Hello there

DefinitelyKmart · Snowy Owl Joined: Apr 05, 2012 Posts: 128

Basically I'm 21, and recently events came to a head where my life is starting to become shapeless, i was reading a book called the big short, (its about finance) one of the hedge fund managers in the book, realised he had all the characteristics of aspergers (i really hate the term aspie, i don't find it cute just demeaning) and bingo, well a while later i reflected on the same things myself, i found an unsurprising realisation. Well from a very young age, i was diagnosed with dyspraxia, i was told to write with a thumb grip act because my writing looked quote "like an epileptic spider had dipped itself in ink and crawled across the page" yay for teachers, however i was always acutely self aware of not fitting in with the other children, i was offered numerous times to be helped by a learning mentor or have a laptop in class, but i refused saying "thats for special kids, not for me" i really hated being different, i also hated others for it, because i felt i should feel toward them as i felt others would feel toward me in a similar position, at the tender age of seven i had a period of crying for days, with what i would later come to realise as depression, (note I'm not sure i was depressed, or i am, I'm in a very weird place right now, not quite sure of much).
anyway fast forward to high school, i was always wanting to be not different, my maths literacy skills, science was all pretty much awesome, we did something called the CAT's I'm informed i scored highly, Anyway from then on i started to notice something different about myself, depression plagued me most of the time through school, i found it impossible to talk to girls, although when i did i was awkward and weird, beyond what id recognise as being young and dumb, i never got into any crazes as i felt i would be lying to myself, i don't like to do crazes or listen to music because i feel that people are lying to themselves and that if i were to the same people would see right through me, also one of the reasons i don't get along with girls, is when someone is attempting to woo a member of the opposite sex, they lie ect, come across sooo cheesy, its like i can see straight through them, but then I'm amazed when i look around the table and no one else see's it. things came to ahead one ski trip where they said i was a weirdo t ect(basically i asked too many stupid questions about stupid things lol) , act, but i was universally liked at school, or so i believed at the time looking back I'm very unsure i was at all, i feel i licked so many boots to fit in or played a fool was perhaps the butt of the joke on a few too many occasions in proportion, i doubt i had many, true friends i have a few good ones left, i mainly neglected in order to fit in with others. Retrospectively i feel that i perhaps had none or very few lol, i was so busy trying to fit in i ended up with friends who were unfulfilling or just plain sh!t, if i saw myself from a 3rd person pov id kick myself. I spent forever on online text based games ( i had great spec comps too what a waste) like literally devoted my life to them, obsessively oh and halo 3, but this was detrimental to my school studys, which i let go and ignored completely.
As i got older, i learned from a tv show called skins, that basically to fit in you drink and party, wrong, i fell into a trap of drinking myself into oblivion to feel good, then because of the sheer pain of the regrets ( i regret damaging my pride, not others feelings) it came to a head when i drank too much and got flirty(flirty is a polite term for being a complete idiot) on Facebook, which i found easier to do than dare talk to a real person, funny thing i always enjoyed Facebook to talk to people over real life, anyway i annoyed someones bf and they were threatening to kill me, a period of stupid threats from both parties (he came looking for me in his car, so i said id burn his house down, all while drunk), this point i realised my drinking had overtook my life id like to blame the bad things on prozac(made me act really out of character, like jekyll sort of) , i continued to drink to avoid the pain of being me, i did some really stupid sh**, said some awful things, that I'm sure i thought witty at the time. i was drinking my life became a cycle of drink to forget the night before, i couldn't live with the anxiety, really any longer, i did some really stupid things
I also abandoned all my decent "friends" and got in with a group of people i didn't like at all , in order to fit in, with the fast party lifestyle, anyway i ended up in rehab (kinda rehab, was full of legitimate junkies ect, but i didn't feel hardcore enough to be one of em), all of my supposed friends took the mickey out of me and played pranks, shaving my hair off, they really weren't friends at all, the worse part is i never liked them, it was like that blur song charmless man, anyway so i ditched them and I'm now turning it all around , thats my background i could go into much more detail but i don't wish to bore you, i was also seeing a psychiatrist occasionally, one of whom said "i see a little bit of depression and some aspergers", i was totally knocked back, then whilst i was into the rehab thing (forced by my mum, really quite grateful i needed to escape society for a week) one of the nurses said can i speak to you, then said she thought i might have aspergers out of the blue. so basically when i totted up my life, i came to a few alarming conclusions

I find it very difficult to make friends, i often home in on peoples bad points, i feel i may have an ideal of whom is perfect, no one meets my lofty ideals.
I like to think i can make friends though, I'm quick in conversation, i make jokes (sometimes over complicated, people don't always get irony, sarcasm ect), but i don't like people, i much more comfortable with the medium of distance friendships, Facebook is great for that, although i deleted mine to erase the past of drunken stupidity, all those daft messages to people.
i find people difficult to live with, i get very angry very quickly over small things, i hate the stupidity of people going mad over small things like towels on the floor.
i find relationships with other people hard to enjoy, i feel like I'm playing a part rather than being a person.
i find it hard to sound genuine (drinking alleviated so much of this), tell a girl she's beautiful, i feel I'm lying.
I hold regrets for a long time and harbour negative feeling for so long, i can't move on from my mistakes i feel as though they haunt me, my anxiety is to the point where i sometimes daren't go out because people might hold grudges (from the aforementioned thing, although we've bumped into one another with nothing being said) i sit in a negative pool of this, while others move on seamlessly, sometimes shamelessly.
I become obsessed with thoughts and fascinations, my young bout of depression was trying to find where the universe ends, it then became football, then video games, then drinking, then finance.
Im currently obsessed with finance, although having ruined my school career i find that i may have to start again troubling, if i go to uni then people will be like hey this guys ancient, (I'm 21, but id have done the same as an 18 y/o)
i was watching fight club, a film i love for so many different reasons, the car scene where he says if you died right now what do you wish you had done differently, the 2 in the back said they wished they had built a house, or drawn a self portrait, this got to me as i feel nothing in my life is fulfilled i then searched for what would fulfil me and i am drawing blanks, i enjoy very little or nothing, i thought i enjoyed drinking, i didn't just the numb abandon being passed out brings.
I enjoy debating, but i don't often feel that i engage with the other person.
I'm quite well off, but like i feel i want to achieve status for status sake? if anyone can relate.
I'm spending a lot of time at home and well have been since 18, my parents want me to go out and do things, but you know I'm kinda happy in here as i am, i spend all my time reading, really i love the pursuit of knowledge.
i don't like people touching me i find it awkward, i find certain situations awkward like for example dancing i can't dance at all.
Flirting, i cannot read flirting and misinterpret everything.
i used to get this feeling (when i was obsessed with partying) that everything good is happening without me
i find it hard to know where lines are, drawn, when what is appropriate, i feel an urge to push things
Once a girl asked me what i thought of her so i told the truth i am kinda worried how this affected her.

lol sorry for the worlds longest post i just wanted to say hi, get a lot of that stuff off my chest, which is something i would never be able to do without being relatively anonymous, i feel psychiatrists judge me, so don't want to post there, I'm also wanting to see if anyone can relate to any of these things, to see if they are in a similar galaxy to me lol.