Scoots5012
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 2353
Location: Cedar Falls/Waterloo Iowa
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 Posted: Sun Aug 15, 2004 7:31 am Post subject: |
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I have thought about this thread long and hard at work last night. I was determined to come up with some kind of answer. Often answers are best found in the least likely places. And as I pondered last night, it struck me that about a month ago, an incident that happened at work had given me a subtle, yet obvious clue as to what a good all-around answer would be to the problem of bulling. Refer to this thread that I posted about a month ago
http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=362
If I had tried to take on my boss alone, I would have been crushed by him. But with the aid of others, I was able to ward him off. It's now been almost a month and I haven't had any more problems with him bulling me at work
Which leads me to my simple answer:
Strength in numbers... One bully might pick on you, but one will be less likely to pick on three or four of you. When ever your in a situation where you think a bully could come after you, try to be around a few other people who stand up for you when push comes to shove.
I'm sure not all of you will agree with this, but this is the best I can do.
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I live my life to prove wrong those who said I couldn't make it in life... |
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Sanityisoverrated
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Joined: Jul 11, 2004
Posts: 1382
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| Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2004 12:05 am Post subject: |
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I agree that safety in numbers is a good tactic, and it is great to have people who will stand up for you or with you. However there aren't always going to be others to defend you, and sooner or later everyone must bite the bullet and stand up for themselves.
Its not easy! Its incredibly difficult at first, but the more you do it, the more your self-value increases and the easier it becomes- until eventually its hard not to! |
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Scoots5012
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 2353
Location: Cedar Falls/Waterloo Iowa
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| Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2004 1:12 am Post subject: |
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| Sanityisoverrated wrote: | I agree that safety in numbers is a good tactic, and it is great to have people who will stand up for you or with you. However there aren't always going to be others to defend you, and sooner or later everyone must bite the bullet and stand up for themselves.
Its not easy! Its incredibly difficult at first, but the more you do it, the more your self-value increases and the easier it becomes- until eventually its hard not to! |
I agree completely. But vouching for yourself is a lot easier in a mature adult world than it is in the imature, judgmental, materialistic juvinile world of a school. Do it right the first time, you'll be well on your way to solving your problems. Do it wrong, the first time, you'll only be opening the door up for more problems
Not trying to argue here. If I am, I'll shut up. This thread has conjured up many bad memories of my childhood.
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I live my life to prove wrong those who said I couldn't make it in life... |
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magic
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 1144
Location: US; male, 34
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| Posted: Mon Aug 16, 2004 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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I stayed away from bullying threads so far, because I have no useful advice and I didn't want to bother others with my self-pity. But I was thinking a lot about this issue and I recalled two incidents that hint a way of how to deal with the problem, at least in some cases. At school I was bullied not only by nasty kids who later grew into criminals, but also by normal kids, or even by whole class. These kids did have conscience, but they were not realizing how hurtful was what they were doing. They needed a shock to realize that. Here are two examples:
1. The teasing which unnerved me the most was when my colleagues were stealing my glasses. This bullying was usually perfomed by the whole class (although, truth to be told, they were a few kids who did not participate). I was very afraid that they would not return my glasses or that the glasses would break, so I always frantically tried to retrieve them, but was never able to find them on my own. This was probably very funny. One day they put my glasses on the floor and told me that they were there. But glasses blended into the wooden pattern, so I tried to find them by touch, sweeping the floor on my knees. I heard my classmates saying "He can't see". They never stole my glasses after that incident. I was 14 then.
2. Once after classes have ended a group of my colleagues decided it would be funny to give me a beating. So there were 4 kids holding and beating me, and about 10 onlookers. They pushed me and I fell on the floor and hit back of my head. This made me dizzy, but only for a short while. When dizziness passed, I didn't get up immediately. This was a 4th or 5th bullying incident that day and I was rather tired, so I hoped for a couple of seconds of rest. And then I heard something that I did not expect. Those nasty bullies that were calling me names seconds before, suddenly became very concerned, and in the most firendly voice they were saying things like "Magic, please get up, you are all right? Please say something." My mother had told me that one should not pretend to be in danger, so I got up and received the rest of beating. Now I wonder if I shouldn't have pretended being unconscious and let the ambulance take me to hospital. It would likely shock my classmates enough. This happened when I was 12.
Of course, it would be better to stand up to the bullies, but I was never able to hit people, and it would not do me any good in confrontations with groups. At the end I would like to add that bullying can be very dangerous. In one incident I was very close to a serious injury: I was sprinkled with sulfuric acid (deliberately); by miracle only my clothes were ruined. That's why I think that bullying should be stopped (or minimized) by any means available. |
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Sanityisoverrated
Phoenix
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Joined: Jul 11, 2004
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| Posted: Tue Aug 17, 2004 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| Scoots5012 wrote: | | I agree completely. But vouching for yourself is a lot easier in a mature adult world than it is in the imature, judgmental, materialistic juvinile world of a school. Do it right the first time, you'll be well on your way to solving your problems. Do it wrong, the first time, you'll only be opening the door up for more problems |
Yes you have a good point there, but unfortunately its very hard to tell at the time if what you are doing is helping or worsening the situation. Thats the beauty of hind-sight, now I can look back and see how naive I was. I guess its all part of the learning experience.
You are right though- Kids can be the cruelest creatures on the planet.
Hey! But at least we all made it out in one piece (mostly!) There were some times when I thought that I never would. |
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KtMcS
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 17, 2004
Posts: 226
Location: United Kingdom
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| Posted: Sun Aug 22, 2004 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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The trouble with my bullying was that it was mostly psychological- name calling, teasing, always the butt of the joke. The only physical side was trying to trip me up, 'accidently on purpose' pushing into me. When i moved schools (and towns) I was also bullied in the same way. kids are clever they know how to avoid being caught. the scariest point for me was being pushed down the stairs and the boy responsible blatantly lying his way out of it.
However when I went to High school things changed. And since then I've not had a problem. The trick is to keep going, ignore the idiots and realise that behind their bullying ways is insecurity, jealousy and peer pressure. You are above that and therfore better than them.
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Sanityisoverrated
Phoenix
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Joined: Jul 11, 2004
Posts: 1382
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| Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2004 2:34 am Post subject: |
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Man I just had a dream about being bullied the other night... It really does stick with you doesn't it?
Bullying is such a sickness, It just makes you feel like such a loser. |
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magic
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 1144
Location: US; male, 34
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| Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 6:07 am Post subject: |
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| Sanityisoverrated wrote: | | Man I just had a dream about being bullied the other night... It really does stick with you doesn't it? |
It doesn't for me. I remember that I was bullied incessantly, but I forgot nearly all incidents. When I was 14, an escalation of bullying nearly made me change schools. The situation was so serious that all my classmates went through a therapy, to decrease their level of aggression towards me. I was very depressed at the time.
I have recovered this event from my mother's notes. Although it was a rather important development, and one that dragged for a few weeks, I have no memory of it whatsoever. It is as if I suffer from selective amnesia, that wipes out memories that are too traumatic to keep. Maybe it's for the better. |
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Sanityisoverrated
Phoenix
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Joined: Jul 11, 2004
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| Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 12:05 am Post subject: |
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Yes I'm like that as well, I can't really remember any specific incidents- however I can still remember the feelings sometimes.
The selective amnesia is a good description. |
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NoMore
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 29, 2004
Posts: 919
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| Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 8:39 am Post subject: |
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I was never bullied in school, if you mean being physically hurt. I was teased a lot, for my interests, stims, and personal habits. I guess probably because I'm a girl.
When I was in school, it was the boys who tripped each other, punched each other, etc. Girls "attacked" each other with words. |
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duncvis
Beer Bore
Joined: Sep 11, 2004
Age: 37
Posts: 2581
Location: The valleys of green and grey
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| Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2004 5:44 am Post subject: |
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grrr bullies... no easy answer to this one. its hard to learn to laugh in their stupid faces when you are trying to work out why people want to hurt you.
two things that helped me (don't know if they'd be any use to others) were learning to laugh manically at all acts of verbal or physical harassment to the point where it stopped being funny to them (and started being unsettling...), and taking up karate, knowing that I could defend myself gave me the confidence to tell my tormentors to sod off and bother someone else so I ceased to be a target after four miserable years. needless to say that was 10-13, a lot of people find their classmates are the biggest assholes during this time. If that fails watching 'Heathers' should cheer you up. 
dunc
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Blakelysmom
Emu Egg
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Joined: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I am a mom of a 5 1/2 yr old (kindergarten). We live in a neiborhood and ever since he learned to ride his bike this spring he has been playing with the kids on the block...one of the children (6..ADHD) is like the cool kid from before blake went down there. Blake just wants to fit in and play. problem is he talks so fast and about stuff that they have know idea about. They give him the looks or walk away and he gets angry. Its come to the point where he just wants to satisfy the cool kid. I think this kid is telling him sh** like last night he had soccer. I let him get off the bus checked his back pack he kept a purple color all day so he behaved in school. I figured ok he can go until dinner and then off to soccer. So I go to get him and I had his plate all made up..he gets in the house and says "soccer is stupid". All and all this kid is saying stuff to him. How do I begin to teach my 5 yr old about this sort of thing?....Please help!! |
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Sanityisoverrated
Phoenix
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| Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 1:09 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry, I'd like to help but I'm not sure I really understand what you are talking about.
Is it possible to phrase it in a different way? |
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vetivert
gagged, but never silent
Joined: Sep 18, 2004
Posts: 5768
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| Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 7:11 am Post subject: |
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two things:
1. i'm a teacher working with kids with emotional and behavioural difficulties (EBD), and i work with a lot of bullies and their victims. bullies are really low on self-esteem, and that's why they bully - find someone who's more vulnerable than you and make their life a misery. i'm not suggesting we all feel sorry for them, by the way. BUT, if you can keep this fact in your head, it's a sort of psychological advantage. it might not stop them bullying (which is not good), but it may help to minimise psychological and emotional trauma - bruises and bones heal much, much faster than hearts and minds. i was bullied mercilessly at school, and girls seem to be far crueller than boys when they bully: as someone said above, girls use words, and they go deeper than fists. (i'm not saying being physically hurt is nothing, far from it). it was appalling, and so i developed my own mental fortress, using a form of superiority, which isn't necessarily that great, but it got me through. (soon after, they stopped bullying me so much, because it stopped having the affect they wanted - no reaction is boring).
as a teacher, it's very frustrating because there's not a great deal i can do to stop bullying, even when i know it's going on - i can't be everywhere at once. the post above who said the class had aggression therapy sounds fantastic - british schools would probably never spend the money on it (horribly underfunded. end of political bit). i don't think punishment systems have a long-term effect.
2. blakelysmom - don't want to give advice, really, cos that's dangerous. however, a suggestion might be that, if you think he's "mature" enough, let him find his own way. perhaps the friendship is more important to him than the football. i see it every day - peer pressure is a frustrating and even, i believe, a disempowering thing sometimes. maybe he needs to find his own level - i'm sure you'll notice if it's making him unhappy, and that's the time to do a bit of gentle steering: "i thought you liked soccer?".
"i've changed my mind"
"why?"
"cos..." and so on. he might need an "out", so he doesn't lose face by liking soccer again. if he justifies it himself, he can see (even if subconsciously) that HE is choosing, and that's very empowering.
don't want to come over as a know-all (i'm not!), so i'll stop there. just hope it might help, even if it's not suitable for your little one (and you'll know better than me) - at least you'll eliminate one possibility!
V. |
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magic
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 1144
Location: US; male, 34
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| Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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| vetivert wrote: | | the post above who said the class had aggression therapy sounds fantastic - british schools would probably never spend the money on it (horribly underfunded. end of political bit). |
This was nothing really big - just classes with the school counselor. But they had a positive effect - afterwards I was bullied only by a few kids, not the whole class anymore. If anyone is interested, I can post a detailed account of the situation and how it was handled. So it happened that my father was working abroad at the time, and my mother was sending him letters with detailed descriptions of current events. These letters were brought back and preserved, and now prove very helpful in reconstructing my past. |
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