waitykatie
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 206
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 Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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What hyperlexian said. Especially the part about concern over the potential stalking (or worse).
By no means am I recommending that you contact him, or how to handle things at all. However, one (possible, not guaranteed) way to reduce the risk of post-relationship stalking/craziness is to explain your reasons, exactly as you did here. Honest, simple, brief. "I was looking for companionship, not sex. You are looking for sex, not companionship. We have conflicting, incompatible needs, which makes this is totally wrong for me. I think you have many good qualities and I enjoyed the time we spent together. Nonetheless, I have to break it off now, and ask you to please not contact me again. I truly wish you the very best." The end.
Again, no guarantees. But I have dated a few loose cannons with checkered pasts, and ended contact in this manner. Respectful, compassionate, humane enough to give them a reason, but firm that they were not to contact me again. They all respected my wishes and left me alone (and in one case, I was surprised that he was able to control it).
One other comment.
| Quote: | | No one else would want a 50 year old unemployed ugly single virgin. I basically have to take the bottom feeders if I want anyone at all. |
No one has to take the bottom feeders - you only think you do, because you've defined yourself in such negative terms. Think of all the positive things you bring to the table, and stay focused on those. Maybe make a list, and keep adding to it. For example, you're 50 - not 85. You are creative - not a brain-dead zombie staring at TV all day. Your lack of need/want for sex may come as a huge relief to an older gentleman whose "equipment" doesn't work so well anymore, or whose libido has waned. Just be careful not to let a low self-image lead you into risky situations. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2548
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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Without being cruel, unless you are at the lowest level of self esteem that can possibly exist, or at the highest level of human naivety that could possibly exist, this topic shouldn't exist whatsoever. It's such a no brainer that it hurts ANY brainer.
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"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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Delphiki
Launchie
Joined: Apr 15, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1350
Location: My own version of reality
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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| JanuaryMan wrote: | | Without being cruel, unless you are at the lowest level of self esteem that can possibly exist, or at the highest level of human naivety that could possibly exist, this topic shouldn't exist whatsoever. It's such a no brainer that it hurts ANY brainer. |
I agree that this topic hurts peoples brains that are narrow minded, and have never done anything wrong
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Trolls exist! They steal your socks, but only the left ones. I wonder what is up with that? |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2548
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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I've done a lot of right and wrong things. From an AS OR an NT perspective, this topic is a no brainer.
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"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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Delphiki
Launchie
Joined: Apr 15, 2012
Age: 23
Posts: 1350
Location: My own version of reality
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| JanuaryMan wrote: | | I've done a lot of right and wrong things. From an AS OR an NT perspective, this topic is a no brainer. |
And why is that? Is it that once someone makes a mistake they are condemned forever?
_________________
Trolls exist! They steal your socks, but only the left ones. I wonder what is up with that? |
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Cornflake
Rattles when shaken
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 30544
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| JanuaryMan wrote: | | Without being cruel, unless you are at the lowest level of self esteem that can possibly exist, or at the highest level of human naivety that could possibly exist, this topic shouldn't exist whatsoever. It's such a no brainer that it hurts ANY brainer. |
Thanks for your input - but you said you were leaving this thread on Mon Apr 30 and you haven't posted since then.
I think you've already made your opinions clear and there seems little point in coming back to repeat what's been said.
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Giraffe: a ruminant with a view. |
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MeshugenahMama
Raven
Joined: Apr 29, 2012
Posts: 107
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| waitykatie wrote: | What hyperlexian said. Especially the part about concern over the potential stalking (or worse).
By no means am I recommending that you contact him, or how to handle things at all. However, one (possible, not guaranteed) way to reduce the risk of post-relationship stalking/craziness is to explain your reasons, exactly as you did here. Honest, simple, brief. "I was looking for companionship, not sex. You are looking for sex, not companionship. We have conflicting, incompatible needs, which makes this is totally wrong for me. I think you have many good qualities and I enjoyed the time we spent together. Nonetheless, I have to break it off now, and ask you to please not contact me again. I truly wish you the very best." The end.
Again, no guarantees. But I have dated a few loose cannons with checkered pasts, and ended contact in this manner. Respectful, compassionate, humane enough to give them a reason, but firm that they were not to contact me again. They all respected my wishes and left me alone (and in one case, I was surprised that he was able to control it).
One other comment.
| Quote: | | No one else would want a 50 year old unemployed ugly single virgin. I basically have to take the bottom feeders if I want anyone at all. |
No one has to take the bottom feeders - you only think you do, because you've defined yourself in such negative terms. Think of all the positive things you bring to the table, and stay focused on those. Maybe make a list, and keep adding to it. For example, you're 50 - not 85. You are creative - not a brain-dead zombie staring at TV all day. Your lack of need/want for sex may come as a huge relief to an older gentleman whose "equipment" doesn't work so well anymore, or whose libido has waned. Just be careful not to let a low self-image lead you into risky situations. |
I think this is great advice. I really like the quote of what to tell him for him to get the message if he continues to contact you. It's staight-forward but not insulting or offensive. I wish I was able to express myself that well. |
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Gita
Blue Jay
Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 82
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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| JanuaryMan wrote: | | Without being cruel, unless you are at the lowest level of self esteem that can possibly exist, or at the highest level of human naivety that could possibly exist, this topic shouldn't exist whatsoever. It's such a no brainer that it hurts ANY brainer. |
I don't understand why you decided to say this. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, at any rate.
It is very difficult for me to open up to anyone.
I have never had to break off a relationship because I am usually the one who is the dumpee. I am the one who never receives any more contact after one date. I thought that was normal. It's what everyone has always done to me.
I must just have bad luck with everyone I have ever met. The luck of the draw, I guess. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2548
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Gita,
I apologize for my outburst. It is just in my view that when you go looking for a partner you are selling your pride and dignity in the process. Even if you find someone by doing this you will never be happy. Have some standards (forgetting it's this particular guy for the moment) and not only will it make you feel better when you do go dating again, it will also make others feel like they have something to work for and ultimately achieve. It would strengthen any relationship you have in the future and will stop the users / abusers / weirdos seeing an easy ticket.
It's clear from your writing you are a nice, caring person and that you deserve better. You just have to believe this yourself for the good times to roll 
_________________
"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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Gita
Blue Jay
Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 82
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| Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 12:53 am Post subject: |
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Look, everyone. I hurt him. He trusted me and I hurt him. by deciding to avoid him. That is what I feel.
Yes, I like him. I just do not like sex. Sex is useless and I can't even have children so there is no reason to do it. I hate what he did to the child, and I will not respect him. I could if he was the old neighbor, but I cannot if he wants me to be his woman. I know there was a woman here who wrote that she did it just because she knew her mate would be happy to get it. I am not that way. I respect you, but I have better ways to spend my time on earth.
Thanks January man. You are probably a nice person too. |
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