TCR
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 11, 2012
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 2:03 pm Post subject: Isolated and overwhelmed in an abusive relationship |
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I need some kind of advice and/or support and I have no one to turn to for that, so I finally decided to join Wrong Planet.
I've been with my partner for eight years. From the beginning there were problems, but as he was the first man I'd known who didn't make me feel like vomiting, I assumed that it was meant to be. I kept hoping and praying that things would get better, and in many ways they did get better. But ever since my partner quit working over a year ago, things have been getting worse. He's emotionally and verbally abusive, and that has always been the case, but now about 80% of what he says to me is some kind of insult. In fact he's abusive in every way you can think of asides from physically, but now there's getting to be more of a physical element.
He's always done annoying things like flicking my skin with his finger (which hurts a lot), holding me down with his weight and pinning my arms back so he can tickle me and/or touch places that he knows I can't stand to have touched, or pulling on my earlobes until I cry out. He does the earlobe thing constantly and I've always hated it, whenever I say anything he gets pissed off and tells me I'm being a b***h. Whenever I call him on any of his behavior, he just blames my HFA diagnosis, calls me "crazy", and accuses me of being oversensitive, bitchy, impossible to please, etc. A few weeks ago he held me down and was tickling me, when I was struggling to get away, I banged my head on a desk, had a bump and a headache that only went away about a week ago. He blames me for that as well, because if I hadn't been struggling, it wouldn't have happened.
Last week I was lightly hitting his arm to get his attention (since he was ignoring me), in response he punched my arm so hard that I have a huge, multicoloured bruise there now. Of course, that's also my fault because I was hitting his arm first; but the fact that he's half a foot taller than I am, almost a hundred pounds heavier, and hit with full force whereas I did not, doesn't matter to him.
I don't know what to do. Every one thinks he's a really nice guy, because he acts nice to everyone else. He goes out of his way to help others, and then he comes home and takes everything out on me. I don't have a lot of friends, and the few I have don't even know how bad things are, because I'm too ashamed to tell them. I grew up in a very abusive home, and I can't believe how stupid I was in not recognizing the signs. I figured since he didn't beat me, that he wasn't like my dad. But now I see more than ever how much like my dad he is.
I just finished school and I don't have school funding to live off anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't have family to fall back on, and it's not like I have rich friends who have a spare room that me and my pets can live in. My partner's been paying for most things for the past four months from his ever dwindling savings, and he throws it in my face every chance he gets. He tells me my friends don't actually like me and they just come over for free food, he tells me I'm useless and I don't contribute, he purposefully makes huge messes after I've cleaned, just to show that he can since he's been paying the bills. He tells me I'll be a bad mother because I'm autistic, and that's why we can't have kids. The idea of being a mother is one of the few things that makes me happy, but he says I'm unfit to parent.
I don't know what to do. I want to not exist anymore, but I'm too afraid of hell to commit suicide. I have nowhere to turn, I can't work outside of home because I can't deal with people. I don't have family I can go to. I don't know what to do and I'm losing it more every day.
Does anyone have any advice at all. Going to a shelter isn't an option because they don't allow pets. |
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jat
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 30, 2008
Posts: 566
Location: Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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Even if you feel like you cannot go to a shelter, you should get in touch with a local women's group that works with abused women - most of them offer counseling, and even phone counseling would be a good start. You could start to sort things out for yourself. You say that your boyfriend says you wouldn't make a fit parent, and the thought of being a parent is one of the few things that makes you happy. But seriously, would you want him to be the father? Could you really see co-parenting with this man?
You have a lot of issues, and you seem to know that. But it's overwhelming you - it would overwhelm anyone. A qualified counselor should be able to help you "cut them down" into manageable sizes, so you can handle the pieces, one at a time. As you are seeing, things are not going to improve by themselves. He won't improve by himself. He won't change - at least not for the good. That means you have to make changes for yourself. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. Get the help you need to make a plan, and start your journey to a new, better life. You can do it! You will need help, and it is out there for you. Make the call.
Good luck! |
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diniesaur
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Posts: 639
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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I automatically hate your partner. He's horrible!
But, first of all, it's important that you know it's NOT your fault. Don't be ashamed to tell your friends! And you were NOT stupid to not recognize the signs. He's probably a sociopath, and sociopaths tend to be charismatic, which lets them beguile people into trusting them and becoming vulnerable.
My ex was a sociopath. He didn't abuse me physically until he tried to kill me, but that's more of assault than physical abuse. What happened with me doesn't seem as bad as what's happening to you, but it's still there, and it tells me enough to know that it's not your fault! I wish I could tell you more helpful things but I'm still young and don't know as much about the world. Here is what I know:
Maybe you can get to a place where you can talk to your friends and ask them to take your pets for a while while you go to a shelter and try to get on your feet. Do you have a job? Maybe you have coworkers who can help. I know it probably seems scary to talk to them if you don't know them very well, but coworkers can be surprisingly helpful and understanding in situations like this.
I also agree with the counseling suggestion. That will probably help give you more ideas. Also, maybe the counselor will be able to alert the authorities so they can be aware in case things get even worse.
Also, don't kill yourself! Your friends will be very upset, and your pets will have no one to take care of them! If your pets have no one, they will have to go to a shelter and they might get separated or sent to people who don't know how to take care of them especially if they're lizards or something, and it might even be a shelter that kills pets after they stay for two weeks or something. You can get out of this without killing yourself!
I HATE YOUR STUPID PARTNER I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM HE NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL AND ROT |
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TCR
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 11, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 3:39 pm Post subject: |
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| jat wrote: | Even if you feel like you cannot go to a shelter, you should get in touch with a local women's group that works with abused women - most of them offer counseling, and even phone counseling would be a good start. You could start to sort things out for yourself. You say that your boyfriend says you wouldn't make a fit parent, and the thought of being a parent is one of the few things that makes you happy. But seriously, would you want him to be the father? Could you really see co-parenting with this man?
You have a lot of issues, and you seem to know that. But it's overwhelming you - it would overwhelm anyone. A qualified counselor should be able to help you "cut them down" into manageable sizes, so you can handle the pieces, one at a time. As you are seeing, things are not going to improve by themselves. He won't improve by himself. He won't change - at least not for the good. That means you have to make changes for yourself. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. Get the help you need to make a plan, and start your journey to a new, better life. You can do it! You will need help, and it is out there for you. Make the call.
Good luck! |
Thank you for your response and suggestions. I know that I am in need of counselling, as that is the only other option when there is not an adequate friendship and/or kin network to fall back on. The problem is that my communication skills are the worst they've been in years. In many ways I'm actually devolving, and that scares the crap out of me. Speaking verbally hasn't been this difficult since I was a teenager. For the past few months, even writing has been exhausting and overwhelming. For that reason, I find myself even more isolated than usual. Even joining Wrong Planet, a community by and for people like me, seems like a huge endeavour. I don't know where to start with finding a free service that can actually help me, since most counsellors, therapists and shrinks are useless. They suggest things I've already tried, or they suggest things that aren't even applicable or possible.
I know my partner wouldn't help me with childcare since he doesn't help with anything else, but I also know that I only have a handful of child-bearing years left, and I have no interest in another romantic relationship were this one to end. So I kinda feel like it's my only option. If I'd left years ago when I was still young and attractive, then I would have had more options and a greater chance at finding someone with a better character and good genetic material to have a child with. But I'm not exactly pick of the litter anymore. To be honest that has a big impact on my ability to socialize and interact with others. Before people put up with me a lot more because I was pretty enough that it was okay. But I'm fat now, and I can't rely on my looks for the confidence necessary to start any kind of relationship. Sounds pretty vain and stupid, doesn't it? |
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TCR
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 11, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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| diniesaur wrote: | I automatically hate your partner. He's horrible!
But, first of all, it's important that you know it's NOT your fault. Don't be ashamed to tell your friends! And you were NOT stupid to not recognize the signs. He's probably a sociopath, and sociopaths tend to be charismatic, which lets them beguile people into trusting them and becoming vulnerable.
My ex was a sociopath. He didn't abuse me physically until he tried to kill me, but that's more of assault than physical abuse. What happened with me doesn't seem as bad as what's happening to you, but it's still there, and it tells me enough to know that it's not your fault! I wish I could tell you more helpful things but I'm still young and don't know as much about the world. Here is what I know:
Maybe you can get to a place where you can talk to your friends and ask them to take your pets for a while while you go to a shelter and try to get on your feet. Do you have a job? Maybe you have coworkers who can help. I know it probably seems scary to talk to them if you don't know them very well, but coworkers can be surprisingly helpful and understanding in situations like this.
I also agree with the counseling suggestion. That will probably help give you more ideas. Also, maybe the counselor will be able to alert the authorities so they can be aware in case things get even worse.
Also, don't kill yourself! Your friends will be very upset, and your pets will have no one to take care of them! If your pets have no one, they will have to go to a shelter and they might get separated or sent to people who don't know how to take care of them especially if they're lizards or something, and it might even be a shelter that kills pets after they stay for two weeks or something. You can get out of this without killing yourself!
I HATE YOUR STUPID PARTNER I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM HE NEEDS TO GO TO JAIL AND ROT |
Thank you for your response and support. I got a private message from another user suggesting the same thing about sociopathic personality disorder. My partner is extremely manipulative, lies easily and shows little to no remorse for his behavior, blames others and takes no accountability for anything. He can also be extremely cruel. However, I don't think he is a sociopath. I suspect that he has pdd-nos, specifically Pathological Demand Avoidance. I only found out about PDA a few months ago, and there's not much information online about it, but from what everything I've read, both he and one of his sister's (the one who is closest in age to him) fit the diagnostic criteria to a T.
He is certainly not neurotypical, judging from theory of mine deficits I've noticed in him; his obsessive focus on his own special interests, which is very similar to how I attend to my special interests; the fact that he gets my jokes and I get his jokes that are actually jokes (and not just insults framed as jokes); his sensitivity at times; his social anxiety. The main differences between him and I are that he is a skilled and frequent liar and manipulator (as is the rest of his family), whereas I am honest to a fault, hate dishonesty, and don't do mind games; he doesn't try to improve his character or make friends, whereas I work towards being a better person and have more need for others than him; and the fact that he has even more trouble relating to people on meaningful levels than I do. The only people he interacts with at all are me and his family.
From all my mental labour and research into trying to figure him out, what I've come to believe is that he's got PDA, and his abusive and dysfunctional upbringing formed him in a different way than I was formed by my abusive and dysfunctional family, due to differences in gender and culture. Since he's stopped working, he spends a lot of time with his family, sometimes he'll spend all day with them for six out of seven days. Other times he goes a couple weeks without even answering when they call. They're a horrible influence on him, and most of the progress we've made as a couple has crumbled under the weight of their interference over the past year. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone by saying this, but he's the youngest child in a stereotypically large and nosy Italian family, and he's a total mama's boy. His family has never accepted me because I'm not Italian, and they've been openly hostile since day one. He doesn't defend me at all when they attack me; his reasoning being that he "proved" I was more important to him when he moved out of his family home and in with me. On separate family occasions, two of his drunken uncles felt me up (both using a family photo as an excuse), and when I told my husband about it, both times his response was "That's disgusting, but they were drunk", as if that makes it excusable!
I know its his family that's brought out his worst tendencies, there's such a direct influence that I've noted dozens of times when he hasn't been communicating with them much, and our relationship has improved, only for him to spend one day with them, then insult me within an hour of coming home. He is the most successful out of them, and he's everyone's favorite, so they think he can do wrong. His mother in particular has been clear about how inferior I am to her perfect son, and she attacks me verbally if I dare say anything to defend myself.
He won't stand up for me when his family treats me like crap, and he blames me for not being "the bigger person" and just overlooking it. He just says "Just ignore them, just remember that you're smarter than they are and laugh about it, why do you always have to turn everything into such a big issue". That's literally been his "advice" to me for all this time. He never, ever, ever expresses any anger or disapproval towards them, he saves up all his bottled emotions for me.
I hate his family so much for it, I've struggled against my nature to get along with them and have them accept me, because of how important it is to my partner, but they're horrible people. But he's more loyal to them than he is to me, and the more time he spends with them, the more abusive he becomes. |
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TCR
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 11, 2012
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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And yah, the fact that my cats would suffer without me is the only reason I have for not killing myself that's not related to potential eternal punishment. I know suicide isn't the answer, but I don't know how to cope anymore, and I feel very desperate at times.
One of my cats is diabetic and I don't know anyone who could actually manage to give her her shots, which rules out temporarily keeping her with someone else. Plus everyone I know is a broke student or a broke recent graduate, living in overcrowded housing.
I've become very dependent on my partner. I hate that that's the case, but I'm terrified of the outside world and I can't manage out there. What are the options for someone like me? It's depressing when I think about it, I can't think of anything that would actually work, that I could actually handle doing without completely going off the deep end. What am I supposed to go, go on welfare and live in a bad neighbourhood? Perverts and freaks of all kinds always manage to pick me out of a crowd, and I hate going anywhere alone because of it.
I feel like a total failure because I'm so ill-equipped to deal with life. My self-esteem is virtually non-existent these days. I have little hope for the future, and I feel overwhelmed over all the things I would have to do to not be in this situation. I feel like I can't do anything. |
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Marcia
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Posts: 1477
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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I was fortunate that I was able to break free of a marriage to an abusive man. My church supported me emotionally and practically in that I was able to live rent-free in a church property.
I fully understand your feelings of hopelessness and being overwhelmed. However, you have now come to an understanding that this relationship is worsening and is in no way good for you.
The first thing I think you should do is make contact with an organisation which helps women in your situation. This doesn't mean that you have to leave immediately, but instead give you a chance to find out what your options are, and most importantly how to keep yourself safe.
It is important that your partner does not find out that you are reaching out for help, and women's aid organisations are aware of that and will work with you to help you ease your way out of this situation safely. Ask them about your cats as it may well be that your cats can be fostered for a time until you are able to have them with you again. Please don't stay in an abusive relationship because of your, understandable, worries about your pets.
And please, know that you are not alone. Many women find themselves in your situation and it is not your fault. You went into this relationship with hope and an honest heart. Your partner is abusing that.
Take it one step at a time, take strength from support where you find it, including here, and you will find that you are stronger than you think you are.
Do you attend church? Can you find support there, or someone to confide in?
I wish you all the very best - it's a tough situation but there is a way out and a brighter future for you. Take each day at a time and take care. |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 6:19 pm Post subject: Abusive relationship! |
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Why are you still with this creep?!!! He is not in love with you. He just keeps you around as a psychological punching bag, so he has someone to dump on when he is mad, frustrated, or other wise feeling crappy. You need to get out of there NOW, before he escalates into even worse physical abuse, and yes, some of what you have described him doing is physical abuse. The rest is verbal and psychological abuse. So get out NOW! It's not your fault, unless you CHOOSE to stay in this dangerous relationship. And under no circumstances bring a child into it. You have the right to choose to be in a dangerous relationship yourself, but you have no right to endanger a child by putting them at risk. Maybe you will find someone else to have kids with, and maybe not, but you will never find a better companion while you are still with this dangerous creep. Also, wanting to have kids is not reason enough to be with someone. You are supposed to be with someone for shared love, and you don't have that here.
1. Tell your friends what has been going on and ask if one of them can take in your pets. If they can't, check with one of the animal rescue groups to see if they know of someone who can take your pets on a temp basis due to your situation.
2. Difficult as it is, write up everything you can about your abusive relationship.
3. Pack and move to a shelter, as soon as you have taken care of 1 & 2. Show them the notes you have written. They will be able to help you.
Many of us have trouble working for other people due to the social problems caused by our disorder. Have you considered some type of self employment? Perhaps you could take in typing, or cook meals and deliver them to clients or some other work at home venture that has little contact with people. Can you handle phone conversations? Many companies outsource phone help desk work, and phone order work to people who work at home. How about web site design? That can be done at home, and you can set up a web based store to advertise and sell your services. Or be a writer or artist. There are a number of companies that will help you publish your work, or make reproduductions of artwork, such as reprints, or copies on T shirts, calendars, mugs, etc. and help you sell them. One such art and publisher helper is Lulu.com, but there are others. There are a number of other home based types of work out there, too. Some are fairly normal, but some are really different. I've even heard about people who earn money going around to the homes of clients a couple of times a week, just to pick up the dog poop left in the yard by the client's pet. Many people don't have time to do that, or can't bend over good, so they are willing to pay for such a service. These poop scoopers are able to make enough money to get by, because they are able to sign up a lot of customers, as it doesn't take all that long for them to do each job, and so many people don't want to do it. Not interested in that job? Well, how about helping someone with yard/garden work? Just give it some thought and see if there is something out there that you might be able to do.
And please, please, get out of there as soon as you write up your notes for the shelter or other assistance people and find lodging for your pets. Do not leave the pets there, as he will likely take out his abuse on them if you are not there. So get busy and get out, NOW! |
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diniesaur
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Posts: 639
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 11:27 pm Post subject: Re: Abusive relationship! |
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| questor wrote: | | Why are you still with this creep?!!! He is not in love with you. He just keeps you around as a psychological punching bag, so he has someone to dump on when he is mad, frustrated, or other wise feeling crappy. You need to get out of there NOW, before he escalates into even worse physical abuse, and yes, some of what you have described him doing is physical abuse. The rest is verbal and psychological abuse. So get out NOW! It's not your fault, unless you CHOOSE to stay in this dangerous relationship. And under no circumstances bring a child into it. You have the right to choose to be in a dangerous relationship yourself, but you have no right to endanger a child by putting them at risk. |
No, you're wrong right there: it's NEVER the abused one's fault if they're too afraid to leave. Sometimes there is a physical danger from leaving. You are right about the child, though. No one has any right to bring a child into the world if they're in an abusive relationship.
But I just remembered something! In a "thing" they held about abusive relationships at my school, the woman said something about how they find people to take care of pets when the abused people have to leave. I don't remember all of it, but maybe there are places in your city that do that, too. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 12:02 am Post subject: |
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AspieRogue, good idea. thread moved from Women's Discussion to The Haven (where people tread a little lighter...)
(and thanks to you and to diniesaur for speaking up in the thread. you can also let a moderator know if you stumble on something like that).
TCR, i do not have any good advice, but i hope you find the strength to take the steps that you feel are necessary. and i hope that you understand that you are a worthwhile human being who deserves good treatment. (((((hugs)))))
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