Kailuamom
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2010
Posts: 647
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 Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:45 am Post subject: The Big One.....Long |
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It has been a very full week for DS. Testing at Stanford, regular school teacher meeting, spending time with "friends" twice and his horse group.. Typically, he has the school teacher meeting for 1 hour per week and then horse group for 1 1/2 hours per week.
One of the ways DS copes with feelings is he wants to buy stuff. When he's regulated, he doesn't think about it too much, and when he's "off" he will start focusing on what he needs to buy. Yesterday, I could tell DS was struggling because he was asking to go to the mall. In order for me to take him, I need him to have a plan of what he wants. Otherwise he will wander getting more and more frustrated that nothing meets his needs. He will either melt down or buy something he doesn't really want and then end up being crushed afterwards when he has no cash.
Anyway, I re-directed by offering a movie of his choosing. He was happy with this and liked the movie. It ended at 6pm.. After it was over, he tried to get me to go to the mall, I said no, it's Sunday night, I need to make dinner. Then he asked for GameStop to buy a video game. I said, if you have a specific game you want, we can pick it up. He gave me the name of the specific game, so we stopped on our way home. They were closed.
So, we get back in the car and start to go home. He was disappointed but holding it together. Then he put the sun visor down, and somehow hit himself - and completely lost it.
As I was driving he was primal screaming at me, he was pounding on the windows trying ro break them, he tore the sun visor off the car. I just kept driving, praying he wouldn't grab the steering wheel.
When we got home, there was a group of neighbors out front hanging out enjoying the day. Instead of providing them a good meltdown show, I kept driving and found a more isolated spot for DS to finish melting.
He raged, threatening to murder this one kid who has bullied him in the past (he has no contact since he's homeschooled). He then moved to sadness and sobbed for a long time about wanting to die and having no friends. Once I was allowed to talk, I asked him if he tries to act a certain way when we are out. He said yes, so people would like him. I asked if it had been really hard acting "normal" for all of the activity this week, and he said it was. He also said that he had told the doctors what he was supposed to during testing.
He cried some more and said he just couldn't live in his skin. I talked about how at his age I had wanted to die and how that changed over time and I'm glad that I hadn't done something permanent to fix feelings that changed. I told him that one way I have found to manage those feelings was just to allow them, and to go to bed and be sad if I needed.
We finally went home after about 1 1/2 hours, he crawled into his bed and I brought him some food. He stayed there u til about my bedtime, then came down asking for food. I fixed him something and then went to his room and layer with him until he fell asleep.
What do I do to help him? He doesn't talk about how he feels when I provide therapy. He wants friends who will like him for who he is, but doesn't want to do things to make friends. He also won't let them see who he is, so he can never be liked for who he is, becaus he doesn't show who he is.
I cried with him last night as he was expressing the depth of his pain. No 12 year old should have to feel this way. |
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ASDMommyASDKid
Hobbit
Joined: Oct 28, 2011
Posts: 1064
Location: "It was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:59 am Post subject: |
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| I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say I am sorry. That is such a tough age. The bright point is that he talks to you and trusts you to tell you things. That is really so important. |
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Covuschik
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 14, 2009
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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I don't have any advice either, but I also wanted to say I'm sorry that he's (and you are too) going through this. Even though he's having a rough time, at least he has you to talk to and confide in and a safe place to express those feelings.
Hopefully someone here will have some good suggestions and ideas for you. |
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audball
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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Kailuamom, many hugs to you. It's so difficult seeing our children in pain...
Have you ever tried to have him just talk about his day while he's playing a video game or distracted in another way? My DD (who is 9) sees a cognitive behavior therapist and often times my DD reveals quite a bit when she is on "autopilot" while drawing or doing something else she really enjoys. It's like when one part of her brain is engaged, the other part can dissociate from the anxiety and stress of "holding it all in". This now works for us at home...we take long walks and while DD is physically engaged, she is more more talkative about troublesome issues to her. |
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Kailuamom
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2010
Posts: 647
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks all -
Audball, when he's doing something else, he will just redirect me to discuss his special interests. He refuses to address any of his feelings unless, like last night, they are overwhelming him. |
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audball
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Kailuamom wrote: | Thanks all -
Audball, when he's doing something else, he will just redirect me to discuss his special interests. He refuses to address any of his feelings unless, like last night, they are overwhelming him. |
I imagine that maybe discussing these things is incredibly difficult and painful for him...could he draw a picture of how he is feeling? Even if he uses his special interest as the subject, do you think that he would reveal something in the drawing? Or maybe get him to relate his feelings to his special interest? So if he is into Pokemon, ask him about developing a story with what happened during the day with him being his favorite Pokemon character? I know they have maps in some of regions in the storybooks...could you redraw a map with different "lands" related to emotions?
I know that kids in our schools here learned about the Superflex characters...could he use those as a springboard for emotion discussions? Sometimes the Superflex characters become special interests themselves!
Sorry I'm just brain-storming here... |
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momsparky
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2737
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I know just what each of you is going through, having been through it on both the kid-end and the Mom-end. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm thinking hugs for you both.
Once, when we were in the worst of it, a sparrow hit our window and fell down (the bird was OK.) DS was really worried about the bird, and I realized he might be able to see himself in it, so I said "I bet that bird feels really stupid for hitting the window, doesn't he?" No answer. "It's a shame, because it wasn't his fault: he couldn't see the window." No answer, but you could almost see the gears going. "I wonder if the other birds made fun of him for falling." Eventually, we did have a discussion about how sometimes birds are too hard on themselves for things they can't help, and how sometimes other birds don't understand. DS was able to talk through some stuff in this oblique way; maybe that's something to look out for and to try. |
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audball
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 29, 2011
Posts: 63
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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| momsparky wrote: |
Once, when we were in the worst of it, a sparrow hit our window and fell down (the bird was OK.) DS was really worried about the bird, and I realized he might be able to see himself in it, so I said "I bet that bird feels really stupid for hitting the window, doesn't he?" No answer. "It's a shame, because it wasn't his fault: he couldn't see the window." No answer, but you could almost see the gears going. "I wonder if the other birds made fun of him for falling." Eventually, we did have a discussion about how sometimes birds are too hard on themselves for things they can't help, and how sometimes other birds don't understand. DS was able to talk through some stuff in this oblique way; maybe that's something to look out for and to try. |
This is really beautiful...thank you for sharing your story  |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9301
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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Kailuamom, I think you're a really good mom. It's hard for kids to open up to parents, and that he EVER does, is a good sign. You read what he needed and you gave it to him. That builds trust.
I don't think we can do much more than keep the doors open and let them know they will feel love and acceptance when they walk in. The walking in part really is up to them.
Bedtime is when my kids talk the most. That, and if they sit in the front passenger seat on a long car drive.
_________________
Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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Think of the greening of my name as an emeritus thing; I used to be a moderator but am retired and have no authority to act |
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Kailuamom
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2010
Posts: 647
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks ladies - I appreciate the support. Today is a better day. We are both feeling exhausted and fragile, but ok. |
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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These sorts of meltdowns are very disturbing for us, the moms, to witness and endure. It is our primal need to protect our children from this type of suffering so we suffer along with them.
My daughter has had episodes like you describe. It is very traumatic for her and me. Time does heal and you are able after the trauma subsides to think about the positives. He told you how he was feeling: I am sure this is not easy and sometimes it takes an emotional upheaval like this for them to be able to access the words to describe their struggles and frustrations. That is a positive.
With my daughter I think sometimes she coasts along seemingly well for a while, but all the while it is building-like your son stated. It's so hard for them to do what they feel they need to do to "live up" to society's standards. Then the bubble bursts in a way and all of that pent up frustration and sadness and hatred-hatred for having to always hold it together-just gushes out. And even then, when the release happens they hate it-and are frustrated with themselves that is has happened like that.
My daughter also has stated she is miserable living her life. I think all we can do is support them, try to make it better when we can, give them love and a safe place to fall....that is what being a good parent is. And that is what you did.
So on nights like those I have a glass of wine and maybe shed a few tears and hope that the event has a positive side-some kind of growth. I am sorry you went through that, know that you are not alone! |
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