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Psychohistorist
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 28, 2012
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:01 am Post subject: Every day thought of mine is suicide |
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Firstly, This is really hard things for me to explain to other people and really sorry for my bad english. I'm asian and I'm suffering from this everyday.
but that's not worse as I can't explain my emotion what I'm really feeling when I'm gonna get my psychologist? (did I call it right?) my feeling from depression is gone. but later in that hour or next wake I would feel the same.
When I did a little mistake I would be so guilt to myself that I did wrong, but when I have more things for me to feeling guilt already I would instantly considering of suicide. When I thinking of suicide and I can't just do it, I always feel guilt when I'm gonna commit suicide I feel that if I die how my family could live on? (My brother has Asperger /w Bipolar but we all both never meet with psychologist due to time and things to speak with him)
When I've done something that honour me (or whatever it is call) If it didn't the thing I like I would be guilt and shame, Like I don't deserve it.
Education System of Asian, the compettion as always even to get to the better school from middle school to high school it's made me so depress and mostly everyone in my class to get to the top high school they wanted they need to learn from tutor which I'm always hate it, each course like you bought 15 textbooks costs. for me I always give my own attention to reading with myself but it's always result as dead end, And homeworks made me hating to do anything else but not wanted to do nothing.
And in my social enviroment which everyone is rude so I have to concitrate to not feeling like being harmful, Public Speaking the most thing I hate in school like phobia when I have to come to everyone sight just like I'm being hurt. and Monday is the day that I have to speak with
This looks like mostly non sense to post here but it's my story and which I always feel I can't get it out from my mind so I have to try to speak it out loud. When I a, feeling like this it would put me instantly to tired and feel asleep. I also have problem with math (Tired and asleep when trying to solve it)
So what I am? (This is not the whole story just one of episode that I am suffering with)
And the music I always listen to [Time - Hans Zimmer] It made me more suicide feeling, I hate to live.
Next 8 Month till my entrance to high school which I couldn't pass I know it and there's gonna be suicide thinking like this to come more that I've wrote. Please help me diagnosis it. I feels guilt to speak like this.
Please note that I am in Asia and I use computer everyday so english that I could get is from my sense not grammar. |
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so_subtly_strange
Toucan
Joined: Jan 18, 2011
Age: 26
Posts: 293
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| Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 3:24 am Post subject: |
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Your english is not hard to understand so dont worry about that. Firstly i feel totally inadequate to offer advice, you live in a much more competitive environment than i have ever known. I feel i really cant know what you are going through, but i want to help in anyway i possibly can.
What is your special interest? I always recommend immersing yourself in what you enjoy most.
Also, dont listen to music that depresses you. Listen to something that empowers you. I went through what were hard times to me during high school, i feign to mention it because i am sure you are under a completely different class of pressure, that i would have totally collapsed under. But if you like music, music that lifted me up during my hard times were Avenged Sevenfold, Marilyn Manson, Tool . . . others. I dont know if you listen to that kind of stuff where you are from, but it couldnt hurt to give it a try. Now my musical taste is more diverse, some less harsh favorites are Led Zeppelin and Dave Matthews band. However for me personally, i like to listen to relaxing stuff, to promote when i am already in a somewhat positive mood. When i am really down, it paradoxically comforts me to listen to something really harsh and hardcore.
Let me know if you have any questions about what any of that means if it is confusing.
I want to offer strength to you in any way i can. I am working a 'graveyard' shift in the states, so i will be up all 'night', which may be day for you. It is usually pretty slow here at night. I'd be happy to talk to you here all night.
You are strong, dont give up on yourself. |
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Psychohistorist
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 28, 2012
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:14 am Post subject: |
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I feel desperate for learning and homeworks they give me,
my interest are Mathematics (Even I can't solve it I still believe in the truth of it) and Psychology (Such as Body Language)
Music: I like ost. such "Welcome to London" from Sherlock BBC, "Heart of Courage" "Day become Night" and all from Two Step From Hell
It means I don't listen much from song with lyrics
but in this moment I can't listen to it, it gives me hate it and then i suddenly turn to depresses song like "Lux Aeterna" or "Requiem for a dream", "Calamity - TSFH" which involve my story. I can't help but keep listen to it.
and for my brother he the same as me and suffer from the same thing I'm now it's like time machine in different person, right now he depresses cause can't entrance to university, or trying the other way.
I just don't know why this education system can move on or it just me that locked down in this system without way out but to survive and feel disappoint. |
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so_subtly_strange
Toucan
Joined: Jan 18, 2011
Age: 26
Posts: 293
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| Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:47 am Post subject: |
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i also am interested in math, though i am not particularly gifted in it. interesting things to study in math/ numbers are prime numbers & pi. Even the mathematicians dont really understand these things, so it is as we are on even ground. Of coarse they have noticed some patterns but from what i understand, anyone ability to identify unifying principles is rather feeble.
i also enjoy algebraic equations. story problems can sometimes be evil because i usually have a hard time understanding them, however the ones i can understand i feel very accomplished when i can solve them.
in the way of offering relief from your stresses, i wish i could help, but i fear i cannot. we come from different worlds, so im not sure i share many experiences that would have applicability to your life.
The best i can offer is to find a way to turn the cycle of anger to depression to the reverse direction. Not exactly turning to anger, but it is an energy that bears similarities, which energy you can take and transform into power and strength.
you have a 'darkness' in you. i think you are trying to attack/ approach it from the wrong direction. take it, kindle it. Turn it into your power.
another thing that brought me strength in my dark times, which i still carry with me, is witchcraft. dont get too hung up on that term though it can be misleading for what this means to me. however unfortunately i have not found a better term to identify the practice.
the principle is more or less this. there are unseen forces in the world. I am not meaning entities that can be empirically demonstrated, anyone who attempts this is fundamentally misappropriating the reason behind the unseen. these forces may be only in your head, but that does not make them any less real. the things inside your head can be in ways more real than that is outside of your skull.
depression for instance, this is not an object. foremost it is nothing more than a word. you use this word to identify patterns of electrical impulses inside your brain tissues, which have the emergent effect of causing you to have negative feelings which cause hindrance to your progression.
magic/ unseen energy is fundamental to the human condition. Every pre-civilization gathering of humans turns to a shaman, who has influences over the magical aspects of the world. It is a mistake that in the modern world we do not continue a form of this. The 'continuances' there are of magical workings are usually monetarily motivated perversions of the truth.
I infact see it as a work of 'black' magic that we do not see magic all around us, and most people have no relationship the spiritual realm. Which is ironically one of the simplest and most natural things you can do.
If this makes any shred of sense, or if you have any interest in what i am speaking about we can explore it further. If not i will drop this train of thought. |
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Psychohistorist
Emu Egg
Joined: Jan 28, 2012
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 5:27 am Post subject: |
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I think I already reverse it and it turns against back me again, I was once depressed like this for many moths which change my whole personality, I means from my happy/sad turn to anger everyday I'm taking it. But later that anger is just dropping cause of many things I can't handle myself and it's turns to more depress and depress, to what now I am. I cry almost everyday for no reason sometimes just because my brother depression it cause me to feel like I am him. or thinking what future we /family will suffer of fall with.
I think mostly Asia has the same concept of religion about thinking in mind, Such as Buddha. For me I of Buddha is the one who obsessed in mind of himself and law of nature which still remain unexplained in the deeper, He explained how life being, how normal things moving but not in how they really work. I don't know what to say I don't much study in this. I'm speaking this because I thought the same concept as you've said. It just all direction to future research and to explain more in science. (Actually I don't believe much in anything, and just curious if I died and there was nothing then why I have to still live? If died just died no more pain to suffer, Just kill my whole family so no one would suffer it.) [I didn't mean to stop all thought, sorry]
If back to right now, It's still the same I just cried no one would really ever hold me up from this position. Just like my brother.
For Mathematics I'm sick of it cause I tried so hard but it's still my fault I've never study in more 2 day then I feel tired with it that could explain why I still in the same position all the time. For my own diagnosis is Unipolar Disorder just that. |
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namaste
Enigmatic Charismatically Odd
Joined: Apr 15, 2011
Posts: 1882
Location: Hindustan
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| Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 2:34 am Post subject: |
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Namaste
If you are getting suicidal thoughts you probably need medications to get over the depression
and moodswings
Can you change your place of stay for some years maybe migrate to some place where people are not rude or
there is less competition
Also suicide is a criminal offence in india if you try to attempt suicide you could be put behind bars
so dont try that also it brings bad name..
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The only thing right in this wrong world is
WRONG PLANET |
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AnotherKind
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 15, 2011
Posts: 769
Location: Neverland
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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| namaste wrote: |
Also suicide is a criminal offence in india if you try to attempt suicide you could be put behind bars |
So lame.
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Agnostic atheist. Hardcore determinist. Misanthrope. Objectivist. INTP.
AS: 165, NT: 44 |
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iggy64
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 23, 2012
Posts: 410
Location: East England
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 2:31 am Post subject: |
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I feel completely powerless to help, but I can say that if it's not great right now, it will get better. It's how things work, you finish school, one way or another, and find an aspie friendly job.
Also, I also love the music you mentioned, I also didn't like lyrics for a long period of time, although I now listen to some lyric songs.
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Female, 16
Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are fruits. It takes wisdom to know not to put them in a fruit salad.
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AnotherKind
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 15, 2011
Posts: 769
Location: Neverland
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| Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 9:33 am Post subject: |
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Suicide is good sometimes but you should have really big balls to do this. I have thoughts of suicide too and i don't see it as a bad thing.
The only bad thing is the pain - but in my opinion everybody should have the right to decide whether they want to live or die.
Not trying to feed anybody's thoughts on this subject. It is just a point of view. We all die at some point and life isn't so easy for everybody
Sorry if i've offended or depressed somebody... if you have good lifes i'm happy for you.
_________________
Agnostic atheist. Hardcore determinist. Misanthrope. Objectivist. INTP.
AS: 165, NT: 44 |
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number2
Toucan
Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 288
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| Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 10:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Go skydiving it would help clear your mind. |
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