nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9737
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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 Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 1:03 pm Post subject: Why do people in unhappy relationships want others to be? |
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My cousin who's a year younger than me recently broke up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to do a serious relationship & she never wants to get married & have kids. My aunt keeps going on about how sad it is that my cousin will be an old-maid & how she's being very irresponsible. My cousin works a lot & likes going out & having fun when she's not working & she's very happy with that. My aunt is in a bad marriage with my uncle & I don't recall them ever being happy together. Couples like that are the people I feel most sorry for. I got to thinking how the people I've known who are in unhappy relationships are the 1s who have the most issues with others being single. Do people in unhappy relationships want others to be unhappy like them 
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PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2697
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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Sometimes it's jealousy...
I think it is unfair that your cousin is being told off for a relationship that did not work for her.
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Ellendra
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 22, 2011
Posts: 127
Location: Wi, USA
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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| People who are in an unhappy anything tend to try to make others miserable as well. That's where we get the saying "misery loves company". You can see the same dynamic in most heated discussions here on WP, as well. |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:46 pm Post subject: Relationship issues |
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Part of it is that misery does love company, but a large part of it is that being married, or at least in a relationship, is the basic adult relationship norm. NTs are always trying to get everyone, whether NT or not, to meet the basic norm patterns of living and behaving. It seems to be a kind of herd behavior characteristic, and they get very uncomfortable when dealing with someone who deviates from the herd norm, even when the deviation is harmless, like being a happy, solitary non-herd person, or just not wanting to get married. Once they are uncomfortable with someone's non-herd behavior pattern, they will do everything in their power to try to force the non-norm, non-herd person to conform to the herd norm. And they get very frustrated, and eventually angry if they have trouble getting someone to conform. They will of course, take out their anger on the one who is not complying with becoming normal.
That's one of the reasons I prefer to live alone. My life is much more peaceful and is much less stressful this way. |
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9737
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:57 pm Post subject: Re: Relationship issues |
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| questor wrote: | Part of it is that misery does love company, but a large part of it is that being married, or at least in a relationship, is the basic adult relationship norm. NTs are always trying to get everyone, whether NT or not, to meet the basic norm patterns of living and behaving. It seems to be a kind of herd behavior characteristic, and they get very uncomfortable when dealing with someone who deviates from the herd norm, even when the deviation is harmless, like being a happy, solitary non-herd person, or just not wanting to get married. Once they are uncomfortable with someone's non-herd behavior pattern, they will do everything in their power to try to force the non-norm, non-herd person to conform to the herd norm. And they get very frustrated, and eventually angry if they have trouble getting someone to conform. They will of course, take out their anger on the one who is not complying with becoming normal.
That's one of the reasons I prefer to live alone. My life is much more peaceful and is much less stressful this way. |
I guess misery loving company could be some of it. The people I've known in happy relationships were a lot more accepting of others being single
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Zinnel
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 404
Location: Missouri, USA
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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I've seen this too everyonce in a awhile and often or not its not because they want someone to suffer in a relationship. Its the fact that they want to live through someone elses happy relationship while theirs is crashing to the ground. So your aunt probably does want the best for your cousin, because she sees hope that your cousin will have or can have a better relationship than her own. And the idea that she might never see that happen is kind of upsitting to her.
For some people's families, having the "young and unmarried" people tell the rest of the family that they never want to get married
is like telling a gardener that their flowers will never bloom, long after they've planted the seeds and waited their whole life to see that happen
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Dilbert
Will work for love
Joined: Mar 30, 2009
Age: 39
Posts: 1728
Location: 47°36'N 122°20'W
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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Misery loves company. Some folks are just envious of other's success.
"When are you going to get fat like the rest of us?" - someone actually asked me that. Same thing. |
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TeaEarlGreyHot
Your Maya
Joined: Jul 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 28105
Location: California
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:49 pm Post subject: Re: Why do people in unhappy relationships want others to be |
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| nick007 wrote: | | My cousin who's a year younger than me recently broke up with her boyfriend because she doesn't want to do a serious relationship & she never wants to get married & have kids. My aunt keeps going on about how sad it is that my cousin will be an old-maid & how she's being very irresponsible. My cousin works a lot & likes going out & having fun when she's not working & she's very happy with that. My aunt is in a bad marriage with my uncle & I don't recall them ever being happy together. Couples like that are the people I feel most sorry for. I got to thinking how the people I've known who are in unhappy relationships are the 1s who have the most issues with others being single. Do people in unhappy relationships want others to be unhappy like them |
I don't think it's that they want them to be unhappy, but people that stay in unhappy relationships tend to have this belief that coupling is what life is all about and if someone doesn't they must be unhappy. Also, many times when you're in an unhappy marriage (especially for years at a time) you get good at lying to yourself.
"I'm not unhappy, this is just how life is."
I can't imagine your Aunt really wants your cousin to be miserable. She just has a very black/white view of life and how it's supposed to be.
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Lene
born to lurk
Joined: Nov 28, 2007
Posts: 3543
Location: East China Sea
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| Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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Some people are so scared of being alone that they consider being in an unhappy relationship better than being in none at all. They are unable to see that not everyone feels the same way.
Perhaps they need to convince themselves that all single people are unhappy to validate their own decision? |
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