Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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 Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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| poeticwrongplanet wrote: | My goodness. My heart goes out to you. Your story touched me on so many levels. I even prayed for you with sincerity and I hope you'll get the strength to get through your situation.
There are many facets to your situation, but though this might seems as just a minor part of it, one thing that jumped out to me was you mentioned that he watches porn a lot. Now I don't want to jump to conclusions but in my effort to try and offer some help to you, I would recommend you to consider that he might be addicted to internet porn. This is a serious issue and I have no doubts that it plays a role in your husbands state of mind. You see, internet porn is kind of like the perfect drug, and our bodies have not been prepared for something so potent. People use it as an escape from pain, but while it momentarily provides that escape, it actually only adds to the pain we were trying to escape in the first place.
First of all, try to teach yourself about internet porn addiction, and then teach him. Aspies are great self learners so make this information available to him as well after you teach yourself a bit. There are websites like: npsupport.net, yourbrainonporn.com, and some excellent youtube videos such as this two part series:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tl7NAwOSgA&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSWaXise7dE&feature=relmfu
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As I said, your story has so many facets, and I really feel for you. If it turns out he is in fact addicted to internet porn, then I hope that making efforts in this one area would create a ripple effect in healing the other areas in your relationship. |
Thank you very much, both for your insights and the prayers! They are definitely appreciated!
(I must make one correction, though - he's not my husband, just my sweetheart of about 18 months now and my best friend for the last few years). He is most definitely addicted to inernet porn, which was the natural progression of his "pre-internet" porn addiction. (He has a lifetime subscription to Playboy, used to belong to a "porn video of the month" club - back in the days of VHS - and in the early internet porn days, even belonged to several porn message board sites. Sometimes he cringes when that comes up, due to the volume of his physical collections, as well as the rather vile nature of many of the discussions on those message board sites). Without a doubt, it has led to some significant problems in our relationship, especially when coupled with my own issues stemming from childhood sexual abuse. We're a match made in dysfunctional heaven!! 
I appreciate the resources and will definitely take the time to check out the links and the sites that you mentioned. Between those and the strategies my therapist has given me, perhaps I will be able to make some inroads with him and help gently ease him out of his addiction. One thing I know for sure, it's going to be a LONG, uphill battle, since his addiction goes back at least two decades. That's definitely not going to be undone overnight, but I made him a promise early on that come what may, I wasn't going to give up on him or us, so I'm in this for the long haul. |
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Silvervarg
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 773
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote: | | Silvervarg wrote: | As far as it goes for me, if I want to talk I talk, otherwise it's quite enough for the other person to just be there, for someone how has been alone most of the time, just having someone there is priceless.
Hope it works out for him, and that this blows over quickly (not that likley ^^), and whish him a happy birthday from us here.  |
Thank you. Yes, he definitely has his times when he more or less "shuts down." The hardest times for me are when I know there's something churning in his head but he's too ashamed to discuss it. He'll hang his head, refuse to make eye contact with me - it's awful. He's not just my sweetheart, he's my best friend. So, when he retreats into himself, I feel very inadequate and lost. I just have to wait it out until he's done processing. Hopefully, as you've said above, just my being there is enough. |
It sure as hell would be enough for basicly everyone here. ^^
| Quote: | Thank you for the positive thoughts and birthday wishes for him, too! Onward and upward, right?  |
Any time and always.
Edit: Ohh, and you can multi-quote so you don't have to post several times, just copy the text (Ctrl + C, or right click) and paste it (Ctrl + V or right click again) inside of a pair of , you have a short to them just left of the little earth above the typing field.
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AnonymousAnonymous
Is Not A Sociopath
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Age: 22
Posts: 22560
Location: Portland, Oregon
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| Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to Wrong Planet!
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Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat! |
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Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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| AnonymousAnonymous wrote: | | Welcome to Wrong Planet! |
Thank you! I'm very glad to have found this wonderful place!! |
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Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 8:51 am Post subject: |
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Argh... the drinking!!! I had the day off yesterday, so we went to the movies. He'd been on a serious bender the night before (and the night before, and the night before, etc.) and had a TERRIBLE case of the shakes!! We talked about it a bit [he brought it up, actually], but he tried to blow it off as "sitting too long" during the movie. The thing is, he was visibly shaking while standing and having a snack before the movie, too! I know he's still dealing with the loss of his job, but I need to find a way to reach him on this before it's too late. Since he's no longer working, he's hitting the liquor store every couple of days to keep "stocked up." I'm usually at work when that happens, so I can't stop him or run any kind of interference. I don't know what to do. I don't want to push him even further away, but I have to do something. His health isn't the best as it is, and with the almost 24/7 isolation now, coupled with the even heavier drinking, I'm seriously worried. Any thoughts on what I can do to help my Aspie man through this?? 
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Silvervarg
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 773
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 9:25 am Post subject: |
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| Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote: | | Argh... the drinking!!! I had the day off yesterday, so we went to the movies. He'd been on a serious bender the night before (and the night before, and the night before, etc.) and had a TERRIBLE case of the shakes!! We talked about it a bit [he brought it up, actually], but he tried to blow it off as "sitting too long" during the movie. The thing is, he was visibly shaking while standing and having a snack before the movie, too! I know he's still dealing with the loss of his job, but I need to find a way to reach him on this before it's too late. Since he's no longer working, he's hitting the liquor store every couple of days to keep "stocked up." I'm usually at work when that happens, so I can't stop him or run any kind of interference. I don't know what to do. I don't want to push him even further away, but I have to do something. His health isn't the best as it is, and with the almost 24/7 isolation now, coupled with the even heavier drinking, I'm seriously worried. Any thoughts on what I can do to help my Aspie man through this?? |
Is there anything he likes to do that is not inside?
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Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 9:36 am Post subject: |
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| Silvervarg wrote: | | Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote: | | Argh... the drinking!!! I had the day off yesterday, so we went to the movies. He'd been on a serious bender the night before (and the night before, and the night before, etc.) and had a TERRIBLE case of the shakes!! We talked about it a bit [he brought it up, actually], but he tried to blow it off as "sitting too long" during the movie. The thing is, he was visibly shaking while standing and having a snack before the movie, too! I know he's still dealing with the loss of his job, but I need to find a way to reach him on this before it's too late. Since he's no longer working, he's hitting the liquor store every couple of days to keep "stocked up." I'm usually at work when that happens, so I can't stop him or run any kind of interference. I don't know what to do. I don't want to push him even further away, but I have to do something. His health isn't the best as it is, and with the almost 24/7 isolation now, coupled with the even heavier drinking, I'm seriously worried. Any thoughts on what I can do to help my Aspie man through this?? |
Is there anything he likes to do that is not inside? |
Not at all. He's always been an isolationist, even from an early age, and the loss of his job has merely served to increase this. He only leaves his apartment when he needs to run an errand (groceries, liquor store, appointments). Getting him to go to the movies was enough of a challenge, but it was a movie he really wanted to see and I had passes/gift cards that got us in and provided us with snacks/drinks all for free, so he was definitely motivated. By the time we were headed home, though, he was fidgety, looking at his watch, drumming his fingers and couldn't wait to get back home, to his "comfort zone." I really don't know how to approach him on this without making him angry, further amplifying the guilt he's already feeling about his job, and/or pushing him away.
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Silvervarg
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 26, 2009
Posts: 773
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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Well I guess it's a dead give away that the best thing should be a new job, but I suspect it's not very easy to find a way to propose this.
As far as your actions towards him goes, just be around him without making any real fuzz about his situation, he might be questioning his worth and a good way of showing that you don't think that he has changed because of his job, is to act normaly. He will come around when he's ready, or when forced, but I don't really know anything about him, so I will not give advice on that.
Sorry for not being able to be more helpful, I'm in kind of a low end myself at the moment.
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Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Mon May 14, 2012 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Silvervarg wrote: | Well I guess it's a dead give away that the best thing should be a new job, but I suspect it's not very easy to find a way to propose this.
As far as your actions towards him goes, just be around him without making any real fuzz about his situation, he might be questioning his worth and a good way of showing that you don't think that he has changed because of his job, is to act normaly. He will come around when he's ready, or when forced, but I don't really know anything about him, so I will not give advice on that.
Sorry for not being able to be more helpful, I'm in kind of a low end myself at the moment. |
I appreciate the insight, and am sorry to hear you're having a rough go of it yourself. We're really struggling at the moment - since he's out of work, his porn addiction has just about become the center of his existence. I'm talking hours and hours, day and night. I've definitely gained some benefit from the resources poeticwrongplanet posted above, but trying to convince him to make a change is almost impossible. I'm already dealing with the loss of my mother (she passed away last Wednesday); the prospect of losing him, too, is sending me into my own tailspin. This, in turn, frustrates him because he sees me as being over-emotional and needy. Well, duh... it should serve to figure that I might actually NEED my sweetheart during this time, but he's in full Aspie mode and doesn't want to be needed. He wants to take solace in his booze, his porn and his solitude. I made the commitment not to give up on him/us, but I'm really beginning to wonder if we're just flat-out doomed and I'm doing myself more harm than good at this point.
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waitykatie
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 206
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| Posted: Mon May 14, 2012 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote: | | I'm already dealing with the loss of my mother (she passed away last Wednesday); the prospect of losing him, too, is sending me into my own tailspin. This, in turn, frustrates him because he sees me as being over-emotional and needy. Well, duh... it should serve to figure that I might actually NEED my sweetheart during this time, but he's in full Aspie mode and doesn't want to be needed. He wants to take solace in his booze, his porn and his solitude. I made the commitment not to give up on him/us, but I'm really beginning to wonder if we're just flat-out doomed and I'm doing myself more harm than good at this point. |
You are carrying multiple impossible burdens, holding the whole world together. I was there once too, and collapsed under the weight. Prioritize. You can't take care of anyone, if you don't take care of yourself first. A mother's passing is a singular event, so give yourself space to grieve. Forget the porn. The alcohol is a much more serious issue - THE issue, a medical issue - if he's having DTs. I can't advise you on how to handle it, but definitely find people who can help, and ask. You can't do all this on your own, and that's ok. No one is super-woman. Take care of yourself & good luck. |
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Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch
Hummingbird
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Mon May 14, 2012 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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| waitykatie wrote: | | Dr_Mrs_the_Monarch wrote: | | I'm already dealing with the loss of my mother (she passed away last Wednesday); the prospect of losing him, too, is sending me into my own tailspin. This, in turn, frustrates him because he sees me as being over-emotional and needy. Well, duh... it should serve to figure that I might actually NEED my sweetheart during this time, but he's in full Aspie mode and doesn't want to be needed. He wants to take solace in his booze, his porn and his solitude. I made the commitment not to give up on him/us, but I'm really beginning to wonder if we're just flat-out doomed and I'm doing myself more harm than good at this point. |
You are carrying multiple impossible burdens, holding the whole world together. I was there once too, and collapsed under the weight. Prioritize. You can't take care of anyone, if you don't take care of yourself first. A mother's passing is a singular event, so give yourself space to grieve. Forget the porn. The alcohol is a much more serious issue - THE issue, a medical issue - if he's having DTs. I can't advise you on how to handle it, but definitely find people who can help, and ask. You can't do all this on your own, and that's ok. No one is super-woman. Take care of yourself & good luck. |
Indeed, it does feel like the weight of the bulk of the world has fallen upon me. FWIW, it turns out the shaking was not DTs - it's something he's had for a long time now (and for whatever reason, I've never noticed it in the nearly six years I've known him). The drinking is still very much an issue, though, as is the porn - both seem to be pulling him further and further away from me. I've experienced quite a bit of pain in my life, but honestly, this set of events has just about done me in. I barely eat or sleep, and I'm guessing my focusing on him is made even more intense by my not wanting to process the death of my mother. He lost his own mother over a decade ago, and I know my mom's death is causing him to relive some of what he went through then. We're just a big bundle of mess right now, I suppose, and it's anyone's guess how we go about unraveling and finding each other once again.
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