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cthulhureqiuem
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 12, 2011
Posts: 47
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 Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 11:25 am Post subject: lost and confused. |
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So i have no idea what i want to put here really... expect a rant im thinking.
im in college right now... working on my BA in psychology. my gpa is abysmal at this point and im stuck plugging away at a foreign language class trying to finish my degree. the trouble is, im sitting here looking at my life and finally getting a handle on why ive had to struggle so damned hard to get by (only recently diagnosed). im starting to realize that i will never really be able to support myself or live on my own... i can barely manage ADL's on my own without someone reminding me "basic" stuff like brushing hair / teeth... and turning off the stove and all of that...
anyways...
i do not want to be on ssi, and my fiancee (who is on ssi and autistic himself) seems to think that it will be fine and that i will get onto ssi easily... but i do not want that, i want to work and contribute to society, but at the same time i can not seem to get the hang of school... the homework just keeps piling up and i have a mountain of work that i can not get myself to focus on. every time i try to discuss this with my fiancee he just tells me about how great it will be if i am on ssi, and its starting to really get on my nerves. i dont know how or what i will do other then getting on ssi...
i WANT to attend graduate school and do research specific to trans identified individuals and individuals with autism... but my grades are preventing me from getting into any graduate programs... i do not know how to ask for the help that i need and indeed i do not really know what help it is that i need... i just know that i am floundering and that if this continues i will lose my financial aid and i will be stuck with a huge pile of student debt that i have no way of repaying.
i am sick to death of everyone telling me how smart i am... and how i could do anything i put my mind to. i miss my old job (98c sigint analyst) but can not rejoin the military due to a medical condition they feel disqualifies me from service. and i have no other idea what i can do to support myself
when i can barely manage to get through a day at school... and when i get home i feel so damned exhausted that i cant do anything other then fall asleep immediately.
im working with the disability support services office at my university... but they are a very hands off group... that you have to advocate for yourself with... and i feel so confused whenever i try to ask for help through them... i have no idea what all they Can do for me... and what things are not possible...
i am beginning to think that the worst thing that has happened to me (academically) is finding my fiancee, because of him i moved out of my mothers home on the illusion that i could manage to support myself (with EXTENSIVE support from the fiancee making that possible... but his efforts are not sustainable). i am starting to feel that i need to discuss with him about either moving back in with my mother or finding some other way to help keep me on task with my homework. i dont want to fail my classes, and i dont want to have to tell him that i think i can not pass them while it is just the two of us together.
the only thing that finding out that im autistic has done for me so far... is replace (some of) the looks of fear and disgust that i see on peoples faces with looks of pity...
does anyone else have this problem? what have you done to help set things up for yourself. any suggestions are appreciated, since my only other plan has been one that is not the most well thought out involving knives and a short period of pain followed by oblivion...
desperate and confused
deanna |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 12:33 pm Post subject: School problems |
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1. You and your boyfriend are not a match. He just wants to coast as a dependent on SSI. You want to be an independent wage earner. There is no point of compromise there.
2. Before continuing with college you need to figure out just what it is that you really want to do, and then go after that.
3. The fact that you are always tired indicates that you are taking too many courses at once. Take less courses. It will mean taking longer to finish, but overloading your schedule has physically wiped you out, and continuing on that path will lead you to having to drop out.
4. Move back in with your mother, get a part time job, and scale back the courses, so you will have time for both the job, and a few courses. The part time job can help pay current bills, and perhaps some of the college debt.
5. Consider taking at least a year off from school, to take on a full time job, so you can put some money aside towards paying off the school debt.
6. How about online courses. Some of the online colleges have free courses. The free ones don't offer credits, or certificates, or degrees, but can still be mentioned on resumes.
7. When dealing with any kind of assistance offices, first write down what your problems are, and what help you feel you need, and then you can show those notes when you go to the place for help.
Hope these ideas help. |
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Looneytunes
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
Posts: 162
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| Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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I can't agree with Questor.
I have had this all of my life, and I have the same problems you do.
As a matter of fact, there are times where I am mentally exhausted - having done nothing except solved all the problems of the rest of the world - while I have not even cleaned my own house in several weeks other then running the vac and washing the clothes and dishes.
In the middle of the day sometimes - I take a nap for a hour or two and then go back into the routine I built for myself `13 years ago.
Wake up, clean up, do a little computer work, eat, do some more computer work, eat, watch the news at noon, go for the mail, do a little more computer work, take a nap, wake up, start cooking supper, do a little more computer and radio work, eat, do a little more computer work, watch the 6 PM news, do a little more computer work, - take a break, watch some television, go back do a little more computer work, report the weather for the local television stations, do a little more computer work, watch the 11 PM news, do a little more computer work and maybe listen to my ham radio or WSM? Tenn AM 650 country western station on the radio.. Go to bed, sleep a little, get back up and do it all over again.
ON a really good day, I design antenna's, put up antenna's, adjust antenna's, go on job interviews, shop, go to church, wash the vehicles - (3) and cut the grass and take care of the garden ( 14' x 16') can vegetables in season, repair other peoples vehicles, do home maintenance, do maintenance for other people and help the elderly.
Where would I get time to go to work?
Looking for a job is a full time job when no one is hiring.
Most people gets into Psychology because they have unanswered questions and they are looking for answers.
Because my home-life was all screwed up when I was a kid, it did not just affect me - it also affected my siblings.
Although I was the person getting the beatings - they were all traumatized by seeing me being beaten.
Because my dad was stingy and they had to wear hand me downs and second hand clothes - later in life they all became hoarders like my dad.
My sister Carol, who is the most screwed up of all, works as the manager of a series of group homes. Yet she barely pays her bills and she barely manages her affairs
She drives a 1998 Chevrolet Malibu - which my brother sold her 10 years ago for $2400.00 because she did not have reliable transportation. A Chevrolet Malibu is like a ticking time bomb - you never know when it is going to explode.
We warned her not to keep it for very long.
We had $5000.00 into the car and only drove it 6 months before we sold it to her.
our advice was to drive it through the winter / save your money / sell it in the spring for more then what you paid for it, and use the proceeds from the sale to buy something better.
My sister Carol thought, as long as it starts and it runs and it gets me from point A to point B , I don't need a new vehicle.
meanwhile, her children are getting new computers, going to the prom - wearing $800 dresses and $100 shoes - none of them works. Going to Penn State and not living in the dorms.
Asking her for money which she doesn't have.
Requiring her to maintain a house she cannot afford.
They even made her divorce her husband, because the oldest daughter did not get along with the father and she was always getting phone calls while driving to work - and had to come home in the morning - before school, to break up the fights between the daughter that didn't want to go to school and the father.. Can you see the correlation here?
My sister even thinks that she got a 100,000 mile, bumper to bumper warranty with the car and every-time it breaks down she is coming up or calling on the phone trying to get us to repair it for free, or at least donate the labor.
Her kids don't work, the all have their own rooms - both at home and at school - because they don't get along with anyone.
They have their own cell phones - the bill is astronomical.
They refuse to work.
I could go on and on.
So my sister had to declare bankruptcy because she charged everything as far as she could go and she couldn't pay the credit card bill and she refused to shut anything off or tell the kids NO!
She even bought a used - 2yrs old car - which her oldest daughter took to school and already put 50,000 miles on it - going out partying and screwing around with guys from school who takes her places and buys her stuff - because she puts out and has a car.
Meanwhile my sister cannot get to work because the old Malibu is running on 2 cylinders and borrowed time.
As others will tell you - you need to get rid of the dead beat boyfriend that doesn't care about anything as long as the free money is rolling in and find someone who does care and will yell at you if he needs to to get you to do what you need to do to do what you need to do to get ahead in this world.
Unless your parents are millionaires - they are not going to support you the rest of your life, but then again, they will probably help you out a little.
Mental Health - unless you have a Masters Degree - doesn't pay a whole lot of money.
When my sister lost her job 7 years ago, she was making $24,000 a year and had been there for 20 years.
Meanwhile her boss got a $24,000 raise or bonus - which sent her screaming out the door, and I had to have her committed to the local mental ward of the hospital for 7 days.
The sad thing is - she knew what to do and what to say and they left her out after 3 days because they said she was not harming herself.
When they committed her, she exposed herself to me.
I saw her naked.
She was anorexic - which runs in my fathers side of the family.
Her body was just all skin and bones, you could count her ribs and the skin just hung off her body like a wet blanket.
It physically made me sick.
She was drinking vodka and was eating peaches and Cottage Cheese.
Just the sight of a container or Cottage Cheese or a can of Peaches is enough to make me nauseous.
For the love of god - find yourself a different profession.
Save yourself before it is too late! |
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cthulhureqiuem
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 12, 2011
Posts: 47
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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thank you both for your input(s)
not likely to leave my fiance considering we have been together for 2 years now and been through a lot...
he and i have been talking about the issue a lot more now though...
also totally learned not to post something on wrongplanet when you should be calling the suicide prevention hotlines instead.
thanks again. |
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Looneytunes
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
Posts: 162
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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I think I made a reference the other day to the old Television Program The $64,000.00 Question.
I would probably be the person standing on the sidewalk yelling - you'll be sorry - if you contemplated jumping.
Threatening to hurt yourself with knives and scissors is nothing more then a pathetic plea for help.
I don't respond to stimulus like that.
Must be a female thing or something...
I have been HOMELESS and I have never had the desire to hurt myself.
You got to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps everyday if you want to make a go of it in this world.
College is not always the answer.
If everyone went to college - who would pick up my garbage? |
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