tronist
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 308
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 Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Grisha wrote: | | tronist wrote: | dont give up hope grisha!
what are the things that are holding you back? how about, instead, you figure these things out, then work on them!  |
The things that seem to be holding be back seem to be the way I am perceived by others vs my actual inner state, and my utter inability to sense how my actions make others feel.
Recently, I've met everyone that I've dated online - and there seems to be a vast difference between my online persona and my "real life" persona. This is not deliberate, and there is no actual difference - I am the same person in both places, but for some reason none of my online relationships survive the transition.
This happens the exact same way time and time again, I can't explain it away by saying it was just the people I met.
I have absolutely no idea how to fix it, and quite honestly, I really don't believe it's possible at this point - it's just too fundamental to who I am.
Being single is not the horrible fate that everyone seems to think it is, it's just quite an adjustment to make when you understand that it's going to be a permanent reality for you when you've spent your whole life imagining otherwise... |
i think you can work on this!
have you tried using a mirror to figure out how to move your face so you are less awkward / non-expressive? i try to work on that some every day. i think it kinda helps a little bit. people used to think i was always in a bad mood i think, when really i was apathetic, or in a normal mood. they tended to fear me, i guess, because they thought i was thinking negatively maybe? anyways, i worked on it, and now i think im getting to be better at this. as many of you well know, developing our 'NT Mask' is paramount of importance if you seek normalcy. some people are ok with being socially awkward, and more power to them! not me, however.. i really want to fit in, and be as normal as possible. i think i'll be better off if i work on my social awkwardness so when im in these situations everything feels more at ease. i think working on this betters my chances of finding a girl that i like, who likes me too, so im all for that as well
also, how is your voice? are you monotone or can you accentuate your speech with fluxes in pitch, etc. to stay engaging? i have observed that its almost like the WAY you say things is more important than the MESSAGE. if you have a mediocre message, and excellent delivery, it seems to work better than if you have a superb message, but monotone delivery.
and have you thought about what parts of your online self you seem to be projecting, but it doesnt quite line up with who you are offline? if you can figure out what it is that people think you are (when in real life you arent), you can maybe alter your online self a bit, or your offline self a bit and stay more parallel with your 'other self'. this might work well too. |
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CrazyCatLord
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 25, 2011
Posts: 2177
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| Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:36 pm Post subject: Re: Throwing in the towel. |
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| Grisha wrote: | | Anyone else ever get to this point? |
Yes. I'm not functional enough to maintain a normal level of social contact with other people, much less living in a relationship. Online relationships worked for me for a while, both as friendships and romantic relationships, but I can't maintain those either.
A former friend told me that I'm probably more compatible with cats than with human beings, and it turned out that she was right. I've decided to spend the rest of my life as the male equivalent of a crazy old cat lady (hence my forum name  ). I wish I could afford a larger place and 20 or 30 cats. |
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Grisha
Aspiring Crazy Cat Guy
Joined: Oct 16, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 8333
Location: LA-ish
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| Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2012 8:27 am Post subject: Re: Throwing in the towel. |
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| CrazyCatLord wrote: | | Grisha wrote: | | Anyone else ever get to this point? |
Yes. I'm not functional enough to maintain a normal level of social contact with other people, much less living in a relationship. Online relationships worked for me for a while, both as friendships and romantic relationships, but I can't maintain those either.
A former friend told me that I'm probably more compatible with cats than with human beings, and it turned out that she was right. I've decided to spend the rest of my life as the male equivalent of a crazy old cat lady (hence my forum name ). I wish I could afford a larger place and 20 or 30 cats. |
I have one cat and we get along great, I really think it's the only relationship I'll have that's semi-functional - I think you may be on to something there...
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"There's nothing sadder than an aging hipster." -- Lenny Bruce |
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AspieOtaku
Leader of the Otaku Legion
Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 5893
Location: Mountain View, California, United States
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Ive thrown in the towel 6 years ago. I have realized nobody wants to get serious with a freak like me. At least that is what I think as well. As cold as it may seem, sometimes I think a relationship is a distraction from my studies and work. I might change my mind you might as well but i think i know how ya feel. |
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Surfman
beyond human
Joined: Aug 02, 2010
Age: 50
Posts: 3938
Location: Homeward bound
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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There is someone for everyone.
Maybe you are not ready yet
My experience's with dating seem to indicate that forces outside of my control dictate my success. Chasing the feather and throwing in the towel and the master appearing when the student is ready
Your first post states:
'I am simply too oblivious regarding my own feelings, and especially the way I make others feel, either good or bad. '
I'm sure there are many women in LA, suitable and wanting you to be their boyfriend. |
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Kyra71
Raven
Joined: Feb 23, 2012
Posts: 117
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Yep. My 14-year marriage just ended, and now I am relieved and thrilled to be happily single for the rest of my life. I tried my best to do the relationship thing, and be 'normal'... Definitely not for me! |
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simon_says
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 21, 2011
Posts: 2443
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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My default position started with the towel thrown in. I didnt even realize it was my towel. At some point I picked it up.
But for a time I think I was at peace with not having a towel. Close enough anyway. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:04 pm Post subject: |
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| simon_says wrote: | My default position started with the towel thrown in. I didnt even realize it was my towel. At some point I picked it up.
But for a time I think I was at peace with not having a towel. Close enough anyway. |
i actually visualised this entire sequence. awesome imagery!
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MissConstrue
~Meow Clawdius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 19686
Location: Missouri
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:27 pm Post subject: Re: Throwing in the towel. |
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| Grisha wrote: | I think I've finally gathered enough evidence to convince me that I simply cannot function in a romantic relationship and I've given up trying - I am simply too oblivious regarding my own feelings, and especially the way I make others feel, either good or bad.
Anyone else ever get to this point? |
To a great extent yes but small part of me...wishes. I don't think I'm good at relationships or the kind that is both ideal for me and the other person. I am to "unempathetic" and selfish with my self I guess though there are times where I wish people would understand some of the character defects I have. But I may have hurted a couple of people without realizing and for that, I don't want to do it again. I need my space but at the same time....I wish I could share some of that space with someone if it makes sense to anyone who has the same or similar problem.
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Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
-Thomas Paine
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jagatai
Idiot
Joined: Feb 22, 2010
Age: 48
Posts: 1312
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:54 am Post subject: |
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I pretty much gave up trying a few years ago when I realized every time a woman seemed interested in me, I backed away very quickly. It became rather clear that all my troubles with relationships were the result of my own anxieties and not any lack of interest on the part of women.
The advantages are that I get far less worked up about women nowadays. The disadvantage is I feel even more that my future is one of dwindling friendships and increasing isolation.
I think it can be helpful to let yourself off the hook when it comes to intimate relationships, but it's very important to continue the work of developing and maintaining friendships.
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Ring the bell that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering /
There is a crack, a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in.
(Anthem - Leonard Cohen) |
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Grisha
Aspiring Crazy Cat Guy
Joined: Oct 16, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 8333
Location: LA-ish
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:10 am Post subject: |
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| jagatai wrote: | I pretty much gave up trying a few years ago when I realized every time a woman seemed interested in me, I backed away very quickly. It became rather clear that all my troubles with relationships were the result of my own anxieties and not any lack of interest on the part of women.
The advantages are that I get far less worked up about women nowadays. The disadvantage is I feel even more that my future is one of dwindling friendships and increasing isolation.
I think it can be helpful to let yourself off the hook when it comes to intimate relationships, but it's very important to continue the work of developing and maintaining friendships. |
Thanks for this, it's really perceptive.
I always thought of a romantic relationship as my ticket out of my self-absorbed, anxious, fearful, confused existence - guess I was wrong about that (duh, but better late than never...)
Trouble is, I really have no talent/skill for establishing and maintaining anything resembling a friendship IRL, I kind of use the Internet as a crutch to get around this, but it should really be a step towards getting my social sh*t togther IRL.
Still, it feels like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders - I just don't know what is supposed to come next...
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"There's nothing sadder than an aging hipster." -- Lenny Bruce |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26043
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:30 am Post subject: |
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| Grisha wrote: | | Thanks for the pep-talk! |
I thought you were coming to Britain, Eric? Any further information on that? LMK if owt changes, won't you? |
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Dillogic
you know how it goes
Joined: Nov 25, 2011
Posts: 3326
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:50 am Post subject: Re: Throwing in the towel. |
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| blueroses wrote: | | Aw, that seems like such a waste. |
I've heard people say that too, usually extroverted psychologists. They think you're selfish and wasteful to not give yourself to others; I think they're stupid, and I know they're only seeing things from the perspective of socially normal individuals.
It was the worst advice I've ever seen from a psycho, and that's actually saying a lot.
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Just a simple man trying to survive (who's asocial and doesn't accept PMs). |
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Grisha
Aspiring Crazy Cat Guy
Joined: Oct 16, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 8333
Location: LA-ish
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 11:56 am Post subject: |
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| Tequila wrote: | | Grisha wrote: | | Thanks for the pep-talk! |
I thought you were coming to Britain, Eric? Any further information on that? LMK if owt changes, won't you? |
I'm still planning on it, I *really* need to get away, but I'm moving in April so I keep having to push it back, I absolutely must avoid the Olympics at all costs so May-June looks likely.
I'm thinking about hiring a motorhome and just driving it "wherever" for a week or two...
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"There's nothing sadder than an aging hipster." -- Lenny Bruce |
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smudge
Your worst nightmare
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Joined: Sep 07, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 2125
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:07 am Post subject: |
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| AspieOtaku wrote: | | Ive thrown in the towel 6 years ago. I have realized nobody wants to get serious with a freak like me. At least that is what I think as well. As cold as it may seem, sometimes I think a relationship is a distraction from my studies and work. I might change my mind you might as well but i think i know how ya feel. |
23 years old is rather early to give up. |
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