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JohnF12
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 29, 2012
Posts: 8
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 Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:12 pm Post subject: 21 year old Aspie failure in dating game? VERY depressed? |
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| I am so close to admitting myself into the hospital and you know which one I mean. I turn 22 in a few months and I really am getting depressed and hopeless. I live in freaking New York CITY(queens and I have a house in the suburbs well my parents do) and cannot find a girlfriend. I am not a bad looking guy, I am in decent shape, 5'11. I walk around all of the time, I go to stores, in the stores I am very friendly with both male and females clerks. I do not understand how it works? How do you meet a girl? How do you know what to do? How do you know this said girl wants to date YOU? I am a virgin, the only girlfriend I had was one when I was 10 and she kind of forced it on me. I am a social idiot, I have been told many times this or that girls like me. I am so lonely, I would love to have a girlfriend to share my life with. What do you do? I wish there was like some way someone could just be there and say "this girl likes you go for it" it is so frusturating. How do you know where to draw the line? I used to think several girls liked me but of course they were just being friendly and liked me as a "friend" how do you know the difference? I am so confused,depressed, low self esteem. I need help, advice. Do you guys think I should admit myself, I have already been in the hospital twice since turning 18. I cant take it anymore. I am unemployed, I have little friends and no girlfriend(that many of my friends have). It is so frusturating when all you hear or see is sex, love, and a man/woman holding hands. I am 21 and still a loser. |
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JohnF12
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 29, 2012
Posts: 8
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Also for some reason I am more comfortable around males than females and all of my friends are male. |
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Cubits
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 09, 2011
Age: 29
Posts: 32
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:26 pm Post subject: |
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Eventually things will fall into place for you.
I've been gainfully employed since i was 15, i've had my own place for nearly a decade, and I met my first girlfriend at 23. Before then, not even a kiss.
I understand your struggle, i was utterly alone and couldn't connect to any girl. Out of sheer luck, I ended up working every day with this girl whom happened to share some of my ridiculously obscure interests, and that was all the ammo i had to get to know her.
Through constant exposure to each other and these few things in common, she apparently eventually fell in love with me. After several "dates" which i thought were just two people seeing interesting museums, she planted one on ME (out of frustration because i hadn't noticed any hints). The rest is history: We've been together for five years, and i will marry that girl! 
So hang in there, miracles do happen! |
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Tim_Tex
Professor Hineybottom
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 41865
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to WP!
_________________
<<<=== This is not the devil, this is the Red Guy from Cow and Chicken. |
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Callista
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 04, 2006
Age: 30
Posts: 9935
Location: Central USA
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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Lots of us get married late. My mom's an Aspie and she was in her mid-thirties (I'm asexual so I don't count because I don't want to marry). Don't lose hope. Just get comfortable with females, make some female friends, learn what the differences are. There are surprisingly few, really; I'm a girl with mostly guy friends, and it's kind of interesting to me that they are not all that different from my female friends. They are much more different from each other than they are different on average from girls. Don't worry about dating right now, if it makes you so nervous. Just get to know some people. You've got time--don't rush it.
Oh, and stop calling yourself a loser. You don't deserve that. Anyway, some of the world's games aren't ones you want to win in the first place.
_________________
Engineering & Psychology student. Gamer. Christian. Asexual. Information Addict. Deal with it!
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com |
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Belushi87
Raven
Joined: May 26, 2011
Age: 25
Posts: 103
Location: Vancouver, British Columbia
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 2:52 am Post subject: |
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i know you mean, i am 24 years old and never had a boyfriend, i walk everywhere and i know guys notice me, but nobody comes up to me to talk.
_________________
www.jaymisworld.webs.com |
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cyberdad
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 22, 2011
Age: 45
Posts: 1711
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:08 am Post subject: Re: 21 year old Aspie failure in dating game? VERY depressed |
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| JohnF12 wrote: | | I am so close to admitting myself into the hospital and you know which one I mean. I turn 22 in a few months and I really am getting depressed and hopeless. I live in freaking New York CITY(queens and I have a house in the suburbs well my parents do) and cannot find a girlfriend. I am not a bad looking guy, I am in decent shape, 5'11. I walk around all of the time, I go to stores, in the stores I am very friendly with both male and females clerks. I do not understand how it works? How do you meet a girl? How do you know what to do? How do you know this said girl wants to date YOU? I am a virgin, the only girlfriend I had was one when I was 10 and she kind of forced it on me. I am a social idiot, I have been told many times this or that girls like me. I am so lonely, I would love to have a girlfriend to share my life with. What do you do? I wish there was like some way someone could just be there and say "this girl likes you go for it" it is so frusturating. How do you know where to draw the line? I used to think several girls liked me but of course they were just being friendly and liked me as a "friend" how do you know the difference? I am so confused,depressed, low self esteem. I need help, advice. Do you guys think I should admit myself, I have already been in the hospital twice since turning 18. I cant take it anymore. I am unemployed, I have little friends and no girlfriend(that many of my friends have). It is so frusturating when all you hear or see is sex, love, and a man/woman holding hands. I am 21 and still a loser. |
From somebody who was in your shoes for around 35 years a piece of advice.
- When you look for a girl with the intention of getting into a long term relationship it somehow never happens. Girls (at least NT ones) can smell fear and desperation a mile away. The law of averages dictates that an attractive girl already got at least 30 males interested in her and at least 2-5 males actively trying to get her attention. In my experience attractive girls would ignore me because there were better looking and more socially attractive men on the market.
I made the mistake of chasing average looking mousy girls who were shy and without boyfriends. Yes they did date me, but after a while they freak out when they see I am too eager to settle down! I was in a mode where I just wanted a G/F for the long haul. They wanted to get to know me first.
Eventually I settled for fat and ugly, unfortunately I freaked out when I saw myself in their eyes (not that I was fat or ugly but they were desperate just like me).
When I hit 35 I decided to hang myself with a celibate rope and ignored girls completely. Within a few months I was starting to get NT girls asking me for my phone number?? it was quite strange...before long I found one who wanted to get into a long term relationship.
My philosophy was this, if you try too hard and it ain't going to happen then it was never meant to be, when you aren't looking for it then it happens it means you are being judged a suitable B/F for who you are. |
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arko5
Raven
Joined: Jul 19, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 107
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:10 am Post subject: |
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I'm pretty much in the same situation dating-wise, yet to even hold someone else's hand. I had a girl asking for my phone number once using a fairly flimsy excuse...it took me 3 months to realise she might have been interested in me (I had an 'oh ****' moment, although I'm still not entirely confident about my interpretation). Honestly all you can do is laugh about it, I'm not actively looking for a girlfriend and if I ever meet someone I get along with I'll let things progress naturally. The crazy thing is I study psychology so there's a gender ratio of about 5:1 female:male.
The best thing is to just try and enjoy your own company, it'll help build confidence/self-esteem and in turn that can make you a more attractive prospect (in theory at least, not sure how well it's working on my end  )
_________________
Your Aspie score: 146 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 51 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie (confirmed w/ diagnosis) |
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houla
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Posts: 29
Location: USA
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 8:20 am Post subject: |
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I think it's good for people on the spectrum to try and meet people who share their special interests--I mean really share them (not just polite interest), because in those situations we can shine..
I met my husband when I was in my late 30s. I hadn't had much of a social life up to then, and outside of him I still don't. We met through work and discovered that we had complimentary skill sets and ways of thinking about things and shared the same somewhat obscure interests. We teamed up on a few projects and worked together over a couple of years. Because we are both obsessive about our work, we ended up being in contact pretty much 24/7 in order to complete projects. My 'oddities' never seemed to bother him and since we were such a good team it just made sense to marry. The thing is that if I had met him 'socially' it would never have worked.
Another thing, my 20s were really difficult for me. I was trying really hard to function in ways that were dependent on areas where I am naturally flawed, or really weak. It wasn't until I started putting a life together based on my strengths that I became happy, but I had to let go of a lot of other people's expectations (mainly those of my family). I really hope you find some happiness. There is no such thing as a loser.
_________________
Art is the imposing of a pattern on experience, and our aesthetic enjoyment is recognition of the pattern. ~ Alfred North Whitehead (1943) |
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Cornflake
Rattles when shaken
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 31606
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:00 am Post subject: |
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[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Love and Dating]
_________________
Giraffe: a ruminant with a view. |
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Jono
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 11, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 3000
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 9:30 am Post subject: Re: 21 year old Aspie failure in dating game? VERY depressed |
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| cyberdad wrote: | | JohnF12 wrote: | | I am so close to admitting myself into the hospital and you know which one I mean. I turn 22 in a few months and I really am getting depressed and hopeless. I live in freaking New York CITY(queens and I have a house in the suburbs well my parents do) and cannot find a girlfriend. I am not a bad looking guy, I am in decent shape, 5'11. I walk around all of the time, I go to stores, in the stores I am very friendly with both male and females clerks. I do not understand how it works? How do you meet a girl? How do you know what to do? How do you know this said girl wants to date YOU? I am a virgin, the only girlfriend I had was one when I was 10 and she kind of forced it on me. I am a social idiot, I have been told many times this or that girls like me. I am so lonely, I would love to have a girlfriend to share my life with. What do you do? I wish there was like some way someone could just be there and say "this girl likes you go for it" it is so frusturating. How do you know where to draw the line? I used to think several girls liked me but of course they were just being friendly and liked me as a "friend" how do you know the difference? I am so confused,depressed, low self esteem. I need help, advice. Do you guys think I should admit myself, I have already been in the hospital twice since turning 18. I cant take it anymore. I am unemployed, I have little friends and no girlfriend(that many of my friends have). It is so frusturating when all you hear or see is sex, love, and a man/woman holding hands. I am 21 and still a loser. |
From somebody who was in your shoes for around 35 years a piece of advice.
- When you look for a girl with the intention of getting into a long term relationship it somehow never happens. Girls (at least NT ones) can smell fear and desperation a mile away. The law of averages dictates that an attractive girl already got at least 30 males interested in her and at least 2-5 males actively trying to get her attention. In my experience attractive girls would ignore me because there were better looking and more socially attractive men on the market.
I made the mistake of chasing average looking mousy girls who were shy and without boyfriends. Yes they did date me, but after a while they freak out when they see I am too eager to settle down! I was in a mode where I just wanted a G/F for the long haul. They wanted to get to know me first.
Eventually I settled for fat and ugly, unfortunately I freaked out when I saw myself in their eyes (not that I was fat or ugly but they were desperate just like me).
When I hit 35 I decided to hang myself with a celibate rope and ignored girls completely. Within a few months I was starting to get NT girls asking me for my phone number?? it was quite strange...before long I found one who wanted to get into a long term relationship.
My philosophy was this, if you try too hard and it ain't going to happen then it was never meant to be, when you aren't looking for it then it happens it means you are being judged a suitable B/F for who you are. |
Hang on. Why should girls come running after you if they don't think you're interested in them. As someone with the opposite perspective, I wanted a GF but I wasn't actively looking for one, sometimes because I didn't know how to approach them but mostly because at the time I was more interested in academics, both in school as well as university. And no, girls did not come rushing to my door because I was not actively looking. In fact, I have never even had a single date until last year, at age 31, after I had put up a profile on OKCupid and it had been there for a few months.
Maybe what happened to you was that you wanted to settle down too quickly. Surely, the better advice there would be to take it more slowly rather than to stop looking. |
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scubasteve
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2009
Age: 28
Posts: 993
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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John, is there there someone you can talk to about this IRL? I would suggest seeing a therapist if you can afford to. The hospital should be an absolute last resort.
As for the girl issues... I've been there. Many of us have. It's one of the biggest issues that adults on the spectrum have to face. Expecting to be on the same level as everyone else in this regard is unrealistic. It's just not as natural for us as it is for NTs. Does that mean it's impossible? Of course not. There is nothing we can't learn. It just doesn't come naturally. Therefore, it takes longer... You're still young. Give it time. |
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lilbetta
Snowy Owl
Joined: Apr 10, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 153
Location: my own lil world
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Tim_Tex wrote: | | Welcome to WP! |
Lol i know right ur preaching to the choir (is that u spell it?) man! |
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PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2697
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think you need to go to the hospital... (though I dunno what admitting myself to the hospital even means... sounds like the one where they put a straight-jacket on you.)
Though I do suggest as a male that is of similar age to yourself is to change your mindset of thinking that depression will win over a girl... despite what the internet says. You could ask one of your female associates to help by explaining your situation and hearing their solutions.
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377
Sora: "My friends are my power."
Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me." |
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biribiri20
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 23, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 131
Location: New York
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, there! I'm 21 and I live in Queens too. If I was actually into relationships or something I wouldn't have minded meeting you but I can't really see myself getting into such things. Still, I wish you the best of luck and I feel it sad that you're thinking of admitting yourself once more because of such issues. It really is sad at how much priority is placed on having sex and relationships in our society. I personally think you should try to find a therapist to talk these matters over with. In my opinion, if I there was a guy I somehow decided to start dating, I would want him to be my friend first. Then again, judging from stories of my few NT female friends, they prefer when guys are aloof and flirt and play hard to get. There's something about love games that seem to turn them on. That being said, relationships can be hard for people like us. I have a cousin who isn't an aspie but has ADHD and he has trouble picking up girls because they find him to be too direct, loud and annoying, despite the fact that he's a sweet guy once you get to know him. I also agree that it would help to find someone who shares the same interests as you. Still, I hope things work out for you eventually. It's not over until you've given up.
_________________
I like making friends! Even if I'm not the best at it ^^;
Diagnosis: ADHD-PI, suspected AS
Your Aspie Score: 142 of 200, Your NT Score: 74 of 200, You are very likely an Aspie
AQ: 38/EQ: 16/SQ: 52
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