Maymac
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Posts: 27
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 Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:31 am Post subject: Trapped inside my own head |
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You know I've, got perminant tinitis from listening to my ipod. I don't mind it. It's loud as **** 'specially when I wake up, but I've gotten used to it.
But my mind, the things going on in my head, I can't bear it. It's like brain tinitis. I can not stop thinking in the past or in the future. At any one time I think I only devote 10% of my attention to what I'm doing. The other 90% is spent thinking about something from my past or some stupid long term project that I'm never going to do.
During Highschool I spent all my time either playing video games or talking to myself inside my head. People lied to me and took advantage of my autism. So there was no point in engaging with the real world, it was one step up from talking to a brick wall. At least it was possible to get somekind of response from myself. I used to fantisize about being treated like a real person. Nothing huge just something like people saying 'hello' or actually listening to my problems instead of just assuming I was just 'diseased'.
I don't think I've ever engaged fully with the real world since I left. Sure I'm not being abused anymore, but there's no incentive to switch on. I haven't had a freind since I was eleven, about nine or ten years ago.
And I put such a huge amount of effort into those other thoughts to the point that I'm exausted. I have to listen to music when I work just to drown out these thoughts. I can't stop them.
It became a problem when I was studying at uni, I was thinking about something autism related, which made me think of highschool. I started sweating and I suddenly had to try so hard not to cry in a room full of people. All that pain I'd experianced just came flooding back in one hit. I just stared at that screen for an hour and tried to pick myself up and leave the room without letting people see my eyes.
It still makes me physically sick, I have no words to describe how painful that point in my life was and all I've every been told is it didn't really matter.
But if I'm not thinking about that I'm thinking about something else and I can't stop it. My head hurts. I should be studying, and I can't think. |
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TheDarkMage
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 21, 2012
Posts: 418
Location: united kingdom
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| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 9:54 am Post subject: |
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i think most people here can understand the brain activity. most of us here have the same thing. you're not that different from me
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i_wanna_blue
Within
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Joined: Aug 10, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 7714
Location: Alone
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| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:41 am Post subject: |
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I obsess over negative things 24/7. i can't really change this rigid way of thinking. I focus on past failures constantly, and future embarrassments. i think about them in my sleep too. it really is exhausting, i know, and i'm sorry you're going through this. the only friend i really have to talk to is myself, as i'm the only person who understands how much pain i've been through, and is willing to listen. nobody else cares to listen about what events have shaped my life so negatively. i can't afford a psychologist, but they probably wouldn't even care about me. they're probably more concerned about the pay they receive, and when the next patient comes, they probably wouldn't even remember what i came for.
i couldn't finish uni, because of it. and that just made things worse. but medication has helped me, for the most part - perhaps it's something you can look into. i have totally detached myself from society as well. i haven't had a friend since i was 20. it sucks, but people just treat me like crap, and i rather not go through that hurt. i wish i had advice, but all i can do, is wish you good luck in your endeavours. |
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GamerNerd07901
Raven
Joined: Jun 06, 2011
Age: 18
Posts: 123
Location: Summit, New Jersey
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| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:22 am Post subject: negativity |
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Before I start, I just want to make it clear that I do not believe that anything I am about to say is easy to do.
I'm not really sure how to introduce it so, i'll jump right in.
Negative emotions are poisonous. Emotionally, and in your case Maymac, physically. The point is that living in a constant state of anger, depression, or sadness poisons your outlook, and makes it even harder to be happy. Its a vicious cycle. You just have to let go of them and live in the moment.
I know it is hard, and I know your probably thinking to yourself "you don't understand. I just can't, and I've been trying for so long" or something like that. I know. I used to say the same thing. My dad always told me that I would start to improve after I had hit rock bottom. And he was right. I only started figuiring all of this out before I had a panic attack during the SATs and had to void my scores.
Also. What do you mean you havnt had a friend since you were 11? You have hundreds of friends right here on Wp 
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What is learning? Its paying attention. its opening yourself up to this great big ball of****that we call life! And whats the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass! Well let me tell you, My ass looks like hamburger meat,But I can still sit down! |
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TheDarkMage
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 21, 2012
Posts: 418
Location: united kingdom
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| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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| i_wanna_blue wrote: | I obsess over negative things 24/7. i can't really change this rigid way of thinking. I focus on past failures constantly, and future embarrassments. i think about them in my sleep too. it really is exhausting, i know, and i'm sorry you're going through this. the only friend i really have to talk to is myself, as i'm the only person who understands how much pain i've been through, and is willing to listen. nobody else cares to listen about what events have shaped my life so negatively. i can't afford a psychologist, but they probably wouldn't even care about me. they're probably more concerned about the pay they receive, and when the next patient comes, they probably wouldn't even remember what i came for.
i couldn't finish uni, because of it. and that just made things worse. but medication has helped me, for the most part - perhaps it's something you can look into. i have totally detached myself from society as well. i haven't had a friend since i was 20. it sucks, but people just treat me like crap, and i rather not go through that hurt. i wish i had advice, but all i can do, is wish you good luck in your endeavours. |
im 33 and i havent had friends since i was 20 either.
i know this sounds like a typical thing to say but why dont you write as much down on paper as possible about all the things you have been through? when i got my first appointment with a specialist, i decided to write down as much as i could to take with me as evidence. i then found that i wanted to keep expanding on what i wrote. before i knew it i had written 23,000 words, now i have put the lot onto my own site. it didnt change anything but there is something quite relieving about writing it all down. its like you no longer need to hold onto it anymore because you have it in writing.
does that make sense?
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i_wanna_blue
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Joined: Aug 10, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 7714
Location: Alone
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| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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| TheDarkMage wrote: | | i_wanna_blue wrote: | I obsess over negative things 24/7. i can't really change this rigid way of thinking. I focus on past failures constantly, and future embarrassments. i think about them in my sleep too. it really is exhausting, i know, and i'm sorry you're going through this. the only friend i really have to talk to is myself, as i'm the only person who understands how much pain i've been through, and is willing to listen. nobody else cares to listen about what events have shaped my life so negatively. i can't afford a psychologist, but they probably wouldn't even care about me. they're probably more concerned about the pay they receive, and when the next patient comes, they probably wouldn't even remember what i came for.
i couldn't finish uni, because of it. and that just made things worse. but medication has helped me, for the most part - perhaps it's something you can look into. i have totally detached myself from society as well. i haven't had a friend since i was 20. it sucks, but people just treat me like crap, and i rather not go through that hurt. i wish i had advice, but all i can do, is wish you good luck in your endeavours. |
im 33 and i havent had friends since i was 20 either.
i know this sounds like a typical thing to say but why dont you write as much down on paper as possible about all the things you have been through? when i got my first appointment with a specialist, i decided to write down as much as i could to take with me as evidence. i then found that i wanted to keep expanding on what i wrote. before i knew it i had written 23,000 words, now i have put the lot onto my own site. it didnt change anything but there is something quite relieving about writing it all down. its like you no longer need to hold onto it anymore because you have it in writing.
does that make sense? |
it does make sense yes. i have written things on paper, and yes it did feel as if i somehow unburdened myself of some emotional baggage. i suppose it's something the OP could do as well. the only problem i have is procrastination, and ultimately not wanting to do anything, because it seems so pointless. but i guess i can try again, to chronicle my err.. failures : P |
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