linguistgirl
Emu Egg
Joined: Feb 29, 2012
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:47 pm Post subject: I don't understand why this conversation went wrong. |
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Some background: I am a neurotypical female in a relationship with a male Aspie. We've been together since October of 2010, and have lived together since May 2011. We have a six month old daughter, and recently we have been talking about our relationship and where we are at.
Two nights ago, I told him that I wanted to get engaged, but I don't want to push him into something he is not comfortable with. Then he smiled at me and said "Will you ask me?"
I looked him in the eyes and said, "Will you marry me?"
He smiled for about half a minute and then said, "I have to think about it."
I'm really confused. I felt like his asking me to ask him was a go-ahead for a proposal, which is why I don't understand why I got the answer I did. If he didn't know whether he was going to say yes or no, I feel like he shouldn't have given me the go-ahead.
Did I read too much into what he said? Am I overreacting by being hurt?
Thank you. |
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Daemonic-Jackal
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 16, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 581
Location: Salford, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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You're probably reading too much into it, but have got every right to feel hurt. Sounds to me like very tactless humour on his behalf and he thought he was being funny and you'd see the humour in that.
Although proposing isn't a joking matter so you're entitled to be annoyed with him.
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:11 pm Post subject: Re: I don't understand why this conversation went wrong. |
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| It sounds to me as if you made him feel too inclined or pressured to say yes or perhaps he was hoping that you would make him propose in some special way instead of you simply asking him to propose. There is also the possibility that he said that because he is really planning something special, usually the girl is only meant to hint at a proposal, not ask directly so that could be another reason why he responded how he did. |
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ghostar
Velociraptor
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Age: 33
Posts: 402
Location: Most likely work. Sigh.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:37 pm Post subject: Re: I don't understand why this conversation went wrong. |
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| Wolfheart wrote: | | It sounds to me as if you made him feel too inclined or pressured to say yes or perhaps he was hoping that you would make him propose in some special way instead of you simply asking him to propose. There is also the possibility that he said that because he is really planning something special, usually the girl is only meant to hint at a proposal, not ask directly so that could be another reason why he responded how he did. |
I am an Aspie female and I tend to agree with Wolfheart here...your guy might think he was being clever by putting you off so he can attempt to surprise you later with a unique proposal. |
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MisterSpock
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 18, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 245
Location: Manchester-ish, England
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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I'm thinking like ghostar...
If I were in that situation, I would then propose at some later time (but not too much later, and if I wanted marriage). So yes, I think he was being idiosyncratic, and you overreacted.
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ghostar
Velociraptor
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Age: 33
Posts: 402
Location: Most likely work. Sigh.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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We Aspies are notoriously tactless.
For example, my NT boyfriend of five months chose to tell me that he loved me last Friday night and my reaction was to blankly stare at him for at least 60-90 seconds before running straight to the restroom to vomit.
He thought I had maybe had too many gin and tonics at dinner but in reality I hadn't had nearly enough to hear those words unexpectedly. 
Maybe you really lucked out by getting the response you did...you could have ended up with a lap full of previously digested dinner. My poor dude almost did!  |
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arko5
Raven
Joined: Jul 19, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 107
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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A random thought, when he asked 'will you ask me' he may have been asking 'will you be the one to ask me, or do you want me to ask', thus rather than expecting an immediate question he was just looking to see what was expected. This may be a completely wrong interpretation, but for whatever reason it was the interpretation I came to when I saw 'will you ask me', I don't think it's the interpretation most would come to but it could be something like literal-mindedness playing a role.
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tronist
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:39 pm Post subject: |
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yea, basically we can be weird like that. you would HOPE that when someone suggests you ask them to if they want to marry you, that they would say "OF COURSE!". this is a lot of pressure on him, id imagine. maybe hes thinking something along the lines of 'i love her, but does she deserve better than me? can i really make her happy like she deserves?' etc.
dont be mad at him! give him space and he'll likely come around and maybe say yes. if he says no, maybe inquire as to why he doesnt want to. then, you might need to break up depending on his reasonings (unless you are the type of person who would stay with someone who didnt want to eventually get married). |
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CrazyStarlightRedux
Fake Kiwi
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1028
Location: Manchester, UK.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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No-one noticed that he may have meant something else by "Will you ask me"?
He probably meant about being ready to propose to the OP....when he is good and ready.
OP, I suggest you ask him what he meant by it. |
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linguistgirl
Emu Egg
Joined: Feb 29, 2012
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all for the insight! I talked to him about it, and it turns out that I misunderstood what he meant by "Will you ask me?"
Apparently he was just asking if I wanted to ask him or if I wanted him to ask me (at a later point in time). He said that his rule is one year co-habitation before any big commitments like engagement, etc. So, we've decided that when he is ready, he will be asking me. 
Thank you all again! |
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Chronos
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5231
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:24 am Post subject: |
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| linguistgirl wrote: | Thank you all for the insight! I talked to him about it, and it turns out that I misunderstood what he meant by "Will you ask me?"
Apparently he was just asking if I wanted to ask him or if I wanted him to ask me (at a later point in time). He said that his rule is one year co-habitation before any big commitments like engagement, etc. So, we've decided that when he is ready, he will be asking me.
Thank you all again! |
Having a child with someone isn't a big commitment? As someone with AS, I would feel inclined to point that out to him. However I do acknowledge that is likely not the proper thing to do as it might make him feel pressured and I do not suggest doing it.
Concerning the marriage issue alone, I think he's wise to wait because hasty marriages can be difficult for NTs to navigate, let alone people with AS.
Perhaps this should be approached analytically. Ask him if he's open to discussing challenges he feels he (and you) might face in a marriage and find ways to mitigate them ahead of time.
What would you expect of him? What would he expect of you? How much alone time would he need? How much can you accommodate? It can be very helpful to lay out all that you expect of a person with AS up front and ask them what their needs are.
For example, many wives come here (and wives in general I imagine) and complain that their husbands don't do enough to help them. The husbands are usually perplexed by this because they generally do what their wives tell them to do in addition to working. The wives, however, expect these husbands to intuitively know what needs to be done with respect to child rearing, and fulfilling the emotional needs of their wives, and while it would be ideal that the men had the intuition or theory of mind to figure this out, the reality is, some of them just don't.
For these men, it helps for the wife to make a list of all of the things she does around the house that he can help her with. He probably doesn't even realize that half of those tasks are things that need to be done occasionally, such as cleaning the baseboards. In all fairness, you would be surprised how many women don't realize that oil levels need to be checked on occasion.
You can make a similar list pertaining to the needs of children, and it's a good idea for parents to take parenting classes together for their first child, even if they feel they are well versed in child rearing.
Wives also need to be vigilant about the limitations of their husbands. Some women come here and talk about their husbands as if they were houses that were fixer uppers, or car models they are not happy with, and I feel that's wrong. You don't buy a long bed truck and then expect it to get good fuel economy, and you don't buy an economy car and expect it to drive like a sports car. So he is not the introspective conversationalist they dream of. But obviously that's not what they married him for and they don't respect that. |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:52 am Post subject: |
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| linguistgirl wrote: | Thank you all for the insight! I talked to him about it, and it turns out that I misunderstood what he meant by "Will you ask me?"
Apparently he was just asking if I wanted to ask him or if I wanted him to ask me (at a later point in time). He said that his rule is one year co-habitation before any big commitments like engagement, etc. So, we've decided that when he is ready, he will be asking me.
Thank you all again! |
No problem, looks like I was on the right tracks. Good to see that the situation was only a misunderstanding and has relieved you from your hurt and insecurities. |
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ghostar
Velociraptor
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Age: 33
Posts: 402
Location: Most likely work. Sigh.
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:16 am Post subject: |
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That is great! I am glad you two talked it out.  |
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