Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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 Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:31 am Post subject: |
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^ Whatever.
For me, getting a girlfriend is not just something to "check the box" on a massive checklist of life. I take it seriously, and it deserves more thought than just going through some platonic ritual. |
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 9293
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:38 am Post subject: |
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| ^^ that's nice, and that's exactly why you should refrain from spending hours on writing analysis journals about it. |
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Pengu1n
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 03, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 134
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 4:40 am Post subject: |
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| So, I wrote a few paragraphs on line, big deal. It sounds like you have better things to do anyway than read these forums. |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 5:46 am Post subject: |
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| Pengu1n wrote: | Wow....
I have had a couple of days to reflect on this, but I can not believe where this thread has gone. In the first place, I refrained from saying this yesterday out of respect, but I feel absolutely insulted by the repeated assertions that I have ignored all of the advice. That is absolutely ludicrous. I feel absolutely patronized as well by suggestions that I "don't know how affection works," and other things like that. I know full well how affection works, and I am absolutely capable of being in a loving relationship. I truly feel in my heart that the biggest barrier to me finding love is just getting past that first step where I cut such a poor 1st impression because of my low projected self-confidence......... I truly KNOW deep down that all of my good qualities will not come out until after the first NT-stages, but once she gets to know me, she will see how great I am. |
Exactly, that's what I said in the first place, I said you struggle and have trouble creating a good first impression and that people won't appreciate you without getting to know you first, your qualities are more inward instead of outward. No one is trying to patronize you or make you feel uncomfortable or unwelcome, they are simply trying to grasp the situation. No one has mentioned that you aren't capable or ready for a relationship, we are trying to give you advice to take progressive safe steps instead of burning out.
The main problem is that you seem to think a relationship is going to free you from your problems and responsibilities and that type of attitude is going to leave you in a bad position. I understand you require social acceptability but there are healthy and safe ways of achieving it, we are only trying to point you in the right direction so you don't end up in an unhealthy relationship or burn out.
| pengu1n wrote: | I just struggle so badly with the "social-proof" aspects in the initial stages, but I know in my heart that the best part of me is found in deeper qualities (not in the shallow blustering of "confident" people.) I know full well I have it in me to have a long-term relationship, and the fact that I may not have "highly crafted social skills" for the ritual has absolutely NOTHING to do with this. I hope people can see what I mean by this.
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Yes, we already agreed that you had trouble creating a good first impression and showing qualities that could be hidden from potential partners or romantic interests. Our advice was aimed at you creating a good first impression and that will help you in dating, employment and other aspects. We are revisiting something you have already mentioned to us and we can only give you the advice that works. I recommend therapy and perhaps finding a communications and body language specialist if you can't learn through observing or socializing on a day to day basis.
| pengu1n wrote: | | I have absolutely taken on everybody's advice in older threads. I also really did consider the advice on this thread to "practice talking to lots of people." However, to me, that is very NTish advice. I've also had parents and teachers all of my life have me practice social skills, but that was to no avail, as my delivery behind the words was so monotone and aspergerish. They would say, "a conversation is just like a game of catch........ you catch the ball, and throw it back." |
How do you think everyone else does it? Through trial and error, through approaching and being rejected on cases, even people that are successful have to face rejection. You aren't going to find social acceptability by isolating yourself or not approaching anyone. A good relationship isn't just going to fall into your lap, just like an attractive job offer or lifestyle, it requires work, time, effort, devotion and commitment.
Nobody is saying you have to rush out and approach ten supermodels, we are simply giving you progressive steps on how to improve your situation. I understand you have issues processing social situations as many of us do and you struggle with interactions, acceptability and rejection, that's why I recommended therapy to help you rationalize your thoughts and issues.
| Pengu1n wrote: | | Yet...... I hate to say it, but I feel that I was being patronized here, and that some people were upset that I did not just bob my head 'yes', and run out and start doing it like an automaton. I would not even get anything out of it if I just went and started talking to lots of people without thinking on the process behind it. But when I even dared try and respond on it, instead of just doing it, it was insisted that I was just being difficult and not "following advice." I hate to say this, but I've read some other threads, and I also feel like hyperlexian is a bit condescending, patronizing, and a feminist know-it-all.......... again, I especially take offense at the statements that I was ignoring advice, when the exact opposite is true. I am also willing and able to step out of my comfort zone. I feel like I'm just being talked down to with the same crap advice I've heard for years and years. |
Being critical and negative towards other people on this forum isn't going to solve anything, it's only going to create more misunderstanding, it won't stop people from giving you advice but it isn't doing anyone any favors.
You seem to have a rigid view of AS and that people on here had social skills and understanding handed to them overnight. You need to realize people here understand what you are going through, you don't think that other people have struggled or had to go through a lot of rejection and a learning process to learn certain skills that made it easier to cope with AS and social acceptability? |
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Zinnel
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 404
Location: Missouri, USA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 12:04 pm Post subject: |
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YAY!! its turned into a slam thread 
Lets see.....I hate you Wolfheart, because your username is so much cooler than mine 
Anyway what in the world is going on here Daemonic-Jackal is trying to bash hyperlexian and everyone elses advice, hyperlexian even after shes made here point, she is still is argueing with him for some reason, The_Face_of_Boo is well.....being The_Face_of_Boo(I guess  idk), and Pengu1n is going completely on the defensive and slamming other peoples advice. Listen Pengu1n if you want peoples advice, pokeing holes in the advice thats given to you is not going to help you at all. So what if you've allready tired it, say that and move on with the next advice.
The only reason people keep suggesting building up your social skills is because thats usualy what keeps a guy from finding a girl, because with bad social skills you get small social circles and that means less likely a chance you'll meet and nice girl who you can feel comfortable with.
Large social circles = better chances of finding a girl
The other ways to build a larger social circle are 1. popular hobbies 2. money 3. power(as in mobster like fear) and 4. possessions(cars, houses, jewelry, etc.)
so working on your social skills doesn't work for you try the above ^^^
As for everyone else  if you want to fight amongst each other then do it through a privite message
and Pengu1n calling someone "condescending, patronizing, and a feminist know-it-all" is just plain rude especially in the way you ment it. Don't expect to get advice from people let alone respect if thats how you react to other people who are trying to help you.
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keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out |
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spongy
...
Joined: Jul 18, 2010
Age: 22
Posts: 7400
Location: Patiently waiting for the seventh wave
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| Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2012 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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Personal attacks arent welcome so this thread is going to be locked at least for a few days just so you can all calm down and stop attacking each other.
Also you are lucky that Im trying to avoid approaching people on PM manners for personal motives otherwise a few of you would be getting warnings about your behaviour |
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