Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8083
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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 Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:25 am Post subject: Clueless: What to do when going to the mall with a friend? |
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So a friend from my old school wants to go to to the mall this weekend, and I'm kind of nervous. She's a good friend and I miss her, but I have high levels of anxiety when making chit-chat with her. It's just so hard to keep a conversation going smoothly. We usually just reminisce, but eventually, we'll run out of things to remember. I could also try "gossiping", but the one time I tried to do that at dinner with her and another friend, it seems as though I chose the wrong thing to talk about and no one was interested and I just kept silent for most of the night.
I could always talk about what most people would at a mall: clothes. It's just that I'm not as interested as everyone else is, and while I can pretend to be, it's hard to pull off that enthusiam people get when they see something they really like.
We could also go to the book store, and just read in silence, but I'm pretty sure that's not what she wants to do at a mall, and I'm not sure if there's anything she's interested in that she hasn't read already. 
I'm just hoping that another friend will be able to make it so I wouldn't have to be as exhausted, though I might feel left out, for everyone seems to be comfortable making chit-chat with one another. I need advice on what to do if I get stuck on what to say during a conversation. 
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Steven_Tyler77
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 20, 2012
Posts: 209
Location: Romania
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 4:57 am Post subject: |
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Let her take the lead in the conversation. Why do you have to be the one who stirs up the chit-chat? I've noticed that most NTs, if they perceive you as receptive, will be happy to talk about all sorts of stuff that interest them.
You can ask her about what has been going on in her life. Maybe she has some troubles that she would want to talk about (depends on how close the friendship is). Maybe she has some stories to tell.
Many NTs like funny stories, so if you came across some interesting/funny situations in your life, you could tell some stories.
What are her interests? Maybe you can strike up a conversation starting from something that you know is of interest to her.
Last but not least, try not to focus on what topic to talk about. The point of these meet-ups is to provide emotional connection. NTs do not care much about what is discussed, as long as they get to be close to the other person and they care about the said person. So you could talk about virtually anything in the world, no matter how trivial it seems, and still have a good time. If you let your nervousness overcome you, it will ruin the situation for you.
So let her take the lead (she's an NT, after all, she knows how to handle social situations). And also express to her that you are happy to see her and spend time with her (if you genuinely feel this way), that should be a nice thing to say with NTs (and I think even with Aspies).
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Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD 
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie. |
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Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8083
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, she's the type of person that tends to keep things to herself, from what I hear from other friends and kind of observed myself. If I asked her how her life was, the answer might be short, and she'd just want to leave it at that.
Her interests... well, like a lot of NT girls, I guess clothes. She also seems to be into the Hunger Games and Harry Potter, but I've never watched nor read either one. I'm not sure if she listens to K-pop anymore, but if she does, I guess I could talk about her favorite band?
But what if she asks about me? What am I supposed to say about my life? I don't want to get TOO personal about it.
I get more personal connections while fooling around, rarely ever during chit-chat.
Anyway, I guess she's a pretty social NT, but a quite reserved one at that. I don't know... this is confusing... and sad. She's supposed to be one of my best friends too...
I'll try not to think about it too much. I am glad to be able to see her again.
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Aprilviolets
Slave of my ginger cat.
Joined: May 07, 2011
Posts: 1258
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:44 pm Post subject: Clueless: what to do when going to the mall with a friend? |
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| You could have a nice cup of coffee or tea in the food court maybe have some lunch or a cake. |
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Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8083
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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We are going out to eat, but we're going to have to talk while we're eating. 
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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BMctav
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Posts: 144
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:58 am Post subject: |
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| Steven_Tyler77 wrote: | Many NTs like funny stories, so if you came across some interesting/funny situations in your life, you could tell some stories.
So let her take the lead (she's an NT, after all, she knows how to handle social situations). |
People generally like funny stories, in my experience. NT or Asperger's, we're all just people.
Just because someone is a NT it does not mean they know "how to handle social situations". I understand that people with Asperger's generally have difficulties with some aspects of socialising, but NTs can and do have problems with it too, and I think that's worth remembering. |
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Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8083
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| BMctav wrote: | | Steven_Tyler77 wrote: | Many NTs like funny stories, so if you came across some interesting/funny situations in your life, you could tell some stories.
So let her take the lead (she's an NT, after all, she knows how to handle social situations). |
People generally like funny stories, in my experience. NT or Asperger's, we're all just people.
Just because someone is a NT it does not mean they know "how to handle social situations". I understand that people with Asperger's generally have difficulties with some aspects of socialising, but NTs can and do have problems with it too, and I think that's worth remembering. |
I agree with you. I've asked a friend whom is an NT about making conversations before. She told me that it's normal to feel uncomfortable and to force topics with another person, but the thing is that it starts to feel natural after a couple sentences for her.
Anyway, I just hope everything goes alright tomorrow.
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Sempiternal
Is Standing Right Behind You
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Age: 16
Posts: 8083
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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| Posted: Sat Apr 28, 2012 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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I came back from the mall several hours ago. It wasn't so bad. Even though I found myself constantly searching through my mind about what to say, I did not feel as much anxiety as I normally would. It was actually a pretty nice experience.
What kind of ruined it though, is that my friend's boyfriend unexpectedly dropped by. I started feeling like a third wheel and stopped talking as much as I did before he came, even though he noticed it, elbowed me, and started shouting, "NO, you are not the third wheel, I am! -shoves my friend and I together- NOW TALK, YOU TWO." It didn't really help. He also kept asking me why I was so quiet and awkward throughout the day.
_________________
"Magic is any sufficiently advanced technology." - Arthur C. Clarke
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 61 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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redrobin62
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 3844
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:19 am Post subject: |
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| I don't go to the mall and I don't have any friends. |
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