Merceile
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 04, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 35
Location: Switzerland
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 Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 2:53 pm Post subject: High school reunion |
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I just got invited to my 10 year highschool reunion. (well something similar, school system is a little diffrent here in Switzerland). Unfortunately it is already next week, I did not stay in contact with anyone and since I don't have a facebook account , people seemed to have had problems in locating me. 
I should really go I guess, but it is on such a short notice. I feel completely unprepared and quite scared. And I wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers untill my 22 birthday, so nobody knows what was wrong with me then. I just stood out, didn't have any friends.. I just don't want to go and stand on the sideline not talking to anybody like usually. I wasn't bullied or anything, actually I think everybody was quite likeable, I just could never connect. Which made it somehow worse, because I always really wanted to get along.
I also really don't know if I should simply tell people I have aspergers. I wouldn't know how many would understand or if it would make it easier or not. Has somebody been in a similar situation? |
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redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 4077
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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| I hated high school so much that the thought of even showing up at one of their reunions would be physically impossible. I didn't go to the prom and I barely got my picture in the yearbook. (I had to be talked into it). I missed the 10 year reunion, the 20 year reunion, the 30 year reunion...I graduated in 1980. Actually, I don't even know if they had reunions for those years. They probably did. If somehow I did get dragged to a reunion I'd tell them I have Asperger's. I'm sure many wouldn't understand or believe it, but luckily for me, I'll be spared that excruciatingly painful experience anyway. |
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Nascaireacht
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2012
Posts: 130
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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Yes - last week actually, but it was a 23 year reunion, so I suppose I had a bit more emotional distance from school than you have. I had very little warning, though - just a week. I went to the 10 yr reunion, but at that stage didn't know I had AS. At the 10 yr, and much more so at the 23 yr reunion, I found that some people who had really annoyed me in Secondary School (ages 12-1 had mellowed a bit, and weren't so obnoxious. I suppose we had all grown up a little by then. Like you, I wasn't really bullied - or not much, anyway.
I did have friends in school, but we were friends more because we were all a little on the sidelines of everything, than because we were natural best buddies. So I didn't really have anyone there to hang out with, because I never stayed in touch with any of them. Like you, I was afraid that I'd be on the sidelines again. But I remember enjoying myself quite a bit at the 10 yr (in my usual AS-on-the-edge-of-things way!). I really, really enjoyed the 23 yr one. I think on both occasions, I had a better handle on myself and who I really was than I had at school, and crucially, I didn't give a damn what they thought of me any more. I don't meet them ever, they can't tease me, they can't comment daily on my weirdness, they simply aren't significant any more. I keep in touch with real friends now, not people I am thrown into a class with because they happen to go to my school.
You might ask then why did I go to the 10th, if school was a difficult time of life for me, and those people aren't part of my life any more! Well, I suppose I went for a few reasons. Some of them might also be true for you, some mightn't. I went because there were a few people I was fond of (especially those who were also in the same primary school), and I wanted to know how they were. I don't want to be in regular touch with them, but am pleased to have some idea how life is for them. I went there to demonstrate to myself that the more obnoxious ones have no power over me any more, and I was an idiot to let them have that power in the first place. In fact, I found some of them were nicer than I remembered - maybe they had a hard time in school too, and were acting out for some reason at the time, and I was an easy target. I was pleased to see I was looking younger than some of them (juvenile of me, I know!). Quite a few were more successful than me, but not all, but the thing is, I could control what they knew about me better than when we were all in school. It gave me a little perspective to see that, yes, I was getting on rather well, when I thought about it.
It was a lot better again at the 23 yr, but in the end, I didn't tell anyone about my AS. I did mention my 2 sons being diagnosed, and found that others had other situations with their kids, which was nice - we could just talk as normal parents do. I didn't feel the need to explain my own AS to them, though. I hadn't ruled it out when I went there, but it just didn't come up. I guess it wasn't important enough, as no-one seemed to care any more if I was weird, I'm better at social things than I used to be, I'm happy just not participating and watching people, and everybody's ego seems to have lessened!
In your situation, I'd like to say that a 10th IS harder than a 23rd, but if you go in with the right perspective, you may enjoy it. Think carefully about it - in the last 10 yrs you have made the big achievement of really knowing yourself, and understanding yourself. You did it pretty quickly too, if you were diagnosed at 22 (I'm 41 and not yet assessed - waiting in a list at the moment, but I've no doubts what the diagnosis will be), so you've had a few years to adjust. So if you walked in there, you'd know in your heart that you're probably a lot more self-aware than many of them. Many of them will have had problems of some sort in that time, and be wondering if they'll find it hard to be there, just like you. Part of me wishes I had told them, because I think it would have made some sense to them how I behaved in school. I think maybe it would have helped me to reconnect to them in a way I never really did in school. But it doesn't really matter, since they don't figure in my life anyway. I suppose I wish I had known when I was there. Remember that the usual cliques are out of their usual habits of hanging out together, and the sidelines aren't quite as well-defined as they were when you were standing there on your own.
This was a bit rambling, sorry. I hope it's of some use to you. Good luck in deciding what to do. If you weren't bullied, and think some of them would be sympathetic, I would go right ahead and tell them. I think if I had stayed at the venue for longer, I'd probably have told some of them. After all, you can always choose just to tell the ones you think are most sympathetic. I know I'd have been sorry to miss either the 10th or the 23rd. |
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Ynnep
Snowy Owl
Joined: Aug 21, 2011
Posts: 150
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm 43 and the thought of attending a reunion makes me recoil in horror. From the outside my schoole experience doesn't look bad, I didn't get bullied much (or perhaps I was oblivious) and I did okay. But from the inside it was sheer unadulterated hell. I hold no animosity to any of the people that I went to school with at all, in fact I don't remember many of them. I just don't care and I don't want to be reminded of how I felt for those 12 long, torturous years. |
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Princess78
Sea Gull
Joined: Aug 28, 2009
Age: 34
Posts: 210
Location: Massachusetts, or in a cottage with seven little men
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 6:35 pm Post subject: High school reunion |
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| I had a bad time in high school, so I didn't go to mine. But as for disclosure of your Asperger's, that's really up to you. How comfortable are you with telling people that you have it? That's not something I usually tell people, except on a need-to-know basis. It's especially not something I tell people I haven't seen in a long time. When I bump into someone I haven't seen since high school, I just ask how they are and what they've been up to. That's what most people do when they see someone they haven't seen in a long time. |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 6:45 pm Post subject: High school reunion |
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| I am in my 50s and have never been to any of the reunions, and never wanted to go. There is no law that says you have to go to any of them. Only go if you want to go. As for telling every one about your Asperger's, that should be on a need to know basis. If someone doesn't need to know, don't tell them. There is no law that says you have to reveal every detail of your life to every body. And there are good reasons not to. Personal ID info, financial, medical, and personal info should be kept confidential, except when someone needs to know a particular piece of info. Sharing this confidential info with the entire world won't make everybody like you, but it can set you up to be taken advantage of. Remember--need to know basis. |
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Merceile
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 04, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 35
Location: Switzerland
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| Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 7:55 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your answers.
Well obviously I do not want to go. But to be honest I don't go out at all lately. I kind of lost all 'friends' I had with my last breakup (whitch was a while ago), they were more his friends than mine, but I never had a close friend in my life anyway, so that is nothing new.
I only started lately to be more honest about my aspergers, that means on one hand I don't try too hard anymore to pass for NT and I started to tell a few people, a Prof, a fellow student who had to work on a paper with me, a coworker.. That went actually quite well, I was lucky however, because these people had an idea what aspergers was. And anyway, they weren't close to me so a negative response wouldn't have bothered me (much).
So on one hand I really should go out more and they are actually nice people and they at least already know that I am somewhat odd so I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to try. I also somehow feel the urge to explain myself to some of them, I mean some might have suffered a little whenever they had to work with me in class, or the ones sitting next to me. I kind of want to tell them I wasn't lazy, antisocial or had my head in the clouds.. I have been told I come across as arrogant, as if thinking I was something better. Probably because I missed too many social clues..
Unfortunately I'm so nervous about that bloody reunion I know it's going to be a desaster, simply because I'll be too scared to talk to anyone. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down untill next saturday. If I don't get myself together I'm going to feel like such a failure again.. |
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rosewood
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 10, 2012
Posts: 40
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon May 07, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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At least you have been invited to a reunion. I left school over 40 years ago but have been made aware that I would be unwelcome in any reunion. This is not because of my aspie traits but because when I was at school I ran a clandestine espionage and sabotage operation to undermine the (then particularly nasty) headmaster. It was rather successful and when, two years after I left, the headmaster died, his replacement was a much more liberal and humane man, who changed the character of the school from a traditional, stuffy English public school to a much more progressive institution.
The clandestine campaign had destroyed the old headmaster's reputation for strict discipline and made him look incompetent to the school governors. When they appointed the new head, they decided it was time for someone with a more modern approach. It was very good for the school - but they never forgave me for all the trouble I caused ... or more particularly for all the trouble that they knew *but could not prove* I had caused.
A few years ago I did an interview for the BBC on a radio programme about militant school students in London in the late 1960s and early 1970s. In that interview I described one of our plans to destroy rifles in the school's army cadet force armoury. The BBC and I agreed that it was still so sensitive that neither I nor my school should be named!
... so, be pleased that you were invited, go and enjoy it ... I'm sure you will ...
_________________
AQ 43, EQ 9, SQ 117, Aspie 153 /200, NT 56/200, Mind in the Eyes 23, BAP: aloof 121, rigid 99, pragmatic 90, diagnosis 8 |
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Merceile
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 04, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 35
Location: Switzerland
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 9:28 am Post subject: |
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Well I guess it wasn't too bad. There were around 50 people of the 67 that graduated with me in my high school. I hardly talked to people from my actual class, because they intimidate me somehow a lot more. But the parallel classes, the nerds some exchange student were quite ok. At least I was only half of the time sitting around not beeing included in a conversation, so thats positive.
However I really could have done without the hugging and the kissing. In Switzerland old friends often greet each other by giving each other 3 kisses on the cheeks (left-right-left) while either shaking hands or hugging. I guess that's a cultural thing.. but I never expectet so many greetig me that way. It was rather akward.
Well mostly I'm happy I had the courage to go in the first place, that's always a win |
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Nascaireacht
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 11, 2012
Posts: 130
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 11:18 am Post subject: |
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| I'm so glad it worked out for you in the end! |
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Psygirl6
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 28, 2009
Age: 34
Posts: 346
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I am going to my 15 year reunion, graduated high school in 1997. I just keep that information to myself. Only because I was popular, in honors classes, and I was able to hide it. But that is just me. Instead, I just tell them all of my accomplishments. Also, though I am single, I just tell them I have not found the right person, yet. Many of your classmates are bound to have been divorced or even still single. In the U.S. with the bad economy, many of them probably are not working either. That is what made it easy for me at my 10 year reunion 5 years ago. Reunions are fun. Plus the best part is seeing how everyone has "Aged" since high school or the last time you have seen them. You may even rekindle some friendships(or a romance) and get to hang out like you did during the old times. |
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redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 4077
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Tue May 15, 2012 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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I was actually pretty smart in HS. They called me Brainy Smurf. I was supposed to have been a doctor or lawyer or engineer or astronaut. Now that I'm relatively nothing they'd be sorely disappointed and interrogate me about why I'm a failure. The only way to get me to a reunion is to pry my doorknob from my cold lifeless fingers.  |
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