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Recon
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jan 04, 2007
Age: 42
Posts: 58
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 Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:44 pm Post subject: Regarding being a fit parent |
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Hey all. Its been a while since I've posted but I have a sticky situation I need to get some general consensus on in the AS community.
First off, I'm not diagnosed, but I have considered myself as "AS probable" for about 5 years. I married a woman back in 1996 and we had a daughter in late 2007 who is now four years old. My wife abandoned me last August and took our daughter with her along with all our savings and she's been on this campaign to defame me and try to get the courts to remove me from her life. The family court battle is intense, and vicious. She's accused me of sexually abusing my daughter even though its ridiculously false and there is no evidence whatsoever. She's been making up anything she can to get the courts to view me as an unfit parent because her pattern is always to accuse others of horrible things and alienate them. I'm convinced she's a genuine sociopath. As in, antisocial personality disorder. Possibly paranoid schizophrenic.
But this isn't about her. The investigation by the authorities on the sexual abuse allegation have ended, and they found no evidence to suggest abuse. So now she's switching gears and wants to try and say that I have AS and that this somehow means I am an unfit parent for my daughter. The truth is, I am actually a pretty good parent. Sure I could use some help to round out anything I might be lacking in skill, but isn't that true for everybody? She's going to be saying that if I have AS that I won't be able to meet my child's emotional needs because I won't be able to read her emotions or body language, or intuitively know how to deal with the challenges of being a father. This is ridiculous and if I do have AS, its a rather mild case anyway because I'm not nearly as socially awkward as I once was, and I understand people a whole lot better than I used to. I'm 41 years old now, and in time you learn a few things about human beings.
Anyway, I wanted to post here because its the most active AS community I know of and I can trust you all to come up with authoritative reasons why having or not having AS is irrelevant when it comes to being a legitimately qualified father of a small child.
Thanks |
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vermontsavant
My father 1934 to 2010
Joined: Dec 08, 2010
Age: 37
Posts: 1779
Location: Bellows Falls,Vermont USA
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:30 am Post subject: |
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great post and im sorry you have to go through all that.my only advice would be get a good divorce attorney.i cant imagine having AS would make you a unfit parent.if its not to late can you edit your post and repost it in "love and relationshps" or "the haven".im not sure this is the right sub forum for this subject.sincerly and best wishes
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Abstract concepts are for those who dont know there facts.Liaison for the political forum.Please contact if you have any questions or problems |
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Mithos
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 22, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 685
Location: Ponyville, Equestria.
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:31 am Post subject: |
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Damn, that's pretty bad.
_________________
{{Certified Coffeeholic.}}
I have Severe ADHD (Diagnosed), Tics and Mild OCD. [Fully Alert, Test Retaken.]
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Your Aspie score: 128 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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jat
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 30, 2008
Posts: 566
Location: Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:32 am Post subject: |
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You need to get an attorney - a good one. The fact that you consider yourself AS probable is probably not evidence of anything in court. If you haven't been diagnosed, it shouldn't be admissible to establish anything about your neurological status. You can't diagnose yourself.
She, on the other hand, has lied to authorities, by claiming that you abused your child. She has shown herself to be a liar, and to want to interfere with your relationship with your child. Those factors should weigh heavily against her.
Of course, we don't know anything about all the rest of the story, so there's no way for us to know how things are likely to progress, but getting a good lawyer, and being honest with your counsel, are imperative. |
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Cornflake
Rattles when shaken
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 30444
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:53 am Post subject: |
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[Moved from Autism Politics, Activism, and Media Representation to Parents' Discussion]
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Giraffe: a ruminant with a view. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:42 pm Post subject: Re: Regarding being a fit parent |
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| Recon wrote: | Hey all. Its been a while since I've posted but I have a sticky situation I need to get some general consensus on in the AS community.
First off, I'm not diagnosed, but I have considered myself as "AS probable" for about 5 years. I married a woman back in 1996 and we had a daughter in late 2007 who is now four years old. My wife abandoned me last August and took our daughter with her along with all our savings and she's been on this campaign to defame me and try to get the courts to remove me from her life. The family court battle is intense, and vicious. She's accused me of sexually abusing my daughter even though its ridiculously false and there is no evidence whatsoever. She's been making up anything she can to get the courts to view me as an unfit parent because her pattern is always to accuse others of horrible things and alienate them. I'm convinced she's a genuine sociopath. As in, antisocial personality disorder. Possibly paranoid schizophrenic.
But this isn't about her. The investigation by the authorities on the sexual abuse allegation have ended, and they found no evidence to suggest abuse. So now she's switching gears and wants to try and say that I have AS and that this somehow means I am an unfit parent for my daughter. The truth is, I am actually a pretty good parent. Sure I could use some help to round out anything I might be lacking in skill, but isn't that true for everybody? She's going to be saying that if I have AS that I won't be able to meet my child's emotional needs because I won't be able to read her emotions or body language, or intuitively know how to deal with the challenges of being a father. This is ridiculous and if I do have AS, its a rather mild case anyway because I'm not nearly as socially awkward as I once was, and I understand people a whole lot better than I used to. I'm 41 years old now, and in time you learn a few things about human beings.
Anyway, I wanted to post here because its the most active AS community I know of and I can trust you all to come up with authoritative reasons why having or not having AS is irrelevant when it comes to being a legitimately qualified father of a small child.
Thanks |
Ok well first of Paranoid Schizophrenia and Anti-Social PD are two totally different conditions that are not related, so I would not suggest putting them in the same catagory...or where you meaning she might have both conditions? but whatever that is not the point of this thread like you said.
So anyways is your wife a psychiatrist? if not she can tell the courts you have AS all the want and at best they would require you to get tested for having AS.....but other then that I don't think having AS means you're an unfit parent. Some people such as myself with AS probably would not be but we're all different and have different strengths and weaknesses. She would have to actually prove you are un-fit, also if she keeps switching her story I am sure the authorities will catch on and they don't typically like liars.
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13495
Location: My house
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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| She could be doing the parent alienation syndrome. It's common in ugly marriages when they go through a divorce so the parent will make up any lie they can about their spouse to keep their kids away from them. They will also manipulate the judge with their lies and make their kids lie too in court. This has nothing to do with schizophrenia or APD. I hate it when parents do that to their kids and I don't understand it. |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm not a lawyer but I do work in the legal system though not in anything related to family law. Knowing what I do about the rules of evidence, I would say that I just can't see any court of law accepting her argument that being AS makes you an unfit parent. There is no evidence to support that argument. And to go one further, she only has an allegation that you have AS, there isn't any proof that would be admissable in court that you do and even if there was, return to my first statement. It sounds like all she has are allegations and suppositions. I think if I were in your shoes, in addition to a good attorney, which I hope you already have, I would hire a psychologist who would be willing to interview you and testify for you. I'm not exactly sure if that kind of thing is done in family court or not, though so take that advice with a grain of salt. Has the court ordered any kind of observation be done by a third party such as a social worker? I would think the court would want an informed opinion from an expert like that before any decisions regarding custody or visitation are made. |
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jat
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 30, 2008
Posts: 566
Location: Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 5:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Bombaloo wrote: | | I think if I were in your shoes, in addition to a good attorney, which I hope you already have, I would hire a psychologist who would be willing to interview you and testify for you. I'm not exactly sure if that kind of thing is done in family court or not, though so take that advice with a grain of salt. Has the court ordered any kind of observation be done by a third party such as a social worker? I would think the court would want an informed opinion from an expert like that before any decisions regarding custody or visitation are made. |
Not to contradict, but ... don't hire anyone without consulting with your attorney. None of us knows the jurisdictions, the law, or the players involved in your case. Your lawyer will know these things. It may be a good idea to hire a psychologist to evaluate you and testify on your behalf, but it may be the worst thing to do - you might be opening a can of worms. These are trial strategies best left to an expert - your lawyer. |
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mntn13
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2011
Posts: 1006
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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OP
I went through something very much like this. You can pm me if you want specific details. It was very painful and at times I was just about broken.
What finally ended it favorably for me was that I demanded a psych eval of all three of us. It cost a lot of money and I had to borrow money to pay for my share. It ended up showing that my ex was antisocial, and a bunch of other stuff and showed his drug use too. So all the claims he and his fancy lawyer were making about me turned out to be un-true of course and the lady at the court kind of humiliated him which was very gratifying. He dragged me through a year of this and it probably was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I had a lawyer who got me through, and now my daughter is 19 and won't have anything to do with the other parent.
Be strong, tell the truth and don't let them win. Always keep your daughter's best interests at heart and you will be allright.
edited once. |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:19 pm Post subject: |
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| jat wrote: | | Bombaloo wrote: | | I think if I were in your shoes, in addition to a good attorney, which I hope you already have, I would hire a psychologist who would be willing to interview you and testify for you. I'm not exactly sure if that kind of thing is done in family court or not, though so take that advice with a grain of salt. Has the court ordered any kind of observation be done by a third party such as a social worker? I would think the court would want an informed opinion from an expert like that before any decisions regarding custody or visitation are made. |
Not to contradict, but ... don't hire anyone without consulting with your attorney. None of us knows the jurisdictions, the law, or the players involved in your case. Your lawyer will know these things. It may be a good idea to hire a psychologist to evaluate you and testify on your behalf, but it may be the worst thing to do - you might be opening a can of worms. These are trial strategies best left to an expert - your lawyer. |
As I said - take it with a grain of salt. Your lawyer will certainly know best. |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9299
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:50 am Post subject: |
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Given how many people misunderstand AS, this concerns me. The reality, as I see it, is that someone with AS is just as capable of being a good parent - or a bad parent - as anyone else, because there is no magic wand that makes any specific characteristic the one and only essential thing that makes or breaks the result. Parents are as varied as the children they raise, and often there is no right and wrong, just different.
But I know there are psychologists out there who seem to feel that having AS and being married are mutually exclusive concepts, and so on. They don't seem to realize that AS is only one piece of who someone is, and the other things matter a whole lot, too.
I also know there is a lot of negative material on the Internet about AS individuals as parents. She'll have no problem pulling up a treasure trove of stories that make it sound hopeless, even though those stories do not, in fact, have anything to do with you and prove nothing. Hopefully the judge simply won't allow it, but what if he's clueless about the breadth of AS, too?
It seems to me that since you are self-identified but not diagnosed, the whole thing should be inadmissible. The focus should be on the evidence that comes from the very real interactions you have had with your children.
Gather witnesses and testimonials from people in your local circle, people who have had the opportunity to see how you are with kids, and with your kids. Talk to people, see what they would be willing to do. Don't follow her lead and make this about the label; I don't think you have to play that game. Be proactive, not just reactive. Make it about the tangible realities of how you are as a parent.
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Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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Think of the greening of my name as an emeritus thing; I used to be a moderator but am retired and have no authority to act |
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bethaniej
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 10, 2010
Posts: 162
Location: Charlotte, NC
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:01 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I'm about your age. I have a daughter diagnosed with AS, and I have come to see over the past 5-7 years that the speech/sensory/anxiety/attention problems i had as a child were probably AS...and that my dad's sensory/anxiety/temper issues he had while we were growing up were probably AS. I think it runs in my family. Am I a fit parent? I think so. Sometimes I struggle, but I've really...over the years...done my very best to put my daughter's needs first. I read a lot of books about being a good parent (I read a lot), and over time I learned what to do and what not to do. Also from experience, I am actually able to read her very well. Everything from being able to tell up to a week in advance that a meltdown is coming on. Hugging and tuching are difficult for both of us. She usually only wants a hug that she initiates...but that's one issue I have always had, I never know when to hug or when not to, and hugging always feels a bit awkward to me, unless I really feel i need one, so we are alike in that way.
I probably have a little bit of an issue with consistency and with discipline. My expectation is that she should be a reasonable human being, and she isn't always (from my perspective). That frustrates me. But she's now 14 and we have a very open parent child relationship. She's pretty honest with me, and I trust in general that she's telling me the truth. I try to be straight with her about stuff...and she tries really hard to take my advice if I talk to her at the right moment.
So back to you....I think you will just need to speak up for yourself about what kind of a parent you are. I think remaining calm and sticking with the issue (and not any relationship baggage between you and your X) is important. I can say that from experience, being a divorced single parent myself. Good luck, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I have a friend (no AS involved) who went through, and years later is still going through nasty custody issues with her X....it's soooo stressful for her, but it's mostly just not good for the kid. I wish people understood better what this kind of thing does to children.
Bethanie |
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momsparky
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2734
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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OK, to directly answer the OP's question: without a doubt, a person with AS can be a good parent. Without a doubt, they can be a bad one. Most of the current treatment for people with AS suggests that persons on the spectrum can learn what they need to know in order to provide appropriate emotional interactions with the people around them. Like any disability, it's largely a matter of whether or not you're willing to do what it takes to manage it.
I'm also curious if the strategy of implying you have a disability is even legal...but what would I know... |
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Chronos
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5231
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:32 am Post subject: Re: Regarding being a fit parent |
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A large number of parents here with children on the spectrum have AS.
There is absolutely nothing to suggest that those with AS have poor parenting skills. In fact those with AS may excel in some areas of parenting, more than NTs because they are more likely to be consistent and might have a more simplistic socialization style more compatible with that of their children. |
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