but I pretty much know everything about socialization and hierarchies in a clinical textbook sense. (but I can't apply any of it.)
Also, its easy to say "Just be yourself," (as i hear often)........... however, that type of advice is fairly vague to me and a bit meaningless. I definitely don't have a "natural personality," and all of my interests are just 4 or 5 disconnected things that don't really come together coherently to form "a big picture." I am truly just kind of "a shell of a person," and I'm especially challenged for visible manifestations of "personality." I just really have nothing that is compelling about me, either superficially or in a deeper sense. I am almost like a giant void in a human body.
Sometimes I just really feel like mentally there is nothing going on. I have a few random special interests that no-one can connect with...... or i can talk about them, but its clear my passion is on an abnormal level from the social norm.
Anyway, what is there to do to develop having "it?" I would like to become naturally gregarious. It would great to just be sort of a magnet, even if it was just an illusion to temporarily have social success. Is there any way to be able to develop some sort of "X factor?" |
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lostmyself
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 05, 2011
Posts: 331
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 5:12 am Post subject: |
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I am always emulating somebody. When I was young I emulated my parents and teachers. Now I emulate friends. Its like I have no core and I take on what others around me drive into me. That is how most people are but I am a bit more empty than most people in terms of personality. My motto of life has always been for the benefit of others than for my benefit. I derived pleasure from helping others be than me being something.
This people saw as lack of self-respect. However I wasn't overly attached to people or maybe sometimes I did develop attachment. But, I was never too clingy. A friend I considered very close almost drew the life out of me by killing my reputation and throwing me out of work even though I helped her get over a lot things in her life. She knew I was diagnosed bipolar and very well knew my mental health issues but stabbed me in the back. On top of which she blamed me for lacking self respect and self-responsibility. That was when I realized that I needed a real personality, respect for that personality and that this personality has to me. I need to work on myself than work on others. I need a center from which I can work outwards. This feels like a second birth to me and I intend to make a better use of it to understand and build myself than be the nearly empty pushover I was. Though I had good intentions I learnt that I should be of first concern to myself.
I have been taking CBT and on call therapy (she answers my call whenever I am upset) from my psychologist since like a few months and almost cleared most of my mess up and the best things about this is many misconceptions about me have been cleared up. People said they thought of me as someone lacking self-respect and clear goals but a very nice person at the cost of that. Now whoever I meet tells me I seem more confident and less lost. Through all this I feel that meditation and mind conditioning have helped fill the void in me. Half my confidence comes from the fact that I have been dealing with depression more effectively than before and impulsiveness has gone down. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8234
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:44 am Post subject: |
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I worry about this constantly. I worry that I give off this sort of vibe what makes there look like there's something ''off'' about me, and I can't escape from it. When I tell my mum about it, it often ends up in an angry outbursts what involves me doing mad things like smacking myself in the face screaming, ''STOP GIVING OFF THESE f***ing C*****G VIBES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'' And I yell it so loud that it hurts my throat. Then I cry manically in my room because the thought of never being able to appear normal no matter how hard I try really frightens me, and sometimes I threaten to stay indoors and never come out, or commit suicide.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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Wallourdes
Klaymen
Joined: Jul 25, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 4589
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Take a look to sociopaths to get that done.
It's all about presentation.
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"It all start with Hoborg, a being who had to create, because... he had to. He make the world full of beauty and wonder. This world, the Neverhood, a world where he could live forever and ever more!" |
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fraac
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 8:02 am Post subject: |
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| I got into a dance music scene where the alpha male was a psychopath, he taught me (through osmosis) how not to care about anything. The drugs helped. Incredibly intense new feelings. I learned that however stimulating things got, I could deal with it. Useful lesson. |
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kurai
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Nov 10, 2011
Posts: 72
Location: germany
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 9:14 am Post subject: |
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mh, i think that i am a roleplayer helped a lot with this - somehow i managed to create a "social me" that i can (when in good condition) turn on and off for some sort of situations with strangers. it is something like the "idea of how i would be if i was a little more outgoing and self confident" or so.
but sometimes i think it's not a good idea to use this role/mask too often with people i meet more than once - people take it for real and don't know how to handle me when i am the real me (if energy is low or something triggers me or i am in some of my moods, i can't "play").
it's strange anyway, because it is me and not me at the same time. O_o |
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Wallourdes
Klaymen
Joined: Jul 25, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 4589
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 9:30 am Post subject: |
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| kurai wrote: | mh, i think that i am a roleplayer helped a lot with this - somehow i managed to create a "social me" that i can (when in good condition) turn on and off for some sort of situations with strangers. it is something like the "idea of how i would be if i was a little more outgoing and self confident" or so.
but sometimes i think it's not a good idea to use this role/mask too often with people i meet more than once - people take it for real and don't know how to handle me when i am the real me (if energy is low or something triggers me or i am in some of my moods, i can't "play").
it's strange anyway, because it is me and not me at the same time. O_o |
Same here, I've been sick a few days and revert to my basic state where I am more of a cold robot person instead of the socialite personality I usually perform.
I must say that I am and am not at the same time since i've grown into the behaviour I wear.
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"It all start with Hoborg, a being who had to create, because... he had to. He make the world full of beauty and wonder. This world, the Neverhood, a world where he could live forever and ever more!" |
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Cornflake
Rattles when shaken
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 30320
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:01 am Post subject: |
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[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Social Skills and Making Friends]
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Giraffe: a ruminant with a view. |
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whalewatcher
Blue Jay
Joined: Mar 14, 2011
Posts: 75
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 10:34 am Post subject: |
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I found this useful. It's from Games People Play by Eric Berne:
| Quote: | | "Adults need physical contact as much as children, but it is not always available, so we compromise, instead seeking symbolic emotional 'strokes' from others." |
I started aimng to give people I met an unconditional 'stroke' in some way. A small compliment, offering to help,etc. The sort of things people with Aspergers wouldn't normally think of, or actively seek. I found it made a difference and give me a loose framework to work with. Small talk and facial expressions can fit themselves into that as I work towards it. |
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sacrip
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 18, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 666
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 11:29 am Post subject: |
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It's simple: If you hate who you are, where you are, and what you're doing, everyone will know. Some people can perfectly 'mask' their vibes to appear happy and relaxed when they're really not, but most can't, at least not for long. So the way to not give off negative vibes is just to not be negative.
"But I HAVE to pretend first so I can GET everyone to like me so I don't BE negative." Unfortunately, this doesn't work more often than it does. To make friends, you have to be someone people want to be friends with. To get a girlfriend, you have to be content without one. It's kind of like a monk seeking enlightenment, in that wanting it before you get it makes it almost impossible to get.
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Everything would be better if you were in charge. |
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4559
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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Posture helps a lot. I changed my posture a good amount, that and looking straight ahead rather than at the ground. I changed those things, instant charisma, pretty much. Working out releases hormones, to basically make you more "alpha" so work out, too. Really, if you wanna be like a cool athlete, just become an athlete. For me, things have gotten much better for me now that I've started figure skating and lifting.
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Too kawaii to live...
Too sugoi to die! |
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DeadOperaStar
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 27, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 68
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| Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 11:48 pm Post subject: so |
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this is an interesting problem, and regardless of how all our ways of approaching it may individually differ, affects all of us pretty strongly. that being said, i'm gonna go ahead and differ now. i know quite well that my being different and presenting myself in ways that are chronically misunderstood isn't a good situation. this i know. but at the same time, i don't wanna just be like the other folks. yeah, i'm a guy, but i don't really put any stock into being alpha male or alpha dog or putting bass in my voice or any of that stuff. it's just not who i am. and i'm not comfortable with the self-hypnosis that self-help books and therapists commonly advocate. is that real self-confidence? i doubt it somehow. but if it works for you, i'm not really necessarily knocking it. just have my doubts as for myself.
so. it's a problem. on one hand, i can't stay the same. i know there are things about myself that have to change. i gotta get along with folks. i gotta function. i gotta finish what i start, find the things i'm good at, and apply myself fully to them. but how do you do that without doing a lot of stuff you don't identify with? it's not so easy, and it's not black and white. i'm not saying we should just crawl under the blankets and give up (well, maybe on the weekends, everbody needs some cave-in time, i think). i'm just saying.... maybe this is a long, long process that takes a good portion of your adult life to get through, or maybe it never really ends for some of us. does that sound pessimistic? i hope not. i don't mean it that way. |
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fraac
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
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| Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 2:12 am Post subject: |
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| Changing yourself won't help. Only accepting yourself will help. |
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registrateMe
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 7:33 pm Post subject: Re: How the heck do you improve your "presence?" |
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| Pengu1n wrote: | Is it possible to improve the intangible qualities that can make you socially more appealing?
I feel sometimes like I just give off a terrible vibe in all of my social encounters, and its an unspoken awkwardness and bad feeling so palpable you can cut it with a knife. I feel like even in conversations where I want a good result, I can try really hard to make good small talk, carry on the conversation, not get too overwhelming, etc........ I feel like sometimes I can come off as desperate if I want a conversation to succeed, and this can be off-putting. The root of the problem is really just my intangible qualities.
I can practice, practice, and rehearse for conversations and visualize what I might do, but it feels like overthinking. Trying to plan it or "social skills training" all feels so useless anyway, as its like memorizing and carrying out the steps to a dance, but completely without any "rhythm." Its because socializing all feels so "dry" to me.
I'm not especially desirous of having lots of friends, but there are times where I want or need a good result, but my "lack of personality" is a severe handicap.
I know I'm taking this quote from member Nilescrane, but you hear all of the time in sports things like, "Tiger Woods has "it,"" or "Derek Jeter has "it."" I think AS is sort of a complete polar inverse of this on the bottom of this spectrum. Those types of athletes above are the extreme positives with regards to socialization, talent, success, and basically every happy outcome.
AS feels like the farthest thing away from such joyousness, to where life is marked by struggle, failure, isolation, clumsiness. The biggest marker for me just feels like that automatic awful feeling when talking to anybody, and that mutual weirdness and feeling of ostracism.
When people talk about "improving social skills," I hear about focusing on the same relatively concrete things like "small talk." All of that is fine, but I pretty much know everything about socialization and hierarchies in a clinical textbook sense. (but I can't apply any of it.)
Also, its easy to say "Just be yourself," (as i hear often)........... however, that type of advice is fairly vague to me and a bit meaningless. I definitely don't have a "natural personality," and all of my interests are just 4 or 5 disconnected things that don't really come together coherently to form "a big picture." I am truly just kind of "a shell of a person," and I'm especially challenged for visible manifestations of "personality." I just really have nothing that is compelling about me, either superficially or in a deeper sense. I am almost like a giant void in a human body.
Sometimes I just really feel like mentally there is nothing going on. I have a few random special interests that no-one can connect with...... or i can talk about them, but its clear my passion is on an abnormal level from the social norm.
Anyway, what is there to do to develop having "it?" I would like to become naturally gregarious. It would great to just be sort of a magnet, even if it was just an illusion to temporarily have social success. Is there any way to be able to develop some sort of "X factor?" |
This is how I feel as well and I'm not sure what to do about it. I tried to change an learn "tricks" but it's very difficult to learn these things.. I believe it's a talent that some people are born with and if you don't have it it's very difficult to learn (if not impossible). Maybe it's better to accept that you don't have that talent and just do the best with what you have got...
I believe aspies are needed in other areas where social skills aren't so important. |
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MynameisAnna
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Posts: 48
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| Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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there is nothing to improve.
if pepole like you, they like you.
if they dont,they dont.
its important to just be yourself.
there is nothing off about you.
you are you you are one of a kind. |
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