lmonroe
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 12, 2012
Posts: 1
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 Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 3:50 am Post subject: Aspie's girlfriend - need advice on affection |
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. He has mild Aspergers, but one of his main difficulties is affection. He can do rougher touching - like poking me with his finger, giving me a rough squeeze, or a rough back rub. But in general he'd prefer not to touch or be touched.
I love him completely. I plan on having a family with him and spending the rest of our lives together. I can be patient with his other symptoms, but the lack of affection is something I'm having trouble with. We've talked about it a lot, I'm vocal with my needs, but it never gets better. If I put a lot of energy into being affectionate with him, then I might get a hint of it in return. But it gets exhausting to put so much effort into something that's not reciprocated.
Does anyone have any tips for me? Is there a way for him to learn to be affectionate the same way Aspies learn how to recognize emotions? Or is it something that he just won't be able to improve on and I need to learn to accept it? |
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9799
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:04 am Post subject: Re: Aspie's girlfriend - need advice on affection |
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He may prefer rougher touching due to sensory issues. You've talked about it a lot already so it may be something you need to learn to accept.
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Arman_Khodaei
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 27, 2010
Age: 27
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:24 am Post subject: |
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For me, I love really strong hugs, but light hugs not so much. Maybe, you can get that affection you desire, but you also have to be a little rough in return. You see, for us, it is a sensory thing where touch doesn't feel the same to us as it would you. So, him having a very rough touch is maybe how gentle touch would feel for you.
I don't know if that helps. Does he visit this website? Maybe, you can tell him that this would mean a lot to you and that you understand this is a challenge for him, but that baby steps would mean a great deal. Maybe, you can reach some sort of compromise like he goes a little out of his way to show the affection you desire and you reciprocate in some other manner. Maybe, in time he can learn this. But, then again, maybe not. More than anything, he has to want it. Maybe, telling him how much you appreciate when he shows you the affection you desire. I know I like to be praised for things, so that might make him feel better about it.
Just some thoughts.
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Vito
Raven
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 100
Location: Czech Republic
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:55 am Post subject: |
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| I have similar problem with my girlfriend. I am an Aspie, she has several Aspie traits; one of them is that she does not like to touch people, except little kids (she seems to have strong maternal reflex); so no intimate touching, not even any hugs or holdning hands (initiated by her, she does not mind if I touch her, she has no problem with that). Her explanation is that she does not need it; therefore she does not know when it is appropriate or not. I am not really excited about this characteristics of hers, but I think I will be ok with that, though it occurs to me that it is quite sad that I will never be spontaneously hugged.... |
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tronist
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Vito wrote: | | I have similar problem with my girlfriend. I am an Aspie, she has several Aspie traits; one of them is that she does not like to touch people, except little kids (she seems to have strong maternal reflex); so no intimate touching, not even any hugs or holdning hands (initiated by her, she does not mind if I touch her, she has no problem with that). Her explanation is that she does not need it; therefore she does not know when it is appropriate or not. I am not really excited about this characteristics of hers, but I think I will be ok with that, though it occurs to me that it is quite sad that I will never be spontaneously hugged.... |
it sounds like she isnt completely against the idea, so you could let her know that you want to be spontaneously hugged from time to time, whenever she feels especially happy or w/e about being with you.
i think the main thing is communication. work on that. if you can communicate well, you can probably both get what you desire. work on a compromise. tell him to TRY cuddling with you. personally, i used to be massively against the idea of being touched, and whatnot. now, however, cuddling is my favorite thing to do in the world. |
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Vito
Raven
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 100
Location: Czech Republic
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| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 2:02 am Post subject: |
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| tronist wrote: | | Vito wrote: | | I have similar problem with my girlfriend. I am an Aspie, she has several Aspie traits; one of them is that she does not like to touch people, except little kids (she seems to have strong maternal reflex); so no intimate touching, not even any hugs or holdning hands (initiated by her, she does not mind if I touch her, she has no problem with that). Her explanation is that she does not need it; therefore she does not know when it is appropriate or not. I am not really excited about this characteristics of hers, but I think I will be ok with that, though it occurs to me that it is quite sad that I will never be spontaneously hugged.... |
it sounds like she isnt completely against the idea, so you could let her know that you want to be spontaneously hugged from time to time, whenever she feels especially happy or w/e about being with you. |
Yeah, I told her that on a few occassions; the first time she said that touching is unnatural for her in general, so she does not initiate touching, other times she simply said something like ok, but there was no change whatsoever. With the happy thing, it got me thinking and I figure that I heve never seen her really happy; she is either fine or not fine...... |
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Nim
Depersonalized Aspie
Joined: Sep 08, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 3510
Location: Away
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| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 3:18 am Post subject: Re: Aspie's girlfriend - need advice on affection |
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You should take the word "mild" out of your post, because lets face the obvious - aspie is usually aspie... Mild works for many things, but a mild aspie tends to be deceiving in my view. Its denial in the form of a word... "A mild alcoholic", "A mild case of the flu"... Your still drunk, and your still sick.
Also the word symptoms. Symptoms would indicate... negative connotations to me.
We are really who we are. I can tell you that when in a relationship, every time a girl kisses me deeply on the lips I am simply acting a part rather than enjoying the act. I'm sitting there thinking about tongue placement and lip placement to give her a favorable result so she enjoys herself. It feels like someone is smothering me more than anything really. Its quite the task and is quite irritating... But there are a lot of things going on that you may not fully understand, which you might be able to learn about if you ask him. I've never really told any girl that shes smothering me as shes kissing me. But then again I've never really felt comfortable doing so, because I wouldn't expect a favorable response.
There may be underlying reasons to his madness, which you might have to understand and not be offended by. |
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tronist
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 23, 2011
Posts: 308
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| Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Vito wrote: | | tronist wrote: | | Vito wrote: | | I have similar problem with my girlfriend. I am an Aspie, she has several Aspie traits; one of them is that she does not like to touch people, except little kids (she seems to have strong maternal reflex); so no intimate touching, not even any hugs or holdning hands (initiated by her, she does not mind if I touch her, she has no problem with that). Her explanation is that she does not need it; therefore she does not know when it is appropriate or not. I am not really excited about this characteristics of hers, but I think I will be ok with that, though it occurs to me that it is quite sad that I will never be spontaneously hugged.... |
it sounds like she isnt completely against the idea, so you could let her know that you want to be spontaneously hugged from time to time, whenever she feels especially happy or w/e about being with you. |
Yeah, I told her that on a few occassions; the first time she said that touching is unnatural for her in general, so she does not initiate touching, other times she simply said something like ok, but there was no change whatsoever. With the happy thing, it got me thinking and I figure that I heve never seen her really happy; she is either fine or not fine...... |
if its important to you, you need to keep pestering her to try to work on it. if she is unable to do so, you might want to consider breaking up with her, if it is something that you require. i could definitely understand this, as cuddling, for me, is of the utmost importance. i dont think i could be with someone who was either completely unwilling, or strongly hesitant to trying to cuddle. |
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Vito
Raven
Joined: Dec 20, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 100
Location: Czech Republic
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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| tronist wrote: | | Vito wrote: | | tronist wrote: | | Vito wrote: | | I have similar problem with my girlfriend. I am an Aspie, she has several Aspie traits; one of them is that she does not like to touch people, except little kids (she seems to have strong maternal reflex); so no intimate touching, not even any hugs or holdning hands (initiated by her, she does not mind if I touch her, she has no problem with that). Her explanation is that she does not need it; therefore she does not know when it is appropriate or not. I am not really excited about this characteristics of hers, but I think I will be ok with that, though it occurs to me that it is quite sad that I will never be spontaneously hugged.... |
it sounds like she isnt completely against the idea, so you could let her know that you want to be spontaneously hugged from time to time, whenever she feels especially happy or w/e about being with you. |
Yeah, I told her that on a few occassions; the first time she said that touching is unnatural for her in general, so she does not initiate touching, other times she simply said something like ok, but there was no change whatsoever. With the happy thing, it got me thinking and I figure that I heve never seen her really happy; she is either fine or not fine...... |
if its important to you, you need to keep pestering her to try to work on it. if she is unable to do so, you might want to consider breaking up with her, if it is something that you require. i could definitely understand this, as cuddling, for me, is of the utmost importance. i dont think i could be with someone who was either completely unwilling, or strongly hesitant to trying to cuddle. |
Well, I thought a lot about whether this is a good reason for breaking up with her, but I do not see it as a sufficient reason for breakup, especially because she wasn't previously in any relationship and since she initially disliked any form of touching (it was very weird for her) and gets slowly used to it (at least she says so), she may start to be more active when it stops being so weird. Also I am not sure if the fact that she's not active cuddler is not actually a good thing; that way, I have complete control over the cuddling; it is quite comfortable to know that she will not require me to cuddle with her in a time when I will not be in a mood for it. |
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Muffin
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 12, 2012
Age: 15
Posts: 4
Location: The Milkyway Galaxy!
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 4:00 pm Post subject: Hi! |
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I do not know your boyfriend, but this is how touching works with me:
1) I like pressure (maybe in his case roughness) because it feels secure and safe.
2) I DON'T like to be surprised.
3) When experiencing emotional issues people usually avoid touching me or move slowly so I know it's coming.
4) People ask me if it's okay to touch me sometimes.
5) I am sensitive to all touch even from a familiar person if I am in a crowd.
These might be the answers you are looking for, or they may not be. It is just how it works with me. Y'know the saying, "You know one aspie, guess how many you know, one"
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