Zexion
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 06, 2011
Posts: 128
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 Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 9:52 am Post subject: Why do bullies have so many friends? |
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| It seems to me sometimes that the more idiotic you are, the more friends you get. Why did many of the people who bullied me a lot have so many friends and why were they so popular? Anyone else ask themselves this? |
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Daneeka
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jan 25, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 60
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 10:06 am Post subject: |
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They aren't actual 'friends'. Those are, more or less, just people they know. Bullies are the social predators, they can only find someone to pick on by knowing them.
There's something to be said for the # of friends vs. intelligence, though. |
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Uprising
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 10, 2012
Posts: 2920
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 10:08 am Post subject: |
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| They're friended with all the other bullies, it's one side of society that seems to fit somewhere in the NPD/BPD/ASPD spectrum, while the bullied don't. |
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fallen_angel
Raven
Joined: Jun 20, 2011
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 10:34 am Post subject: |
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| Most of them aren't real friends. They only join the bullying to not become the victims. So I think it's fear but also to feel better by putting others down. It's paradox but human nature that we rather walk with the crowd even if that means to do bad things than to stand alone and fight for the good things. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:21 am Post subject: |
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I noticed this at school. The bullies were always the most popular, and always had a big group of friends practically kissing their arse, and including them all the time and thinking they're the most wonderful people in the whole world.
It still goes on in adulthood, believe it or not. At my last volunteer job, one of the women there was very two-faced, bitchy, smarmy, sarcastic, and very, very cliquey. But she was the most popular person there. I didn't like her much, and neither did one or two of the others, but the rest loved her and they were always on her side, no matter what she did wrong. That made me not like her even more.
But the problem with this woman was she had favourites, and she wasn't afraid to express it either. If you was one of her favourites, you automatically really liked her and could never see the bad side of her. If you wasn't one of her favourites, you knew it by sensing a vibe, and you automatically didn't like her and could never see the good side of her, and could never convince her favourites that she had a bad side to her. So basically, she was just one of those people who you either loved or hated.
Perhaps that's how bullies get so popular too. (Obviously she wasn't a bully, but she had a bloody good way of getting her own way with people).
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From: East UK
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katwithhat
Toucan
Joined: Mar 01, 2012
Age: 37
Posts: 271
Location: Who knows
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 11:51 am Post subject: |
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Fear.
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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They fit in, typically the person being bullied does not.
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kevinisginger
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Age: 20
Posts: 29
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Because bullies are manipulative people. You don't have to be smart to have a sneaky tongue. |
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khh
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 12, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Seems to me that this most likely has to do with introversion vs. extroversion. It is my experience that most extrovert people have a lot of friends, and that bullies tend to be extrovert (or at least seem that way). |
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Jtuk
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2012
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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I wonder sometimes if the people who were bullying me in school, were actual bullies, or if I was taking playground teasing the wrong way.
Admittedly some people did bully and more without a doubt but some others in retrospect I'm not sure about.
Very rarely was there anyone else present but the bully, so most of the time this behaviour was unnoticed by the other kids.
Jason.. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13495
Location: My house
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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Yes I have wondered that too but I have also wondered kids who were not nice people, how come they had friends and were likable and I was not?
But I wonder how if they were only mean to me and everyone just thought I deserved it. I mean I did have poor social skills and didn't know how to act and had poor impulse control so the way I acted made it look like I was bad and most people don't respect bad people so they treat you as such. That can be hard for someone who has an ASD or a social disorder so that is where "blaming the victim" comes in. Plus I think I may have taken honesty as them being mean to me and kids are honest and they don't say things to be mean. They are just honest and tell it like the way it is and don't make excuses or sugar coat. Some of them do because they were taught to do it and would get in trouble if they hurt Johnny's feelings so they lie to avoid it. I may have also taken their teasing as them being mean to me. |
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LabPet
alchemist
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 4034
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, I've noticed too  Herd mentality? Like-attracts-like? The path of least resistance? Like the others have already alluded to, they're probably not "friends," by strict definition. Instead, accomplices. Or cohorts. (I'm glad I'm not their friends)! I'd rather hang-out with a bunch of Aspies who are honest and I know I can trust. Yes, we may be eccentric, but we're kind and loyal 
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Moonhawk
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 1596
Location: Hidden :o
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I think those so called friends that they have are actually scared or have some kind of identity problem because mostly one bully is the leader. We just call them followers here :o |
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Matt62
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2012
Age: 51
Posts: 1159
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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As said above: Fear, they don't want to be bullied themselves. The mob mentality, etc. also..
I have had friends come from the ranks of bulllies, as long as THAT person is not around.
Well, I cannot say this from the female side of the aisle, but it is true for the male.. It is that they follow the strongest leader at THAT time..
Sincerely,
Matthew |
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CanisMajor
Toucan
Joined: Feb 27, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 271
Location: Miami Beach
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| Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Jtuk wrote: | | I wonder sometimes if the people who were bullying me in school, were actual bullies, or if I was taking playground teasing the wrong way. |
| League_Girl wrote: | | But I wonder how if they were only mean to me and everyone just thought I deserved it. I mean I did have poor social skills and didn't know how to act and had poor impulse control so the way I acted made it look like I was bad and most people don't respect bad people so they treat you as such. That can be hard for someone who has an ASD or a social disorder so that is where "blaming the victim" comes in. Plus I think I may have taken honesty as them being mean to me and kids are honest and they don't say things to be mean. They are just honest and tell it like the way it is and don't make excuses or sugar coat. Some of them do because they were taught to do it and would get in trouble if they hurt Johnny's feelings so they lie to avoid it. I may have also taken their teasing as them being mean to me. |
It almost seems like the pressure from others is starting to make you guys think "blame the victim" is okay, too.  Taking teasing the wrong way? The only times I've seen teasing be an okay thing is if a friend is doing it in a friendly manner. If the kids teasing you weren't friends, then of course it comes off as mean. That's especially the case if teasing you was a normal thing- it's more "go along with the crowd." As others here said, it's a matter of keeping themselves from being picked on.
I also had an awful time in school. Third and fourth grades were bad, but in fifth grade it was the worst. There wasn't a single kid in the class that left me alone. That's the year I learned how making fun of others helps one's popularity. There was one boy that got teased on almost as much as I did. I realized that if I picked on him, I got a little more acceptance from the others. However, I felt awful doing it and, honestly, he was better at picking on me than I was at picking on him... so he still managed to rise above me on that "popularity totem pole", so to speak. I accepted my fate as the class loser, but I had a valuable lesson learned.
Human nature causes people to divide others into two groups: "us" and "them". People have a strong desire to get along with "us", and they usually use their shared opposition to "them" in order to achieve it. It's the same technique governments use to rally their people against another country that they want to go to war with. A lot of hardcore religious and political groups also do it. It's incredibly easy to manipulate people with it because it's such a strong impulse. (Somehow, I can't find a name for the phenomenon. However, Groupthink is a very similar idea. It's also worthwhile to check the other related ideas under "See also" on the bottom of that page.)
So, essentially, all of us who got picked on were pretty much tools to help the rest of the crowd feel a bond towards each other.  They got closer together by driving us away from them. Isn't human nature lovely? |
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