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jamieevren1210
Sherlock Holmes has Asperger's hands down
Joined: May 25, 2011
Age: 16
Posts: 2105
Location: Taipei, Taiwan
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 Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 9:48 am Post subject: |
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I know that we are sort of short on nts here, but a question for nt girls. Do you absolutely detest skirts?
_________________
Aspie, Sherlockian, nerd, actress, student, scout, punk, vocalist, guitarist, violinist, doctor wannabe.
AS, possible Bipolar and ADHD. Asexual. Genderqueer(sort of)
Gifted with an IQ I do not need.
MAJOR Sherlock Holmes&Green Day fan |
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Nim
Depersonalized Aspie
Joined: Sep 08, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 3510
Location: Away
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| Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Needed : A correlation between what I am doing and a word I can understand, such as if I was crying - you would respond perhaps your sad.
Not Needed : An assessment of the situation. (but you can if you want).
So, a hour ago or so I was eating. A Chinese girl turned around (employee) while sitting in a booth behind mine (we where back to back) and asked what I do for a living out of the blue. We then had a short discussion in which I barely understood her and she barely understood me. But the emphasis here is I actually enjoyed myself. Usually what happens is I will be eating/going to eat and there is a hostess/cashier who takes a liking to me. I usually don't reciprocate feelings and/or its noise prone/loud in the area so I can't function. I avoid three or so places right now due to this, and another due to an ex girlfriend. But with this girl I simply thought about when I could come back next. Which is odd for me. Often times I'm alone, and my own little world seems to be far from the truth of the bigger one. It always seems like my own little world is closed off, with just me there to enjoy it. But could I necessarily be doing something wrong by ignoring the outside world? Am I making odd decisions based on an emotion which I can't fully understand but may have a name? I just know I find myself sitting here alone, I don't exactly want company but for some reason that girl made me think more than any of the others have. For some reason she pulled me slightly over to the real world in our short conversation. But perhaps I'm just confused. She was easy to stare at, nice skin - easy to smile with, for some reason the small partition of booth separating us seemed almost like it wasn't there. It seemed like I was holding her hand despite that. I wish I could have spoken to her more. |
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alongfortheride
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 25
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| Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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| jamieevren1210 wrote: | | I know that we are sort of short on nts here, but a question for nt girls. Do you absolutely detest skirts? |
It's been a while since I considered myself a girl rather than a woman, but no I don't detest skirts. I wear them when I need to, but prefer pants on a day to day basis. |
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Suspie
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 07, 2012
Posts: 429
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| Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Today I went to the pub and I saw a man that I have seen once before. I sat next to him. He is a chef, I am a cook, so we started talking about local restaurants. He is not from around here, neither am I.
During the whole 1-1.5 hrs that we chatted together, he looked at me maybe 5 times, he kept looking at the bar surface. This made the conversation flow better. He laughed at my jokes, while still looking at the bar surface, we chatted like I said, he gave me his name for FB, after I asked for it. He said he was interviewed for a local paper, I said "oh wow that's great". He then said something negative about some local restaurant owner, I appreciated his honesty and I told him my opinion about that person, being also honest. I appreciate how he was looking away and didn't try to do the whole "eye contact overload mystery thing", I appreciate how he was honest about his opinion of local restaurant owner, most people around here would never tell a stranger that they dislike someone.
He left. I have no idea if he is interested in me at all or not. If I was neurotypical, would I already be having a clue? If I was neurotypical, considering that he hardly ever looked at me, how could I have conveyed that I am available?
Thanks! |
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Kiseki
I just ran out of Band-Aids
Joined: May 30, 2010
Age: 33
Posts: 1604
Location: Osaka JP
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:19 am Post subject: |
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A question for NTs:
Basically I am never never offended by honesty, even if I can see where others might be. For example, I am a bit fat and if someone tells me "You know, your thighs are big" I would not be offended by that cuz it is true. I'd probably be embarrassed however. Anyway, why do you- NTs- get offended when someone tells the truth?
_________________
Your Aspie score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Emilyjane
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 25, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:31 am Post subject: Honesty |
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*Grins* My partner and I regularly talk through this one. For some context: I am a 26 year old female NT.
Generally the offense is not taken at having the truth pointed out, as most people (and I am generalising again) are often already aware of it, but it is the implied and unsaid social/emotional connotations that go hand in hand with the truthful statement. Its not what you said, it was how you said it, and how it was perceived by the other person in a particular social context.
To use your example of someone commenting on the size of your thighs. You said you are aware of this fact, and take it at face value as a truthful statement.
However, for myself and a lot of other NT women, some of the things we associate with a statement like that are(regardless of the actual size of my thighs):
Im too fat, you think I should lose weight, maybe you are telling me my trousers make my thighs look fat and I shouldn't wear them, or you are telling me I have gained some weight? You think im ugly?
Add that to the social construct of beauty as a slim woman, many of us are hypersensitive to comments about body shape or size regardless of how true they may be. This is comparable to my partners physical hypersensitivity to loud noises or sudden movements. Also, socially in western culture it is considered rude to point out that someone is bigger.
With regards to context I would perceive the same statement "your thighs are big" very differently from a close friend than from a random male on the street. From my friend I would understand it to be a friendly comment from someone who knows me well and has noticed this fact and is concerned for my mental or physical health, but from the random male I would receive this as a hurtful and judgemental remark on my worth as person in a society that equates slim body shape with femininity.
I can appreciate it can be very tricky to get right, and ultimately the only advice I can give is to try and think about how that comment/statement could possibly be understood, or interpreted by the other person. Will it make them feel better about themself? If it is of a personal nature, how close is your relationship with that person? Is your opinion (or statement) requested? Is it necessary. And above all is it kind?
I think your question lies at the heart of the aspergers issue - difficulty with reading social contexts. As a side note, my partners unwavering (and sometimes brutal) honesty was one of things that attracted me as a friend 14 years ago, and later as a romantic partner.
I hope this is helpful, if not - I apologise. My weakness lies in writing my thoughts in a logical order, and I figure things out by having a discussion with another person!!! |
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Kiseki
I just ran out of Band-Aids
Joined: May 30, 2010
Age: 33
Posts: 1604
Location: Osaka JP
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 9:56 am Post subject: Re: Honesty |
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| Emilyjane wrote: | *Grins* My partner and I regularly talk through this one. For some context: I am a 26 year old female NT.
Generally the offense is not taken at having the truth pointed out, as most people (and I am generalising again) are often already aware of it, but it is the implied and unsaid social/emotional connotations that go hand in hand with the truthful statement. Its not what you said, it was how you said it, and how it was perceived by the other person in a particular social context.
To use your example of someone commenting on the size of your thighs. You said you are aware of this fact, and take it at face value as a truthful statement.
However, for myself and a lot of other NT women, some of the things we associate with a statement like that are(regardless of the actual size of my thighs):
Im too fat, you think I should lose weight, maybe you are telling me my trousers make my thighs look fat and I shouldn't wear them, or you are telling me I have gained some weight? You think im ugly?
Add that to the social construct of beauty as a slim woman, many of us are hypersensitive to comments about body shape or size regardless of how true they may be. This is comparable to my partners physical hypersensitivity to loud noises or sudden movements. Also, socially in western culture it is considered rude to point out that someone is bigger.
With regards to context I would perceive the same statement "your thighs are big" very differently from a close friend than from a random male on the street. From my friend I would understand it to be a friendly comment from someone who knows me well and has noticed this fact and is concerned for my mental or physical health, but from the random male I would receive this as a hurtful and judgemental remark on my worth as person in a society that equates slim body shape with femininity.
I can appreciate it can be very tricky to get right, and ultimately the only advice I can give is to try and think about how that comment/statement could possibly be understood, or interpreted by the other person. Will it make them feel better about themself? If it is of a personal nature, how close is your relationship with that person? Is your opinion (or statement) requested? Is it necessary. And above all is it kind?
I think your question lies at the heart of the aspergers issue - difficulty with reading social contexts. As a side note, my partners unwavering (and sometimes brutal) honesty was one of things that attracted me as a friend 14 years ago, and later as a romantic partner.
I hope this is helpful, if not - I apologise. My weakness lies in writing my thoughts in a logical order, and I figure things out by having a discussion with another person!!! |
Thanks for the reply! I DO often think of how the other person will perceive what I say. I am sensitive to people who have the same problems that I do cuz I guess I think they must feel the same way as me. I can see what you are saying about social construct. I'm glad you were attracted to your partners brutal honesty! 
_________________
Your Aspie score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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katwithhat
Toucan
Joined: Mar 01, 2012
Age: 37
Posts: 271
Location: Who knows
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Question for an NT:
How do you instinctively know when it is your turn to speak? I sometimes feel I can contribute to the conversation but I never know when I can jump in. Then when I do, I 'info-dump' on the person. Is there some sort of unwritten rule of how many sentences you or someone speaks before you can speak? Or how many sentences are acceptable in regular conversation? Please help. This is the main thing I screw up when I can actually talk to someone!!!
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I see your lips moving, but all I hear is, oh, look!!! A cat... |
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BanjoGirl
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 25, 2012
Posts: 613
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| Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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It's all intuition and oportunity.
I think every turn to speak is used to tell one anecdote (one story, one piece of information, one gossip), when someone finish the anecdote, then I can tell mine but trying to relate my anecdote to theirs (example. "Oh, that's similar to what I saw the other day...", "That remembers me...", "Yes, I tried something like that, I remember that one day I tried..."). |
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Megans
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 20, 2011
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 9:29 pm Post subject: Important topics! |
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| This is a great topic with so much good information I think it should be a separate forum so topics are not lost. I am learning so much! |
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TruthTree
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2010
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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| kojot wrote: | | Daj wrote: | | Saturn wrote: | | TruthTree wrote: | Question for Aspies please.
How can I tell the difference between:
a) When an AS person overloaded and needs to be left alone
b) When the AS person won't speak to me because he is angry with me?
Also, if the AS person is angry with me should I try to leave them alone or should I try to talk to him about it? |
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When an AS person is overloaded, I think there will be signs of anxiety like ticks, playing with hands or fingers, etc. And the person will talk to you but will seem dismissive.
When an AS person is angry, like REALLY angry, they will do their best to not talk at all. This is how I am at least. I just got fired from a job because of this I think. I was Really mad at the new manager, and I told him the necessary information politely, but he kept trying to talk to me and he took my silence as an insult I believe. When I get mad like that though its hard to talk and move. I may shake even. But if I do talk it will be horrible for the receiver.
If an AS person is angry definitely leave them alone. |
Yes, I do that too. I try very hard to keep my mouth shut when I'm really really angry, because I know I might loose control. |
Thank you to you both for your replies.
I think I've come across my SO's angry behaviour, he told me "go away" in a very straight forward manner.
I will stay away. |
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TruthTree
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2010
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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| katwithhat wrote: | Question for an NT:
How do you instinctively know when it is your turn to speak? I sometimes feel I can contribute to the conversation but I never know when I can jump in. Then when I do, I 'info-dump' on the person. Is there some sort of unwritten rule of how many sentences you or someone speaks before you can speak? Or how many sentences are acceptable in regular conversation? Please help. This is the main thing I screw up when I can actually talk to someone!!! |
This one is really hard but let me give it a try..
Even for an NT it's sometimes difficult, especially when other people that are talking are dominant types that like to overpower a conversation.
In a 1 on 1 conversation, you can sometimes interrupt out of excitement, but you'd want to keep it very short like "oh! I just thought of something! .. go ahead" so that the other person can finish what they were saying but with the expectation that you also have something to say.
I think generally you'd want to talk one 'paragraph' at a time, and give the other person chance to talk before you do another paragraph - paragraph meaning it has some sort of a beginning- i.e. "I was at the aquarium", a middle - "I saw many different kinds of fish. A purple fish, pink fish, yellow fish." and an end "It was awesome".
Likewise if you want to contribute to the conversation look for an 'ending' in the person's paragraph to jump in. It will usually be some sort of a concluding statement.
In group conversations though, sometimes it's just being louder than the other people that counts! |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 870
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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jamieevren1210:
Don't mind skirts at all. It it's cute I'll wear it.
Kiseki:
Have you ever heard of that saying "the truth hurts"? Well sometimes it does! LOL I guess at least in the NT world. I suppose the way we are wired, even though we know it's the truth, it's still hard to accept. And I agree with Emilyjane, as NT's we like to read between the lines and in some cases the comment does have more than one meaning(especially if coming from another NT-we can be mean spirited). So saying my thighs are big is going to anger me because I'm thinking you're telling me I'm fat.
Every now and then my Aspie will blurt out bits of truth about me and I'll admit it stings a bit but I know it's not coming from a place of evil. He's not trying to hurt me. I never have to wonder what he really thinks. I don't wrack my brain wondering what he thinks of me or anything else.
katwithhat:
It's like tennis sometimes. When the other person stops talking, it's like they are "serving" you the ball. Then you respond and "serve" it back. Sometimes it's not that easy. Especially if one person is super excited and has a lot to say. They may continue to talk without coming up for a breath. Sometimes you just forfeit the game and let them talk! I have friends who will talk over you so that they make sure they get their point out. I just wait for them to finish and then continue. Just wait for the break in the conversation. I do find though if there are a lot of amped up folks trying to talk, there's a good chance I'll be doing more listening than talking. It's just what happens. Either you're going to bully your way in or sit back and listen! |
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MissMikkyy
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 04, 2012
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:28 am Post subject: |
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| Kiseki wrote: | A question for NTs:
Basically I am never never offended by honesty, even if I can see where others might be. For example, I am a bit fat and if someone tells me "You know, your thighs are big" I would not be offended by that cuz it is true. I'd probably be embarrassed however. Anyway, why do you- NTs- get offended when someone tells the truth? |
I think this has been answered but I just want to put my opinion in.
I think it hurts us because we already know this is true, but we don't want to be reminded of a perceived flaw. I'm naturally severely underweight, and even though I know this to be true and it's pointed out almost daily, it still stings each time. It can even show malice to point out something like that, whether it is worded as an insult or not. |
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Neutrino
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 09, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 45
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:27 am Post subject: |
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A couple of questions for NTs:
1. Do you always understand whether a person is serious or not? I hardly ever know when someone's joking. I look at their face but I can't figure out if they're serious.
2. Do you always know when it's your turn to speak when talking on the phone? |
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