johnnydangerous
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jul 12, 2010
Posts: 157
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 Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:46 am Post subject: Why do NT's act like they like you, but if you ask them.... |
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but if you ask them to hang out, suddenly they will act "weird" or somehow get out of the situation. I've had so many people who I thought enjoyed my company (at work etc). People who I thought "liked me for who I was" and "liked the fact I was a bit different". Some of these people would even comment how they loved my dry, unique sense of humor.
Yet if I ever asked any of these people to hang out, you'd think I just asked for their first born the way they look at me.
It's almost as if these people like me but are afraid to be seen with me "because they want to be cool". Why do grown adults act this way? Isn't this type of behavior supposed to be confined to High School?
It's so sad to me, as an adult in my 30's, to see "grown ups" act like this. When I was younger I looked forward to getting older, and thought for sure people would be so much more mature. Boy, was I wrong! It's like High School never ended.
I don't even ask anyone to hang out anymore, even if I think they like me. I was naive in my thinking. I realize now all these people are phonies, and they pretend to like you. But at the end of the day their precious "image" is all they care about. What a phony, miserable life NT's must have. It must really suck to have to live in such a phony manner 24/7. I may be alone, but at least I don't have to live that way. It's pathetic. |
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Ddddd
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 380
Location: Belgium
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:53 am Post subject: |
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Wow yes, it annoys me too. I also stopped asking most of the people to hang out with me. Some people like me, but as if I'm a little child that's 10 years younger than they are, and they think I'm "cute" etc.
I think they think I'm exhausting, not fun to do anything with, too childish.
Most people act this way because they don't want to hurt you in front of you and they will start gossiping as soon as you turn your back. 
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ADD :: yay for neurodiversity
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DJFester
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 06, 2009
Posts: 952
Location: Minneapolis MN USA
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:06 am Post subject: |
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Totally agree with you on this one. They don't want to be seen in public where other NTs might look down on or shame them for hanging around with someone who has a disability (of any kind). It's all about their image with other NTs, just like you said. Even some of the people who live in the same building as I do (which is strictly for disabled adults and their caregivers / spouses), won't hang out with others here if they're not quadriplegic men between 30 - 40 years old, confined to wheelchairs. They shun everyone else from their little clique. So this obviously isn't just among the non-disabled! One would think that people with disabilities would be more likely to have some understanding and compassion for others with disabilities... but it sadly isn't so around here.
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You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. |
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Jtuk
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2012
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:07 am Post subject: Re: Why do NT's act like they like you, but if you ask them. |
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| johnnydangerous wrote: | but if you ask them to hang out, suddenly they will act "weird" or somehow get out of the situation. I've had so many people who I thought enjoyed my company (at work etc). People who I thought "liked me for who I was" and "liked the fact I was a bit different". Some of these people would even comment how they loved my dry, unique sense of humor.
Yet if I ever asked any of these people to hang out, you'd think I just asked for their first born the way they look at me.
It's almost as if these people like me but are afraid to be seen with me "because they want to be cool". Why do grown adults act this way? Isn't this type of behavior supposed to be confined to High School?
It's so sad to me, as an adult in my 30's, to see "grown ups" act like this. When I was younger I looked forward to getting older, and thought for sure people would be so much more mature. Boy, was I wrong! It's like High School never ended.
I don't even ask anyone to hang out anymore, even if I think they like me. I was naive in my thinking. I realize now all these people are phonies, and they pretend to like you. But at the end of the day their precious "image" is all they care about. What a phony, miserable life NT's must have. It must really suck to have to live in such a phony manner 24/7. I may be alone, but at least I don't have to live that way. It's pathetic. |
This is the crux of the aspies social problems, judging how and when to turn an acquaintance into a friend. This isn't a problem with them or you, but you might simply be misreading the situation.
Friendships in the workplace are complicated and can be very artificial. People want to switch off from work and want to be able to rant about their boss etc. knowing its not going any further. Friends do fall out and it's extremely awkward if you have to work with them in the future.
I find it easier to stick to structured work social activities and go with the flow, rather than initiating things, it's usually safer and straightforward. I wouldn't give up, but don't mistake someone being open, friendly and respectful in your workplace for friendship. They are probably like this with everyone.
Jason |
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nat4200
Phoenix
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Joined: Jan 11, 2011
Posts: 704
Location: BANNED
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:14 am Post subject: |
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Redacted
Last edited by nat4200 on Sat Apr 21, 2012 2:05 am; edited 1 time in total |
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VIDEODROME
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 21, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 1695
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:15 am Post subject: |
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I had a similar experience at a previous job. I worked nights in solitude and would chat with my Saturday morning relief just to relieve the boredom. I would sometimes get him to laugh with dry observational humor.
Could never get them to hangout or whatever. Since then I've talked to them rarely just in a formal way asking to use them as a job reference. For some reason it sounded like they would hang out now just to catch up. Maybe they wondered what I've been up to or again maybe it's just professional networking.
I got the feeling the main problem is he made the judgement call that I would not fit in with his social circle of friends. Y'know easy going people who like to gather and party.
However I did manage to hangout with another person from work just a few times. Just to chillout and play Halo. But mainly like me he was a movie buff and huge into music collecting. In fact I learned of a few awesome bands from him I still listen to.
It's weird every 5 years or so I manage to bump into a person I feel I can connect with. Now I'm going to college trying to start another career and feel there is one other student that is a potential friend I could maybe hangout with eventually. He even approached me because of my political button I was wearing because he supports the same candidate I do which seems rare. He's also raving about the new movie Prometheus and is a big fan of HR Giger. So I think he might be as much of a film buff as I am. I could never get that first acquaintance from my old job to see an independent film even if I paid for it but I think this classmate would. Also of course we're both enrolled in the same general course Microsoft Computer Networking Certification.
This might seem like I gradually build up friends but I lose them at the same rate. Mostly due to circumstance. The film and music fan decided to pursue it as a career and moved to California. Another one simply disappeared. His email is no longer valid and his place never answers phone calls. The first one, my best friend from High School, well he apparently committed suicide and I got a phone call saying he turned up in the Obituary. Really sad. |
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Jayo
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 01, 2011
Posts: 505
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:08 am Post subject: |
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I can totally relate to this issue (but it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm the one with an issue  )
In the past, in my 20s when I was doing really well at work in an IT job, my colleagues were impressed with me on a work level, but despite that, I could never seem to get to hang out with them. We talked regularly at work about silly stuff, jokes, observations, etc, and at one point I asked a couple of them - separately - if they wanted to go to a club on the weekend. One of them said he'd think about it, so I left it at that. The reason I asked him is b/c I went to a club a couple of weeks before with a non-work friend (NT), and chatted with him there so I figured that must have left him with the impression that I can have the same social life as anyone else. Guess it didn't translate into the "snowball effect" as planned. The second guy was totally plastic, I took an interest in his kayaking hobby and said I wouldn't mind lessons sometime, then I asked if he wanted to hang out on the weekend. He gave me his phone and email, I called him Saturday afternoon and he said yes, he's still planning to head out with a couple of his friends including one of the guys from work, and he'd call me back in a bit. Never got that call. Sigh...
To rub it in, I even talked about true stories from going out to the club, I talked about how some chick at the club started spilling out all her issues and baggage, with a restraining order against her ex, and she tried to get close to me but she smelled like tobacco so I thought no way, she's like trailer park trash, and probably has a kid, so I ditched that one the first chance I got. It's kind of counter-intuitive for me b/c I tend to be more accepting of outcasts due to my own circumstances (albeit very different circumstances) but it's kind of expected in NT circles to convey your status in a certain way and joke around like this with the guys, even if it's putting down a certain class of society. |
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Catarina
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Posts: 42
Location: Northern Europe
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:11 am Post subject: |
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nat4200 and jtuk have important points
The is a big difference between being friendly at work and being "friends". Being friendly at work means having enough friendly interactions to make the work day pleasant and relations smoother. Sort of like being nice to your mechanic or the shoe salesperson. It makes it more pleasant to make small talk. This does not mean I want to invite the dry cleaner to dinner that we compared our children's Mindcraft obsession.
I am aloof with with workmates, even if I like them to have a coffee break or lunch with. Why? Because in this economy, you have to look out for yourself at work. Until I really know someone well enough to trust their character, I am not going to let them into my personal life (which is sometimes a bit off since I am aspie), where they potentially could find out something to use against me when another round of lay-offs occur.
So, just like anywhere else, friendship takes time to build. Personally, I prefer to make friends outside of work,. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8229
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 11:16 am Post subject: |
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I used to get this at school. A lot of people did like me, but were embarrassed to be seen with me. I remember when I was about 14, quite a popular sort of girl let me sit next to her in Geography, and one of her mates (who was in the classroom next door) came in to get some new textbooks, and she spoke to the girl I was sitting next to for a bit, then said, ''why are you sitting next to Jo?'' in a critical voice. The girl next to me didn't know what to say to that, so she just said, ''the teacher made us sit together.''
There were times like that what made me really wish I was NT like everybody else.
But I don't get this problem much now. Not sure if I'm psychic or something, but I can sort of tell the difference between somebody really liking me and wanting to hang out with me, and somebody just being ''workfriends'' with me. I'm not really that embarrassing to hang out with anyway any more, so I don't have this problem any more anyway, only with some people of my age.
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From: East UK
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muslimmetalhead
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 30, 2011
Posts: 1072
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 11:35 am Post subject: |
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| nat4200 wrote: | It sounds like they are "work friends". If so; it's not that they are "too cool" to hang out with you outside of work, or that they are necessarily "phony", it's just that they are not prepared to be closer friends than you are now (at least presently), and they see a benefit in keeping separation between work and home-life at the friend level.
Maybe also, even if they do think of you as a reasonably good potential friend, they might feel they see enough of you at work, without seeing you outside of work ie. NT limitations on how long is OK to hang out with someone vs. the outstaying-one's-welcome-ish faux pas. |
This.
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"I watched a change in you, It's like you never had wings, now you feel so alive" |
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Moonhawk
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 1596
Location: Hidden :o
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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| From what i understood from my mom, a lot of people have work friends and personal friends, because they don't like taking work ''home'' but i think it depends on the kind of work, apparently people who work together in an office tend to socialize more outside work by getting a drink :o I don't know why but apparently there's some social rule for it, my mom's coworkers never come here. And i'm not employed, i'm on the disability list here *i think thats what it's called* |
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VIDEODROME
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 21, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 1695
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, right now I'm going to college again and not working. In the future though if I hopefully get another decent job I'm going to try not expecting to make friends through the work place. Maybe instead if I have some disposable income I might pick up hobbies that lead to gatherings. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13482
Location: My house
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 9:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I think you can like someone as an acquaintance but not like them as a friend. I am sure those people get accused and mistaken for not liking someone and people think they are just trying to be nice when they go "Oh I like you." |
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infinitenull
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 01, 2012
Posts: 466
Location: Home in the desert
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:13 am Post subject: |
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I don't like to have friends that I socialize with outside of the setting that I initially know them (IE: Work friends at work, non-work friends are all associated with groups which mean shared interests, and internet people stay on the internet)
As a result, I've used excuses quite a few times when others seem to be getting to the point where they socialize outside of the original bonding environment.
The problem is I have 2 alternative outcomes...
I can say "No I dont want to be a closer friend" and then the other person might take it personally and think that I have some sort of negative opinion of them. When in fact I do not, and I may have a desire to stay very close with them in the original connecting environment.
The other is I can suck it up and participate which has almost NEVER worked out well in my entire life. Either I end up disappointed when I start to get to know the person well enough that I know what makes them bad, or I am bored, or I just end up exhausted trying to keep up with all the little NT things that are expected in socialization.
So instead, I find excuses...
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er um... w.. eh... y.. you cant hear me um like.................. stammer on the internet ha ha ha |
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mglosenger
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 20, 2011
Age: 140
Posts: 445
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:17 am Post subject: |
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I recommend avoiding people in general and only posting things on message boards, although you may not be able to rationally explain why you even post on message boards.
This may induce a general feeling of isolation and disconnectedness, but you're feeling that way anyway so why go through all the extra stuff |
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