Thom_Fuleri
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Posts: 802
Location: Leicestershire, UK
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 Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 6:33 pm Post subject: Re: Self-esteem and same sex attraction |
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| puddingmouse wrote: | Does anyone have this problem of not feeling 'worthy' of the same sex?
If a woman was ever attracted to me, I'd think she'd need her brain/eyesight checking. I wouldn't trust her to be of sound mind and judgement. Yet, I have less of an issue with accepting that sometimes men like me.
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I wish I knew where this comes from. It's not 'I'm fat and ugly' because I'm not that fat and I'm not ugly. I say it's 'cause 'I'm fat and ugly' as a rationalisation. It might be internalised homophobia, but then I wonder where I got that from. I mean, there is homophobia out there for me to internalise, but I've never come across anything as strong as my self-hatred. 
Can anyone else relate to this? |
I think it's simpler than that. You're fine with men finding you attractive because that's "safe" - it won't lead anywhere, so the outcome doesn't matter. It's like betting with pretend money - you can risk the lot on one hand of cards because it's just for fun. But women finding you attractive is important to you. You resist it, because it does have consequences. It matters to you.
"Fat and ugly" is not the cause of a lack of self-esteem. It's an expression of it, and usually comes from a distorted self-image, but it's far from the only form of expression. And yes, I can relate to it. I hated myself for many years before I finally learned how to accept myself, and now I know myself to be the intelligent, handsome sex machine that I really am.  |
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Radiofixr
Punished daily for being me and different
Joined: May 31, 2010
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Location: PA
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| Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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I do not have to think of myself as fat and ugly-when I try to meet people they ignore me and turn away from me so they must see me as fat and ugly so I don't have to beat myself up-everyone out there does it for me it seems.
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puddingmouse
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Age: 26
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Location: Mega City 3
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| Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 10:18 pm Post subject: Re: Self-esteem and same sex attraction |
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| Thom_Fuleri wrote: |
I think it's simpler than that. You're fine with men finding you attractive because that's "safe" - it won't lead anywhere, so the outcome doesn't matter. It's like betting with pretend money - you can risk the lot on one hand of cards because it's just for fun. But women finding you attractive is important to you. You resist it, because it does have consequences. It matters to you.
"Fat and ugly" is not the cause of a lack of self-esteem. It's an expression of it, and usually comes from a distorted self-image, but it's far from the only form of expression. And yes, I can relate to it. I hated myself for many years before I finally learned how to accept myself, and now I know myself to be the intelligent, handsome sex machine that I really am. |
There's a bit of truth to that. I'm not 100% gay and currently live with my bf, but I suppose I take the idea of a relationship with a woman more seriously (I feel horrible to my bf for typing that, but I do prefer women and he knows that). Plus, men fancy women all the time. If I lost my current partner, I could get another male partner, eventually...but women are harder to get in general, even more so when you are a woman yourself. There would be a lot of 'must. not. f**k. this. up', if I had a relationship with a woman. It's easier to reject it outright. 
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CrazyCatLord
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| Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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It's exactly the other way around for me. Or rather, it's exactly the same, only that I'm male  I dated a few men back in the day before my social anxiety got the better of me. With "dated", I mean "found someone in my area in some AOL chat room, gave him my address, had fast and uncomplicated sex, and never saw him again afterwards". Men are straightforward, easy to understand and easy to satisfy.
But I've always been a lot more self-conscious and inhibited around women. Feeling unworthy describes it perfectly. In my case, this can't have anything to do with homophobia, and I don't think that's the case for you either. It's probably just self-sabotage out of fear of being rejected or not being able to live up to someone else's expectations. |
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CoMF
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 08, 2012
Posts: 328
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| Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not entirely sure if this is similar to what you're feeling, but many times I've experienced anxiety upon meeting guys who I was absolutely smitten by. Often, I feel I'm "too weird" or "not pretty enough" for them.
With women, I don't feel this nearly as much. |
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puddingmouse
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| Posted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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| CrazyCatLord wrote: | It's exactly the other way around for me. Or rather, it's exactly the same, only that I'm male I dated a few men back in the day before my social anxiety got the better of me. With "dated", I mean "found someone in my area in some AOL chat room, gave him my address, had fast and uncomplicated sex, and never saw him again afterwards". Men are straightforward, easy to understand and easy to satisfy.
But I've always been a lot more self-conscious and inhibited around women. Feeling unworthy describes it perfectly. In my case, this can't have anything to do with homophobia, and I don't think that's the case for you either. It's probably just self-sabotage out of fear of being rejected or not being able to live up to someone else's expectations. |
I did have a lot of internalised homophobia, but it's probably a separate issue. I think as I get over that, and accept that it's perfectly okay with me to love women, I realised that I still have a hard time accepting the idea of women loving me.
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visagrunt
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Age: 45
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Location: Vancouver, BC
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:33 pm Post subject: |
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There is an obvious pitfall to same-sex attraction: we can compare ourselves directly to the objects of our attraction.
"He's so hot," can quickly lead to, "I wish I was that hot," to, "I wish my [insert feature here] looked like that," to, "He's out of my league."
It seems to me (but I leave it to someone with some direct experience to confirm or refute my supposition) that admiring a person of the opposite sex presents fewer opportunities for those inner statements. Certainly a member of the opposite sex can generate the "S/he's so hot," and the, "s/he's out of my league," sentiments, but it is less likely to involve a direct comparison with one's own body.
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AstroGeek
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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| visagrunt wrote: | There is an obvious pitfall to same-sex attraction: we can compare ourselves directly to the objects of our attraction.
"He's so hot," can quickly lead to, "I wish I was that hot," to, "I wish my [insert feature here] looked like that," to, "He's out of my league." |
That is exactly what I experience. It was part of the reason why I didn't realize that I was gay until about a year ago: I thought that I just liked looking at shirtless guys because I envied their physique. For me though, the envy goes a bit farther than just looks. I'll also find myself envying guys who have a more fun, less stressed, less neurotic personality. |
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