kojot
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 18, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 95
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auntblabby
Chief Assistant to the Assistant Chief
Joined: Feb 13, 2010
Posts: 18188
Location: the island of loveable toy humans
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 Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:46 am Post subject: |
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i don't know which i'm worse at- small talk, or big talk? the blog you linked to was positive and hopeful.  |
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PTSmorrow
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 14, 2011
Age: 54
Posts: 719
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:05 am Post subject: |
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| I just don't engage in it since it's a waste of my time. People who have actually something to say would write a book on a topic so i can read it. Small talk is just verbal excretions. |
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fragileclover
Velociraptor
Joined: May 22, 2009
Posts: 496
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:19 am Post subject: |
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I understand the point of small-talk, and its supposed importance in social interactions, but for me, when engaged in small talk, I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. It's honestly exhausting to try and maintain it for long, and I feel the most amazing sense of relief when it's over!
_________________
Aspie Quiz: AS - 141/200, NT - 77/200 (Very likely an Aspie)
AQ: 34/50 (Aspie range)
EQ: 32 / SQ: 68 (Extreme Systemizing / AS or HFA)
Diagnosed with AS and Anxiety Disorder - NOS on 03/21/2012 |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:27 am Post subject: Small talk |
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Small talk is pointless, and thus annoying. Also, I can never really think of any small talk topics to contribute to the conversation. I am an unemployed hermit, living on disability due to my health problems. What am I going to talk about in small talk? A job I don't have? A pet I don't have? A garden I don't have and can't handle due to my health? School--I'm in my 50s and have trouble getting around, so I am not about to attend college. Hobbies are out. Others don't share my few interests. I don't want to talk about my health problems. That's annoying to others, and to me. How about TV shows? Well, my TV died about a year ago, and even when it was working the mountains blocked all broadcast signals. I don't have cable or satellight coverage. I watched DVDs and videos until the set died. I do intend to eventually get a new set once I get cable I-net. Then I can get a Roku thingy to watch free I-net TV on my new TV.
There is nothing for me to talk about in small talk, but how do you tell that to an elderly, extroverted parent who thinks introversion is a mental illness, so he keeps trying to make me stop being an introvert. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! He expects an email once or twice a week, and I have trouble coming up with stuff to put in an email. I rarely go out and nothing much happens around here from week to week. There is only so much I can say about the weather, and he will be coming back up here for the warm months in a week or two, so he will be able to experience the local weather himself until he goes back to Florida for the winter in late October. I admit it I am a boring person and lead a boring life, but my father wants me to liven things up for him. He's the one with a life--golf, trips, etc.
Why do NTs put so much importance on small talk trivia?! |
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FMX
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 480
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Good article - it breaks down a social rule into parts that we can understand and analyse. However, knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things. The devil is all in the details, like:
1) Just what topic do you talk about? I'm not good at thinking of one on the spot and if I rehearse it in advance (in true Aspie fashion) it may turn out to not be appropriate for the situation.
2) It's not enough to just tell "a story". You have to tell it well for the other person to connect - and that is an art in its own right. I have a tendency to put in too many details that, while important to me, are not all that interesting to the listener. So it takes a bit of patience for someone to listen to my story and pull out the interesting bits. I know this, but fixing it is another matter.
3) That feeling of vulnerability in revealing something personal is not entirely irrational. People can and do use it against you. How do you tell who will do that and who won't when you first meet them?
I think the trick with the last one is to talk about things that sound personal, but are actually not all that important to you, so you don't feel too vulnerable. Again, it's not easy to find things like that and it's not easy to talk about them well. But I would like to practice that sort of thing a bit more. |
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lostonearth35
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 06, 2010
Age: 39
Posts: 843
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 9:47 am Post subject: |
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I must be a pretty good actress because I have learned to pretend to be interested in small talk and ask people things like, "How are you doing? How was your weekend? How was work today?" and if they start telling me the extremely uninteresting events of their lives I and pretend to care by doing things to make them think I do by nodding with what I have learned is an interested facial expression, saying "uh-huh" and even the occasional "Wow! So what happened then?" and junk like that. Then when it's finally over I can talk about some of the things I've done, seen, experienced that are mainly based on my own interests and hobbies because I am really more interesting than about 90% of the people on this whole stupid planet.  |
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Pyrite
Sealion
Joined: Mar 28, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1247
Location: Mid-Atlantic United States
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:33 am Post subject: |
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The article boils down to taking "hi, how are you?" as a serious question people would like you to answer unless you don't want to talk to the person in question, but assumes that if you ask them in return it won't lead to a substantive conversation (even though this implies that they weren't trying to open such a conversation when they asked you since they are turning down what they are supposed to consider such an invitation).
The WP thread "what's the right answer to 'how are you?' " seems to have reached a consensus in the opposite direction. |
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draelynn
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 25, 2011
Posts: 2304
Location: SE Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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| fragileclover wrote: | | I understand the point of small-talk, and its supposed importance in social interactions, but for me, when engaged in small talk, I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. It's honestly exhausting to try and maintain it for long, and I feel the most amazing sense of relief when it's over! |
^^^ THIS! |
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dank
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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I hate small talk. I only ever engage in conversations which are of interest, otherwise I simply have nothing to add.
When I try to engage in small talk, it's difficult to find something to say, and when I do, I force it out.
I feel like I have to conform to these social norm else be considered rude/arrogant as I have in the past. It seems people don't understand why I'd find small talk to be such an effort.
I wish people would forget silly questions, and if you've nothing interesting to say, then don't bother saying anything at all.
Of course "interesting" is subjective, bah. |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87192
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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Ann2011
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 16, 2011
Posts: 1514
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't get the point of small talk, but it seems important to others. I participate for as long as I can stand it (which isn't very long.) But I think it's necessary if you want to be polite. My contributions are usually repetitions of what other people have said as I have no original material to add. |
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CuriousKitten
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 20, 2012
Age: 53
Posts: 487
Location: Deep South USA
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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I can do OK if the person has pets. I start the conversation by asking how the pet is doing and let it roll from there. It helps that I'm a notorious critter person -- We currently pk 5 cats and my previous career was Animal Care Assistant at a primate sanctuary  |
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Mayel
Velociraptor
Joined: Jul 31, 2011
Posts: 440
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| Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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Although I try my best at small talk, which means I search my mind for things to say and respond to not appear rude, uninterested or weird,...I still fail all too often.
Just today, someone said to me "I can't help it, but my bag makes funny sounds" (as we were walking down the stairs) and I just smirked since I had no response to this, not one came to my mind.
I mean in my mind I think "yes, the bag sounds funny but that doesn't bother me and there's no one around who'd hear this anyway. So?"- I know if I'd say something like this it would be even more rude than not saying anything.
That's just one of a myriad of situations where I can't think of anything to say. I see the value in small talk but it's really difficult for me. It takes a lot of effort. It's like solving a difficult puzzle.
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