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EmmaUK12
Spork
Joined: May 19, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 2748
Location: England
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 Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:56 am Post subject: |
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| How dare you? I mean all of the stuff i've dealt with and then this, well no way am i giving up. |
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Bun
Bunnymen
Joined: Jan 09, 2012
Posts: 3250
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| Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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| I technically 'have someone', why do I always think about other people and potential partners?... |
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puddingmouse
exclamation mark!
Joined: Apr 25, 2010
Age: 26
Posts: 7320
Location: Cottonopolis
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| Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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I am sick of having nightmares, especially the ones where I try to kill myself because I actually feel like I'm dying when I wake up. I still get compulsive thoughts about dying/being hurt. It's emotionally taxing and makes me feel exhausted.
It's really annoying because I'm starting to recover from depression, otherwise. I think my meds might be making it worse but I'm worried about coming off them. I think I'll make an appointment with my doctor in a month's time and tell I want to cut down by just 10mg, and see how that goes. If it's not the meds (I was like this before I went on them, tbh) I don't know what to do. I think therapy would help, but I wish they'd hurry up with the bloody ridiculous waiting list.
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I'm written in a language even I don't understand - but I am learning. |
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MjrMajorMajor
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2012
Posts: 3570
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:44 am Post subject: |
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| Why are there so many idiot drivers on the road lately? Why the heck does everyone think the laws apply to everyone but themselves? |
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MathGirl
Sykologist
Joined: Apr 12, 2009
Age: 22
Posts: 2827
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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i hate the fact that i am human
i hate the fact that i have to live in this society
the fact that it's made me into an empty shell
the fact that i've been pushed into normal
and now that i'm somewhat normal, or "high-functioning", i feel like a lie because i want to be true and hate lying
people are fooled by my appearance but then realize how socially clueless i am and drop me
i hate that
i hate changes
then i want people to see who i really am and it's breaking me down when i can't
i wish i could isolate myself from other people
i wish i didn't have to explain myself in order to avoid social situations i loathe
i've lived my whole life trying to please people because i've never cared about myself and did not want to be a nuisance in other people's lives
and i wanted to make other people happy
but then i couldn't
but i really tried
i wish i was invisible
i wish i had no feelings
because i have feelings and i want to express them but i'm not allowed because it takes time to express them
i type because i find it harder to explain them verbally
and i can't go on with life if i write someone a letter and get no response
there's no way out
people don't understand me
i want out
I WANT TO BE PERFECT
and it breaks me down when i realize i'm not...
I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH MY THOUGHTS
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
I'D RATHER NOT KNOW WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
BECAUSE IT IS A MENTAL CONFLICT
I WANT TO PLEASE EVERYONE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I DON'T WANT TO BE A FRAUD
I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND WHO I TRULY AM
I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A MASK
I DON'T WANT TO BE A SHELL
I DON'T WANT TO BE TWO-FACED
I JUST WANT TO BE ME
PLEASE
GIVE ME THE FREEDOM TO BE ME
DON'T TELL ME THAT FEELINGS ARE WRONG
I AM TIRED OF IT
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS NICELY
AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU UNDERSTAND
I WISH IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT PEOPLE THINK
I WISH I COULD JUST HIDE AWAY AND NOT INTERACT WITH THIS CRAZY AND CONFUSING WORLD!
sorry. i'm crying and need to let this out. can't help it.
p.s. i have one person in mind as i'm writing this. if you stumble across this, please know this. i have to let you go but i don't know how to do this nicely. i don't understand why you want to be my friend but are so critical of everything i do. it's been making me depressed. you don't know me. you can't make judgements about me. you've never lived with me. you don't know what's going on inside my brain. and i'm tired of explaining because it's not getting through. and i am not depressed because i'm weak. i don't self-injure because i'm weak. i put on the happy mask most of the time because that's what the society wants me to do. but i'm not a robot. unfortunately.
goodbye.
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Studying for exam; will be back on WP in 3 days |
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Bun
Bunnymen
Joined: Jan 09, 2012
Posts: 3250
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I have a feeling it's not my week/month/etc. |
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Circle989898
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
Posts: 1954
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 9:41 am Post subject: |
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| no concentration |
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identity
Disconnected
Joined: Mar 21, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 7518
Location: South West UK
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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| I always struggle to write anything actually expressing an opinion I have on here, I had hoped it might get better but it isn't. I have started to write several posts today and then pressed the back button. |
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irene
Toucan
Joined: Aug 14, 2008
Age: 64
Posts: 259
Location: Kissimmee, FL-frequently somewhere in Disney World
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| Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 12:55 am Post subject: |
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I started my life off with 3 cousins on my mother's side of the family, and 2 on my father's. From my father's side one went on to college when I was probably 8, and his sister had no interest in speaking to me. Now from the other side Donald died about 35 years ago, and Judee died of lung cancer last year. I was told today that Joel, the last one left, has cancer in almost his entire body.
Once Joel dies the only family I will have left will be my mother, who is 91, and my brother, Marc. I am positive that Marc is autistic, but he does not want to go for a diagnosis. It isn't even like he he has lots of friends, and could pass for a NT. No, not all. When the two of us were about 8 he complained to my mother about me.  Her response to him was if he didn't like the way I treated him he shouldn't talk to me. He still doesn't. What an ass! And he makes these peculiar facial expressions when he speaks. Does he see other people doing that?
Even with the fact that the only person who has ever been interested in hearing from me is my mother. Unless you think I should include Judee who wanted to hear from me only if I were to call her. Talking to her on the phone was just very frustrating since she did all the talking in some pretentious sounding voice.
But even with knowing that my relatives were not interested in hearing from me I still felt good knowing that were still here. Should I have mentioned that my father, who probably was autistic, died one month before my 17th birthday?
I know I am ranting and raving right now. The reason for it is that I wanted to talk to someone right now, and I have no where else to go.
My BFF that I live with told me when he got back from work that my mother called him to let him know Joel's status in the hospital. After I couldn't get her on the phone, either one landline or cell, I decided to check his phone to see which telephone she used so that I would just call that number. Her number was not listed. So where did he get this information? Just to be sure he didn't mix up the dates I checked up to about a week ago. Not one call from my mother.
You see the reason I mentioned the BFF and the phone call is when I spoke to my mother she didn't mention anything about Joel dying within one month or sooner. It bothers me that it can seem as though he made up the whole story. Unless I didn't hear what my mother said when she called.
I hope I didn't run amok with this whole thing. I just needed to know that there is someone/people that I can talk to if I feel very bad or very lonely. Thanks people for being there for me. How about a virtual group hug? No! I said virtual!  |
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Candles15
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 31, 2011
Posts: 175
Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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Why do I never feel happy within myself. There are times where I actually think; OK, I've got this and I can take on life but times like these where I'm left feeling really low and can't do anything about it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I do everything and try and live a good life. But life never gives me anything in return. Why can't the a phrase "You get as good as you give" be true?!
Why do people never seem to care about anything about others? I'm so sick of listening to people. I always feel responsible for other people's happinesses and after listening to them going on about their lives, I feel so low because I feel like I live other people's happinesses. Why can't they realise friendships are two way things where you ask questions about each others interests and get to know each other rather than me just asking questions to pass the awkward silences. Why can't noone understand that no matter how happy I act, I'm dying inside for a hug or a friendly word. I'm so sick of acting like this confident, happy person that everyone think I am. I'm broke inside.
Man, I'm a mess. |
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MXH
TomCat
Joined: Jul 29, 2010
Age: 22
Posts: 12686
Location: Here i stand and face the rain
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| Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2012 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I keep failing to remember why i bother trying. With all obvious things its easy to tell ill be proven right yet again. |
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godoftruemercy
Toucan
Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 296
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| Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 12:12 am Post subject: |
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I really don't want the disease I probably have. I really do not want the myopathies, the exercise intolerance, seizures, dysmotility...
but really, I don't care about those things. I care about the dementia.
DEMENTIA. I don't care if it's forty years down the pike. I don't care. I don't want it. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it. Nothing horrifies me more. Nothing scares me more.
Dagnabbit, how am I supposed to go on? |
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886
Mongolian Platypus
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 5270
Location: seattle
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| Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:28 am Post subject: |
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So I have everything I want..
4 years ago I complained how life sucked. I'd never be happy, I'd never find love, and I could never get a decent job.
So let's see.
I'm 22. I have a career, a great one at that. I really enjoy my job and it pays well. I have a good 401k going, and alot of money. I have a great girlfriend who understands my autism and helps me through my struggles and loves me for me, and I love her.
So.. why the hell am I still horribly depressed? I got what I want in life.. I always complained I never had enough, and I'm STILL unhappy? Is there just something in my brain that's been horribly mangled? I have no right to complain or be depressed... I have what I want and what I need.. and yet still for some stupid reason I still struggle to find the courage to get out of bed every morning/afternoon/whenever the hell I wake up these days.
I blame autism. Not something alot of people want to hear around here, omgz autism is a gift ur lucky ur so smart!@1!1!!! Autism is a nightmare.
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If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing. |
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irene
Toucan
Joined: Aug 14, 2008
Age: 64
Posts: 259
Location: Kissimmee, FL-frequently somewhere in Disney World
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| Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2012 8:06 am Post subject: |
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Hi, 886 How are you doing today? Sorry that this will not help your situation, but what I can tell you is that I know for a fact that your feelings are not exclusive to autistics. There are plenty of non-autistics aka NTs who feel exactly the same thing.
When I get depressed I try to think of the cause for those feelings. I'm looking for a legitimate cause. Not something along the lines like I'm short, I'm autistic, my decision to retire, etc. It is possible not to be depressed under those conditions. So far I don't think that I have ever found one.
My conclusion is that feeling depressed is something that my brain knows how to do very well. In fact it does it so well that I consider it to be my 'default thinking program'. For me I find that if my brain has absolutely nothing to think about it will head IMMEDIATELY over to depression.
I hope you don't think that I am trying to be one of those people who say "Snap out of it!" My mother used to do it to me and I hated it.
What I am saying is that if you may find that you no longer have a real reason to feel depressed. You did say that you never thought you would be happy, find love or get a decent job and now you have it. I really think that having all of these things is a really big change, enormous change.
For me I think of my brain as a computer. My conclusion for feeling depressed is that I am using the wrong operating system. I know that I am really happy but I just don't feel happy. That just means my thoughts and feelings are not being processed properly. Like I said before this is something that is not exclusive to non-NTs.
Please let me know if you understand all of this, please? |
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Ashuahhe
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 30, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 693
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| Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 5:37 am Post subject: |
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| I had a great day...until I got home. I had been walking all day, with classes rushed and no breaks to eat or drink. Without food, I get very irratible and not to mention very weak. So I got home, wanting to be left alone, wasn't left alone and yelled at by my boyfriend. He didn't get it that I was not in the mood to be social nor be happy enough to share a room with him. So here I sit, in the dining room. There is not a single room in the house where I can't be left alone. Not happy. |
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