idlewild
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 22, 2011
Posts: 176
Location: WI, USA
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 Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:49 pm Post subject: Women More Sensitive To Disapproval? |
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I've been thinking about the theories on why AS women find it easier to adapt socially than men. I don't really recall people trying to help me become better at social skills, but I do remember the one emotion I was able to pick up easily was disapproval. Because i could pick up on disapproval I worked hard not to be better socially, but to minimize and hide the things people frowned on.
For instance, stimming was not acceptable, so instead of learning to not stim, I merely learned to hide my stimming.
When I was chastised for talking to adults about my special interests, I simply stopped talking to adults, but continued to pursue my special interests privately.
So I wonder if were are really more socially adaptable, or if we are better at hiding our AS behavior?
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Ellingtonia
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Oct 10, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 3:21 pm Post subject: Re: Women More Sensitive To Disapproval? |
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| idlewild wrote: | | So I wonder if were are really more socially adaptable, or if we are better at hiding our AS behavior? |
Are these two things really that different? |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:40 pm Post subject: Adapting or hiding? |
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I have always been hyper sensitive to disapproval. My stims have never been too weird, so they didn't cause me too much of a problem in public. However, my other differences have caused me a lot of problems. I started out in life as an extremely shy child, but who did want to fit in and be somewhat social. Unfortunately, NT kids homed in on my differentness, and made me suffer a great deal for it. I took to keeping more and more to myself, until I got to the point where I preferred being alone. I got to that point at about the age of 20. So now, in my early 50s, and for many decades past, I have been a solitary person by choice. My one problem with it is my extrovert father, who believes that being an introvert is a form of mental illness--and that we are automatically unhappy if we are introverts. Being with other people is what makes me unhappy! Only how to you explain that to an extrovert who is in his mid 80s?
As for stuff I do that doesn't fit the norm, if it is something I need or want to do that doesn't or shouldn't bother others, I will do my thing, and so what if others don't like it. For instance, I don't wear makeup, don't wear dresses/skirts, and don't wear high heels. I don't care for them, so I don't wear them. I only wear bras when I have to go out. I live alone, so I don't have to wear bras at home to "fit in" with anyone.
As for talk, people don't care much for my interests, and I don't care much for their disapproval of my differences, so I don't talk much to people. I am under no obligation to talk with or socialize with people who don't share my interests, and who don't approve of me. When I do have to talk to them, I keep it simple and civil, but that's basically it. |
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dizzywater
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Feb 04, 2012
Posts: 194
Location: sitting by the computer
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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I definately notice subtle facial expressions, especially that subtle pause or startle that people, usually other women, do when I do something I wasn't supposed to and from that point on I notice the person is subtly different towards me.
I look very normal, very acceptable. I seem to have a friendly face and strangers seem to want to chat, then no matter how hard I try to behave exactly like everyone else I notice them noticing that I am odd.
Noticing it doesn't help me to not do what I think is appropriate, but apparantly isn't. Each time I will have done something different, some things I have pinpointed and not done again. When I overhear a small talk question I still file it away in my memory for future use along with the response that was given, even at the age of 42, I am still collecting ways to respond to smalltalk.
Talking about "nothing much" is the most difficult, pointless, boring task ever invented, to say it doesn't come easily is an understatement, but I now have enough set pieces in my repertoire to pass as friendly if not quite the same as an NT. It also helps that I have a genuine interest in meteorology, so I can talk about the weather very well, but I have to tone it down a lot 
I so wish I had known about AS when I was noticing various family members looking at each other at my oddness, when I was a child. That certainly made me want to be "normal", made me feel deficient for years. Now I have happily stumbled on self acceptance  |
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idlewild
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 22, 2011
Posts: 176
Location: WI, USA
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| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:20 pm Post subject: Re: Women More Sensitive To Disapproval? |
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| Ellingtonia wrote: | | idlewild wrote: | | So I wonder if were are really more socially adaptable, or if we are better at hiding our AS behavior? |
Are these two things really that different? |
I think so. One is creating "better behavior" and the other is simply hiding the most objectionable behavior from others.
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"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias |
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dreamy
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 29, 2006
Posts: 72
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| Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:13 pm Post subject: Re: Women More Sensitive To Disapproval? |
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| idlewild wrote: | | So I wonder if were are really more socially adaptable, or if we are better at hiding our AS behavior? |
I think we are both.
IMO most of us are more sensitive to disapproval, but some of us can ignore it or stop caring. I think I'm sensitive or very sensitive to some types and others I can tune out or not care about. |
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idlewild
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 22, 2011
Posts: 176
Location: WI, USA
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| Posted: Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:23 pm Post subject: Re: Women More Sensitive To Disapproval? |
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| dreamy wrote: | | idlewild wrote: | | So I wonder if were are really more socially adaptable, or if we are better at hiding our AS behavior? |
I think we are both.
IMO most of us are more sensitive to disapproval, but some of us can ignore it or stop caring. I think I'm sensitive or very sensitive to some types and others I can tune out or not care about. |
I hid a lot of my AS behavior as a child, particularly stimming, and I wonder if that is one reason it wasn't caught, and why my abrupt meltdowns were that much more puzzling.
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"My personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair." - Steel Magnolias |
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IdahoRose
Imaginary Friend
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Joined: Feb 25, 2007
Age: 22
Posts: 18651
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| Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 4:06 am Post subject: |
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| I'm highly sensitive to disapproval towards my special interests. One negative comment about a special interest, even from a complete stranger, is enough to make me question whether I should even be into it at all. I have to continually be reassured that it's ok to like the things I like and that it shouldn't matter what other people's opinions on them are. But it does matter because I'm very insecure and I want to be accepted by everyone, even though that's unrealistic and irrelevant to someone like me who doesn't even go to work or school, and so is free from peer pressure. |
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idlewild
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 22, 2011
Posts: 176
Location: WI, USA
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| Posted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 10:03 am Post subject: |
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| IdahoRose wrote: | | I'm highly sensitive to disapproval towards my special interests. One negative comment about a special interest, even from a complete stranger, is enough to make me question whether I should even be into it at all. I have to continually be reassured that it's ok to like the things I like and that it shouldn't matter what other people's opinions on them are. But it does matter because I'm very insecure and I want to be accepted by everyone, even though that's unrealistic and irrelevant to someone like me who doesn't even go to work or school, and so is free from peer pressure. |
I don't question my interest, but I do tend to completely dismiss the person showing disapproval. I know it's not logical to completely write someone off for one comment, but they just no longer register as a person of interest in my mind. They become just another member of the herd I must endure.
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