Do you yell at your children?

BuyerBeware · Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 9:13 am Post subject:

Daddy yelled a lot. Between having the AS temper and being a coal miner (and thus half deaf), I don't even think he always knew he was yelling. DH says I'm yelling when I don't think I am.

Daddy also spanked. Rarely, and not after I was old enough to reason with, but he did spank.

Daddy said kids were a lot like dogs-- They needed consistent, simple rules; a loud, firm voice; an occasional whack when they got too far out of line; and a lot of playing with and petting or else they'd turn mean. His peers didn't care for him much. Kids, dogs, and old people flocked to him like metal filings to a magnet.

He also praised, and hugged, and made sure we sat in the rocker and made up after every fight we ever had. He would tell you that actions or behaviors were stupid, but he said it was very important to distinguish between the action/behavior and the person. He always said, "That was stupid." Never, "You are stupid."

I think Daddy did a good job. He certainly cleaned up the mess that my overpraising, hardly-ever-yelling, mostly-parenting-book-friendly Grandma made out of me. I felt more secure with his method of parenting than any other I experienced.

I know I turned out a lot more secure than my mother or her half-sister (both of whom my grandma raised-- she blames Grandpa's yelling and high anxiety and seldom-to-never praising-- and certainly NONE of his siblings and few of their kids turned out very well in my opinion-- but I'm not so sure it wasn't the combination of both).

My aunt and uncle on my dad's side yelled a lot, but they weren't so big on the hugs and making up, and frequently mocked their kids (and everyone else, too-- in fact, everyone else more; they're very mocking people, which is something I really hate about them). They're more confident than any of the kids on my mom's side, but definitely self-serving and lacking in compassion and human decency (for all they're very socially skillful, they use it in manipulative and destructive ways and are not very pro-social at all).

I've done both ways. I have yelled at my kids and spanked them (up to the point they get old enough to reason with). I have also done the no-yelling, no-corporal-punishment, redirect undesired behaviors, honey-sweet voice at all times schtick our current society seems to approve of.

I don't like it. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the parenting books, or all those honey-sweet mothers do something behind the scenes that I don't see or something. My kids don't like it. I don't know if they're AS or if they just weren't raised with it and therefore don't respond to it, but it gets no results (other than whiny, spoiled kids that don't mind and have to be nagged all day in a honey-sweet voice) and actually just seems to confuse them.

Lately I've gone back to yelling and swearing (in front of them, but not exactly at them-- I think there is a difference, but I don't know how to quantify it). I find I get less frustrated this way, have to spend less time nagging them this way, see more to praise them for, have more energy to joke and play, and end up enjoying my kids a lot more (and they seem to enjoy me, too).

I think I'm going to continue in this manner. I might try to cut out the swearing-- it doesn't seem to bother the kids (they just take it for granted and occasionally imitate me, which makes me cringe and feel guilty) but it does really bother regular people. Nobody's perfect, but I think this works best in our case. Because, the other morning, my 10-year-old daughter looked at me and said, out of the blue, "I'm glad you're back, Mom. I like you better this way." Both my little ones listen to me (most of the time, anyway, which isn't bad considering they're almost-5 and almost-3) now, and they don't seem to be afraid that I'm going to actually lose control of my temper (probably because, even though cuss words are just part of my f***ing vocabulary and I controlled-yell almost daily, it's been months now since I've really blown my top and screamed or said or done something I had to apologize for later).

I don't think it would work for everyone. All the NT chicks I know are horrified by my parenting. They don't understand why we seem get along so well when we're "obviously doing it all wrong." They say they don't think I like raising kids, or like my kids. That bothers me, because I enjoy it very much and I think they're wonderful (even though I don't carry on about it, because that behavior makes me want to barf). But I'm not raising THEM. I don't live with THEM. I am not THEIR mother, and THEY are not my kids.

I might just not get it because of AS, but it really seems to work for us. My kids say they're happy. They look happy. They act happy. Not all sunny-cheerful, what a lot of people think of as happy-- but content, secure, it's-OK-to-act-like-myself, I-feel-safe, relaxed, really truly actually happy. People who actually see up day in and day out, day after day, say we seem happy, that we fit together well and everything works. There's definitely a lot less reticence and screaming and fighting and hitting and biting and tears and lying and hiding and avoiding than there was when I was doing the honey-sweet thing.

Everything I'm told and everything I read says it's wrong, but everything I see says it's right for us.

For the OP-- Yeah, it sounds like the stuff your folks are doing is patently f**** up. I don't know how to quantify the difference, but it sounds f**** up to me. You can generally tell by looking at the mental state of the parents and that of the kids, and watching whether they seem to connect with each other or not. I really don't think there are any objective criteria you can use, but you can tell.
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I'm tired. I do not have sufficient strength remaining to persevere in the face of adversity. I accept myself as broken and conformity/compliance as the only acceptable existence. I give up.

What's on TV tonight??