Chuckeyegg
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 13, 2012
Posts: 6
Location: UK
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 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:10 am Post subject: Child really good at school and really difficult at home. |
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This has started over the last few weeks, his behaviour has got a million times better at school but he comes home and he changes and is really difficult, lots of verbal stims and obsessional behaviour and becoming very emotional with me all the time. I think it is because he works so hard at school to fit in and work. Is there anything I can do to help him relax when he gets home.
Any advise would be gratefully recieved.
xx |
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TheDarkMage
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 21, 2012
Posts: 418
Location: united kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:33 am Post subject: Re: Child really good at school and really difficult at home |
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| Chuckeyegg wrote: | This has started over the last few weeks, his behaviour has got a million times better at school but he comes home and he changes and is really difficult, lots of verbal stims and obsessional behaviour and becoming very emotional with me all the time. I think it is because he works so hard at school to fit in and work. Is there anything I can do to help him relax when he gets home.
Any advise would be gratefully recieved.
xx |
my daughter is like this sometimes. she comes home and starts acting up.
a lot of it is because she is tired, a lot of it is because she is dehydrated because she wont drink anything. add them together and she becomes a nightmare.
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BTDT
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 1003
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:47 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, it sounds like he is tired. I can act pretty normal but when I'm really tired there isn't much I can do to prevent autistic behaviors except go to bed and sleep--which isn't exactly normal at 5PM! The best I can do is go out in the yard and do gardening chores, all by myself for a few hours, to recharge myself. |
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momsparky
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2734
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:12 am Post subject: |
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This is a pretty typical response for a kid on the spectrum, and one reason why we have to fight so hard to get services: it sometimes isn't obvious to the schools that they need them. My son struggles to keep it together, and we've taken a two-pronged approach to the problem:
First, do some detective work and make sure his needs are being met at school. Does he have appropriate accommodations there? Are his senses over or under stimulated? Is he comfortable understanding and communicating in nonverbal as well as verbal language? Does he know what is expected of him, or is he spending the day constantly guessing? Go over the standard IEPS for other autistic kids (there's a sticky on the top of this board, or you could search Wrightslaw) and see if anything makes sense to you.
Assuming you've done everything you can at school, the best you can do is make home as predictable and comfortable as possible: keep to a routine, allow him time and space to re-set himself however he does it best (isolation, reading, screen time, drawing, listening to music, exercise etc.) Keep in mind that it's probably a herculean effort for him to get through school, and there's a limit to what you can expect at home: pick your battles carefully, make your choices count. |
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annotated_alice
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 26, 2008
Posts: 770
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:44 am Post subject: |
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What momsparky said about doing some detective work about his stressors at school, and then making home as comfortable and predictable as possible.
We specifically let our sons do whatever they want from after school until 5:30pm. So for 2 hours they usually snack and play video games, sometimes after a particularly challenging day my son just goes to his room and shuts the door for an hour. During this unwinding time we don't discuss school at all, and I generally try not to engage them in conversation (exception being them following me around monologuing when they need to talk  ). After 5:30 we do the same things at the same times every night (homework, supper etc). We used to not be able to make any plans for school nights at all, now they can handle friends coming over once or twice a week and they swim on Fridays. This is huge for us! We still never plan errands or anything similarly taxing on school nights. They really need to just take it easy. |
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bethaniej
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 10, 2010
Posts: 162
Location: Charlotte, NC
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 1:38 pm Post subject: |
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My daughter once explained this to me very well...and she was only about 8 at the time. I'd noticed out loud for her that her behavior at home at that time had really taken a nose dive. At the time she had a lot of tantrums, and she began having like one every single evening. It was absolutely exhausting and I came to a point where I knew it was time for us to talk about it. She explained it to me like this, "Mom, I can't get angry at all all day long, Even if I'm mad I have to keep it in. I have to be angry sometimes...I have to be mean to someone." She's 14 now and even now I can tell when things aren't going well at school. All the sudden, things start going really badly at home. We had a terrible January/Febraury for instance. She just started HS this year and in January, every single class changed (new semester). Gawd, it was aweful for a while. And again, I finally had to mention to her that she was snapping at me a lot and getting angry a lot. When I explained how long it had been going on she started doing math on her fingers, and after she thought about it a bit more, she apologized to me...sincerely, for what had been happening.
She still doesn't realize it's happening until it's pointed out to her. It has gotten better, but that behavior hasn't disapeared. Basically stress that can't come out at school comes out at home. For my daughter it's often "adjustment" stress....she doesn't adjust to change very well....AT ALL. So for a while the stress of everything being new had to go somewhere and unfortunately it came home.
When i was young and had this kind of stress, I turned to sports. It helped a LOT. Sometimes she tries this and it works for her as well. |
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TheDarkMage
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 21, 2012
Posts: 418
Location: united kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| bethaniej wrote: | My daughter once explained this to me very well...and she was only about 8 at the time. I'd noticed out loud for her that her behavior at home at that time had really taken a nose dive. At the time she had a lot of tantrums, and she began having like one every single evening. It was absolutely exhausting and I came to a point where I knew it was time for us to talk about it. She explained it to me like this, "Mom, I can't get angry at all all day long, Even if I'm mad I have to keep it in. I have to be angry sometimes...I have to be mean to someone." She's 14 now and even now I can tell when things aren't going well at school. All the sudden, things start going really badly at home. We had a terrible January/Febraury for instance. She just started HS this year and in January, every single class changed (new semester). Gawd, it was aweful for a while. And again, I finally had to mention to her that she was snapping at me a lot and getting angry a lot. When I explained how long it had been going on she started doing math on her fingers, and after she thought about it a bit more, she apologized to me...sincerely, for what had been happening.
She still doesn't realize it's happening until it's pointed out to her. It has gotten better, but that behavior hasn't disapeared. Basically stress that can't come out at school comes out at home. For my daughter it's often "adjustment" stress....she doesn't adjust to change very well....AT ALL. So for a while the stress of everything being new had to go somewhere and unfortunately it came home.
When i was young and had this kind of stress, I turned to sports. It helped a LOT. Sometimes she tries this and it works for her as well. |
that was a great post - thanks for sharing
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| My daughter is also great at school and snippy and irritated when she gets home. We work on it. I know it is backlash from holding it together all day. I always just try to remember, it would be much worse if it were reversed. There is a price to pay for trying to function in a typical world full of social and emotional confusion, not to mention sensory bombardment all day. |
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Mom2Daisy
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 17
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:44 am Post subject: |
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| The same thing happens at our house as well. When I spoke to her psych about it, he said it's pretty normal, and that because she feels "safe" at home, it's the natural place for her to vent. She knows she isn't going to be looked at differently by peers for being called out in front of them, she knows I'll still love her no matter how bad her meltdowns get, etc. I know she (and a lot of other AS kids) is a people pleaser, and that plays into it as well. Other than having decompression time, as some pp's have mentioned, I don't know that there's a lot more you can do, other than to hang in there, and know you're not alone! |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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I used to be the same when I was a child, between the ages of about 7 and 13. I acted really hyper at home and I was very hard work, always demanding my mum, teasing my brother, arguing with my cousin, and having temper tantrums, and frightening the cat for fun. But at school I was the shyest child in the class, was always meek, so polite, stayed focused, and was so well-behaved.
I think it's quite strange because people at home couldn't imagine me being good and quiet at school, and people at school couldn't imagine me being hyper and awkward at home. It almost felt like I was a completely different person when I went to school. It's funny because if I knew how to be well-behaved and serious at school then how come I didn't know how to do it at home?
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Joe90 wrote: | I used to be the same when I was a child, between the ages of about 7 and 13. I acted really hyper at home and I was very hard work, always demanding my mum, teasing my brother, arguing with my cousin, and having temper tantrums, and frightening the cat for fun. But at school I was the shyest child in the class, was always meek, so polite, stayed focused, and was so well-behaved.
I think it's quite strange because people at home couldn't imagine me being good and quiet at school, and people at school couldn't imagine me being hyper and awkward at home. It almost felt like I was a completely different person when I went to school. It's funny because if I knew how to be well-behaved and serious at school then how come I didn't know how to do it at home? |
Just a guess with my daughter, but I think the anxiety and fear at school subdues her. Kids generally aren't afraid or anxious at home so they are more free to express themselves. BTW, my daughter frightens the cat for fun also and I am having a really hard time gettng her to realize that hurting the cat is not acceptable. |
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Last2Know
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 02, 2009
Posts: 72
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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I have a 6 year old son who is very bright and loud and active and it takes everything for him to keep it together at school. He literally explodes when he gets home. I have a 4 year old son who is filled with anxiety and has speech comprehension issues and he implodes when he gets home. When the two of them are together after school, it is really, really hard. Our whole life is really really hard right now. Add to that *my* issues (Aspie) and it's a challenging situation. I recharge by hiding. They recharge by... I don't know, knocking over furniture and rolling around like Tazmanian devils. It's hard for me to relate.
We are working on "transferring skills from school to home" but honestly, I understand that that's not always possible. I compensate a lot at work, and if I had to transfer my work skills to home (and behave the same way) I would be melting down constantly. I think the key is to find the balance, and help them detect when they're getting close to the "red zone" and what they need to do to decompress. They are really good at letting me know when I'm near the red zone.
Thanks for the reference to the IEP's above. I really need to read them. We are also having a lot of trouble getting them help at school because they look too good. It's so frustrating. While I'm glad they're not knocking over furniture and hitting teachers at school, they're doing it at home and it seems like no one believes us. |
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audball
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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These posts are always very interesting to me because my daughter (who is 9) was the complete opposite. She was terrific at home - low anxiety, no outbursts, calm, pleasant. But at school, she modulated between passive and quiet (which isn't her personality) to irritable and anxious. She had headphones for sensory issues, went on medication for both anxiety and ADHD (which she has), stopped participating in music (which provoked anxiety), but still it was unknown what her behavior would be at pick up. She was *very* comfortable expressing her displeasure at school  , but felt embarrassed about outbursts at home.
We had her tested and found that she has very high (99.6%) verbal comprehension but vastly lower processing speed (4%), which is a recipe for disaster in a general education setting.
Now that she is homeschooled by me, I often wonder what it would have been like if I had kept her in school (we pulled her out for academic reasons, but also because she was so miserable in her last placement at a self-contained classroom). Would she have "matured" to understand the social implications of her outbursts? I asked her when I first started teaching her at home about her gen ed issues and she tells me that she was always incredibly frustrated with being in school. Maybe some kids have a better understanding of the social pressures than others?
Incidentally, she's off meds now, and is much better in social situations, despite not being with other students. I know so much is based upon the individual, but it baffles me that she was the polar opposite of so many kids on the spectrum that we know.
ChuckeyEgg, I think you are in good company -- my friends who have children who attend public school say that a scheduled "off time" right when they come home from school has benefitted the whole family. Last2Know, would an actual physical outlet (kid's punching bag, trampoline, etc.?) help? I know that using the How Does Your Engine Run program works to at least predict when things will be going a little unsettled... |
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Eureka-C
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 12, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 495
Location: DallasTexas, USA
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| audball: My DS (11) is the same. Very few, and manageable problems at home, but huge problems at school. He is in a self contained classroom. He has a higher PRI (nonverbal score) than verbal, but he too has a very low processing speed. He was in a reg-ed classroom until he changed school in 5th grade (it is like a middle school with changing classes). He just couldn't keep pace. |
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audball
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Eureka-C wrote: | | audball: My DS (11) is the same. Very few, and manageable problems at home, but huge problems at school. He is in a self contained classroom. He has a higher PRI (nonverbal score) than verbal, but he too has a very low processing speed. He was in a reg-ed classroom until he changed school in 5th grade (it is like a middle school with changing classes). He just couldn't keep pace. |
Apologies for potentially hi-jacking the OP's post: Thanks for your feedback, Eureka-C. That's very interesting - and I hope your DS is doing well in his class School is a challenge for all our kiddos and I hope it gets better for everyone...!
ChuckeyEgg, I also thought about another thing...depending on what school subjects are most troubling to your DS, you may be able to give him some simple plans or steps at home to minimize his stress at school (obviously, it would be great to have a teacher or SPED member on board). Square-graph paper for math problems, a basic "formula" for writing an essay, simple outlines for research...these tools helped us minimize a lot of academic anxiety. A lot of books on executive function techniques really helped all aspects. Sometimes some semblance of control helps minimize some of the anxiety at school. |
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