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here_to_learn
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 29, 2012
Posts: 15
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 Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 10:41 pm Post subject: Is it an Aspie trait to NEED your own apartment? |
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I'm NT...my husband and I recently figured out that he is Aspie...big time. This knowledge has been very helpful to us as a couple and to him as an individual. In this process of figuring out what he needs (to balance out a life time of coping mechanisms that completely drained him), he moved in to his own apartment (there's a much longer story to this obviously, but I'll skip it for now). Apparently, this is something that he needs. In his words...."to lock the door and feel the four walls around me." I am not upset by this or anything...I do not take it personally...esp since he lives less than a mile from me.. I just am trying to understand. And it doesn't seem like he understands it well enough yet to explain it to me. Or perhaps I cannot understand it because it is an Aspie thing and therefore does not comply with my NT logic? I mean, I certainly understand the need for time alone...but this is different. It's not just time alone...it's alone space, I guess. I don't know.
And so my question to the group is...is this a common Aspie need?
Are their other married people who choose to live in separate places because of this need? Can anyone explain the essence of it to me? |
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Aimless
innocent bystander
Joined: Apr 02, 2009
Posts: 8159
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| Posted: Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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I completely understand your husband's need for space. Some say that autistics don't have natural filters to screen out stimuli, so it's likely he needs a place where he can have quiet and no distractions so he can recharge and recuperate from being "out there". I feel more safe and more "me" when I am alone.
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btbnnyr
Rabbit In Cat's Clothing
Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 3122
Location: Lost Angleles Carmen Santiago
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 12:57 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, this is a basic need of many autistic people. I really identify with the way your husband described it. I can understand why he would need his own apartment instead of just his own room in your shared home. Sometimes, even the possibility of interaction or interruption or interference from the outside is stressful, and a person never feels completely comfortable until completely alone. He may feel like he cannot let go to pursue his interests unless he is in his own apartment. This really is nothing personal towards you. I feel these same needs myself, and as long as I can maintain enough of this aloneness to recharge and be totally comfortable, I can also skitter out of my shell to interact with people, quite intensely. |
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eigerpere
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 24, 2012
Posts: 371
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| Explaining things is very tough as a rule, especially interpersonal. It's a great relief to live alone and is a great relief to me too but I'm not sure I can entirely explain why. Only facts which can be perceived and worked out on paper. Sometimes takes many years for the simplest things to be drawn out or understood even though I know something perfectly well in the abstract sense. Little problems suddenly find answers ten years later like it was just yesterday when the subject arose. Hopefully that doesn't sound crazy and just how these things have been for me to deal with. Facts are much easier to work with. I think I'm tired. |
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eigerpere
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 24, 2012
Posts: 371
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:26 am Post subject: |
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| I live in a house, thank god. Neighbors are hard to deal with too. |
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tim1982
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 21, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 1:36 am Post subject: |
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| YEah I totally need my own space, though i could never live on my own. I simply couldnt function for long before i broke down. I think its a common thing to want to be alone in your own thoughts and space without all the other sensory stimulation driving you nuts. |
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Kjas
Onçinha
Joined: Feb 27, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 4914
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:10 am Post subject: |
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I think it's very common, I certainly know I am like this.
Although when do need our own time, more importantly we need our own space. We need the ability to control things within our space so that we can recharge etc.
If he went to your shared bedroom every time he needed space (which is usually confused as "time" to most NT's), it wouldn't really be the same thing. Sometimes we just need not to interact with others or even worry about others at all, somewhere that we can recharge our batteries without all the people and stimuli and a lot of the time the only way to do that is by controlling our surroundings completely (this is very difficult in a shared household).
Many NT's experience the need for "alone time" but it is different from having your own space.
I guess I would liken it to you moving into a mans' house. You don't own anything in the house, the bedroom is HIS old bedroom and therefore not "yours" even though you share it (basically you can only control a couple of things in that room, max). The rest of the house he would own and therefore things would be done "his way" and you would have absolutely no control. Basically, you have no "place" and you wouldn't have any "space" of your own. Most NT's can deal with it, but even for some of them, not having their own room to retreat to can be stressful to them.
When you need things a certain way, or in a certain routine just to function and the control that goes with that, not having that can be extremely uncomfortable to the point of causing frequent overloads, particularly if he works as has to deal with sensory stimulation for most of the day also. This is living in someone else's "space" and it is extremely stressful to an aspie.
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Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html |
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Vomelche
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 18, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 381
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:24 am Post subject: |
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| Probably an aspie trait yes. But then again, everybody likes to have their personal space and property - where they are in control of everything, so who knows. I know I really wanted my personal space to escape the family drama. |
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Chronos
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5231
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 3:24 am Post subject: Re: Is it an Aspie trait to NEED your own apartment? |
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People with AS frequently need a lot of space, however the reasons for this are varied. Some individuals with AS need a lot of alone time because of the toll interacting with others has on them. Others with AS need their own space because other people find them impossible to live with and would constantly be complaining about them otherwise.
There was a news segment on one couple, where the man and woman both had AS and slept in different rooms.
However, you do not have AS, and just because you don't doesn't mean that your needs aren't just as important as his. You have just as much a right to feel content with your marriage as he does.
If you have been together for more than 3 years, I have to wonder why suddenly he needs his own apartment just because he has learned he has AS....he did have en evaluation correct? |
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eigerpere
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 24, 2012
Posts: 371
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 5:56 am Post subject: |
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| I'm not really doing that well by myself and think my health is deteriorating because of it. I like the freedom but I have trouble with a lot of things and don't think it's really the most ideal for me. |
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Aaam
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Sep 30, 2011
Posts: 33
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 6:34 am Post subject: |
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From what I understand do Tim burton and his wife HBC (and kids) live in two house next to each other, he has his and she has her house and there is a connecting passage between the two.
[I'm not allowed to post links at the moment so google for "tim burton and helena bonham carter separate houses" if you want to know more.] |
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here_to_learn
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 29, 2012
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:04 am Post subject: Time, Space, and Batteries |
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Thanks so much for the replies! It is so interesting...I never thought before of the difference between "time alone" and one's own space. These are definitely needs. I guess it's hard to conceptualize a need that one does not have...but we use the next closest thing. So, as I said, i really can related to needing time alone...but I so loved our 'shared home/space'. But he travels so much for work, so I often got time alone at home and he never did. But still, as some of you have pointed out...it would not be the same for him to have alone time in our shared space as it would be for him to have his own space.
And about the battery metaphor...it seems to go along with the metaphor of ASD being 'wired' differently. Anyway, your comments are useful. Engaging in social life can be draining for anyone...but it is just much more so for Aspies and other ASD peeps. I get that. |
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here_to_learn
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 29, 2012
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:16 am Post subject: Re: Is it an Aspie trait to NEED your own apartment? |
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| Chronos wrote: | However, you do not have AS, and just because you don't doesn't mean that your needs aren't just as important as his. You have just as much a right to feel content with your marriage as he does.
If you have been together for more than 3 years, I have to wonder why suddenly he needs his own apartment just because he has learned he has AS....he did have en evaluation correct? |
The learning about AS came after a total breakdown...he just fell apart. This was after our fifth year of being married. I think he was completely depleted (very stressful work life). He did not know he was Aspie...but had developed coping strategies that made him perfect. Really...he was perfect in our marriage. A little quirky yes, but otherwise perhaps too perfect. Finally, he crashed and had to start facing himself. At first he was afraid he was a sociopath. Luckily, he found Wrong Planet and figured it out. Every little 'quirk' he has is a stereotypical Aspie trait. Anyway, he realized he needed his own space during the breakdown time. We were already planning to move...so we did, just to different apartments. It has been really, really, hard...but finally now, he is coming back towards me. Living alone allows him to recharge his batteries so that he can still be a good partner with me...that's the idea anyway. It's still all kind of new. But as I've said on other parts of the forum...so many things I love about him are probably related to his Aspieness (ie honesty, integrity, logical, calmness, loyalty, dependable)...I'm not about to give up on such a wonderful man. Not that NT's don't have those qualities...but I trust my husband more than I trust anyone in the world. |
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here_to_learn
Butterfly
Joined: Jan 29, 2012
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:20 am Post subject: |
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| eigerpere wrote: | | Sometimes takes many years for the simplest things to be drawn out or understood even though I know something perfectly well in the abstract sense. |
Honestly, I think the problem is that language is so limited in its ability to convey what it represents...our thoughts, feelings, emotions. These things inside us exist outside of language, but somehow we have to try to find words that can only approximate what it is that we feel. Perhaps that's why art and music can be so much more powerful and effective (for those who can express themselves through such medium) at relating abstract feelings. |
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BuyerBeware
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Age: 35
Posts: 1038
Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:40 am Post subject: |
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To some degree or another, YES.
Personally, I think it has to do with the fact that the only time we can ever feel safe completely relaxing is when we're completely alone.
Me, I don't have an apartment or even a room (and I have a husband and three kids and another one on the way and my in-laws planning on moving in to the apartment that adjoins our house within the next few years). I'd like one. I have often joked about buying us a duplex-- one side for him, one side for me, the kids get free run-- or building a tree house for myself.
I have other things. I get up early or stay up late-- sometimes all night if I need the quiet time enough to be worth what the next day is like. Once in a while, I go out for all or part of a day by myself and sit in the woods somewhere. I don't do anything-- I just sit there. Years ago, when I was getting used to living with my husband, I had a maple tree I visited every few days. Sometimes I sat there for HOURS.
It probably won't always be that extreme. Especially if he has sense enough to stop trying to be perfect-- perfect is too much strain for anybody. But I'm glad you have sense enough not to take him needing a place that is HIS OWN personally-- my husband and I would have avoided a lot of problems in the first five years if he'd been able to do that or if I'd been able to explain a little (OK, a lot) better-- or just not feel guilty about the fact that I needed the space to keep my brain working right.
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I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight?? |
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