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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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 Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2012 8:51 pm Post subject: Getting a 6 yo Aspie to talk to his Mom |
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I have tried various things to get DS (6 yo HFA/Aspie in public school Kindergarten) to talk to me about what goes on at school. I have had some amount of luck if I lie down with him when he goes to bed at night. I can ask him a few questions and get some answers that actually a) make sense and b) contain enough detail to be helpful. I have also tried asking him questions when we are engaged in playing a board game or just picking up toys in his room. Sometimes I get a little bit of info but mostly I get absolutely NO response. I mean the kind of non-response that makes me feel like I might as well be on the moon or something. That is about how relevant I am to him at that point in time. I don't quiz him right when he gets home or anything like that because I know better than to expect any answers at that time of day.
Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions? |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9299
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2012 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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Boys, as a broad generalization, don't like talking about their school days. I don't know why. When he's older and dating he won't talk to you about that, either.
I realize that makes it difficult when you have research to do, or want to child your child with something, but every mom I know says the same thing.
_________________
Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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Think of the greening of my name as an emeritus thing; I used to be a moderator but am retired and have no authority to act |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2012 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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| The thing is that there is stuff that is clearly distressing for him but he can't seem to even tell me who is involved. I get a little bit here and there but its so hard to make heads or tails of it. Its makes it very hard to make any suggestions to the school when all I have to go by are his disjointed and very limited comments. |
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ASDMommyASDKid
Hobbit
Joined: Oct 28, 2011
Posts: 1059
Location: "It was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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| If your child ever does imaginative play, sometimes you might luck out and have their concerns seep into it. Sometimes, if he'll let you alter the scenarios at all you can make minor adjustments to the setting and get something. I know it isn't much to go on, but when our son was at his most uncommunicative, we'd occasionally get information that way. He is better at answering some questions, now, but we still tend to get more detail from pretend play. Think of it as therapy play done by a non professional. |
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momsparky
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2734
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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Can he draw? I will never forget the day DS drew a picture of himself falling on the ground, and a group of boys standing around pointing and laughing. Ouch.
You may have to make some guesses about what sort of things to draw, and you may need to be oblique about it, e.g. "Can you draw (special interest, like Pokemon or something) at recess? What happens whenever (insert special interest here) goes to recess? Maybe over the course of a month you can get an idea of where the trouble spots are in his day. |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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| momsparky wrote: | | Can he draw? I will never forget the day DS drew a picture of himself falling on the ground, and a group of boys standing around pointing and laughing. Ouch. |
Ow, that is a tough one. I guess at least you got the clear unambiguous message, eh? I have gotten him to draw pictures with me on a few occasions and that is useful when he will do it. I'll have to remember to try this with him more often.
Thanks all for the feedback. Sounds like I need to keep using my imagination on one hand and get used to it on the other.  |
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2012 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Girls don't like talking about their day either-at least mine doesn't. I have learned not to ask anything until some decompression occurs. Sometimes at bath time I might ask a question to see if she is receptive. Sometimes if we talk about her interest first and then segue into talking about school it works. Such as now she is very in to weather and I might ask if they are learning about weather at school. Things like that. Or I ask her if anyone else at school likes to learn about the weather, that might get her talking about the people at school. I have to be tricky with my questions. But mostly she just tells me what she wants to say...nothing more. Most of the time I get school feedback from the teacher at the end of the day. One thing my daughter will always tell me is who got in trouble. She will tell me in detail who broke which rules.  |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9299
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 1:13 am Post subject: |
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| ASDMommyASDKid wrote: | | If your child ever does imaginative play, sometimes you might luck out and have their concerns seep into it. Sometimes, if he'll let you alter the scenarios at all you can make minor adjustments to the setting and get something. I know it isn't much to go on, but when our son was at his most uncommunicative, we'd occasionally get information that way. He is better at answering some questions, now, but we still tend to get more detail from pretend play. Think of it as therapy play done by a non professional. |
Funny how fast I forget these things. We did that when my son was younger. While it is indirect, you can get a lot of clues that way.
_________________
Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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Think of the greening of my name as an emeritus thing; I used to be a moderator but am retired and have no authority to act |
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ASDMommyASDKid
Hobbit
Joined: Oct 28, 2011
Posts: 1059
Location: "It was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 6:00 am Post subject: |
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What Mama To Grace said is true, also. When their minds relax they'll sometimes talk about things. We don't get any information from bath time, because for our son it is active splash time. However, when he is in bed settling in of the night, sometimes he will talk about things from his day that peculate up in his head.
I don't know what your child's night-time routine is like, but you could try lingering a bit at his bedside, with the lights out, and pet him (f he'll let you; My son finds it soothing) or something analogous that he finds relaxing, and see if he will start talking.
Edited to say: Oops--You already said you do this, I forgot because I did not re-read your original post, this last time. |
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y-pod
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 17, 2010
Posts: 802
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:05 am Post subject: |
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It's hard to get my boys to talk about their day as well. Most of the time they don't say anything other than "fine". Very occasionally they'll mention something, but don't talk very clearly, so I still don't understand anyway. We just try to communicate with the teachers a lot. They do open up during playing, so we can get bits of information sometimes.
Growing up I never talked to my parents about school either. Just didn't think I need to tell them anything. Like what? Tell them that I was late in the morning, got told off for talking during assembly, and had a fight with a boy after school. Are you kidding me?  What kid likes to invite criticism and scolding? It might be an aspie thing, but I don't really think so. Some people just don't automatically share with others.
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Aspie mom to two autistic sons (11 & 9 ) |
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Bun
Bunnymen
Joined: Jan 09, 2012
Posts: 3250
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Maybe ask specific questions? I myself disliked the 'How was school?' question, no matter who asked me - I hope that's not offensive to say. |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1396
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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| y-pod wrote: | | We just try to communicate with the teachers a lot. |
Thanks for your thoughts. I pulled this out because the communication from the teacher seems to be part of our problem. She has become quite negative in her comments, not mean but just focusing on all the ways he DID NOT comply with expectations. I'd really like to know more about his point of view. For ex. I'd like to know if he even understands what the expectations are? Sometimes I think some of the behavior the school sees as non-compliance is just due to the fact that he does not understand what is going on and no one is taking the time to make sure he understands. |
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angelgarden
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 07, 2011
Posts: 229
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:59 am Post subject: |
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| Our son is 5, but same problem. The thing that works best is what you've done already. I lay down in bed with him until he goes to sleep. He is relaxed, has no visual distractions, and has a 'warm, cozy' feeling with mom or dad being with him. We get our best glimpses into his mind during these bedtimes. Develop some 'sly' lead-ins instead of asking straight out about school. Such as, tell a story about one day when you were a kid at school. I'd say don't give up on that. It doesn't happen every time, but when it does . . . Wow, can't believe how clearly he'll share with us. |
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Kailuamom
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2010
Posts: 647
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:34 am Post subject: |
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My DS is now homeschooled, but this was a source of frustration for us while still in school. I understood it was a common issue for boys, but i felt we needed to know more than the typical parent did . Specific questions (at bedtime was best) most often worked. The following are what worked - sometimes.
Who got put on red today - this was the classroom behavior management system. I would then ask follow up questions like, what did they do, what do you think about that, then what happened.
Who did you eat lunch with? what did they eat? What did you play at lunch recess? Who was there? What were the other kids playing?
Who's the nicest kid in the class! Who's the meanest kid in the class? What makes them nice/mean?
What was the best thing that happened at school today? Worst? Most interesting thing that happened? We used to ask everyone to do their best and worst around the dinner table. This is so that kids gain a perspective that everyone has ups and downs, and to practice talking about them. While I think the idea is good, we never got too much at this time, but I still think it was good practice. |
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angelgarden
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 07, 2011
Posts: 229
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:48 am Post subject: |
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| Kailuamom wrote: | My DS is now homeschooled, but this was a source of frustration for us while still in school. I understood it was a common issue for boys, but i felt we needed to know more than the typical parent did . Specific questions (at bedtime was best) most often worked. The following are what worked - sometimes.
Who got put on red today - this was the classroom behavior management system. I would then ask follow up questions like, what did they do, what do you think about that, then what happened.
Who did you eat lunch with? what did they eat? What did you play at lunch recess? Who was there? What were the other kids playing?
Who's the nicest kid in the class! Who's the meanest kid in the class? What makes them nice/mean?
What was the best thing that happened at school today? Worst? Most interesting thing that happened? We used to ask everyone to do their best and worst around the dinner table. This is so that kids gain a perspective that everyone has ups and downs, and to practice talking about them. While I think the idea is good, we never got too much at this time, but I still think it was good practice. |
GREAT questions. I've used a few of them that have worked well . . . such as the tell me the best thing and the worst thing at school today. Or asking about 'who' got in trouble and how he felt about it. Not that it will work magically for every kid, but it helps to try a variety of those kind of questions . . . and particularly at the end of the day as they are winding down. I get NOTHING before 7pm, no matter how hard I try. |
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