Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8258
Location: Great Britain
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 Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:28 pm Post subject: Can introverts become more assertive as they get older? |
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I think this can apply to Aspies or NTs, because I've read on WP that some Aspies are assertive and speak their mind, and I've been on other general NT forums where some find assertiveness hard - although assertiveness can be more of an obstacle for a lot of Aspies. Well, it is for me anyway. I believe that assertiveness is my main social issue, the part of social interaction that I find most difficult.
But I was speaking to a good friend the other day, and she is a lot older than me, but is very introverted, and she said that when she was my age she always stayed quiet and just let people walk all over her and appeared as a ''mug'' to other people, and people just took advantage of her all the time because she found it hard not to let them. But now she is in her mid-40s, she said she's learnt how to say ''no'' and be more firm and stand up for herself more, and she's got good at putting her foot down, and she also doesn't care whether it backfires or not. Her new attitude is ''I'm passed caring about what other people will think, I'm fed up with letting people treat me like a bit of dirt'', whereas, like me, her attitude used to be ''I'm afraid to stand up for myself in case I say the wrong thing and it might backfire or I might end up hurting someone's feelings, and being assertive might risk in me getting bullied or having to put up with hostility at work'' when she was in her early 20s, like me.
Has anyone else here changed as you got older from when you was in your teens and 20s? Have you got thick-skinned, and more able to put your foot down? Will I ever change? Or does having enough bad experiences with people gradually change the way you react to other people's behaviour?
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CrazyCatLord
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Joined: Oct 25, 2011
Posts: 2177
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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Some can, some can't. I couldn't. I've only become more introverted, more anxious and less social over the years. More autistic, if you so will.
Last edited by CrazyCatLord on Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:41 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Mdyar
emuegg
Joined: May 29, 2009
Posts: 2514
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:40 pm Post subject: |
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I've had complaints about the lack of it. I'm non aggressive and I had to take control or be controlled. That's society for you, and you have squat and claim your ground. In fact, people won't respect you if they see you are holding back.
I was considered shy and to me shyness is anxiety. It shouldn't linger into adulthood. This form of it is a dysfunction. It think the best way is to boldly step out there and make mistakes. You learn and make progress. You adapt.
I had complaints about assertiveness till mid 30's.
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:48 pm Post subject: |
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When I was younger, up until my teens, when I was away from home or with others than my family at home, I was so very quiet and shy. People could take advantage of me, I was terrified of everyone, terrified of disapproval or of being noticed. I was the easiest mark you could ever find for something.
I started learning from friends, slowly, how to stand up for myself. Now I'm very assertive, and when I need to be I'm agressive. I went from being a shy, quiet girl who wouldn't say "sh**" if she had a mouthful to a lady nobody wants to mess with and who has brass balls the size of grapefruits (metaphoricaly speaking on that last one of course  ) I didn't set out to do that, I only wanted to stop being treated quite so badly but once I started it I couldn't stop until I was able to feel, or fake, confidence in every situation.
You can do it. I have faith that you can, if you want to and try. There is no one set way to go about it, but if you want me to, and are interested in trying some things I did back then that helped me, let me know and I'll write some of them down and post them. I'm very very tired today though and didn't sleep well at all last night, so it will have to be sometimes tomorrow afternoon or evening (my time, CDT) before I can start it, but I'll be glad to. I may forget to check this thread back, so if it's something you are interested in, please send me a PM and let me know, that way I can keep it right there in my inbox and I'll see it and remember it.
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Frances
I can be a little much sometimes. |
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cathylynn
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Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2041
Location: northeastern US
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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| with experience, i learned when and how to stick up for myself. i still tend to be quiet, but if it's important to me, i will let you know about it, nicely, of course. |
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lostgirl1986
There's a party in my head.
Joined: Feb 29, 2012
Age: 26
Posts: 6284
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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I've become a lot more assertive from when I was younger. When I was in elementary school I was shy to the extremes and I let people walk all over me and tease me and I didn't do anything about it. Even high school I was basically like that. When I started going to college I made more friends and went out more, I had a boyfriend and I got a lot more assertive. Then came my job, a preschool teacher. I had to become more assertive because I couldn't let the children walk all over me. I had a lot of problems with that when I first started teaching. I moved to a different province, moved back and I've changed a lot from that little girl I used to be. I'm still really shy but I don't let people walk all over me anymore. I'm actually more assertive than a lot of my friends now.
Last edited by lostgirl1986 on Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:01 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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TB
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 531
Location: netherlands
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Become assertive or watch everything you want pass you by and regret it for the rest of your life. |
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Blackholesun
Blue Jay
Joined: Mar 20, 2012
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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You may have to yes.
Although in my case it's made me worse if anything, because now I tend to be a bit clumsy and forceful. |
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Kon
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Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Posts: 728
Location: Toronto, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm less assertive because I'm more aware about other people's thoughts than when I was younger and I don't want to risk upseting them. Or I try to avoid them which makes it easier. |
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Surfman
beyond human
Joined: Aug 02, 2010
Age: 50
Posts: 3938
Location: Homeward bound
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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Moving from the prince, princess, maid, joker, archetypes........ and entering
The Queen the crone
The King the old fart ........archetypes.......
as one ages, means that you are older and wiser (supposedly anyhoows) and more assertive |
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SammichEater
Now 30% Cooler
Joined: Mar 07, 2011
Age: 19
Posts: 3823
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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extroversion =/= assertiveness
I'm extremely introverted, but I can be assertive when I need to be. If I have something to say, I WILL say it. |
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Jtuk
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2012
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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| SammichEater wrote: | extroversion =/= assertiveness
I'm extremely introverted, but I can be assertive when I need to be. If I have something to say, I WILL say it. |
Agree, introversion has nothing to do with assertiveness.
Jason |
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VIDEODROME
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Joined: Nov 21, 2008
Age: 36
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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| I became more assertive and vocal and I think it contributed to me getting fired. |
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Jtuk
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 22, 2012
Posts: 732
Location: Wales, UK
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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| VIDEODROME wrote: | | I became more assertive and vocal and I think it contributed to me getting fired. |
Are you sure you are not confusing assertiveness with aggressiveness?
Jason |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 4:30 pm Post subject: Introversion and assertiveness. |
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| I am an introvert, but can be assertive when necessary. However, I am better able to do it now than when I was younger, so I think the life experience we acquire with age does help us deal better with the rest of the world. I am still not social, but will talk with people when I choose to do so. |
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