bookworm773
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 22, 2012
Posts: 40
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 Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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I have learned that my bf(AS undx'ed) will not answer if he doesn't want to deal with a subject, or if he is just too busy, or is he doesn't *have* an answer yet.
I am learning to deal with each of these things in different ways, all of which require adopting a more zen attitude and honest self-questioning about why I *need* an answer.
Usually, if it is about personal matters, I need to just respect that he has expressed a silent boundary. That can be hard, since as NT's we feel like certain areas of life are just automatically at least somewhat accessible to us within a relationship. This is a conditioned expectation, and though often harmless, it is not correct by virtue of being common. Maybe your guy just doesn't want to answer, and doesn't know how to express this without what he perceives to be discomfort or some other minor confrontation about *why* he doesn't want to answer. See where I'm going? He may just see it as a Pandoras box, no matter how you approach it.
Also- if receives your message when he is in the middle of his routine, he probably sidelined it. I now realize mine can only divert his attention from his routine for important issues like work, or something he knows in advance is time sensitive. I used to think he was rude; now I see that he just needs *his* time, and that I need to find communication modes that do not intrude on that.
This is all challenging, and no doubt, you are sacrificing some of the social niceties you get used to from fellow NT's. I sometimes long for that kind of effortless give and take, as well as the immediacy of that type of connection. But your AS mate has unique gifts that will provide a different type of certainty and reassurance. Most of the world can give you the NT dance steps, but Aspies are a different breed with their own special contributions to a relationship. It is worth it to explore the many possible interpretations of their behavior and choose to believe that it is benevolent if sometimes confusing.
I think our jobs as partners can sometimes include creating an emotionally safe space for our loved ones. Part of doing so is giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe just ask your AS mate about this, and see if he might be willing to meet you half way somehow.
This is so challenging, I know. My guy does this too, and I can feel the awful nausea of anxiety build with every hour that a message about plans goes unanswered. Sometimes I resent it because it impedes my ability to schedule my work day. But it's not cataclysmic, and when I put things in perspective, I realize that he trusts me to plan my own life on my terms without factoring in his schedule. So- anyway, I guess the point is, I *get* why his silence makes you anxious and frustrated... but be sure to choose what to push and when with utmost care. Make sure the issue is worth the strife that may result. When pushed too far, AS mates will retreat from you. |
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waitykatie
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 206
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| Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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| IlovemyAspie wrote: | | I guess silence isn't so bad after all. |
Nope. It's a un-learning curve for us NTs. We've been conditioned to expect certain things - even tiny things, like a brief response to an email - that we have to unlearn. If he got it while at work, or engrossed in something else, a response requires multitasking - a complex task neurologically. That is how it is okay to not respond. Just always remind yourself of all the other ways he shows his love, and forgive him for the ways he does not, or cannot. Maybe you can show your love in other ways too - like respecting his silences.
I can only speculate, but I'd guess his past relationships ended, fundamentally, because his partners did not have it in them to accept and love so unconditionally. I'd guess they said mean things to him, that he sort of believes, blames himself, and may not understand what happened well enough to explain. Definitely save that conversation for when you're in a "safe zone." |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:08 am Post subject: |
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Hyperlexian-knowing his personality I can see why he might be Leary of certain questions. Wanting to know why I'm asking. He has a bit of paranoia going on and depending on what happened in the last relationship-like what waitykatie said, he may not understand what happened well enough to explain. Bookworm-you made
a lot of good points:
Silent boundaries
Creating an emotional safe space
Choosing when to push what and when
Just to name a few. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. I truly believe he's doing the. Best he can. Maybe even trying to do things differently this time?
I love coming here, you guys know how to talk me off of the ledge. |
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:18 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | i think that sometimes when faced with a hard question then a person might...
...waffle on how to answer...
...spend a long time trying to think up the right response...
...struggle on how to word it...
...second-guess why the question is being asked (is it a trap?)...
by the time an appropriate answer is formulated, 4 days have passed and it seems silly to answer at that point. so we might figure.... if you really want to know you'll ask again in person or something.
it may help to ask a question on different terms. for example by framing it in terms of WHY you need to know, WHAT you're going to do with the information, WHEN you need to know it for, WHICH questions are non-negotiable, etc. |
Exactly as above. I know from my own exprience that the beginning of a relationship can be very stressfull. Trying to work out intentions, doubts to sort through, overwhelming feellings that typically are dormant. All this can cause what I call "brain freeze", where I just shut down and need to decompress for awhile. I would drop it for now, but bring it up in person later.
_________________
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
Last edited by Maerlyn138 on Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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machf
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 02, 2007
Posts: 312
Location: Lima, Peru
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:39 am Post subject: |
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| izzeme wrote: | i can't know the specific situation obviously, but i have a simular problem, from his side (in your example).
if i get a message (text, mail, facebook message, *insert here*), i usually quickly read/skim it to see if it is inportant to read thouroughly and/or answer right now; if it isn't, i put it aside for later.
however, by doing that, i have left the message as 'read', meaning it doesn't show up on overvieuws, so if i have time to answer messages, i just quickly go to my several inboxes, check the amount of onreads and answer those, ignoring/forgetting the one i have put aside an hour ago.
i suspect something simular is happening in your case... |
That happens to me all the time... particularly when I check my mail late at night and go to sleep, then next morning I don't see the message and don't remember about it until I'm already in bed at night. |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:43 am Post subject: |
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| This all makes perfect sense. The waffling, the struggling-I can imagine him going through this. And yes things are very new so I can understand the caution. |
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machf
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 02, 2007
Posts: 312
Location: Lima, Peru
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| ThinkTrees wrote: | I think you just asked him a question that is way too complicated to answer.
Something like that takes thought -- relationships are awfully complex, all those layers, he is probably still trying to work it out himself...or has given up because it's so baffling. |
This too, some things need a long, detailed answer written in terms that aren't too convoluted. And that takes time...
| hyperlexian wrote: | i think that sometimes when faced with a hard question then a person might...
...waffle on how to answer...
...spend a long time trying to think up the right response...
...struggle on how to word it...
...second-guess why the question is being asked (is it a trap?)...
by the time an appropriate answer is formulated, 4 days have passed and it seems silly to answer at that point. so we might figure.... if you really want to know you'll ask again in person or something.
it may help to ask a question on different terms. for example by framing it in terms of WHY you need to know, WHAT you're going to do with the information, WHEN you need to know it for, WHICH questions are non-negotiable, etc. |
This pretty much sums it up... I have a draft for a reply to a post on some other forum which I started writing over a year ago, and I stilll haven't finished... and nowadays, I don't think it's worth it anymore, |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:07 am Post subject: |
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| My biggest fear is pushing too much. I guess I feel that I put so much out there for him. I'm just waiting to get a little from him. |
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waitykatie
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 206
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:31 am Post subject: |
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| IlovemyAspie wrote: | | I guess I feel that I put so much out there for him. I'm just waiting to get a little from him. |
Oh dearest, do I know that feeling. It may interest you to read the story/question I posted tonight (NT female seeks input on AS male's fears). It may give you a sense of what "time" and "wait" and "patience" really mean. Also, the responses have been great. |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:45 am Post subject: |
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| Lol. I mentioned I come here every day....I've already read it...been following responses too! |
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foxfield
Raven
Joined: Sep 11, 2011
Age: 25
Posts: 108
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:17 am Post subject: |
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Even though I am an aspie I find this behaviour just as mystifying as you. I have no problems talking about emotional topics in a relationship so I find people who do difficult to understand.
My theory is that people who are like this simply don't find these topics interesting in any way, because their brains aren't wired that way. In much the same way that I don't find internal combustion engines (or whatever) interesting. If someone sent me a lot of emails about internal combustion engines I would probably gradually stop replying as well because it doesn't seem like an important subject to me, and I have better things to do than talk to someone about something that doesn't interest me in the slightest.
It's just an theory, dunno if it's true or not. But I find the analogy useful. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21970
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| Maerlyn138 wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | i think that sometimes when faced with a hard question then a person might...
...waffle on how to answer...
...spend a long time trying to think up the right response...
...struggle on how to word it...
...second-guess why the question is being asked (is it a trap?)...
by the time an appropriate answer is formulated, 4 days have passed and it seems silly to answer at that point. so we might figure.... if you really want to know you'll ask again in person or something.
it may help to ask a question on different terms. for example by framing it in terms of WHY you need to know, WHAT you're going to do with the information, WHEN you need to know it for, WHICH questions are non-negotiable, etc. |
Exactly as above. I know from my own exprience that the beginning of a relationship can be very stressfull. Trying to work out intentions, doubts to sort through, overwhelming feellings that typically are dormant. All this can cause what I call "brain freeze", where I just shut down and need to decompress for awhile. I would drop it for now, but bring it up in person later. |
it happens to me in real life too. sometimes i ask people straight-up "why do you need to know that?" and such. or i repeat the question to give me time to answer. it is weird, but simple questions can make me feel hounded/judged/startled/etc
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | simple questions can make me feel hounded/judged/startled/etc |
| Quote: | | it may help to ask a question on different terms. for example by framing it in terms of WHY you need to know |
hmmm...okay I get it. And see I have so many questions that I haven't asked because I thought it might come off as the 3rd degree. So I choose very carefully the questions I feel I need answers to. I never thought of explaining why I needed to know. Maybe I should start doing that, it may help. The way I operate is I'll ask you what's your favorite (fill in the blank) and then one day I'll surprise you with it. So since I'm trying to surprise you I 'm not going to tell you whay I need to know something, I'll just ask and put it in the 'vault' so to speak for later. I'm not maipulative and so I guess I don't feel anyone should be threatened by my questions. When I ask something it's usually going to benefit you in some way later on. But I don't think he understands this about me just yet.
The comforting thing is that after I ask the quesions and then get no response, our interactions are still positive. Meaning I'll talk to him in person and it's not awkward. He doesn't seem upset and if I email something else I'll get a response. It's like nothing ever happened.
If this was a situation between NT's, I think with the non responsiveness there would be some tension or even some avoidance of any contact, in person or otherwise. Because as mentioned, in the NT world, not responding can be interprted as being rude. |
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machf
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 02, 2007
Posts: 312
Location: Lima, Peru
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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| IlovemyAspie wrote: | | The way I operate is I'll ask you what's your favorite (fill in the blank) and then one day I'll surprise you with it. So since I'm trying to surprise you I 'm not going to tell you whay I need to know something, I'll just ask and put it in the 'vault' so to speak for later. |
I can't speak for others, but personally, I don't like surprises. I'd rather know beforehand what I'll be getting, and when, so I can be prepared. Being expectant is more pleasing than being surprised... |
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IlovemyAspie
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 08, 2012
Posts: 874
Location: On the brink....
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Being expectant is more pleasing than being surprised... |
point taken. Not everyone is like me and likes surprises! |
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