Declension
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 21, 2012
Posts: 1654
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 Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 6:05 am Post subject: |
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I'm not pretending to have it all figured out. But there is a lesson that I am slowly learning.
The lesson is: don't judge your worth by comparing yourself to other people.
When I think about some of my more entie friends who are my age, I feel a sense of embarrassment and shame. I feel like I have screwed up my life while they have been normal, happy people. But whenever I catch them off guard, it always turns out that they have problems which I cannot even conceive of. Problems that have never been problems for me.
We all have our own set of obstacles, and our goal is to overcome OUR obstacles, not compare our position to other people. They're not even on the same track!
For me, if I ever end up having a stable, independent life with a family, I will have "won". That, to me, is the goal. Other people might have goals which seem loftier. They might want to become extremely rich. And maybe, once they have become extremely rich, they might look at me and think that I haven't been trying very hard to succeed. But they don't know whether I have been through more hardship than them. There is no real way to compare us. We're playing different games on the same field.
There also another aspect to this, which is the paradox that you can only really succeed once you feel a sense of self-worth which is independent of other people. This is especially true if you want to succeed by doing something which involves a lot of thinking, like I do. You do your best thinking when you feel like you don't need to prove yourself to other people. Thinking on demand doesn't work. |
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BuyerBeware
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Age: 35
Posts: 1038
Location: PA, USA
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 1:23 pm Post subject: |
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Well, AS sucks. There's no doubting that. AS sucks, and society makes it suck more than it has to, and those things are not within your control. You just have to live with them.
The best years of your life are NOT almost over. The years from 12 to 22 were the WORST years of my life.
Don't buy our culture's stupid youth-worshiping bullshit about adolescence being the best life has to offer. It ain't.
_________________
I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.
What's on TV tonight?? |
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Dessie
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 16, 2011
Age: 20
Posts: 177
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Dessie wrote: | To the OP:
I kind of agree with some of the things you've said and some of them I don't agree with.
I kind of know where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on my youth too and I'm only 18. All of the stuff my classmates did, I really never got to do, or I didn't want to do it, or they made me miserable if I tried. I mean, I was bullied by everybody from kindergarten up until my last day of my senior year of High School. And then last August I woke up on my 18th birthday and realized that I'm not a kid anymore, its time to be an adult, and I don't know how to do that. I can't get back all of the stuff I've missed out on, and thats sad, but my life is far from over. Your life isn't over either! You're only 21! You've got a lot of years left to try to make your life what you want it to be! I hope you find something you really love to do, no matter what it is.
Another thing: I think I have Aspergers. I don't think I'm disabled. Just because I'm socially retarded doesn't mean I have a disablity. I do hate that some things are more difficult for me than they are for others. I'm trying very hard not to hate the fact that I might have AS. It's difficult. I don't want to admit it even to myself, because I know there is no "magic pill" or instant "cure" thats gonna make everything better. I feel like going to any kind of doctor for this or even telling my parents what I think I have will make it somehow official, and I'll never be able to shake the label. Even joining this website was difficult. I actually spent like two days lurking and telling myself that I shouldn't post anything here because it would be like admitting I have a problem. After my introduction post, it because less painful and I'm glad I'm here because I've really connected with so much I've read and learned.
I really really hope that things get easier for you, and like I said before, I hope you find something you love to do, because everyone needs something.
PS...my memory is really bad too. I've had my current cell phone number for more than a year and I still can't remember it all without looking it up! I really don't think you're the only Aspie with a bad memory! 
Good luck! |
I was surprised to see a notification for this thread show up in my email inbox. I haven't posted on this site in a long time. And I posted that reply up there nearly a year ago when I first discovered the possibility that I could be autistic.
Geez, I was naive. I no longer agree with or believe half of what I said back then. Let's see if I can un-screw-up what I screwed up a year ago.
OP, you should be 22 and about 23 now. I sincerely hope you've found good things and happiness in your life. You deserve them; everyone deserves that.
Bad things happen. We encounter bullies. We run into rude people who don't understand autism spectrum disorders. But we still deserve the chance to be happy and love who we are, we deserve to live our lives, and you do have a chance to do that! You have a lot of time! And now you now have a community of people you can relate to, that you can connect with, that will understand you and what you've been through.
Being autistic in an allistic society is a disability. But who you are is not a tragedy.
And I also apologize for my use of the r-word, and I'm sorry if it offended anyone.  |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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I know how you feel. Asperger's makes me feel miserable too. If there was a possible way to get rid of it, I would do it as soon as possible. And I don't care if it makes me who I am. I don't like who I am. I don't like the way I am. I don't like being unconfident and odd. I want to be able to fit in, be part of a group, be automatically liked, have more natural social skills, not have people thinking I'm a bit odd. I know NTs can be odd but even NTs who are odd still seem to fit in and know what to say and so on.
It's worse for people like me because the oddities about me are invisible and so are difficult to pinpoint exactly what they are, yet they're there and people can see it, even though they are unable to pinpoint what is exactly odd about me too. So they just get more confused about me and just say, ''I think she's just a bit odd, in an unusual way.'' I don't like being like that! I get so angry at myself because I'm aware that I'm odd, yet there isn't anything I can do about it. I am good at covering up my AS and acting NT, and nobody suspects AS with me, but at the same time I can't cover it all up completely. There will always be some oddities that leak out without me stopping it, because it's just tied in with my personality so there's nothing I can do about it. I've done enough, I've made it so people won't suspect AS or anything like that, but they just go assuming I'm just a bit odd and really can't put their finger on why, unless I tell them straight. But then they probably wouldn't believe me, since my condition is very mild and so I don't exactly reach the stereotypes what most NTs look upon Autism as. They just assume I have some sort of mild mental retardation, or severe depression, or a borderline personality disorder. I haven't got severe depression, but people have actually asked me if I have before.
I just wish I was born NT. It's so common to be an NT, so why couldn't I just be one of them? Why am I just lumbered with this AS what I didn't even ask for? It's ruining my whole life. It causes issues when filling out application forms for jobs, when I wonder if writing it down in the disability box is the right thing to do or not, or not writing it in and telling the employer once I get the job will just cause me more problems or not. I haven't even had a job yet so I will never know. I just envy people who can write N/A in the disability box and move on, without worrying about telling them anything later if they do get the job, they can just get on with their given tasks without coming to difficulties what the boss will consider unusual. It's so unfair.
What made my brain this way? If my mum and dad had sex the next night, would I still have got this nasty thing? Would a different sperm have gone to the egg and made an NT fetus, like it should of done? I know I can't play the blame game, but I really do wish I was NT like the rest of my family. I'm not saying being NT is the golden ticket to happiness and I know that being NT is not just plain-sailing, I know. I just can't explain why I want to be NT so badly, even though they might have more problems than me, it still beats being an Aspie and feeling like I do.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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ictus75
Velociraptor
Joined: Sep 08, 2011
Posts: 431
Location: Just North of South
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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"My youth is gone and aspergers has basically ruined my life."
22 and you are saying stuff like that. Just be glad you found out about Aspergers at a young age. Now you know what you are dealing with and can work with it. I wish I had known I had Aspergers and what it was when I was 22, it would have saved me a lifetime of wondering why I was the way I am.
Your life is just beginning, so go do something with it…
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“No great art has ever been made without the artist having known danger” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke |
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Trainbuff
Sea Gull
Joined: Feb 13, 2011
Posts: 235
Location: New York City
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| Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2012 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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I agree, I hate having Aspergers with a passion.
I'm 20 and I feel the same way as OP, I'm wasting my prime years away thanks to this disability.
It just screws me up so much, Can't participate in nothing that requires socialization, I'm all screwed up.
Random Strangers call me retarded under their breath under their breath while I'm walking down the street and at work, man screw this world. |
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Ldub20Owl316
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 19, 2012
Posts: 55
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:57 am Post subject: |
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| I hate it sometimes to the point of wanting to kill myself, but sometimes it seems even Aspies have got better luck than I. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 8:05 am Post subject: |
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I hate having it so much. I hate it more than words can say, and that is not an idiom nor an exaggeration. It is true, I really mean it in the most literal way. I just hate it, and I want to spend the rest of my life screaming, ''WHY?????!!!!!'' But I'm not insane enough to do that. I can't deal with having it any more. I feel that my life doesn't matter. I can't enjoy the things around me. I can't enjoy holidays because the people I'm with always end up getting chatted up and fancied by people at the bar, which makes me feel like I'm so ugly and unconfident.
And, I know I've said this 100 times before, but LACK OF EMPATHY IS NOT AN AUTISTIC TRAIT!!! It is a human trait. I live in a very self-centered society. People judge you on the outside instead of thinking of what's in the inside (your feelings and your true self). Is that what you call empathy? And, like I said earlier, you're with your sister on a tour holiday and the coach driver fancies your sister and doesn't even give you any eye contact, just pays his whole attention on your sister and makes you feel invisible. I could never do that. If I was a coach driver and there were two brothers that were on my coach and I liked one of them, I would never ignore the other one. That'd be downright rude, if you ask me. How would the other brother feel, especially if he wasn't a confident person.
So the next person who says ''lack of empathy is an Autistic trait'' I feel like strangling them. If NTs didn't lack empathy, wouldn't Autistics be more accepted and understood?
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8241
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 3:40 pm Post subject: |
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I hate the f***ing disability. Can't get a job. Can't go out clubbing. Can't go out anywhere without judgemental c**** staring at me. Can't be part of a group of friends my age. Can't be normal. Can't have normal emotions and react to things normally. Can't enjoy holidays because the people I go with always get fancied by some twat who has the gift of the gab. Can't, can't, can't, can't, can't. That is all my life is.
I just want to be NT. Why couldn't I just be a NEUROTYPICAL like everybody else? I am not the person I wanted to be. I am not the daughter my mum wanted. I am not the sister my brother wanted. I am just a troubled, screwed up wreck who is so mental and insecure inside that I f**k up everybody else's lives aswell. I can't stop being jealous, I am constantly jealous of everyone and I just wish I could rule everyone's life in order for me to fit in and not feel left out any more, but I can't, people have to do what they want, and whatever people want always seems to be against me. And yes, for once in my life I am being selfish. I am fed up with always running around after other people all the time, having to impress them and do what they want and being careful not to hurt their feelings and disappoint them, before I can even get to think of my own feelings. For once I want people to live MY way, which means
NO FLIRTING ABOUT WITH THE f***ing TARTY SLUT BEHIND THE BAR
AND
NO FLIRTING ABOUT WITH THE f***ing LOFTY SHITHEAD BEHIND THE BAR
I hope David Cameron does me a favour and axes every bar in the country, then where will these poor dears go to meet their beloved little lovers?
I wish I could be dead. Maybe I will just jump in front of the train and it'd put me out of my misery. And I'm not doing this just for myself, I'm doing it for other people because nobody likes me, including me.
f**k Asperger's. What's life if you don't have high intelligence or descent social skills? You tell me.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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Gnonymouse
Snowy Owl
Joined: Aug 27, 2011
Age: 27
Posts: 145
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2012 5:59 pm Post subject: |
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I wish I were NT too. But I do not spend much time wishing because it is a surefire way to feel depressed. People who are paralyzed wish they could walk, people who are average wish they were beautiful. Everyone wishes for something, and those who wish too often will never do.
| Joe90 wrote: | | I hate the f***ing disability. Can't get a job. Can't go out clubbing. Can't go out anywhere without judgemental c**** staring at me. Can't be part of a group of friends my age. Can't be normal. Can't have normal emotions and react to things normally. Can't enjoy holidays because the people I go with always get fancied by some twat who has the gift of the gab. Can't, can't, can't, can't, can't. That is all my life is. |
Why go clubbing if it makes you unhappy? A lot of NT girls go to clubs and don't get hit on. A lot of NT guys go to clubs and get rejected. And they all leave feeling depressed and unworthy. The only people guaranteed to have a good time are those who go to drink, dance, and have fun.
| Joe90 wrote: | | f**k Asperger's. What's life if you don't have high intelligence or descent social skills? You tell me. |
Although Aspies often have an talent for spatial thinking and reasoning, it is not as simple as a gift handed to you. I excelled in areas only through thousands of hours of practice, because I was drawn to those areas rather than clubbing or having a large social circle. The gift/curse many of us share is the ability to intensely focus on a single thing such as art or science, because of a lack of ability/opportunity in other areas. If you want to be great, search for what you enjoy doing (chances are you already have encountered it) and pursue it.
| Joe90 wrote: | | I wish I could be dead. Maybe I will just jump in front of the train and it'd put me out of my misery. And I'm not doing this just for myself, I'm doing it for other people because nobody likes me, including me. |
I used to be depressed as well. It took some medication and figuring out what I enjoy doing to fight it. You can fight it too. And know your family will be devastated if you die, no matter how many conflicts you have with them. Take care. |
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Aspertastic424
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 04, 2012
Posts: 87
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 1:30 am Post subject: |
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Christ alive, gang I know its hard Really I do.
Theres good and bad in everything. Just do what you can, and forget about stuff in the past.
Really just read a book work on a project, gee whiz do something! |
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AspieOtaku
Leader of the Otaku Legion
Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 5893
Location: Mountain View, California, United States
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 2:50 am Post subject: |
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Sometimes I love having it sometimes I hate having it my opinions as days go by vary like a flip of the coin. Its like a blessing but a curse at the same time.
_________________
Your Aspie score is 193 of 200
Your neurotypical score is 40 of 200
You are very likely an aspie
No matter where I go I will always be a Gaijin even at home. Like Anime? http://www.anime44.com/anime-list |
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SanityTheorist
Wandering Artist
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Posts: 2096
Location: The Akuma Afterglow
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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I like the huge artistic talents I have but it'd be nice to enjoy conversations more...but I had gifts and higher intelligence and you didn't. Can still find something you can do to make the world a better place. Honestly, if you don't think you will ever be happy, suicide may be the right choice, but only if you're absolutely certain. A life in misery is pointless in my opinion.
_________________
My music at: http://www.youtube.com/user/SanityTheorist5/videos
Currently working on getting in a studio to record my solo album 40+ tracks written.
Chatroom nicks: MetalFluttershy/MetalTwilight/SanityTheorist |
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genedig65
Blue Jay
Joined: Dec 11, 2009
Posts: 92
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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AS does suck. I hate that I have it and I hate that my son has it. At first I tried to adapt to an NT world. Didn't work. As I got older I learned to make my own world and run it the way I like it. If you can't acccept me the way I am, well that's your loss. I'm not going to change to fit into socially accepted norms.
At 46 years old, a wife and two kids later, I don't need to be accepted by those who don't or won't take me warts and all. Did I mention I'm fat and bald too!
I have people that love me, I love them and I never stop learning. That's all that matters. |
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aspergerreallykills
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 15, 2012
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 1:42 am Post subject: |
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Hi i'm new here. I've got a brother who has heavy austism and i have been diagnosed with aspergers and if i had a choice on which autism spectrum i wanna be, i would prefer the former. Because at least my brother is still very unaware of his surroundings his disability standouts to the point that it's really pointless to even pick on him. But me having asperger kind of really kills because i'm only like intelligent in 1 or 2 things but so clumsy in many other simple stuff and the same applies to communication: good at talking about 2 subjects, horrible at talking about 12,000,000,000,000 other topics that i really don't get the f%^%$ why they even can cope being interested at talking many different things.
But that's not really the point i'm talking about. I'm saying that if i had a choice of asperger or heavy autism i choose heavy autism so at least i wouldn't have to put up knowing people think i'm weird and being socially retarded. |
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