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glider18
Supporting Member
Joined: Nov 09, 2008
Posts: 6710
Location: Ohio
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 Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:33 pm Post subject: reply |
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One thing I find hard to understand is the so-called typical NT socializing scene. It appears that the average NT wants to herd together for social interraction. I, on the otherhand with autism, find I would rather be with my interests. The social scene makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to be away from it as much as possible. However, I love to be with my family.
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Dillogic
you know how it goes
Joined: Nov 25, 2011
Posts: 3349
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Assumptions and not taking things literally |
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jetbuilder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 743
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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People who are constantly moving their hands all over the place when they talk.
dancing
When I tell someone I can't do something with them because I already have other plans and they insist on asking what I'm doing as if it's not as important as their plans. I just want to say "Does it matter what I'm doing?!
preoccupation wit the personal lives of famous people
supermodels and porn stars (I just don't find them attractive at all)
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“Standing on the fringes of life... offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor.”
---- Stephen Chbosky
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Steven_Tyler77
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 20, 2012
Posts: 209
Location: Romania
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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Why they can't debate on a subject without taking it personally and without getting angry when the person they're talking to disagrees with them. Why so many of them resort to calling people stupid when they run out of logical arguments.
Why, although they don't like logical debate, they seem to thrive in the realm of interpersonal conflict. I mean, they so easily get worked up on some minor thing and stir up a whole lot of drama and conflict. I so hate this, I'm so sensitive that fighting with someone totally makes me sick.
Why the vast majority of them have absolutely no theory of mind even towards other NTs (as much as the psychologists would like us to believe that).
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Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD 
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie. |
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Steven_Tyler77
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 20, 2012
Posts: 209
Location: Romania
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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| jetbuilder wrote: | People who are constantly moving their hands all over the place when they talk.
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I do this all the time and it's not an NT trait. Actually, many NTs frown upon it or make fun of it. With me, it's an ADHD trait. It's similar to stimming. It helps me focus on what I'm talking. If I don't do this, I immediately lose focus. Sometimes, I notice that my hands are basically just representing on a bodily level the same story my lips are telling (so it probably helps me express myself even better). I'm saying this, because I noticed that this behavior increases when I'm supposed to express a point of view in detail and in a lengthy way, so I need to keep focused on the task of communication. It's not that obvious when I'm just uttering a line or two in a conversation...
The cause for it is the same as for the restleness and fidgeting of ADHD people: it's an attempt to increase dopamine levels in the brain by motion. If, for some reason, I'm not moving my hands all over the place (e.g. I need to hold some object at the same time), I'll certainly be stimming in some other ways, either by fiddling with the said object or by using another body part.
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Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD
Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie. |
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jetbuilder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 743
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Steven_Tyler77 wrote: | | jetbuilder wrote: | People who are constantly moving their hands all over the place when they talk.
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I do this all the time and it's not an NT trait. |
Gotcha. That's interesting.
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“Standing on the fringes of life... offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor.”
---- Stephen Chbosky
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cubedemon6073
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 08, 2008
Age: 34
Posts: 1628
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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| League_Girl wrote: | I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
Why people must comment on things like new hair cut or new furniture in the room. I assume it's for small talk but if you say nothing about it, they assume you didn't take notice.
I don't get why people get offended if you don't remember them or recognize them.
Why people let their emotions get in the way most of the time.
Why people ask a question and then only want a certain answer and then they think of you as mean or a bully when you tell them something they didn't want to hear.
Why is asking a question arguing and why is disagreeing so bad? I can see how correcting someone be seen as an argument because you are basically disagreeing with them. It's like I have to be a sheep and I am not allowed to speak my mind or say anything or else I am "arguing." I always have t restrain myself from saying a word. Even my own mother told me the last time she saw me was that I keep arguing. I told her I don't mean to do it and she said "that's okay, I know you feel you have the right to disagree." So I am not allowed to disagree?
Why we are expected to know everything like about every single person out there or about every single history. Like I didn't know who Dick Clark was. Someone at work was socked I didn't know about him and if she were rude about it, I would have told her "Sorry, I didn't know I was supposed to know about every single person in the world. When I go home, I will read about every single person in history and every single celebrity and other famous person so I won't be ignorant again."
I also wonder why are people so surprised with my attitude when they started it first so they are surprised they got it back in return. Like the time at babycenter, someone put words in my mouth and I didn't like it so i told her "Excuse me but I never said she could not say she has three kids so don't put words in my mouth" and she responded with "snarky are you lose the attitude." Maybe I was snarky but why was she so surprised? It's like they can dish it out but can't dish it in.
Why people need people to socialize with them and can't be with them and not saying a word.
Why people can't go alone to places and they prefer a person to be with them. |
League_Girl, try to learn to pick your battles. Sometimes, even if the other person is wrong it is better to hold your tounge which means just say nothing to it or pretend to agree just to keep the peace. I have learned this technique with my wife. NT men do this all of the time.
By the way hold your tounge is an idiom which means to be quiet and not say anything. |
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TechnoDog
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 17, 2012
Posts: 869
Location: Thornaby, UK
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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| jetbuilder wrote: | | Steven_Tyler77 wrote: | | jetbuilder wrote: | People who are constantly moving their hands all over the place when they talk.
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I do this all the time and it's not an NT trait. |
Gotcha. That's interesting. |
http://news.uchicago.edu/article/2011/01/07/gesturing-while-talking-helps-change-your-thoughts-study-finds
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INTJ, Type5 Observer, Ecologists,
“When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power.” |
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StarTrekker
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 20
Posts: 504
Location: Starship Voyager, somewhere in the Delta quadrant
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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| League_Girl wrote: | I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
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I have trouble with this too. It was especially problematic for me last year when my friend was having typical teenage trouble with her boyfriend. She'd repeatedly bring all these "he did this" and "I don't know what to do about that" to me, and I'd give her what advice I could (having no experience in the dating realm) then not understand why she never took it, only to come back two days later with the exact same problem. It took another friend of mine (much older and wiser than me) to tell me it wasn't my advice she wanted when she brought her problems to me, it was my emotional support and sympathy. I didn't understand why; if she had ways to fix the problem, why not take them? I understand the principle behind the action now, but the action still makes no sense to me.
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Bun
Bunnymen
Joined: Jan 09, 2012
Posts: 3250
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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| ^ I just listen as soon as I realised my advice isn't helping. |
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FMX
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 483
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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I think League_Girl described some really good ones. Agree with cubedemon6073 about picking your battles, too. That's a decision I have to make regularly.
The thing that got me the most, especially at school, were the stupid comments they sometimes make as an opening statement of a conversation (I guess?), especially about the other person's behaviour or appearance. I guess that might be "banter". I mean stuff like:
- "Can you pull your socks up any higher?" (Commenting on the fact that the socks were already higher than they'd like.)
- "Did you enjoy eating your fingers/swinging on your chair/other stimming?" (Commenting on behaviour that they found odd.)
What are you supposed to say to that? "Err... yes"? I mean, I understand (now) that these are not meant as literal questions, but that doesn't help me: what am I supposed to answer? The only socially acceptable response I've seen to this is to start laughing at myself, telling them how silly I am - but what if I don't want to do that? What if I don't think there's anything to laugh at, even though I understand that they think so?
| League_Girl wrote: | | I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same? |
I think it just makes people feel understood when they are listened to and agreed with and that itself makes them feel better. Offering a solution is a bit risky, because they may not agree that it's a good solution and it may tell them that you really didn't understand their problem after all, which is the opposite of what they wanted. I'm like that myself, but at least I realise it. I get the impression Aspies are more self-aware in general. Oh, wait, did you want an answer to this?
| League_Girl wrote: | | Why people must comment on things like new hair cut or new furniture in the room. I assume it's for small talk but if you say nothing about it, they assume you didn't take notice. |
Their assumption is probably right most of the time, at least for guys. They often don't notice a new hair cut. The NT assumes it's because the new hair cut is unimportant to them (which is usually correct, too) and they don't like that. If it's important to them they feel it should be important to others, too.
| League_Girl wrote: | | I don't get why people get offended if you don't remember them or recognize them. |
Similar - it implies (rightly or wrongly) that they're not important enough to be remembered and people don't like being unimportant.
| League_Girl wrote: | | Why people let their emotions get in the way most of the time. |
Yeah, that's a tough one. I suspect they can't help it, but I'm still trying to figure this one out.
| League_Girl wrote: | | Why is asking a question arguing and why is disagreeing so bad? |
Oh yeah, I run into this one all the time. I often take great care not to disagree, only to question, but people assume I'm disagreeing anyway. I think it's because very few people ask questions like I do, so the other person starts "reading between the lines" (incorrectly). |
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Gazelle
Crossword Aficionado
Joined: Mar 09, 2012
Posts: 1645
Location: Tropical island
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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Oftentimes I find it difficult to understand when someone is joking and it happens when someone jokes around often and then the person says something that makes it seem like she is joking, but I am not always sure.
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ScottyN
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 28, 2010
Age: 44
Posts: 431
Location: Calgary, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Saying something like "We should go do such and such tommorrow", and then never showing up to do the activity. It was all just a part of social small-talk, I guess? |
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Bun
Bunnymen
Joined: Jan 09, 2012
Posts: 3250
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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| ScottyN wrote: | | Saying something like "We should go do such and such tommorrow", and then never showing up to do the activity. |
Oops.  Though I usually only say it if the other person said it first. |
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Shambles
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 30, 2012
Age: 17
Posts: 80
Location: Birmingham, England
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| StarTrekker wrote: | | League_Girl wrote: | I do not understand why people would like to complain or whine and not want to hear a solution to their problem. I get they just want emotional support and wanting people to agree with them but why? Wait, maybe I am a hypocrite for this because sometimes I am the same way but I say nothing about it because I know I wouldn't be able to handle the truth due to the state I am in so I keep it to myself. But why can't they do the same?
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I have trouble with this too. It was especially problematic for me last year when my friend was having typical teenage trouble with her boyfriend. She'd repeatedly bring all these "he did this" and "I don't know what to do about that" to me, and I'd give her what advice I could (having no experience in the dating realm) then not understand why she never took it, only to come back two days later with the exact same problem. It took another friend of mine (much older and wiser than me) to tell me it wasn't my advice she wanted when she brought her problems to me, it was my emotional support and sympathy. I didn't understand why; if she had ways to fix the problem, why not take them? I understand the principle behind the action now, but the action still makes no sense to me. |
Oh oh! Sorry to interrupt but I'm learning about this at the moment!  ... People who are seeking emotional support are in denial, this is called an emotion-focused approach ... Many people refuse to take the opposite, problem-focused, approach because facing a stressor is too stressful to them ... But it still makes no sense to take an emotion focused approach, I suppose, seeing as it only has short-term effects on the percieved problem.
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