rabbittss
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:56 am Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common. 
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 9354
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:02 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | yeah - that is essentally it. you're speaking in more concrete terms than i can really visualise, but the gist looks correct.
it's like.... it turns out i am not too bad at hip-hop dancing for some absurd reason. i did well in my class today and i am feeling good about an upcoming group competition. so today i have been walking around doing my usual daily routine like i am a gift to all humanity because I CAN ROCK THAT STAGE AND I KNOW IT!!!!!
or similarly, i am pretty good with a set of tools, so when i think about how i can fix a toaster i come across LIKE I OWN IT.
it doesn't matter that i am not fixing a toaster or dancing right at this minute. if i think about how i am a skilled and talented person in general (and everyone has skills, seriously *everyone*), then it comes across to other people when i interact with them. if i forget that and think about how i can't catch a ball to save my life or how i always lose my friends because i am not good at reciprocation, people will sense that instead. |
Hyperlexian, you have social confidence because you always had good social skills (as you've shown it in the post where I criticized the validity of your diagnosis).
You've dated plenty of guys, you've even got married once.
Even back to your old day schools, you knew how to initiate conversations, how to use eye contacts, how to tease, and all those subtle little things that NTs start doing them at school too.
So not it's because you did well once in some hip-hop dance course.
and you're feeling confident in hip-hop because you did well on that day, if you did terribly you wouldn't come here and say you're feeling confident in your hip-hop skills. |
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MXH
TomCat
Joined: Jul 29, 2010
Age: 22
Posts: 12494
Location: Here i stand and face the rain
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:10 am Post subject: |
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| smudge wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | smudge wrote: | | Women have to be picky as they have to be safe. Also, they're easily called sluts if they start asking out lots of men. |
Thats to sound as if men dont have to be safe or if they wont be looked down upon. A guy that goes through many women is known not for being a stud as many of you claim but as being someone whos afraid of commitment, insecure, user, etc. Its just as bad for guys as its for girls to be easy. |
Well, how many men get raped by women? Yes, it happens. But hmm, I think the number of women raped by men far outnumbers men who get raped by women. Assaulting I realise would be a smaller comparison.
As for guys being easy...I admit, I don't know how it is for you. But, I know women easily attack each other for it. |
Not just rape, but theres many reasons why a guy might want to be safe from women. Theres just as much of a chance of a crazy woman than a crazy man.
and believe it or not men dont fist bump to hearing theyve banged 50 women |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9301
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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| The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | I agree and was going to mention that but decided i was getting enough flak as it was. |
You know, there's a certain double-standard culture in this.
Girls are encouraged to be as picky as they can, while on the other hand, guys are encouraged to be as broad in their picking as they can. You can see it everywhere in the media, forums, PUA materials, in magazines, even in the magazines for women where you might encounter advice_for_guys articles and even on this forum I recall users of both genders commenting how guys using online dating should message as much girls as they can.... |
I don't know if you're generalization is true, but if it is, my theory would be this:
Too many men think with the wrong head when trying to pick women, and consistently pick poorly using that process. If they want to get a relationship that will last, they need to learn to look beyond the things they first notice, into traits of more substance. Just watch the current season of The Bachelor.
Too many women, on the other hand, undervalue themselves, and allow themselves to be with men that treat them poorly. Telling them to be "pickier" isn't about telling them to find men with more money, status or looks, but simply about getting them to realize they don't need to be with men who treat them like possessions.
Teen relationships, which is what started this thread are, of course, their own unique ball of wax. I would suggest that teen girls tend to develop crushes on boys they can't have and don't really want because it is "safe," ie no actual relationship will actually happen or have to be dealt with, you just get to live in your fantasy world of what it "could" be like. Most of them really are not ready for any relationship, so they do the crush thing instead. Girls who actually are comfortable in relationships at that age don't develop those crushes, or at least not at the same level, and just get busy dating real boys. I, myself, was something of a "crush" girl myself at that age, and no matter how much I thought I wanted to date and be in a relationship, the only ones I really could handle were with boys that due to logistics I couldn't see more than a few times a year. Thankfully, everyone grows up and things start to change as women and men become more ready to find the real thing.
_________________
Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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| The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | yeah - that is essentally it. you're speaking in more concrete terms than i can really visualise, but the gist looks correct.
it's like.... it turns out i am not too bad at hip-hop dancing for some absurd reason. i did well in my class today and i am feeling good about an upcoming group competition. so today i have been walking around doing my usual daily routine like i am a gift to all humanity because I CAN ROCK THAT STAGE AND I KNOW IT!!!!!
or similarly, i am pretty good with a set of tools, so when i think about how i can fix a toaster i come across LIKE I OWN IT.
it doesn't matter that i am not fixing a toaster or dancing right at this minute. if i think about how i am a skilled and talented person in general (and everyone has skills, seriously *everyone*), then it comes across to other people when i interact with them. if i forget that and think about how i can't catch a ball to save my life or how i always lose my friends because i am not good at reciprocation, people will sense that instead. |
Hyperlexian, you have social confidence because you always had good social skills (as you've shown it in the post where I criticized the validity of your diagnosis).
You've dated plenty of guys, you've even got married once.
Even back to your old day schools, you knew how to initiate conversations, how to use eye contacts, how to tease, and all those subtle little things that NTs start doing them at school too.
So not it's because you did well once in some hip-hop dance course.
and you're feeling confident in hip-hop because you did well on that day, if you did terribly you wouldn't come here and say you're feeling confident in your hip-hop skills. |
the bolded part is the point. thank you for confirming it. everyone is good at something, and it's a matter of keeping that in mind. if a person had a bad day with hip-hop, they could
quite often, a woman doesn't need confidence to get a boyfriend or to get laid. so your assertions about me make no sense whatsoever. i was using my own experience as an example of how to come across more confident in social situation and it can work very well. it has many important uses for me, but getting a boyfriend isn't one of them.
by the way, i wasn't born confident. you really don't know anything about me.
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 9354
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | yeah - that is essentally it. you're speaking in more concrete terms than i can really visualise, but the gist looks correct.
it's like.... it turns out i am not too bad at hip-hop dancing for some absurd reason. i did well in my class today and i am feeling good about an upcoming group competition. so today i have been walking around doing my usual daily routine like i am a gift to all humanity because I CAN ROCK THAT STAGE AND I KNOW IT!!!!!
or similarly, i am pretty good with a set of tools, so when i think about how i can fix a toaster i come across LIKE I OWN IT.
it doesn't matter that i am not fixing a toaster or dancing right at this minute. if i think about how i am a skilled and talented person in general (and everyone has skills, seriously *everyone*), then it comes across to other people when i interact with them. if i forget that and think about how i can't catch a ball to save my life or how i always lose my friends because i am not good at reciprocation, people will sense that instead. |
Hyperlexian, you have social confidence because you always had good social skills (as you've shown it in the post where I criticized the validity of your diagnosis).
You've dated plenty of guys, you've even got married once. I'v always been in the camp "enhance your skills; learn new skills, and social confidence might follow".
Even back to your old day schools, you knew how to initiate conversations, how to use eye contacts, how to tease, and all those subtle little things that NTs start doing them at school too.
So not it's because you did well once in some hip-hop dance course.
and you're feeling confident in hip-hop because you did well on that day, if you did terribly you wouldn't come here and say you're feeling confident in your hip-hop skills. |
the bolded part is the point. thank you for confirming it. everyone is good at something, and it's a matter of keeping that in mind. if a person had a bad day with hip-hop, they could
quite often, a woman doesn't need confidence to get a boyfriend or to get laid. so your assertions about me make no sense whatsoever. i was using my own experience as an example of how to come across more confident in social situation and it can work very well. it has many important uses for me, but getting a boyfriend isn't one of them.
by the way, i wasn't born confident. you really don't know anything about me. |
That doesn't sound much you, you've always disagreed with other male users when they say that females have it easier.
And hey, you have a good attitude regarding confidence; but I still don't get how a confidence in one skill would be transferred to social confidence. Maybe getting confident in dancing would make you blend more easily in parties? if so then it makes sense.
and no one is born confident, it's acquired, usually at a young age. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them.
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14837
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
So clearly you assume people who are your ideal type are dick heads for not giving you a chance? Why should they? Maybe you aren't theirs.
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www.aspergersgirl.com |
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AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2048
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:04 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them. |
While your statement is true, I think that The Face of Boo is countering this point by saying the double-standard in some cultures lies where men have to be the confident ones since they're the ones doing the pursuing. Based on that, it's hard to stomach the "just get some confidence" advice given, even though it might be the one thing to close the experience gap, so to speak. |
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 9354
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them. |
and men don't have it easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love too. |
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rabbittss
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
So clearly you assume people who are your ideal type are dick heads for not giving you a chance? Why should they? Maybe you aren't theirs. |
That's fine. It doesn't mean I can't still resent them for it. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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| AScomposer13413 wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them. |
While your statement is true, I think that The Face of Boo is countering this point by saying the double-standard in some cultures lies where men have to be the confident ones since they're the ones doing the pursuing. Based on that, it's hard to stomach the "just get some confidence" advice given, even though it might be the one thing to close the experience gap, so to speak. |
there are double standards for women too - men are simply not expected to put as much time and effort into their appearance, nor are they judged on their appearance as harshly. nobody really has it "easier" in dating.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
So clearly you assume people who are your ideal type are dick heads for not giving you a chance? Why should they? Maybe you aren't theirs. |
That's fine. It doesn't mean I can't still resent them for it. |
it's hypocritical. also your behaviour is resulting in fewer dating opportunities and is ultimately making you unhappy. since you have some control over that, it makes no sense for you to decry women's behaviour towards you.
if you were doing everything you could do in order to successfully date women yet were rejected for shallow reasons, your complaints would be logical and you would find that people are more sympathetic to you.
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AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2048
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | AScomposer13413 wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them. |
While your statement is true, I think that The Face of Boo is countering this point by saying the double-standard in some cultures lies where men have to be the confident ones since they're the ones doing the pursuing. Based on that, it's hard to stomach the "just get some confidence" advice given, even though it might be the one thing to close the experience gap, so to speak. |
there are double standards for women too - men are simply not expected to put as much time and effort into their appearance, nor are they judged on their appearance as harshly. nobody really has it "easier" in dating. |
I was referring to more the concept of the chase in a relationship rather than double-standards as a whole, but your point still stands nonetheless. Hum...just noticed there was one of your posts I wanted to directly reply to, hyperlexian, but I think there might be too many posts in-between  |
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rabbittss
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common.
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
So clearly you assume people who are your ideal type are dick heads for not giving you a chance? Why should they? Maybe you aren't theirs. |
That's fine. It doesn't mean I can't still resent them for it. |
it's hypocritical. also your behaviour is resulting in fewer dating opportunities and is ultimately making you unhappy. since you have some control over that, it makes no sense for you to decry women's behaviour towards you.
if you were doing everything you could do in order to successfully date women yet were rejected for shallow reasons, your complaints would be logical and you would find that people are more sympathetic to you. |
That's fine, I accept the judgement. If I wanted a date so badly I was willing to take anything I could get, I could go to town right now and have a girlfriend inside of a half an hour. But she'd be nothing to me, with no ability to ever have her be anything to me. I'd be settling and accepting the judgement that I was desperate. But I'm not going to settle. It wouldn't be fair. If I settle, then as soon as something better came along I'd ditch the one I'd settled on since I wouldn't be in an honest relationship in the first place.
If I settle then I'm not being fair to myself either, since I'm conceding that I can't do any better, which I know isn't true.
Furthermore, I don't consider "Not having anything in common" to be a shallow reason not to date some one. This is the heart of the matter. I find women all the time that I have nothing in common with, who are interested in me. But all the ones I find who are interesting to me, and with whom I share a great deal of common interests.. they always only want to be friends, or are dating some one else who is just like me except faster off the chalks. |
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