AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2044
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Zinnel wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | Pengu1n wrote: | ^No, I do think they deserve mates, but I don't understand why not having social skills should be looked at so different as not having physical or mental skills.
I can't put myself in their shoes though as I've never had any girl ever say or even hint that she was attracted to me. I would not even know what "attraction" feels like as its never been directed back towards me. I've never had anyone besides a relative even care about me or show the slightest interest in me. |
it's not looked at differently, necessarily. but a lot of it is how you package yourself. if a person is fat and confident, they have a better chance that they will find a mate than if they seem insecure or if they hate themselves. basically, if they act like:
yes world... i'm fat but so what? i am ALL THAT
they will have more success than if they are acting like:
please don't notice me, world... i am fat but i wish i was a skinny and worthwhile person |
wait, wait, wait, wait....So an overweight guy is more successful is he acts like this "
please don't notice me, world... i am fat but i wish i was a skinny and worthwhile person"
is that what your saying? just want to clarify |
I think she means the reverse quote:
An overweight guy is more successful if he acts like this:
yes world... i'm fat but so what? i am ALL THAT
EDIT: I'm wondering if there's actually a self-confidence thread in L&D or anywhere else on WP... |
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Zinnel
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 404
Location: Missouri, USA
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| Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | no, i think my sentence doesn't come across right. lemme revise it. |
Muuuuuch better, for second there I thought the world had turn up side down or something 
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keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out |
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Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:34 am Post subject: |
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I think there's just something horribly wrong with me tbh. I have no idea what evil I have done in my life to compel me in to such loneliness. I can tell even in the tone from posters on here, that they clearly think I am just some sort of troglodyte with no confidence and no social skills. I'm not a bad guy, but everyone seems to just think I am, even when I just write things on here. People insist I don't even "understand attraction," or have a first-hand knowledge of what that feels like and to have it reciprocated........ it sucks something BIG. I might just be better off crawling back in to my cave..........
I know when I was in Middle School and High School, I NEVER even talked to girls except for what was mandated by class. I was WAY too shy and timid to ever even attempt 1 conversation or flirt that whole time. Needless to say, I never took anybody to a school dance, or held hands in the hall. Stuff like that was way beyond me at the time.
I definitely know though that by not participating in those crucial rites-of-passage, I was absolutely missing out on that key development. I never learned or was even able to practice going up to girls, and getting feedback in that controlled environment with ample opportunities whether or not my approaches were acceptable and working.
While most school-age relationships obviously don't last in to adulthood, its obvious to me that having them is extremely vital practice for the future. I was one of the few kids who NEVER practiced interacting with girls when I was young, and its clearly returned to cripple me now. When I was a boy, even the other "nerdy" boys chatted up and went out with the nerdy girls, but I did not even do this (I was not even accepted by the nerd cliques.)
I would love to know what it feels like to actually care about someone and be cared about back. For some reason though, I just can't get past the first step, as something about me is so terribly off-putting when I make a first impression. I know I'm smart enough to fix myself, but its like all of this is just a massive mystery to me. Its all so jacked up always having to try and "force" things, and putting such a strenuous effort in to correcting everything you do. Its hard enough just to function. |
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mds_02
Skank
Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Posts: 1942
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:51 am Post subject: |
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| Pengu1n wrote: | | I can tell even in the tone from posters on here, that they clearly think I am just some sort of troglodyte with no confidence and no social skills. I'm not a bad guy, but everyone seems to just think I am, even when I just write things on here. |
Not the case at all.
It's just that there is clearly something in your approach to interacting with women that is not working.
You do not know what it is, and cannot tell us. Since you cannot tell us, we cannot give you specific advice regarding how to fix it. Since we cannot be specific, the best anyone here can tell you is to go out and get as much practice as possible so that you might be able to figure out, through trial and error, what you can do that might work better. |
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Daemonic-Jackal
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 16, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 581
Location: Salford, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:38 am Post subject: |
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Do some of the women giving 'advice' in this thread really need to be so condescending towards the OP?
Clearly there is room for improvement regarding his attitude but talking down to someone will only make them dig their heels in and stick to their guns even more.
Also remember this.
Confidence cannot be turned on & off like a tap (therefore making sound so simple is illogical) and being lied to isn't very nice. How would you feel if everytime you asked someone out they said they were already spoken for and you knew half of them wasn't being truthful? Oh wait, the same women patronising the OP here, would be the first to complain about it. But there lies the problem, because it's not traditional for women to make the first move, many of them don't know what it's like to be rejected when asking someone out.
By all means give advice, but don't keep putting the boot in and making guys who want to let off a bit of steam feel worse then they already do.
_________________
"Every cripple has his own way of walking. " — Brendan Behan
http://www.facebook.com/YentonianCarlos |
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pastafarian
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2011
Posts: 542
Location: London
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:31 am Post subject: |
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| Pengu1n wrote: | | I think there's just something horribly wrong with me tbh. I have no idea what evil I have done in my life to compel me in to such loneliness. I can tell even in the tone from posters on here, that they clearly think I am just some sort of troglodyte with no confidence and no social skills. I'm not a bad guy, but everyone seems to just think I am, even when I just write things on here. People insist I don't even "understand attraction," or have a first-hand knowledge of what that feels like and to have it reciprocated........ it sucks something BIG. I might just be better off crawling back in to my cave........... |
Theres nothing wrong with you. Its a feature not a fault. Its a matter of statistics and finding the right girl. You either need to be much more strategic in where you look, more targeted, or you trust to time (which is on your side very much still). I've not read the whole thread so don't know much about the chat. BUT we've chatted briefly and I find you eloquent and thoughtful and I'm quite sure all that pent up passion for the "right girl" will make you a lovely and sexy boyfriend when you find her. But she is not in the places you are looking.
You need to focus and up your chances by making sure effort is spent in the right places.
Personally I think all this talk of beautiful/normal girls, and practicing in public places is a red herring.You need to know more about HER.
She is 25+ and single. She is emotionally very smart and probably well-educated. She has had a series of very dissappointing NT boyfriends, with none of the drive, passion to get really close to others, or deep universal kindness that is lurking in you. Thats a f***ing sexy combination to a smart girl.
She finds your AS a massive part of her attraction to you, and will have no trouble zooming past the "wrong" thing - which Im guessing is simply some superficial body language/ slightly quirky vibe.
She will see the whole of you as deeply beautiful and your body/body language/"wrong" thing will become seriously sexy. She will wonder how she could have ever fancied a man without that "wrong" thing. The rest of the dating world will seem very superficial and dull.
I'd want to chat to you in a bar, honestly (but I have my own quirky man) and you do seem to have gone into this forensically so you know a lot about yourself.
Try university courses, libraries, adult education courses, summer schools learning about almost any subject, buddhist retreats, yoga retreats, massage courses. Volunteering. Online dating (with a theme like the environment or a walking club, or "Guardian" readers online dating. Just be strategic.
Its not about you its about finding her.. so please don't give up. |
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pastafarian
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2011
Posts: 542
Location: London
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:40 am Post subject: |
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Penguin.
Just in case you think its appearance, post a photo (no you dont have to). I swear to my personal god there isn't a human body or a wrong 'vibe' that I couldn't fall deeply in love with, that I couldn't find radiantly beautiful once I knew their inside. I can zoom past any "box" and get to the real person, and your real person sounds gorgeous. I can not find classically "handsome" men attractive and the idea of being attracted to someone on looks or their confidence seems abnormal to me. You are probably lovely looking, we all are, but with a slightly unusual vibe?
I'm NT and pretty lovely I'm told, I've always had loads of interest from blokes but all this classically handsome/confident superficial stuff bores me to death. Its what you say that makes you attractive. I want interesting and passionate and smart and kind, and you are that. And I bet you look lovely too.
So just find the right bloody girl and stop the introspection. Yeah keep trying to learn new "skills" (just to make life easier) but you really dont have to change who you fundamentally are.
IT'S NOT YOU. |
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Daemonic-Jackal
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 16, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 581
Location: Salford, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:44 am Post subject: |
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| pastafarian wrote: |
Theres nothing wrong with you. Its a feature not a fault. Its a matter of statistics and finding the right girl. You either need to be much more strategic in where you look, more targeted, or you trust to time (which is on your side very much still).
You need to focus and up your chances by making sure effort is spent in the right places.
Personally I think all this talk of beautiful/normal girls, and practicing in public places is a red herring.You need to know more about HER.
She is 25+ and single. She is emotionally very smart and probably well-educated. She has had a series of very dissappointing NT boyfriends, with none of the drive, passion to get really close to others, or deep universal kindness that is lurking in you. Thats a f***ing sexy combination to a smart girl.
She finds your AS a massive part of her attraction to you, and will have no trouble zooming past the "wrong" thing - which Im guessing is simply some superficial body language/ slightly quirky vibe.
She will see the whole of you as deeply beautiful and your body/body language/"wrong" thing will become seriously sexy. She will wonder how she could have ever fancied a man without that "wrong" thing. The rest of the dating world will seem very superficial and dull.
I'd want to chat to you in a bar, honestly (but I have my own quirky man) and you do seem to have gone into this forensically so you know a lot about yourself.
Try university courses, libraries, adult education courses, summer schools learning about almost any subject, buddhist retreats, yoga retreats, massage courses. Volunteering. Online dating (with a theme like the environment or a walking club, or "Guardian" readers online dating. Just be strategic.
Its not about you its about finding her.. so please don't give up.
Just in case you think its appearance, post a photo (no you dont have to). I swear to my personal god there isn't a human body or a wrong 'vibe' that I couldn't fall deeply in love with, that I couldn't find radiantly beautiful once I knew their inside. I can zoom past any "box" and get to the real person, and your real person sounds gorgeous. I can not find "handome" men attractive and the idea of being attracted to someone on looks or their confidence seems abnormal to me.
So find the right girl, yeah keep trying to learn new "skills" (just to make life easier) but you really dont have to change who you fundamentally are.
IT'S NOT YOU. |
Much better and far more constructive advice then has been previously posted here.
_________________
"Every cripple has his own way of walking. " — Brendan Behan
http://www.facebook.com/YentonianCarlos |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14837
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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| noname_ever wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
The fact that so many think it is enough to make people insecure. I know women do it too, and I don't approve of settling. |
Look at it this way. It means you are better than nothing, which is more than some have going for them. |
I'd rather be single and unwanted than "better than nothing", but that's just me. I don't see better than nothing as a compliment, in my book, no relationship but the best is better than nothing.
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www.aspergersgirl.com |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Daemonic-Jackal wrote: | Do some of the women giving 'advice' in this thread really need to be so condescending towards the OP?
Clearly there is room for improvement regarding his attitude but talking down to someone will only make them dig their heels in and stick to their guns even more.
Also remember this.
Confidence cannot be turned on & off like a tap (therefore making sound so simple is illogical) and being lied to isn't very nice. How would you feel if everytime you asked someone out they said they were already spoken for and you knew half of them wasn't being truthful? Oh wait, the same women patronising the OP here, would be the first to complain about it. But there lies the problem, because it's not traditional for women to make the first move, many of them don't know what it's like to be rejected when asking someone out.
By all means give advice, but don't keep putting the boot in and making guys who want to let off a bit of steam feel worse then they already do. |
he has actually been condescending towards the women giving advice. maybe reread the thread?
EDITED to add: and maybe reread his past threads too. we gave him lots and lots and lots and lots of advice. he rejected that advice. he came back to ask for more when things didn't work out. he rejected that advice again. i think you're failing to see the bigger picture.
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Homer_Bob
Bazinga!
Joined: Jan 06, 2009
Age: 24
Posts: 1286
Location: New England
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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That's the way my college experience has been. Every girl I've had interest in has a boyfriend. The odds of finding a single college girl is like 1 out of every 20. I however always would befriend them first and the more I talked to them, eventually they'd always mention their boyfriend at some point so then I'd know that particular girl was off the table. If a girl has a boyfriend, whether you ask her out or not, at some point she'll mention him. Girl always enjoy talking about them.
_________________
I have to feel sorry for myself. I’m the only one who cares. Just like I’m the only one who’ll have sex with me.
Excuse me. I’m going to go wander the streets alone. Invisible, unwanted and unloved, a pathetic shadow in a city with no heart. -Raj |
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fraac
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: Mar 24, 2011
Posts: 1865
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Having a boyfriend isn't a sign she's not interested, it's just a detail. |
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CrazyStarlightRedux
Fake Kiwi
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1028
Location: Manchester, UK.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
I'd rather be single and unwanted than "better than nothing", but that's just me. I don't see better than nothing as a compliment, in my book, no relationship but the best is better than nothing. |
Isn't that seeking perfection where there is none?
Not that it's a bad thing to look for, but perfection doesn't exist in terms of a relationship. |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14837
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:51 pm Post subject: |
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| CrazyStarlightRedux wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I'd rather be single and unwanted than "better than nothing", but that's just me. I don't see better than nothing as a compliment, in my book, no relationship but the best is better than nothing. |
Isn't that seeking perfection where there is none?
Not that it's a bad thing to look for, but perfection doesn't exist in terms of a relationship. |
The best relationship doesn't mean a perfect relationship. It's a relationship where you're not open to an "upgrade" because you simply don't want one.
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CrazyStarlightRedux
Fake Kiwi
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1028
Location: Manchester, UK.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
The best relationship doesn't mean a perfect relationship. It's a relationship where you're not open to an "upgrade" because you simply don't want one. |
You mean a compromise?
I think those are healthy in a relationship, since you learn to slowly change little niggles about you, which also happen to your partner as well.
I don't think your core personality will change but some of the worse traits of yours can be hidden better when in a relationship. |
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