mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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 Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| Jono wrote: | | ValentineWiggin wrote: | It took three whole pages to degenerate into outright misogyny and self-entitlement.
Good job, L & D- we're improving!  |
Where? Besides Dan's use of the c-word in his last post, I haven't seen much of that in this thread. Maybe I missed something. |
Please reread the whole thing, if you dare. It's entitled horsesh** from the get-go. People should be respectful toward each other, but the premise in the OP is just laughable (and bullying, by the way). I would have blocked him so quickly his head would have spun. There are too many overly-intense, poorly-mannered people on online dating sites (same as in life, sadly, but without the "out in public" veneer). I had a host of issues with them when I was online dating. And I was always, always polite, sending a "no, thank you" personally, not even the canned responses that the site has at the ready. But RARELY would a man let it go after that. Some were downright nasty, others would just take that time to write back and vent all their frustrations with the dating process, even though I did not deserve that. Yup, <Blocked>. Life's too f***ing short. |
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MXH
TomCat
Joined: Jul 29, 2010
Age: 22
Posts: 12494
Location: Here i stand and face the rain
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:54 am Post subject: |
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| So asking for some common courtesy is self entitled horseshit. Got it. Im rather glad to hear though that you are one of the few that does reply back with a no. I fail to see what the big deal is, say no and block the guy. no big deal. Nothing to go crazy about. It just makes you look like a decent person and gives the other person the frame to move to the next one. Its not like were asking you to buy us dinner or anything, simply some common courtesy which women come to expect in men. |
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Yuzu
Deinonychus
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Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Age: 42
Posts: 374
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:57 am Post subject: |
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I'd rather get no reply than "thanks but no thanks." I don't need to be explicitly rejected.
So I'm treating others just as I want to be treated when I don't reply to messages from someone I'm not interested.
Besides, I've written messages to guys and gotten no replies, so it's not just women. |
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The_Face_of_Boo
A savage
Joined: Jun 17, 2010
Age: 31
Posts: 9356
Location: Beirut ,Lebanon
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:59 am Post subject: |
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Based on the ladies's responses here, I would say 'Chronos' as reply in the "Which WP member would you date' thread.
and you folks are talking about a totally different scenario - which is the initial messages thing. Read my OP again. |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:01 am Post subject: |
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| MXH wrote: | | So asking for some common courtesy is self entitled horseshit. Got it. Im rather glad to hear though that you are one of the few that does reply back with a no. I fail to see what the big deal is, say no and block the guy. no big deal. Nothing to go crazy about. It just makes you look like a decent person and gives the other person the frame to move to the next one. Its not like were asking you to buy us dinner or anything, simply some common courtesy which women come to expect in men. |
I think you've misunderstood (or perhaps I wasn't clear). What's entitled is DEMANDING a response. Nobody ever DESERVES a response, ever. It's courtesy which makes each of us extend a response. That's all. Sorry if I was unclear.
And I was also trying to explain that after a while, you just learn to block the dangerous ones. For the ones who did not respond after my 'thanks, but no thanks', I of course did not block them. That's a normal, courteous human being (him, and me) exchange. |
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MXH
TomCat
Joined: Jul 29, 2010
Age: 22
Posts: 12494
Location: Here i stand and face the rain
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:06 am Post subject: |
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| mv wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | So asking for some common courtesy is self entitled horseshit. Got it. Im rather glad to hear though that you are one of the few that does reply back with a no. I fail to see what the big deal is, say no and block the guy. no big deal. Nothing to go crazy about. It just makes you look like a decent person and gives the other person the frame to move to the next one. Its not like were asking you to buy us dinner or anything, simply some common courtesy which women come to expect in men. |
I think you've misunderstood (or perhaps I wasn't clear). What's entitled is DEMANDING a response. Nobody ever DESERVES a response, ever. It's courtesy which makes each of us extend a response. That's all. Sorry if I was unclear.
And I was also trying to explain that after a while, you just learn to block the dangerous ones. For the ones who did not respond after my 'thanks, but no thanks', I of course did not block them. That's a normal, courteous human being (him, and me) exchange. |
I do agree that the type of person that would demand a reply is likely the type that will be semi dangerous and end up blocked anyways.
I'd love to see what would happen if gender roles were magically reversed one day. Would the women speaking out for women end up being like the lonely guys and vice versa? |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:10 am Post subject: |
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Well, for what it's worth, I also wrote a lot of guys and got canned responses and polite "thanks, but no thanks" responses most of the time. I also got ignored and even "rewinked" at by men who had rejected me before. Just shows that they line up pictures and indiscriminately wink at anyone remotely in their "looks" scale, which is so dehumanizing (as the girl, I mean) and demoralizing (to anyone online dating).
I eventually gave up on online dating not because I got involved with someone but because I worked it and worked it and worked it and ended up with no one I could connect with (and I really tried! I did!). But I did not get bitter or evil or antisocial or anything. I just realized that it's not a medium that would work for me. It's nobody's fault, really, but if it had to be anyone's, it's mine.
P.S. I'm still friends with two guys I met through online dating. They're fantastic human beings who I just happen to have no romantic feelings for (and they have none for me). |
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Jono
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 11, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 2920
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:13 am Post subject: |
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| mv wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | So asking for some common courtesy is self entitled horseshit. Got it. Im rather glad to hear though that you are one of the few that does reply back with a no. I fail to see what the big deal is, say no and block the guy. no big deal. Nothing to go crazy about. It just makes you look like a decent person and gives the other person the frame to move to the next one. Its not like were asking you to buy us dinner or anything, simply some common courtesy which women come to expect in men. |
I think you've misunderstood (or perhaps I wasn't clear). What's entitled is DEMANDING a response. Nobody ever DESERVES a response, ever. It's courtesy which makes each of us extend a response. That's all. Sorry if I was unclear.
And I was also trying to explain that after a while, you just learn to block the dangerous ones. For the ones who did not respond after my 'thanks, but no thanks', I of course did not block them. That's a normal, courteous human being (him, and me) exchange. |
You are talking about initial responses though. I think Boo was talking about people who you've already been chatting to for a while and then stop responding, for some or other reason. Yes, it's perfectly fine to ignore an initial message if you are not interested and you also have a right to block them if they start getting nasty if reject them. No-ones denying that.
That being said, if someone suddenly stops replying replying to my messages without apparent reason, I usually send a another polite one after about a week. I don't demand anything. |
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Jono
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 11, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 2920
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:19 am Post subject: |
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| mv wrote: | | Well, for what it's worth, I also wrote a lot of guys and got canned responses and polite "thanks, but no thanks" responses most of the time. I also got ignored and even "rewinked" at by men who had rejected me before. Just shows that they line up pictures and indiscriminately wink at anyone remotely in their "looks" scale, which is so dehumanizing (as the girl, I mean) and demoralizing (to anyone online dating). |
Not necessarily. A lot of men do that because they have not been successful with other women on the site. So they message people who they may have rejected before because they know they were interested in them before. |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:25 am Post subject: |
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| Jono wrote: | | mv wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | So asking for some common courtesy is self entitled horseshit. Got it. Im rather glad to hear though that you are one of the few that does reply back with a no. I fail to see what the big deal is, say no and block the guy. no big deal. Nothing to go crazy about. It just makes you look like a decent person and gives the other person the frame to move to the next one. Its not like were asking you to buy us dinner or anything, simply some common courtesy which women come to expect in men. |
I think you've misunderstood (or perhaps I wasn't clear). What's entitled is DEMANDING a response. Nobody ever DESERVES a response, ever. It's courtesy which makes each of us extend a response. That's all. Sorry if I was unclear.
And I was also trying to explain that after a while, you just learn to block the dangerous ones. For the ones who did not respond after my 'thanks, but no thanks', I of course did not block them. That's a normal, courteous human being (him, and me) exchange. |
You are talking about initial responses though. I think Boo was talking about people who you've already been chatting to for a while and then stop responding, for some or other reason. Yes, it's perfectly fine to ignore an initial message if you are not interested and you also have a right to block them if they start getting nasty if reject them. No-ones denying that.
That being said, if someone suddenly stops replying replying to my messages without apparent reason, I usually send a another polite one after about a week. I don't demand anything. |
Jono, I've been lurk-following your dating for a while, I absolutely believe you're one of the polite, well-meant daters where you are. I would absolutely treat as benign a follow-up e-mail from you. Please don't think I mean you (or anyone in this thread, if you behave well online).
I have had friends who ignore my e-mails from time to time. Sending more e-mails is not the way to get their attention. We're all busy (well, among my friends, most are very busy, too busy with careers, their home, their families, their children, their churches, etc.). I think what I said applies no matter what. No one DESERVES a response, ever. It is courteous to extend one. I myself have at times written something like this: "Hey, {X}, thanks so much for your e-mail. I'm swamped right now, but I'll get back to you when I can." If someone is too intense in their pursuit, though, or expects too much out of our friendship, then when I do get back to them by e-mail I will be less engaging, less friendly. It's a way to erect boundaries when someone else has crossed them too much. Does that make sense? It could be that this woman Boo's been corresponding with had just had enough of his friendship at that moment. I have no way of knowing, we only have his side of the story, but I've certainly been in both sides of that situation before. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:29 am Post subject: |
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| The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | Sweetleaf wrote: | | The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | ^I edited my previous post |
I see that, I feel my point still applies...but I am only trying to point out possible variables not that everything I say necessarily applies to you or your situations. |
Yes, you have a point, but why one would be online and available if she doesn't feel to talk?
When this woman (the one i know in real life and later started initiating convos with me) that she's feeling bad and doesn't walk to talk to anyone, I told her "then why are you online and green on msn? MSN messenger is invented for talking".
She burst bit in anger saying things like "you're not funny ! I just want to be online!...etc etc".
I kept corning her - now she's one who's wanting to talk me, even asking me to tell her about my feelings and troubles in life. Even flirting me! Ha! |
Well uhh if I am online and something comes up, I'm probably going to be more focused on that than making sure to set my status to away or whatever. If someone started giving me crap for my thing not saying away or whatever, I'd get pissed at them to for thinking my first priority should be making sure my status is always correct.
Also its kind of manipulative to try and corner someone into talking...but maybe you don't mean it the way it sounds?
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Mindslave
Jackass of all trades
Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1822
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:30 am Post subject: |
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What Boo described is simply being assertive. Often women will ignore men if they feel that he just wants validation. Since Boo was assertive, that changed things. "Oh, perhaps I misjudged him" Don't be afraid to be honest. Honesty works better than lying does. Lying works better in a broader sense, but honesty is much more impressive and takes you much farther.
For example, I asked my friends sister for her number after I saw her naked by accident, and she gave it to me. We talked a few times a week. She was probably impressed by the fact that I was honest (implicitly) about wanting her number because she looks good sans clothes. Another time I told a girl that she seemed interesting, but I conceded that being pretty makes her a little more interesting (wink) and that I would like to get coffee with her sometime. She asked where, and I said that I don't know because I don't drink coffee. I then said that I like hot chocolate and we should go to Starbucks. She said OK, but skipped out a day later. But I was honest about why I was talking to her, and so it worked. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:33 am Post subject: |
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Another thing I don't respond to messeges that say things like 'hey, sexy.' I usually just delete those....should I be obligated to respond to them or am I in the right in just deleting it.
I mean thing is I don't want some dude who's just about sex, and now that I've come to the conclusion I don't even like sex I probably don't want a guy interested in it period. I suppose I ought to update my profile and make that very clear......but yeah I only respond if someone has something intresting to say and I like what I see on their profile.
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:37 am Post subject: |
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| Mindslave wrote: | What Boo described is simply being assertive. Often women will ignore men if they feel that he just wants validation. Since Boo was assertive, that changed things. "Oh, perhaps I misjudged him" Don't be afraid to be honest. Honesty works better than lying does. Lying works better in a broader sense, but honesty is much more impressive and takes you much farther.
For example, I asked my friends sister for her number after I saw her naked by accident, and she gave it to me. We talked a few times a week. She was probably impressed by the fact that I was honest (implicitly) about wanting her number because she looks good sans clothes. Another time I told a girl that she seemed interesting, but I conceded that being pretty makes her a little more interesting (wink) and that I would like to get coffee with her sometime. She asked where, and I said that I don't know because I don't drink coffee. I then said that I like hot chocolate and we should go to Starbucks. She said OK, but skipped out a day later. But I was honest about why I was talking to her, and so it worked. |
Well, there's assertive, and then there's creepy. These (bolded) are just plain creepy to me. Just my opinion, but I do think it's important not to lump all women under one roof as all behaving the same. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:39 am Post subject: |
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| Mindslave wrote: | What Boo described is simply being assertive. Often women will ignore men if they feel that he just wants validation. Since Boo was assertive, that changed things. "Oh, perhaps I misjudged him" Don't be afraid to be honest. Honesty works better than lying does. Lying works better in a broader sense, but honesty is much more impressive and takes you much farther.
For example, I asked my friends sister for her number after I saw her naked by accident, and she gave it to me. We talked a few times a week. She was probably impressed by the fact that I was honest (implicitly) about wanting her number because she looks good sans clothes. Another time I told a girl that she seemed interesting, but I conceded that being pretty makes her a little more interesting (wink) and that I would like to get coffee with her sometime. She asked where, and I said that I don't know because I don't drink coffee. I then said that I like hot chocolate and we should go to Starbucks. She said OK, but skipped out a day later. But I was honest about why I was talking to her, and so it worked. |
I don't think it is ever good to lie to a female about your intentions at all.....it really feels bad for the female when they realize you where just trying to get in their pants after all by saying things they wanted to hear or whatever.
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