heathergracie
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 11, 2012
Age: 32
Posts: 31
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 Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:33 pm Post subject: I don't know how to handle shut downs. |
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First, I want to apologize for posting a lot of threads. I am not trying to gunk up the works, but it feels like things are dovetailing into something new.
My (very new--one month) boyfriend had a shutdown (don't even know if I am using the terminology right) on Thursday night. Without going into excessive detail, he got stressed, and without realizing what I was doing, I kept pushing him. From my perspective, I was asking questions seeking to understand. From his perspective, I was pushing him past the point of overwhelmed.
At the very. very end of the conversation, he said, "Just so you know, I often forget things when I get stressed, and I'm really stressed, so I might not remember this conversation tomorrow."
And just as predicted, the next morning, he texted me and said "I know we had a fight or argument last night, but I don't remember what it was about, so it must have been intense."
We took a couple days of quiet, and when we revisited it, I expressed my concern that I would end up carrying all the stress for both of us, if he will forget things every time he gets overwhelmed. The only thing he could tell me is that shutdowns don't happen often ("Thursday was not my normal"), he would trust what I told him about what he forgot, and we could continue to talk about it as much as we needed.
My fear is this: The stresses he is under are valid and real, but they are normal, everyday stresses. If we go through life together, tragedy will hit at some point, and overwhelm us both, at least for a time. If we have kids (we both would like to), raising children is a totally different stress.
I realize what I'm asking about is all in the future and can't be predicted. The boyfriend and I connected very strongly right away, He is very loving and a wonderful boyfriend, apart from my practical fears. I am hesitant to abandon that. But I would love to hear maybe from some married folks about some real strategies or insight. I understand I will just have to wait and see on a lot of this, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of just forging ahead and hoping shutdowns don't keep happening....
If anyone has any advice other than "Wait and see", I'd love to hear it. |
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myth
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 27
Posts: 707
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:19 am Post subject: |
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I apologise for all the "wait and see" advice I've been giving you. Just seems like you two may be putting the cart before the horse a bit. Your previous threads have mostly been "Will -blank- happen to us?" and that's why I feel like there isn't really a true answer to be given there. But, here's my take on this particular subject since it is a specific instance of a problem:
It may not be his "normal" but you can pretty much count on the probability of it happening again at some point. It is a relatively common thing for aspies to do. Not all of them forget the entire conversation but a mental/emotional shut down when stressed is pratically part of the diagnosis.
I can completely understand why that would bother you. Forgetting everything extremely stressful would be a nice coping mechanism but unfortunately you don't have that option so you will keep carrying it around while he is unburdened from it. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I were presented with that situation.
Perhaps you may be able to try to address the situation again, calmly, and get the closure you need at a time where he is more mentally stable. Maybe you can work this to your advantage. For example, many people say things they don't really mean while they are upset. Him forgetting gives you a clean slate and time to more carefully plan your words so that you can address your points more clearly and calmly the next time. Once you get to know him better you may be able to step away from the conversation BEFORE he shuts down and forgets and, after sufficient time, readdress it and complete it.
Those are really the only things I can think of to say at this point.
Dating/marrying an aspie is challenging, that's for sure. Probably more challenging than a "normal" relationship which are already hard enough. Imo, I think you should spend some time thinking about your desires for a relationship and come up with some non-negotiables. "I need --- in order to be happy." This advice is from my experience where I have never really had clear standards for a mate and only descover them when he doesn't live up to what I expected. I was married once before my present aspie marriage. Like I mentioned on your other thread, you need to have the things that you need as well but at the same time you need to be sensitive to his needs and limitations. But part of this discovery process needs to be an honest evaluation of how those two sets of needs overlap and whether they are compatible. Aspies are also known for being unable (or at least difficult to) to see someone else's point of view or "stubborn" and it may take quite a bit of flexibility on your part and you may feel that you are doing all of the compromising. Depending on what his particular issues are. I try my best to make up for the areas where my husband just can't do what a "normal" person would be expected to and this does not bother me at all because I understand and accept his limitations. I can't tell you that this is what you should do but you have to find that out for yourself.
Myself, I feel like I am somewhere between Aspie and NT. I know that I am not an NT but I am not significantly impaired as required by the diagnosis. I have learned social skills and been able to grow into a highly funtioning person although I was impaired as a child and may have been able to be diagnosed then, who knows. Basically, my point is that I feel like I can understand many of the challenges faced by Autistics and yet be high functioning enough to be able to handle the things my husband can't.
I feel like I am rambling at this point, does anything up there help you at all?
_________________
Non-NT something. Married to a diagnosed aspie.
Nothing is absolute. |
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heathergracie
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 11, 2012
Age: 32
Posts: 31
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Myth, I want to apologize for taking so long to reply. Life has this funny habit of getting in the way...
The bf and I are still going strong, and I feel like both of us are looking at things from a new, more open angle. One thing I found especially interesting is that a couple days ago he brought up the idea of a "needs list" on his own... just like you were saying, a list of things you need from a relationship or from your partner.
I also finally came to understand that the "wait and see" advice was coming from a necessary place. I can't ask my boyfriend to predict the future, and chances are I WOULDN'T ask an NT to do so (at least not explicitly). My thinking originally came from a place of, "Well, you have a diagnosis, so let's use that diagnosis to predict how your life will likely go," which I see now is a fearful and unfair approach.
The status now is that he is amazing, we are taking things one day at a time, and we are both feeling very blessed. Can't ask for much more than that.
Thanks again for your response! |
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myth
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 27
Posts: 707
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| Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 7:09 am Post subject: |
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No worries, I undersdnad. I'm glad you two are doing well. I find it very helpful to have things laid out in spreadsheets or lists and tend to organize my life that way so I am not surprised it is something your boyfriend might enjoy too  Glad I could help maybe a little bit. Feel free to come here with more questions any time, many of us like to try to help out others any way we can.
_________________
Non-NT something. Married to a diagnosed aspie.
Nothing is absolute. |
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