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Repent
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 02, 2010
Age: 42
Posts: 171
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 Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:15 am Post subject: Aspie dad about 'NT' teen daughter's 1st boyfriend |
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Well I just had a weekend from hell.
My 14 year old 'NT' daughter brought home her 1st boyfrined this week. I didn't think much of it at first. Seem's like an ok kid, no tattoo's, no piercings, seems smart; no problem for my daughter to hang out with him.
Then on Saturday morning while I was reading the news on the internet, my daughter had left her Skype open and I got a message; "love and kisses Heidi, alway's love you- Connor'" from my daughters boyfriend, who thought he was texting her.
This started an awful chain of events that I found myself on the losing end of things. Right away my Aspie brain started thinking logical thoughts;
1) Is she really serious with this kid at age 14, and if so she needs to get on birth control pills right away.
2) I need to confront her about how serious a relationship she's in with this kid.
3) Can I support a grandchild living in the house in 9 months if she gets pregnant? (She'd give birth in grade 9 and neither she nor her boyfriend could parent the child).
4) My wife would have to quit her job to care for the child while my daughter is in school and there would be reduced income in the household.
My daughter said when I tried to talk to her about these things; "Dad- stop saying gross things- then shoved earplugs from her Ipod in her ears and ignored me'. I persisted; and she said "I'll take my makeup and paint your face to look like a clown, when your sleeping, if you keep talking to me about this." (She's done this before- I'm a sound sleeper.)
So my 14 year old 'NT' daughter immediatly blocked me from her facebook and skype pages, and I have no idea what's going on. So I asked my mother to keep tabs on her internet activities on facebook. Then all hell broke loose, both my parents took her side saying- the poor kid, what rotten parents she has! You're going to force her onto birth control pills at the tender age of 14- she's way too young for that. She'll probablly have a dozen boyfirends before she has sex with any of them!This left me feeling terrible. None of my concerns were adressed. My parents think I'm a lousy parent for even involving myself in the situation. (I have no conception of how normal 'NT' teens behave, because I was a male Aspie as a teen, there is no comparisome).
(Just needed to vent somewhere---)
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Inyanook
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 14, 2012
Age: 19
Posts: 204
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| Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 am Post subject: |
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I understand completely why you did what you did, but I believe that your family is right — though they should have been more sympathetic of your concerns.
She's probably not serious. I would say "definitely", but I'll try not to be too black-and-white here.  Everything I say henceforth is entirely a generalisation, so bear that in mind.
Relationships at that age are immature — they rarely last very long at all — and words like "love" are often bandied about with little meaning attached in any deep sense. They might feel something like infatuation, but usually that's about it. And the chances of them doing anything beyond kissing are really, really minimal, IMO, and certainly I don't think you should try and put her on birth control.
You don't want to push these concerns on her too much, or be too controlling — make sure she's okay by all means, but if she perceives you as interfering she's going to feel nothing but resentment. Consider this a lesson in how NT teenagers act, I suppose! They're a confusing bunch, that's for sure, and I wish you luck with having one in your family.
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13486
Location: My house
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| Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 1:29 am Post subject: Re: Aspie dad about 'NT' teen daughter's 1st boyfriend |
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| Repent wrote: | Well I just had a weekend from hell.
My 14 year old 'NT' daughter brought home her 1st boyfrined this week. I didn't think much of it at first. Seem's like an ok kid, no tattoo's, no piercings, seems smart; no problem for my daughter to hang out with him.
Then on Saturday morning while I was reading the news on the internet, my daughter had left her Skype open and I got a message; "love and kisses Heidi, alway's love you- Connor'" from my daughters boyfriend, who thought he was texting her.
This started an awful chain of events that I found myself on the losing end of things. Right away my Aspie brain started thinking logical thoughts;
1) Is she really serious with this kid at age 14, and if so she needs to get on birth control pills right away.
2) I need to confront her about how serious a relationship she's in with this kid.
3) Can I support a grandchild living in the house in 9 months if she gets pregnant? (She'd give birth in grade 9 and neither she nor her boyfriend could parent the child).
4) My wife would have to quit her job to care for the child while my daughter is in school and there would be reduced income in the household.
My daughter said when I tried to talk to her about these things; "Dad- stop saying gross things- then shoved earplugs from her Ipod in her ears and ignored me'. I persisted; and she said "I'll take my makeup and paint your face to look like a clown, when your sleeping, if you keep talking to me about this." (She's done this before- I'm a sound sleeper.)
So my 14 year old 'NT' daughter immediatly blocked me from her facebook and skype pages, and I have no idea what's going on. So I asked my mother to keep tabs on her internet activities on facebook. Then all hell broke loose, both my parents took her side saying- the poor kid, what rotten parents she has! You're going to force her onto birth control pills at the tender age of 14- she's way too young for that. She'll probablly have a dozen boyfirends before she has sex with any of them!This left me feeling terrible. None of my concerns were adressed. My parents think I'm a lousy parent for even involving myself in the situation. (I have no conception of how normal 'NT' teens behave, because I was a male Aspie as a teen, there is no comparisome).
(Just needed to vent somewhere---) |
I think what you are going through is pretty normal for any parent and worrying about your daughter means you are a good parent. It sounds like your family are the ones who are lousy and no way would my own parents let me act that way at 14.
Also have you tried talking to your wife about this? My parents forbid us kids from having sex and told us there be huge trouble if they found out about it. |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14799
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 8:42 am Post subject: Re: Aspie dad about 'NT' teen daughter's 1st boyfriend |
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To be fair this girl does not exactly seem to be planning to have sex, especially if she thinks her dad talking to her about not having sex is 'gross' is sex is gross for her at this point I highly doubt she's going to do it. To assume having a boyfriend close in age at 14=sex is not necessarily an accurate assumption.
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SanityTheorist
Wandering Artist
Joined: Feb 14, 2012
Posts: 2096
Location: The Akuma Afterglow
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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As others have noted you seemed fixated on the idea of sex in this. Most people lose their virginity at age 16, so I would try to tell her not to have sex when the situation comes so that she will have it embedded in her subconscious.
At elast you care about your child; your mother is extremely rude to just snap like that. Repressed memories perhaps? I'd ask her about that.
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14799
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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| SanityTheorist wrote: | As others have noted you seemed fixated on the idea of sex in this. Most people lose their virginity at age 16, so I would try to tell her not to have sex when the situation comes so that she will have it embedded in her subconscious.
At elast you care about your child; your mother is extremely rude to just snap like that. Repressed memories perhaps? I'd ask her about that. |
What if the child simply does not want to think about sex? the idea that she must be thinking about that if she has any interest in guys should not be pushed on her either. I mean I know if I had a boyfriend at that age I would have been offended at the assumption that meant I'm considering sex.
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book_noodles
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2010
Age: 19
Posts: 953
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:50 pm Post subject: Re: Aspie dad about 'NT' teen daughter's 1st boyfriend |
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| Repent wrote: |
This started an awful chain of events that I found myself on the losing end of things. Right away my Aspie brain started thinking logical thoughts |
Respectfully, I'm not sure if your conclusions were logical. It doesn't invalidate your feelings and concerns, but it opens up more possibilities.
I feel like this is relevant, so I'll share. You don't have to read, I know this is long, but it's my perspective as the daughter who has grown to agree in some ways with your argument.
I started dating my current partner at 14, but we didn't have sex until I was 17.8~ ish years old. We were rather quick to bond, and we were very cuddly and loving within a year of dating. I was uncomfortable when my mother and father asked me if I was going to be sexually active at 15, but I honestly told them I wasn't going to. My mom told me I could ask for any form of contraceptives if I changed my mind. I was comforted that I wasn't going to be kicked out of the house or shunned.
The second time I bought condoms myself (18 years old at this point) my parents found out and were initially very angry.
My mom didn't tell me that she knew for all over dinner, and she looked so angry and disappointed with me for no apparent reason that I started crying and felt sick. When she explained what I had done, I was guilty from breaking her rules, but it didn't change decision as an adult to continue "doing it" with my boyfriend of several years (NOT under my parent's roof.)
It was confusing and upsetting that they were so inconsistent. They said they were glad that I bought them, but that everyone's life would be ruined if I got pregnant. This is a little bit silly and not really true. I am fastidious and careful, and I have the right to choose my own birth control because I am a woman. If I get pregnant, I will have an abortion, because I am too immature and financially dependent on my family to raise a child.
Now. You may have jumped the gun a bit by assuming his words implied sexual activity, but I understand why you were startled! It's weird seeing other people's personal confessions. With that said, confessions of love, while an implication of emotional intimacy, don't necessarily have to follow sexual activity.
I feel like preserving "virginity" is sort of a sexist way of controlling women's sexuality, but I do think that 17 or 18 is the minimum of a developmentally appropriate age range for sex. (I am referring to brain development). You are the parent, and you are allowed (some might say obligated) to make these decisions while she's under the age of consent. At that age, she may not understand her rights (as in, rape is rape, even if it's your partner) and she may not have enough information about sexual health beyond "girls have periods."
Calm is key for these conversations. If you're freaking out, she's going to freak out!  can you blame her?! If you don't believe her judgement is sound, supervise her time with him and encourage dates in public places... and frankly, as much as a computer geek as I was and still am, I still believe that computers should be used in a common room with supervision.
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raisedbyignorance
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 29, 2009
Age: 29
Posts: 2024
Location: Indiana
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Considering the high teen pregnancy rates, I can see how an aspie can be very concerned about this with their own kid. The few times I ever had sex, it was always with a condom for the obvious of reasons. I'm not bold enough to ever take a risk even though most people I know probably do.
I think you should've talked to your wife about your concerns first before putting it all on your daughter. Your parents probably are thinking the way you do because you might've pushed your concerns on your daughter too strongly. Is your daughter getting sex education at school? Did the boyfriend when you met him seem like the type who would rush into things too quickly?
She must've known that you saw her Skype and that's probably why she deleted you. You should try talking to her again, apologize and explain to her that you are just being concerned for her. Try not to bring anything regarding sex or any of that details. Just explain your concern. |
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Repent
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 02, 2010
Age: 42
Posts: 171
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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I calmed down a bit after a few days.
A few points to clarify:
1) I've apologised to my teen and she accepted.
2) The note on Skype was from a female teen friend, teasing her about her 'boyfriend'. (A possibility I hadn't considered). Also her 'boyfriends' facebook page said he was in grade 9,. He lied he's a grade 8 student like my daughter. (Apparently everyone lies on facebook- why anyone would want to read lies is beyond me! My daughter showed me that she's 50 years old and married according to her facebook page- (I'm agast)
3) I worry about my parents first reaction to my first girlfriend. I was 17 and my first girlfriend was 15 1/2 (In 1988), it did get sexual very quickly and my step father reacted by threatning to turn me into the police for statutory rape when he found out.. I've had issues with sexuallity and feelings of guilt persisted with me for many years as a result of this trauma.
4) If my daughter was to die tomorrow, would I want her to die a virgin? To not to have had a sexual. loving experience in her life- who am I to stop her?
5) Kids grow up way too fast, I'm still getting over the fact that she won't sit on my knee and watch teletubbies with me anymore!!
-An Aspie dad.
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