kingtut3
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 19, 2009
Posts: 354
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 Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 5:47 pm Post subject: girl at library |
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| There's this girl at the library I like. She works there. We've talked once or twice while I was checking out a book. How do I build a relationship with her out of my trips to the library? I'll even check something out just for an excuse to talk to her. It's not the most natural of situations. I managed to track her down online, though she doesn't know. We have quite a bit in common. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4906
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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You may have made a bit of a mistake by looking her up online. Don't stalk. And don't do anything that looks like stalking. But, the important thing, you may be able to graciously recover from this mistake. First off, don't look up anymore about her.
And then, pick a book about something you're interested in but that she is not, and this is the artful part. Go a little against type. For if she's somewhat interested and open to you, then she's going to be somewhat interested in what you're interested in, even if it's not one of her own.
And then the third time (or the fourth) may be just about the perfect time to ask her, "Would you like to grab a cup of coffee sometime?"
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Now, you may face a little bit of an uphill battle. For example, my seemingly 'nice' Harris County library, the librarians seem to stereotype regular users as potentially mentally ill using 1950s stereotypes, they really do. I wish this wasn't the case, but it sure seems to be the case. I even made a guess that 20% may be the threshold. If 20% of the regular users are in fact homeless or different, then they stereotype the whole group, and maybe this is one major avenue of how human prejudice develops.
There's nothing you can really do about this, except the sooner you ask her probably the better. (and esp don't do desk work and then half-pace, half-browse the rows and shelves as I sometimes do) And ask her in a brief, straightforward, winning, casual way and then one just never knows.  |
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AussieMatty
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 22, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 404
Location: Townsville, Queensland
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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Whoa thats big move mate. You realised that in some intentions by curiosity of liking her already after two times of meet? And also stalking her online?
That is biggest mistake out of male's perceptive. It seems rather unlikely to develop a relationship with her if you even met her twice. Give a few months. There whole a lot more you need to know than something itself. |
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machf
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 02, 2007
Posts: 312
Location: Lima, Peru
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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| AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote: | | You may have made a bit of a mistake by looking her up online. Don't stalk. And don't do anything that looks like stalking. But, the important thing, you may be able to graciously recover from this mistake. First off, don't look up anymore about her. |
That's *NOT* stalking, it's finding out more about her. It's no different from some other guy approaching her friends and casually asking about her. Only that he prefers to do it that way, not as stressful. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4906
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 12:28 am Post subject: |
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It may not be quote-unquote legal stalking, but looking stuff up about her online may be too big an initial step and may feel uncomfortable to her. And although it may not be conceptually different from asking a mutual friend about her, it may feel different.
I still think the main thing is to take a medium step that gives a good chance of gracious recovery.
For example, maybe as the two of you are sitting down for a cup of coffee, you might say, 'I'm a pretty shy person, and I wanted to see if we had some things in common so I looked you up on _____. [slight pause]. We might have ____ in common.' [and start with one thing you have in common and the conversation may proceed to others]
And shy is sometimes part of being Aspie, and I think potentially one of a number of good steps of medium disclosure. |
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kingtut3
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 19, 2009
Posts: 354
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:37 am Post subject: |
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| Looking her up online is completely anonymous. She has no idea that I did it. |
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 3:11 am Post subject: |
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| Too much analysing here, even from the people responding. There's a chance she might, there's a chance she might not like you, don't put any emotional investment towards a girl you haven't even been on a date with. Make an approach, if she likes you, take it from there and if she doesn't, move on. |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 5:43 am Post subject: |
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| Get a job in the library. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 5:49 am Post subject: |
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| The online thing, kinda depends on how far it goes. Finding someone's FB page and having a look at it, nothing too wrong there, it's sort of meant to be public to a degree. Digging up addresses, phone numbers, where they work, where they went to school, etc .... that's stalking. |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 5:54 am Post subject: |
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| edgewaters wrote: | | The online thing, kinda depends on how far it goes. Finding someone's FB page and having a look at it, nothing too wrong there, it's sort of meant to be public to a degree. Digging up addresses, phone numbers, where they work, where they went to school, etc .... that's stalking. |
The voice of experience. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 6:21 am Post subject: |
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| ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | | The voice of experience. |
Unfortunately true. But I wasn't the stalked, or the stalker. Former gf of mine was stalking one of her teachers while I was going out with her. I only knew about the online part but there was more that I never found out about, because she was actually banned from campus. Not a happy episode for anyone. |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:14 am Post subject: |
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| edgewaters wrote: | | ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | | The voice of experience. |
Unfortunately true. But I wasn't the stalked, or the stalker. Former gf of mine was stalking one of her teachers while I was going out with her. I only knew about the online part but there was more that I never found out about, because she was actually banned from campus. Not a happy episode for anyone. |
hah, oh dear. |
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Pyrite
Sealion
Joined: Mar 28, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1247
Location: Mid-Atlantic United States
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:28 am Post subject: |
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| kingtut3 wrote: | | Looking her up online is completely anonymous. She has no idea that I did it. |
Maybe (assuming you pretend you don't know anything you learned), but YOU would still know you did it, and know more about her than she knows you know about her or she knows about you. That can lead to a situation in which you perceive your relationship to be more developed than she does (an extreme form of this is characteristic of stalkers) and acting on that basis may prove off-putting. I would try to stay on the same page as her (no pun intended). |
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bruinsy33
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 01, 2011
Posts: 443
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:50 pm Post subject: Re: girl at library |
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| kingtut3 wrote: | | There's this girl at the library I like. She works there. We've talked once or twice while I was checking out a book. How do I build a relationship with her out of my trips to the library? I'll even check something out just for an excuse to talk to her. It's not the most natural of situations. I managed to track her down online, though she doesn't know. We have quite a bit in common. |
The situation you describe isn't an easy one since your interaction with her is very brief due to the dynamics. All you can really do is ask her out for coffee and see how she responds since you aren't really going to get much of an opportunity to get to know her any other way. |
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