gsh72
Emu Egg
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Posts: 4
|
 Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:19 pm Post subject: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
 |
|
Out of nowhere, with no warning, I will suddenly want to avoid and/or dump a friend (not that I have all that many, mind you). It happened this weekend, for the first time in about 20 years. There's no anger or resentment here, just an unshakeable desire to no longer be involved with this person.
I think what happened in this instance is a cumulative effect -- my personality traits (specifically, the problem-solving) have been taken advantage of by this person for a few years now. I, of course, never noticed because problem-solving is what I do and who I am, it's as easy as breathing. But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it?
That was the limit. I don't know why it took so long to get here, but here I am. The person isn't malicious or cruel but definitely is, I see now, a bottomless pit of need. And while I like the person well enough, now that I see that I'm being taken advantage of, I know that's wrong and can't deal with them. For me, it's done. This is the first time I've been able to identify a possible cause for the sudden need to de-friend someone, so that's progress, I suppose.
So I'm just trying to understand this, I guess.
Does anyone else go through this? |
|
| Back to top |
|
AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 5004
Location: Houston, Texas
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:54 pm Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| gsh72 wrote: | | . . . asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it? . . |
This part in particular, sounds like he or she is treating you as an employee, not as a friend.
How about . . . a pause of a couple of days and then confronting this person?
Just an idea. You have to do what feels right to you of course.
Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
IdahoRose
Imaginary Friend
![]()
Joined: Feb 25, 2007
Age: 22
Posts: 18651
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I sometimes want to dump friends for no reason, and I usually go through with it. I used to be friends with many people on this website, but I stopped being their friend either by avoiding them or deliberately making them dislike me. Most of the friends that I do have (from WrongPlanet or otherwise) are still my friends out of sheer persistence and a lot of forgiveness/patience on their part.
I believe that the reason why I suddenly dump my friends for no reason is because I have trust issues stemming from my past. Whenever I feel like people are getting too close to me, I push them away out of fear that they'll hurt me later. It's an "I''ll hurt them before they hurt me" type of thing. |
|
| Back to top |
|
LabPet
alchemist
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 4051
Location: UK
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Although I've not suddenly dis-engaged with someone, I know what you mean. From what I gather, from what you've written, this relationship has simply come to an end. Good you realise this instead of lingering on, which could become counterproductive. Seems you're doing the right thing. Maybe this is a private transition for you and it need not be hard or traumatic.
I guess I've 'lost' friendships - sometimes it's perfectly fine. We do move on - it's natural and even expected sometimes. You shouldn't feel like you have to justify your actions....instead, maybe it's just time. You have your reasons. Make the simple and nice/friendly - then just disconnect. You don't need to explain, really.
I bet you'll find a new friend soon enough that's more suited for your own interests.
Totally separately, and perhaps why your post caught my attention: Just this past week (or so) someone that I've known for quite some time, whom I've always considered a (distant) friend, a colleague actually, has become extremely cold with me. And I know why - one she knows has never liked me much (and that's fine!) has taken her on a 'best friend' and they are now practically inseparabley, like sisters. I'm excluded. Although I'll miss my 'friend', it's probably better since she's been disrespectful to me as of late. I am disappointed in her. Still, I am professional with her. But I no longer consider her my friend. I'm not really sad about this (although some tinge of hurt feelings) and I think now it's time to divest from her and her 'new friend.'
I know Aspies are, by nature, the outsider, and I sense this now. Anyhow, I understand, gsh72. It happens.
_________________
"Barn's burnt down, now I can see the moon." - Masahide, circa 1700. Haiku poetry. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ellendra
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 22, 2011
Posts: 127
Location: Wi, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 3:59 pm Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| gsh72 wrote: | | But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it? |
Time to start charging hourly, with added fees for rush orders. |
|
| Back to top |
|
AngelKnight
Phoenix
Joined: May 04, 2011
Posts: 748
Location: This is not my home; I'm just passing through
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:01 pm Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| gsh72 wrote: | Out of nowhere, with no warning, I will suddenly want to avoid and/or dump a friend (not that I have all that many, mind you). It happened this weekend, for the first time in about 20 years. There's no anger or resentment here, just an unshakeable desire to no longer be involved with this person.
I think what happened in this instance is a cumulative effect -- my personality traits (specifically, the problem-solving) have been taken advantage of by this person for a few years now. I, of course, never noticed because problem-solving is what I do and who I am, it's as easy as breathing. But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it?
That was the limit. I don't know why it took so long to get here, but here I am. |
It seems you've explained it quite well already; you've discovered you're being taken very much for granted, in a way inconsistent with being respected as a person, and you find this distasteful and want to get away from it.
That said, there are a variety of ways to handle this. You can politely refuse to be available for this and other "favors." Completely avoiding the person may or may not be necessary. |
|
| Back to top |
|
questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:56 pm Post subject: Ending friendships |
|
|
| I am in complete agreement with Ellendra. Send her a billing statement for hourly and rush job rates. Be friendly about it in the accompanying email, but my guess is she will dump you soon enough after that. Just include in the billing email that you don't have that much free time, so you are now having to charge for PC work to get people to stop using up your free time as a PC fix it person. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Catarina
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 26, 2012
Posts: 42
Location: Northern Europe
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I understand your feelings. I have a friend that will contact me whenever she needs something edited in English. Sometime it has been on the last day, when I have had a sick child. She is always flattering and she does reciprocate by inviting me to dinner or something like that. Reciprocation is a bit of an uncomfortable foreign dance for me. It is not expected immediately, but eventually.
I only mention this because your old friend may be someone (like me) who is unaware that you feel used. I am someone who offends people and I am often left wondering how I messed up. So in the spirit of fairness, do the polite thing and just set a respectful boundary. Say something like, "In the past I was available to help problem-solve for you. Things have changed for and I am not free like I used to be."
That way, you have set boundary without the black-while all-or-nothing behavior. Sending a billing statement without ever announcing the change in parameters of such a favor is very passive-aggressive and would be rude. You can add a comment like, for a fee I may be able to consult. However, I doubt that you are after money, you want respect and setting the boundary is how you will get it.
Last edited by Catarina on Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:18 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
CaptainTrips222
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 31, 2009
Age: 31
Posts: 3038
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 6:24 pm Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| gsh72 wrote: | | I think what happened in this instance is a cumulative effect -- my personality traits (specifically, the problem-solving) have been taken advantage of by this person for a few years now. I, of course, never noticed because problem-solving is what I do and who I am, it's as easy as breathing. But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it? |
It's understandable that you want to move on. It might be a little more... thoughtful, maybe, if you somehow expressed your sentiments about what this person did before you cut them off. Of course, it's whatever makes sense to you. |
|
| Back to top |
|
AngelKnight
Phoenix
Joined: May 04, 2011
Posts: 748
Location: This is not my home; I'm just passing through
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 7:58 pm Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| Ellendra wrote: | | gsh72 wrote: | | But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it? |
Time to start charging hourly, with added fees for rush orders. |
*chuckles*
I've been tempted in the past. Not with anyone who made me feel used, just with persons who managed to do exactly what I asked them not to do, on multiple occasions, only to end up with their computers partially crippled.. |
|
| Back to top |
|
DogGirlSaydee
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 14, 2012
Posts: 55
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 2:28 am Post subject: Re: Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly |
|
|
| gsh72 wrote: | Out of nowhere, with no warning, I will suddenly want to avoid and/or dump a friend (not that I have all that many, mind you).There's no anger or resentment here, just an unshakeable desire to no longer be involved with this person.
....
Does anyone else go through this? |
All the time. It's quite strange. I usually avoid them for months and we'll end up talking again or they'll admit that they hate me and that I'm annoying. Whatevs.
_________________
dropthelabels.tumblr.com
Aspie score: 194 of 200
Neurotypical score: 7 of 200
Conclusion: very likely an Aspie |
|
| Back to top |
|
Mummy_of_Peanut
Countess de Noir
Joined: Feb 21, 2011
Age: 40
Posts: 3483
Location: Bonnie Scotland
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 12:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's the story of my life. A couple I decided I didn't want to see any longer got in touch a few years ago. We're inseparable now. I was going through a really tough time with social anxiety back when I dumped them. I'm over that now and can talk freely with them these days.
_________________
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiatic about." Charles Kingsley |
|
| Back to top |
|
gsh72
Emu Egg
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Posts: 4
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2012 4:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks everyone for the replies. It's rare that I've ever had much of a grasp on why I've felt the need to be done with people -- why I can go from suddenly being quite fond of someone to really not caring if I ever interact with them again.
As for trying to explain to the person, for now I'm thinking not. There's probably no good way to explain to a non-ASD person that while it has taken you a while to process and put all the pieces together, you now see that, all along, it was a mistake to get to know them. And I want to avoid the inevitable "But I don't understand" drawn out conversation that would likely happen. I don't feel the need to explain or justify my decision. Understanding is not the goal, severing of the connection is.
Anyway, thanks again -- you all provided perspectives that helped. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
