fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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 Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:21 am Post subject: "Pushing your buttons" |
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Does anyone else have this happen a lot? I do!
My friends and family find it very amusing to bring up subjects I'm passionate about, then create arguments so that I'll sit there and monologue about why such and such is great or right or whatever. Then at the end, they'll be like, "I really don't care, I was just pushing your buttons."
What the heck? How do I tell the difference if someone is genuinely debating with me, or basically just encouraging me to defend my opinion for 'amusement'?
Like, just now, I was defending one of my favorite bands to a friend (calmly and logically), and he continued the conversation for a while, then said "I was just pushing your buttons...I don't really care about them either way." 
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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Fnord
Enigmatic Threadkilling Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 17848
Location: Stendec
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:25 am Post subject: |
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As long as you have "buttons" to push, you will be someone else's source of amusement - their toy.
Learn what your "buttons" are and how to recognized when they're being "pushed". |
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Nim
Depersonalized Aspie
Joined: Sep 08, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 3510
Location: Away
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:28 am Post subject: |
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| Do you let up or do you keep discussions goinggoing until they concede? |
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fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:33 am Post subject: |
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| Nim wrote: | | Do you let up or do you keep discussions goinggoing until they concede? |
Oh, I'm one of those who persist on, quite admittedly. But, I do so thinking that someone is genuinely interested, because hey, they are the ones who brought it up! If I knew someone wasn't really interested, I would not pursue it any further.
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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Fnord
Enigmatic Threadkilling Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 17848
Location: Stendec
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:33 am Post subject: |
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| Nim wrote: | | Do you let up or do you keep discussions goinggoing until they concede? |
Women will tend to keep the discussion going until the man concedes the point, not realizing that the man "conceded" just to get the woman to STFU! This way, the woman thinks that she got her way (again), and will leave the man alone until it dawns on her that he never really conceded the point - he just said that he did.
And then it starts all over. |
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fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:35 am Post subject: |
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| fragileclover wrote: | | Nim wrote: | | Do you let up or do you keep discussions goinggoing until they concede? |
Oh, I'm one of those who persist on, quite admittedly. But, I do so thinking that someone is genuinely interested, because hey, they are the ones who brought it up! If I knew someone wasn't really interested, I would not pursue it any further. |
P.S. It's gotten easier to determine when this happens at home, because there are certain topics someone will bring up, and another relative will shut it down almost immediately, saying "don't get started," so now if someone mentions one of those topics to me, I just shake my head or whatever, knowing they are antagonizing.
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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TheSunAlsoRises
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 02, 2011
Posts: 1039
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:43 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | What the heck? How do I tell the difference if someone is genuinely debating with me, or basically just encouraging me to defend my opinion for 'amusement'?
Like, just now, I was defending one of my favorite bands to a friend (calmly and logically), and he continued the conversation for a while, then said "I was just pushing your buttons...I don't really care about them either way." |
Often-times, people use the 'pushing your buttons' defense as a way to end a debate that they are losing. It implies that they really did not care and it's an easy out from further discussion.
Other times, people like to just f*ck with you. Funny thing with me though, i feel strongly in reciprocation, I'm an equal opportunity offender. LoL.
TheSunAlsoRises |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14827
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:45 am Post subject: |
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Have you tried telling them that it bothers you when they do that and you would like them to stop? If they can't respect that then they aren't being very good friends. But sometimes people do mess with each other in good fun, so it could be they don't know it really bothers you and that is all they are trying to do so make sure and be clear about that.
Other then that if they do it to knowingly make you feel bad, then they aren't real friends and well your family should also respect you enough not to intentionally upset you.
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14827
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:46 am Post subject: |
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| fragileclover wrote: | | fragileclover wrote: | | Nim wrote: | | Do you let up or do you keep discussions goinggoing until they concede? |
Oh, I'm one of those who persist on, quite admittedly. But, I do so thinking that someone is genuinely interested, because hey, they are the ones who brought it up! If I knew someone wasn't really interested, I would not pursue it any further. |
P.S. It's gotten easier to determine when this happens at home, because there are certain topics someone will bring up, and another relative will shut it down almost immediately, saying "don't get started," so now if someone mentions one of those topics to me, I just shake my head or whatever, knowing they are antagonizing. |
That was another thing I was going to say, just don't engage them...sometimes that works,
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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naturalplastic
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 27, 2010
Posts: 4611
Location: mid atlantic coast usa
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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Any subject that you have an intense desire to speak at length about is probably a "button".
The more you wanna talk about it the more others want to trick you into looking like a freak by seeming to give you an excuse to speak at length about it.
So those are the topics to be wary of others bringing up.
And you might try to write about those subjects in a blog and get it out of your system. |
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FireMinstrel
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 06, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 596
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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Look carefully at their faces. Are they smirking as they engage you? Or are they looking at each other? Both are signs that they're messing with you/
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"I'm sorry, I seem to have a tin ear for other people's feelings..." -Naoto Shirogane |
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fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, guys. This all seems to be good advice. This latest occurrence was on Facebook, so if there were cues to be seen, I wouldn't have known, anyway. It just bugged me, because I was about to continue reading Bossypants, but noticed this person commented on my status, so I took the time to reply, and continued to do so for quite a while. I feel like it was a waste of time and energy, but would not have felt that way had the person been genuinely interested.
I definitely don't think he was trying to be mean, though. Now that I'm looking back on it, the first comment he made seems to be an obvious joke, and I should have responded in a similarly jokey/sarcastic way. But, I read it as serious, so took the time to defend myself. He's a very nice friend, so I think he probably continued responding to be nice, then got tired of it because he wasn't serious in the first place.
My family, on the other hand, do it constantly and to antagonize. 
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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Reynaert
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 73
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:18 pm Post subject: |
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It's quite likely that "I was just pushing your buttons" is a cop-out, because they lost the argument and don't want to lose face.
What I would do is call them on that. Simply claim that they are copping out, and are unwilling to admit defeat. Even if they really were pushing your buttons, they can never prove that, and you end up ahead. |
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jojobean
sacred clown
Joined: Aug 13, 2009
Posts: 3341
Location: In Georgia sipping a virgin pina' colada while the rest of the world is drunk
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Reynaert wrote: | It's quite likely that "I was just pushing your buttons" is a cop-out, because they lost the argument and don't want to lose face.
What I would do is call them on that. Simply claim that they are copping out, and are unwilling to admit defeat. Even if they really were pushing your buttons, they can never prove that, and you end up ahead. |
agreed...make them prove that they didn't lose the argument. 
I usually mess back with those messing with me...make them work for it anyway.
My advice is to go on the offensive when they do this, but not too much or there will be escalation, which is bad.
Jojo
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All art is a kind of confession, more or less oblique. All artists, if they are to survive, are forced, at last, to tell the whole story; to vomit the anguish up.
-James Baldwin |
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PaintingDiva
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 28, 2011
Posts: 334
Location: Left coast aka Northern California
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 2:03 pm Post subject: Really, your husband and family think this is funny? |
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My first take on the OP's post was, 'Wow what an unsupportive, unkind family and friends; let us set her off on one of her favorite topics and watch her go for fun and amusement'.
If you enjoy being the center of their attention and amusement, then it is all good but since you posted on WP asking for feedback I am assuming you don't really like this routine.
I would suggest telling all those who have admitted that they enjoy pushing your buttons and you don't like it, not one little bit. It also is not helping you at all with your social skills in the NT world.
Or as has already been suggested, figure out what your buttons are and develop an awareness so you know when you are being 'baited'....I have caught myself many times, when I know I am starting a serious monologue on one my favorite current issues and I usually, hopefully, cut myself off before it is too late....
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What did that writer call it? David Finch? That hot lava flow of words' ? that erupts and .....OMG I am talking too much about my favorite subject again and boring my friends and family to death, or in your case you are amusing them because they enjoy pushing your buttons...but you do get to decide and if you no longer wish to play this game, then you need to tell your nearest and dearest to cut it out.
Better to have your husband tug his ear, or some agreed upon visual signal, so when you are at a party, for example, to let you know that you are on a rant and boring and/or inadvertently amusing everyone. |
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