| Is it reasonable that I want to disown my mother? |
| Yes it is reasonable, but you shouldn't. |
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12% |
[ 2 ] |
| Yes it is reasonable and you should. |
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18% |
[ 3 ] |
| No it isn't reasonable, and you shouldn't. |
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12% |
[ 2 ] |
| No it isn't reasonable, but you should. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Other (please specify). |
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56% |
[ 9 ] |
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| Total Votes : 16 |
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FalsettoTesla
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
Posts: 532
Location: North of North
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 Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 10:39 am Post subject: Is it reasonable that I want to disown my mother? |
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I know to give informed opinion you'll need a bit more information than the title provides. I know at 18 a lot of people dislike their parents, so I'm considering that as a possibility.
But, when I was growing up she neglected me - she wouldn't send me to school, she didn't keep me clean, and often I went to be hungry. To be fair to her, she was a heroin addict at the time, and has sever bipolar with psychotic features. She had a lot of unsavoury friends, and I saw bad things, and bad things happened to me. But my mum wasn't really aware of it.
The state were very poor at monitoring my welfare, and I didn't get a social worker until I was 11, and was placed in the care of my aunt. Which, I don't personally think was a good idea. My aunt has substance problems herself, namely with alcohol and prescription pain killers. Her children, both younger than me, were very violent towards me. It was also very, very loud at my aunts house. I have a big problem with loud. I always have, my nursery teachers told my mum to get my hearing tested because I used to walk around with my hands over my ears. I still do that actually.
Anyway, my aunt shuffled me to my grandma's house. She's a very fussy woman, and I was a very pedantic and messy child. My grandma gave me back to my mum. And, basically, my early teen years were very distressing. I was very depressed, and self-harmed a lot. I didn't like being passed around my relatives houses. My mum didn't really notice that I was upset. She did stop using though. But her mental health is so poor that she can't function.
She's medicated, but she is delusional very emotionally unstable. She's so illogical, I can't handle it. Also, because of my static facial expression she thinks that I don't have any emotions/emotional problems. And has made lots of comments about me not being human because I don't look sad when there are people suffering on TV, etc. She doesn't seem capable of understanding me, but thinks that I should understand her, and make allowances for her. My family seem to as well, because whenever I mention anything negative about my mother they just say that I need to make allowances for her because she's 'not well'. Yet, whenever I do something/say something offensive, which I do often and unintentionally, I'm being a horrible person. They also don't recognise the hard work it has taken me to get my GCSE's and AS Levels. They think that it's 'disgusting' that I'm 18 and I've never had a job - despite that fact that none of my family are lawfully employed, and my mum and aunt have never been.
I do have support, my partner lives with me and mum. They really dislike my mother, and have to try very hard to be civil towards her.
Basically, I'm going to University in September, and I don't want to see or speak to my mother after I leave. Does that make me a horrible person/child? Or is it understandable? Should I make allowances? Or has she been to poor of a mother? :/ This has been stressing me out since I got into University. :/
Also, as you've gotten this far, I'll throw in a side question. Is it possible that my aspie symptoms are just the result of neglect, or have been exacerbated by neglect? Because neglect could account of poor coordination, and lack of socialisation may account for some of my social issues. But, I'm not sure, because I haven't spent a lot of time with other people who have experienced neglect. I suppose I should acquire a therapist and ask them.
I apologise for the massive amount of information, I just think it was necessary for an informed response. |
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nomadder
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 04, 2011
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 11:07 am Post subject: |
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I voted Other because I think "Yes it is reasonable and you may or may not come to the conclusion that you should disown her'. It's not a simple question by any means, it's not just about WHAT happened to you, it's also about how you deal with it and everyone is different; there is no right or wrong answer here. I agree with your idea to find a therapist to help you through this next stage of your life.
A useful book on this subject is 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life' by Susan Forward. It gives lots of examples of what others have done in this situation, and it is empowering.
I must say I'm impressed you've kept up your education and got into university; your obvious fortitude and intelligence is going to guide you well in your life.
In the meantime, you don't need to make a decision. Going away to university will allow you a break from your mother and family, and give you the time to sort out how you feel about them, and how best to deal with them in the future.
I kept contact with my mother but had to completely re-engineer any expectations about the relationship. She also thought I was cold and 'not human'. But I cared for her in non emotional ways; I felt I repaid the care she provided me. Her care towards me was emotionally limited in a lot of respects and I reciprocated in a limited way as felt appropriate and comfortable to me. I broke contact completely with several other family members and I don't regret it.
_________________
I think I'm a not so typical NT
Your score: 106/200 (Aspie), 110/200 (NT)
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
AQ 23/50, EQSQ-R EQ 34 SQ 93 (Extreme Systemizer)
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Robdemanc
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2010
Posts: 2289
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| I voted other too. I think it is reasonable but not as simple as "yes do it." Give them a wide berth, get away to Uni and devote your energies on yourself. Time can change peoples minds. Time can change people. Your mother may become a different person one day. |
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Greatsharkbite
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 09, 2009
Age: 27
Posts: 680
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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My thinking has been this towards maintaining relationships with parents.
If they're overall harmful to talk to and deal with, don't deal with them.
A relative of mine had parents who were drug addicts, had to rely on other people to take care of them etc, just like you--but they keep contact. Now that their parents are off drugs.. they're fine.
I think it sounds like your mom needs a serious amount of help before you guys could get to that point, but.. I guess in the end its whatever you're comfortable with doing. |
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diniesaur
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 03, 2011
Posts: 639
Location: in the Ministry of Silly Walks
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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It's impossible to disown your mother. "Disown" means that a parent will no longer give its kid an inheritance. That's why I said it's not reasonable.
I guess you could cut her out of your life, but I think you shouldn't do that forever; maybe just for a while until you're strong and stable enough to withstand the stress of interacting with her. I know that if you never see her again after you leave, you'll probably extremely regret it when she dies. |
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YellowBanana
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 15, 2011
Posts: 923
Location: mostly, in my head.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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I voted "Other".
Go to University and get on with your life. Your relationship with your mum will change naturally when you leave home, so I wouldn't put too much thought into what you should do - just wait and see what happens ...
_________________
Female. Dx ASD in 2011 @ Age 38. Also Dx EDD/BPD |
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Rhiannon0828
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 21, 2011
Age: 44
Posts: 434
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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I voted other. I can understand why you might want to sever contact with her. But I must ask you this: is it fair to disown someone for behaving in ways they can't help? If so, there are reasons all of our parents might want to disown us. As an aspie, would you consider it fair to for your family to disown you for your aspie-ness? You stated that your mother is severely bi-polar and had a terrible substance abuse problem. As shameful as her lack of care for you as a child was, she probably couldn't do better. I think that you would be better served to try and have some compassion, get out of her home, and if she upsets you, have limited contact with her, but not sever contact completely. She is still your mother, and may have wanted to do better by you, but was unable. If you are able, some forgiveness would benefit both of you.
_________________
"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup." |
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RainShadow
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 17, 2012
Posts: 88
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 12:31 am Post subject: |
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My mother and sister both are the kind of people who go out of their way to bring you down. My sister told me "if you stop treating her like a retard, she'll stop acting like one", in regards to my daughter with autism. My mother actually laid in bed crying for three days after I gave birth to my son. She's seen my daughter twice in the six years she's been alive and she met my son for the first time just before his second birthday.
I think, for the sake of healing and sanity, you have to protect yourself. It sucks, but protecting yourself doesn't necessarily mean from a stranger. Our families hurt us the deepest because we are closest to them. I haven't spoken to my sister in nearly 2 years. I talk to my mom when absolutely necessary, which pretty much means she has to call me (which she rarely does. My grandpa died a week ago and she still hasn't called me. I got a text from my cousin letting me know.)
Ultimately, who you allow in your life is up to you. Sometimes you have to separate yourself from your family. Love them, not what they do. |
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cozysweater
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 06, 2011
Posts: 570
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:17 am Post subject: |
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I voted other. I can only speak from my own experience. My Mom has schizophrenia and wasn't able to care for me and my siblings and her parental rights were eventually terminated by the state. I spent about 9 years in fostercare. So that's the baseline of background information for my response.
In my opinion, it depends on how contact with your mother makes you feel. It sounds like contact with her doesn't make you feel good. This is a complicated issue and it's hard to sum up or even express the feelings surrounding an ill parent. In my experience, some days I felt like forgiving her and making everything alright and other days I felt like calling her all the worst names. Your own healing process is something to take into consideration.
Personally, I think it's fine to go off to college and sever ties. In my own life I've been told by several people that I need to think about my mother's welfare and make allowances for her because she's mentally ill. But here's the thing. The people telling me that were never powerless in my mother's care. Also I've discovered that those same people have no idea what horrible things can happen to an unprotected child. So f@#k them. Their judgement means nothing. Find what makes you happy and go after that thing. Remember that your mother and (probably) all of these judgy relations are adults and can fend for themselves.
Be aware that she might randomly show up on you. Have a plan. A hotel to send her to if she shows up and bus fare home. (I keep an emergency crazy-relative fund. It's not large, but it gives me peace of mind)
| Quote: | | Is it possible that my aspie symptoms are just the result of neglect, or have been exacerbated by neglect? Because neglect could account of poor coordination, and lack of socialisation may account for some of my social issues. But, I'm not sure, because I haven't spent a lot of time with other people who have experienced neglect. I suppose I should acquire a therapist and ask them. |
I don't really know what to tell you on that score except that it wouldn't hurt to seek a professional's opinion. I know neglect can cause similar symptoms, so it's possible. It's also possible that because you had such crap supervision, no one noticed the signs of ASD. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:45 am Post subject: |
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your story breaks my heart, FalsettoTesla. some aspects hit very close to home. if you do not cut her off i think at the very least you should create firm boundaries that you could live with, and communicate those boundaries to her.
i.e. "i will only spend time with you when you do not insult me or start getting weird. as soon as things go off, my visit with you is over."
or
"i can only see you for an hour or so at a time, in a neutral place like a restaurant, only when you have taken your meds."
or
"i will visit once per semester, for one day, when other family members are around."
she may resist or get angry. but you can tell her that in order to maintain your own mental health and stability, you have to establish some boundaries for your interactions. you can tell her that you want to maintain a relationship with her, but certain conditions must be set.
your family is not likely to ever fully understand whatever choice you make, whether you decide to continue with the status quo and complain to them, or set boundaries, or cut her off totally. no matter what you do, they will judge you and you will need to learn to live with that. you can't change their attitudes at all, but you can make your own life better.
i don't know if completely cutting her off is a good idea or not. you have to decide for yourself. it must make you die a little inside every time you are with her. but if she died next year and her last words were, "i wish my child had forgiven me, i tried my best but i had my own problems... i missed her so much... when she stopped seeing me it killed me...." could you live with that?
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Heidi80
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 05, 2011
Age: 33
Posts: 507
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:05 am Post subject: |
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| Robdemanc wrote: | | I voted other too. I think it is reasonable but not as simple as "yes do it." Give them a wide berth, get away to Uni and devote your energies on yourself. Time can change peoples minds. Time can change people. Your mother may become a different person one day. |
Agreed. Focus on yourself and your studies for now. Your mum isn't your problem. |
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FalsettoTesla
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 31, 2011
Posts: 532
Location: North of North
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all for you responses.
@Nomadder, I'll try and acquire that book.
@Diniesaur, actually, disown is
'dis·own/disˈōn/
Verb:
Refuse to acknowledge or maintain any connection with.' - So, it is appropriate. (Sorry, if it comes across as me being pernickety.)
@Rhiannon0828, I know that she may not have been able to do any better, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I know I am not currently able to forgive her. I don't see how it would benefit her as she doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong. Is it fair to disown someone for behaving in ways they can't help? No, but life and people aren't particularly fair. I'm sure we'd all agree that it is not fair that instead of feeding me, she fed her drug habit. Two wrongs don't make a right, that is certainly true. But I'm beginning to realise that very few things are as simple as that. Your response gave me a lot to think about, thank you.
@RainShadow, your family dynamic sounds painful. Your mother and sister sound cruel.
@Cozysweater, your response resonated with me deeply. Your crazy-relative fund sounds like a very, very good idea. I think seeing some kind of therapist is a good idea.
@Hyperlexian, I could live with it. I would feel horribly conflicted, mean and monstrous, I think, but I already feel like that whenever I'm around her. :/ |
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RainShadow
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 17, 2012
Posts: 88
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| FalsettoTesla wrote: |
@RainShadow, your family dynamic sounds painful. Your mother and sister sound cruel.
:/ |
They aren't happy people. I did things with my life that make them angry because they could not. I didn't have a happy childhood. My mother is a victim of everyone and everything. My sister is an undiagnosed narcissist who has severe issues with people finding happiness outside of what she deems to be "normal". I ruined their lives because I didn't follow their plan for me. I can live with that as long as I'm happier for it. I don't need my kids growing up hating themselves the way I did, the way I do. It's hard balancing, but my desire to protect my kids was stronger than my illogical "need" for them in my life. I don't hate them, but if I met them on the street, as strangers, I wouldn't take the time to get to know them.
Look at it this way, spending time getting to know you can only make you stronger. In 5 or ten years, the relationship dynamic between you and your mother might change. Some people have to lose what they value to see that they really valued it. |
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RainShadow
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 17, 2012
Posts: 88
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: |
i don't know if completely cutting her off is a good idea or not. you have to decide for yourself. it must make you die a little inside every time you are with her. but if she died next year and her last words were, "i wish my child had forgiven me, i tried my best but i had my own problems... i missed her so much... when she stopped seeing me it killed me...." could you live with that? |
I'm in a very similar situation and I can honestly say, that while my mom and sister have been cut out of my life for the most part, they still have every chance to make amends to me. If they asked for forgiveness, I would give it, so long as they made the effort to change the behavior that caused the rift to begin with. If her dying words were "I wish my child had forgiven me ... ", but she never asked for forgiveness, that's on mom, and no one else. If you want to be forgiven, you need to change your behavior and ask for forgiveness.
My mom for instance can give me every excuse in the book to not come to my children's birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, etc. When we lived in California, I could forgive it, she lived in Florida. When we moved to within four hours of each other and she still refuses to come for the day because "there's no one to feed the dogs", it shows me where he priorities lie. |
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Bloodheart
Grisha's Gal
Joined: Jan 18, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 2167
Location: Newcastle, England.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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I'm in a similar situation myself.
My mother has never had any interest in me at all so knows nothing about me, she suffers depression and was abusive growing-up - after staying with her a while as an adult the abuse got serious and she nearly killed me on a couple of occasions. When I moved out I had planned not to tell her where I was moving to but I was too dependant on her given as I had been homeless at the time, but recently (since a little over a year ago) I've nearly completely cut contact as she started getting passive aggressive and my aunt started getting involved - as my mother has lied to family about me (as I have no contact with them they of course believe her, and think of me as a horrible daughter). My mother wrote me a Christmas card asking me to get in touch with her so I had to, but our contact is still very limited. Occasionally I think she tries to reach out to me but it's too little too late and so it feels forced, we don't have a mother/daughter relationship and whenever I try to make a connection she blanks me...which hurts.
I do think about it a lot - obviously you're supposed to love your mother but there are things your mother has done which has put you at risk and may continue to do so as long as you remain in contact with her, if only for the emotional distress. But you do feel like a horrible person for doing it, and you do think what would happen if she was to die tomorrow - my mother has no other children and no partner, half of me thinks my lack of contact must really hurt her...but then another half of me thinks that given as she doesn't know me or have any desire to know me obviously she can't care that much...it's tough. You think about what would happen if she was to die or what you'd say to her if she was on her death bed - would it change anything? I think in situations like this it wouldn't, the damage is done.
I go with limited contact with my mother - we have each others mobile numbers, but don't really talk - she's not in my life but contact can be made if needed...I'm waiting for her birthday 26th and my birthday 29th to see if anything gets said as last year I didn't even get a happy birthday so she needn't expect one from me.
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Bloodheart
Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them. |
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