Brianruns10
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 849
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 Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 10:55 am Post subject: Making amends |
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I've felt guilt, for a long time, for failing to make things work and not being the kind of person women could love. So I'm writing some of my never-wases, and apologizing to them. I feel bad, because I know how embarrassed they must have been going on dates with me, seeing me, and wondering, "God, how sad. What possible chance does he think he has with me?" I feel guilt for inflicting myself upon them.
Worse still, I can't bear the thought of them thinking I'm so delusional as to think I was worthy of them. So in my apology I'll say, "Thanks for being nice and putting up with me. I know I'm not in your league, and I never had a chance. I just want you to know that even though I didn't have a chance, it was nice that you humored me. That says you're a really good person, and deserve a nice guy, better than me certainly."
I just can't bear the thought of anyone thinking ill of me, or not liking me. So yes, my apologies are probably pathetic and sad, but I'd like to be thought of that way, so long as they all at least find me a nice pathetic, sad guy. |
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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Most people have gone out on dates with someone that just didn't work out. That doesn't make them think ill of the other person. However, writing them an apology like that probably would. I really wouldn't do that if I were you. Not only would that make them think something was wrong mentally with you, if it gets around and you get a reputation for being like that, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
I'd seriously hold off on those types of apologies. They also come across as backhanded attempts to make the girl feel guilty for not hitting it off with you, whether it was meant that way or not. It's a very, very bad idea. Please don't do it.
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Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Don't waste your time. |
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Brianruns10
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 849
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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| already done. Look what you say is right. I'm doing it more for me. I just feel so terribly guilty, I just need to apologize so that I know that they know that I feel sorry. |
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jagatai
Idiot
Joined: Feb 22, 2010
Age: 48
Posts: 1312
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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I strongly agree with OliveOilMom in that sending letters like that would only make things worse. It might be useful to write out your feelings and keep it to yourself, but if you send them, the results can only be bad. It is quite likely that any women getting these letters would have a radically different opinion of you than you believe.
I have felt (and still feel) the way you do. I hate the fact that I have "inflicted" myself on women and every now and then, I feel like I ought to apologize. I have the good sense not to, but I still sometimes think I should. What I learned over the years, however, is that some of the women that were "out of my league," who I could "never hope to attract" actually found me appealing. My point is you may honestly believe that no one in the world could possibly love you or find you appealing, but you have to recognize that your perception of reality may have little relationship to actual reality.
I know this doesn't help change how you feel about yourself, but I think it is important to recognize that your perception of how others see you may be completely inaccurate and that you cannot rely on your "feelings." Frustrating as it may be, you may have to accept the fact that you are emotionally "blind" and whatever amends you might consider making are likely to be based on wholly inaccurate assumptions.
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Ring the bell that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering /
There is a crack, a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in.
(Anthem - Leonard Cohen) |
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SilkySifaka
Lemur
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1396
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 1:38 pm Post subject: |
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I don't even know you and I am not a very emotive person, but reading this made me sad.
Going on a date with someone isn't 'inflicting' yourself on them. They are free to leave at any time. You have not harmed them in any way. It's tragic that you have got such low self esteem and feel so guilty despite having done nothing wrong. There are men who go around raping women and feel not a scrap of shame or remorse.
I think there is a lot of wisdom in what Jagati said about perceptions versus reality. |
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jagatai
Idiot
Joined: Feb 22, 2010
Age: 48
Posts: 1312
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Brianruns10 wrote: | | already done. Look what you say is right. I'm doing it more for me. I just feel so terribly guilty, I just need to apologize so that I know that they know that I feel sorry. |
I don't want to kick you when you are feeling bad, but honestly, I suspect you are subconsciously sabotaging yourself so that you don't have to take the risk of having a deep relationship with a woman, but you still get to feel sorry for yourself. (I know, it's pretty harsh, but I've done enough of this sort of thing to recognize the behavior.) I understand feeling bad and reacting in a way that eases how bad you feel, but you must recognize that this sort of behavior will only make your situation worse.
While I sympathize with the pain you must feel, I am getting less sympathetic to your complaints because it is becoming clear that you are your own worst enemy. Until you have the self discipline to control how you behave when you feel bad, I don't see things getting better for you. I wish I could give you the maturity and self control that came from 30 years of learning from botched chances with women, but all I can do is offer a few words of advice. You are the one who has to do the work of learning how to be a better person.
I can only offer one rule of thumb that might help if you actually have the courage to accept it; "whatever behavior seems like a good idea and will make you feel better, don't do it." You obviously make exceptionally poor choices when it comes to how you relate to women so whatever seems like a good course of action at the time, wait a day or a week or a month. And then do the opposite of what you are inclined to do.
Good luck
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Ring the bell that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering /
There is a crack, a crack in everything / That's how the light gets in.
(Anthem - Leonard Cohen) |
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Brianruns10
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 849
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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But at heart i AM a good person. And I've got a lot of love to give, and it just breaks my up inside that no one wants to receive it. I just want what everyone has: someone to go walking with, to hold hands with, to talk to, who I like and who I know likes me.
I just never know what to do anymore? Every time, I try something different, but you never get feedback from a date, so how do I know how to change? I mean, I dress nicely, have good breath, I pay for everything, I smile, make eye contact, I listen and try not to monopolize the conversation. But no one wants to meet after one date.
I don't think I exude negativity, because honesty every first date I'm so happy and excited and nervous because I think this girl could be the one. It is only AFTER, when I don't see her again, that I get depressed and consider just killing myself already rather than to deal with one more weekend being alone. |
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Janissy
Phoenix
Joined: May 06, 2009
Age: 46
Posts: 4853
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Brianruns10 wrote: | | I don't think I exude negativity, because honesty every first date I'm so happy and excited and nervous because I think this girl could be the one. It is only AFTER, when I don't see her again, that I get depressed and consider just killing myself already rather than to deal with one more weekend being alone. |
This might be the core of the problem. Rather than negativity, you might be exuding desperation. It's a scary thing for a girl to think that a man might latch on to her and never, ever let go if she dares to go on a second date with him. If there is any way you can psyche yourself into a zen state of not caring one way or the other, you might get second (and third etc.) dates. Exuding either "this is a waste of time because all girls hate me" (which you are being careful not to exude) or "this is IT!! and I have found my one true love for sure this time" (which it sounds like your are exuding) will scare a girl off. An attitude of "just here for one evening of fun" would be more succesful but also pretty hard to fake. You need hypnosis or something so that you can go on a date with a more carefree attitude. |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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| They don't need to be told anything, they're in the past. Move on, they definitely have. |
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redrobin62
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 3839
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah. Don't contact them because they'll come to look at you as a stalker and a creep. Just move on. |
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Brianruns10
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Age: 29
Posts: 849
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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We don't keep in touch anyways, and I unfriended them all from facebook ages ago, because it was to hard to see them and forget my failure to make it work with them. And they'll never hear from me again. I just want them to know I'm sorry and feel guilty for not being good enough and wasting their time.
Someday it'll all be different. When I've made my masterpiece, I'll finally have earned forgiveness for all my past failures. Because no matter how big of a loser I was in the past, how poor I was, how awkward I was, when I've made a really great work of cinema art, people will finally see me for me, and realize that I just needed more time. They'll understand that I always meant well, that I was a little eccentric, but deep down had a really creative, passionate soul. Maybe one of them will even give me another shot. I'll be redeemed! But until then, they'lll at least know I was kind and apologetic and well meaning. |
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PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2697
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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| jagatai wrote: |
While I sympathize with the pain you must feel, I am getting less sympathetic to your complaints because it is becoming clear that you are your own worst enemy. Until you have the self discipline to control how you behave when you feel bad, I don't see things getting better for you. |
I am my own worst critic but I can control if and when I feel that bad.
I must have some form of discipline.
You can't expect the OP to be at your level of thought by tomorrow.
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www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377
Sora: "My friends are my power."
Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me." |
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bucephalus
LOVES the woman who loves the man who's out of spa
Joined: Jan 27, 2009
Age: 30
Posts: 1847
Location: with Hyperlexian
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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cue my fisking:
| Brianruns10 wrote: | | But at heart i AM a good person. And I've got a lot of love to give, |
I know you are, just from the text in this thread i can tell that. You mean well. You just need to learn how to sell it. No need for some fundamental personality transplant.
| Brianruns10 wrote: | | I'm so happy and excited and nervous because I think this girl could be the one |
don't do it. if she's the one, she's the one. Putting your thoughts into perspective and refusing to think that way on a first date won't stop her from being the one
| Brianruns10 wrote: | | It is only AFTER, when I don't see her again, that I get depressed and consider just killing myself already rather than to deal with one more weekend being alone. |
Let's spin it around. say one of those girls receives your letter and they interpret it exactly the way you meant it - the flattery - the good intentions - the humility. Then as a result decide that they are fundamentally cold-hearted and evil and consider just killing themselves already rather than to deal with one more weekend letting people down. You'l never know how close you were to that second date
| Brianruns10 wrote: | | Someday it'll all be different. When I've made my masterpiece |
I know it's a cliche but do focus on this. If you pull it off, you'll be the one turning people down for second dates. (then feel like an absolute **** for doing it :S)
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Brianruns10 wrote: | We don't keep in touch anyways, and I unfriended them all from facebook ages ago, because it was to hard to see them and forget my failure to make it work with them. And they'll never hear from me again. I just want them to know I'm sorry and feel guilty for not being good enough and wasting their time.
Someday it'll all be different. When I've made my masterpiece, I'll finally have earned forgiveness for all my past failures. Because no matter how big of a loser I was in the past, how poor I was, how awkward I was, when I've made a really great work of cinema art, people will finally see me for me, and realize that I just needed more time. They'll understand that I always meant well, that I was a little eccentric, but deep down had a really creative, passionate soul. Maybe one of them will even give me another shot. I'll be redeemed! But until then, they'lll at least know I was kind and apologetic and well meaning. |
It honestly sounds to me like you want to punish them in some way for not liking you. Maybe make them feel guilty or make them wish they had liked you, etc. That does not happen. The feeling they will feel once you send them those letters is relief at a near miss.
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Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
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