Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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 Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:53 am Post subject: |
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At this point, I frankly don't know how the normies do it. I talk to people out and about all of the time, but I'm not one to just randomly go up and solicit people for practice. There is no way I can do that. The heck with that.
I don't mean to be outright rejecting the "friends" route, but with my AS, that is just not a possibility. I just have to hope I can somehow, some way, make a connection with somebody without having to "become an NT." |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:01 am Post subject: |
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| Pengu1n wrote: | At this point, I frankly don't know how the normies do it. I talk to people out and about all of the time, but I'm not one to just randomly go up and solicit people for practice. There is no way I can do that. The heck with that.
I don't mean to be outright rejecting the "friends" route, but with my AS, that is just not a possibility. I just have to hope I can somehow, some way, make a connection with somebody without having to "become an NT." |
Well I wasn't talking about approaching supermodels, I was just talking about taking baby steps and socializing with people out and about, analyzing and observing how other people socialize so you can become better at it. I think awareness is the key, if you can build more awareness and practice with someone that is good at socializing, a trusted family member of friend that is aware of your situation, maybe they can point you in the right direction or show you what you are doing wrong, perhaps it's a body language movement or a quirk you have.
Other than that, I would also suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a psychotherapist that is used to dealing with patients that suffer from social anxiety. Learning the basics is what you need, if you're trying to run before walking, you aren't going to get far. If you are thinking about all of your social rejection, anxiety, fear and failure all in one when you are walking up to approach a girl, you are already setting yourself up for failure, you need to believe in yourself and start to take a more positive approach to this.
Also as hyperlexian said, don't feel bad about being in the friend zone or simply making friends with a girl, it will help you to socialize more, it can lead to other opportunities, it can help you develop a social circle and land you invitations to parties where other opportunities to socialize and make new friends will arise. As people on the spectrum, we don't store social skills in some part of our brain or learn them naturally, we have to hone them through practice, practice and more practice, not social isolation. |
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Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:15 am Post subject: |
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^ I agree with you. Actually, I have a very good "awareness" of social situations and social skills. I actually have a very acute social radar, and tbh, I think I have a better textbook understanding of social skills than 99% of the population. I've read many self-help books (dos and don'ts of being social, etc, etc............)
While I know WHAT to do in ANY given social situation, my failure is always in the execution. I've tried and tried to actually do things and put some skills in to practice (things like the laws of power, etc,) However, it ALWAYS comes off like I'm doing the steps to a dance, but I did not pick up on the rhythm.
Part of the problem is that I am TOO aware, and that makes me paranoid and possibly overreacting to other people if things start moving too fast in an interaction.
Its NOT that I've been sheltered and isolated to the point where my social skills eroded and deteriorated...... Its not that I just don't care and I'm totally tuned out to other people. Believe me, I have went at length to practice and master all NT social skills, and I even devour such books on the subject when I cross them at a bookstore. I really do know what to do, in a learned sense, but I just can't translate it to anything that comes across well for me.
Its like if some people took Salsa Dancing........ they could practice it for years and years, and memorize all of the steps. However, if they just don't "get it," and have that flair and those lines, and the right rhythm, it just won't become anything. My mom studied such latin dancing for some time, but she was similar in that she just never "figured it out," even though she memorized all of the steps. She always just looked like a robot going through the routine, try as she might to get it smooth. |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:39 am Post subject: |
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| Pengu1n wrote: |
While I know WHAT to do in ANY given social situation, my failure is always in the execution. I've tried and tried to actually do things and put some skills in to practice (things like the laws of power, etc,) However, it ALWAYS comes off like I'm doing the steps to a dance, but I did not pick up on the rhythm.
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Exactly, textbook knowledge never equates to practical knowledge or skill, someone can spend hours reading about how to drive a car but they won't know how to drive it until they actually do it and if you make a wrong move or you are unable to adapt the situation, you could end up in a collision, it's similar to socializing.
In other words, I think you need to let go so you can adapt to the changing situation and by doing that, you will be able to execute more smoothly.
It sounds like you know what to do in terms of creating a good first impression and attraction but it's preplanned, you haven't designed it to adapt to the ever changing world or social situation around you, you only know how to respond like a robot because you have predetermined and planned the interaction already in your mind, you need to become more smoother in your execution. If you are putting up a facade or trying to mimic traits that you don't really have or that aren't really you, you will come across as transparent and someone that is simply faking confidence in an attempt to compensate for something else. |
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Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:45 am Post subject: |
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^ Exactly, but if I could be flexible like that, then I think I would just be an NT.
I just feel like I could write off the whole social facet of my life sometimes. For me, socializing feels like what it might feel like to a morbidly obese person being forced to run a marathon day after day. |
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fraac
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:36 am Post subject: |
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| To get girls you have to create a big safe world for them. It's pretty simple. Find a psychopath and model them, then use your advantage of actually feeling things. If they have a boyfriend and you can offer a bigger or safer world, you get the girl. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:43 am Post subject: |
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Boo, you beat me to it. fraac, you can put black bars across the eyes of those females. other people can judge if they are beautiful or not instead of me. and this 'big safe world' thing needs some solid evidence.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 11:48 am Post subject: |
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Pengu1n, i don't think you need massive numbers of friends, but if you do not have any friends at all, i question whether you are ready for a girlfriend. Wolfheart had great advice for getting socially comfortable just talking to people, and his therapy ideas are spot-on. i think you might need to establish a better foundation for doing regular interactions before you worry about getting a girlfriend
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fraac
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | Boo, you beat me to it. fraac, you can put black bars across the eyes of those females. other people can judge if they are beautiful or not instead of me. and this 'big safe world' thing needs some solid evidence. |
If you think you can judge beauty from a photograph that says a lot about why you don't understand girls. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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so they are beautiful on the inside and not the outside? because i am pretty sure that hale_bopp was referring to physical beauty. it is pertinent to the discussion at hand. your claims are big, but your evidence is non-existent, including you theories about what women want.
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Zinnel
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 404
Location: Missouri, USA
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:16 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah learning to make and keep friends would be a good start. First off its just good to have friends so you can get use to other peoples personallities. Secondly the most common of meeting new people(potential girlfriends in your case) is through friends and their established connections.
I've allways found it alittle underhanded and kind of using people, but it happens alot.
And don't overwelm yourself with too much, because then you'll just shut everyone out. I for one can't handle more than 6-14 friends at a time. Keeping tract of all thoughs personallities gives me a headache.
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lightening020
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 23, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 657
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:33 pm Post subject: Re: Every girl I ask out "already has a boyfriend." |
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| Wolfheart wrote: | | Pengu1n wrote: |
I just don't understand why it has to be this way for me, and why my straits are so dire in the romance department. It sucks so bad as I just can't "make it happen" with any girl for some reason. I can elaborate more, but for the sake of brevity, I'll wrap it up here and respond or elaborate if anybody has any thoughts on this for me.
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Four girls? You say four and you're complaining about rejection? That's defeatist talk and you know it. It's about being able to create a good first impression to get a foot in the door, once you do, you can worry about maintaining relationships and the other stuff, you might be bad at relationships to begin with but that's just life, you'll learn from those experiences and grow as a person but don't worry about that at the moment.
Slow down, you're trying to run before you can walk. The only concern you should be worried about is creating a first impression, a good one, that will get a foot in the door with everything.
Seriously you're not approaching enough, you need to get out there and start approaching more people, In fact, talk to everyone, old people, people in the store, people on the bus, just start talking to people so you feel more comfortable socializing and build your skills in it. |
Honestly I can't stand this kind of advice. If not for the fact thats its been said before millions of times, its almost the same as "GET CONFIDENCE". There is a reason why somebody like the OP or me doesn't go talking to random people out of the blue just for the hell for it. Not only is there nothing to say most of the time, it just isn't natural. I'm sick having to "force" myself to do this and do that. Sick of pretending.
When I leave the house and go to supermarkets, banks, even schools, downtown, etc I observe. I see most of the time, most people mind their own business. I don't see random people chatting up other random people just for the hell of it. Very rarely do I actually see this. And if it is happening its just a couple sentences and a joke and then that is the interaction and its over. If I saw more people doing that, I would have a better idea about how to do it.
To just go and start talking to random people everywhere you go sounds like a very bad idea. Not only are you going to look like a fool and not a confident person, you are going to realize that you look like a fool and its going to cause you further shut yourself off. Not to mention there are always some douche turd who takes a completely harmless thing you said and turns it around against you, causing further social embarrassment.
Maybe it worked for you, and that I can respect. Maybe you already had a decent social circle to build your foundations upon, and that gave you some initial confidence to talk to other people.
My guess is that OP really does want guy friends. He just really wants a girlfriend first because it is nagging away at him for so long.
Last edited by lightening020 on Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:42 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26031
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Why don't you just try talking to women on here? Have long conversations with them. Build up 'practice' (although don't think of it like that or tell the person you're talking to that it is). Be honest with them.
I wish you the best of luck. |
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Chooty
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Nov 24, 2008
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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this can be just conincidence, especially if you are in a wrong environment.
however what would often happen to me is that I hit on girls and only found out far to late they had a boyfriend. I guess it's because I (we) don't pick up those clues early enough. |
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Tom5
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 12, 2011
Posts: 70
Location: תל אביב, ישראל
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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If you are extremely horny like me but not so attractive-looking then you just need to lower your standards.
Go for less attractive girls, you will not regret any of your decisions because we only get to live once. |
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