| Is planning ONLY ok if you made the plans? |
| Yes, I like to make the plans |
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48% |
[ 15 ] |
| No, other people's plans are ok |
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16% |
[ 5 ] |
| Sometimes yes, sometimes no |
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35% |
[ 11 ] |
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| Total Votes : 31 |
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his_mom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 06, 2012
Posts: 22
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 Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 12:22 pm Post subject: Is planning ONLY ok if you made the plans? |
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I just read the thread regarding what you hate about NTs and saw that one of the things was the "lack of planning" or not adhering to a plan.
As an NT to my adult son with AS, I am a bit confused. I ask questions best by actual example, so here goes:
Every year, I have planned a family vacation to Catalina Island in the summer. Every year I also reserve my sons their own each individual condo because I knew that 1.) at their age, they did not want to spend it rooming with their mom and 2.) my son with AS needed his alone time and privacy during the vacation. But because Catalina is a very busy place during the summer, I would always make reservations for the activities which we would be participating in (ie - chartering a fishing boat, zip-lining, excursions, barbeques, etc). This had been going on for years until 3 years ago when my son with AS finally told me that, although he enjoyed going on the trip, he HATED that I made plans for everything and my planning would just stress him out.
I still plan activities, however, now simply let them know that we have reservations made for this or that and if they would like to participate, we would be here or there at a certain time. If they decided not to come, that was fine with us. This has proven to be a very successful way of handling my "planning" of activities and everyone is much more relaxed and happy.
So, my question is this: Is planning ok ONLY when you make the plans?? |
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Verdandi
Miss Kitty Fantastico
Joined: Dec 08, 2010
Posts: 10193
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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I am fine with plans from anyone, as long as I know them in advance.
What I dislike is when, for example, someone asks me if I want to go out to lunch with them. But then after lunch, they want to stop at some stores and look around. I only planned for the lunch and I will at the very least have a lot of frustration and anxiety about this. |
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CyclopsSummers
tunnel visionary
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 1902
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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I am going to give an uncharacteristically short answer today and say: sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's not so much that I care about whether I or someone else made the plan, it's more that, whatever the plan is, I want to adhere to it. If I made the plan, I wish to follow it through to the end, if someone else made the plan, I want to follow it as well. I'm currently in the process of trying to learn how too be a lot less rigid and a lot more flexible with regard to this.
_________________
clarity of thought before rashness of action |
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enrico_dandolo
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 21, 2011
Posts: 866
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Other people's plans are always strange, imprecise. More to the point, they are not mine. The only way I can cope with them is by not caring what happens (this happens often). |
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btbnnyr
Rabbit In Cat's Clothing
Joined: May 19, 2011
Posts: 3112
Location: Lost Angleles Carmen Santiago
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 12:55 pm Post subject: |
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I am OK with others making plans and me following along. Ackshuly, I would rather have others make my plans for me than me have to make my own plans. I do not enjoy making plans, and I am not good at making plans. Making plans for vacation activities would stress me out a lot.
For me, it is the changes in the plans that are not good. The most hated changes are the ones that involve prolonging an activity beyond its planned length. Let's go to another store and another store and another store on our shopping trip. Let's visit this unplanned place to spend an unplanned hour in this unplanned place doing unplanned things. These are my problems with plans. When I am doing things with others, I like the things to end when they are planned to end, because I can only handle a certain amount of others and the world before my brain goes fry-fry. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4906
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| The short answer is, Yes. |
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bnky
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 20, 2011
Posts: 479
Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:10 pm Post subject: |
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I find that sort of situation easier if i've bought into the plan.
Would it be possible for you to include him in the plan making? |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4906
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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Does your son specifically have his own room? It helps me a whole lot knowing that a have a refuge available.
Maybe you could ask your son if he would like, for example, to be the one who plans the zip-lining? |
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his_mom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 06, 2012
Posts: 22
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:17 pm Post subject: |
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| bnky wrote: | I find that sort of situation easier if i've bought into the plan.
Would it be possible for you to include him in the plan making? |
I certainly would love for him to make any of the plans, especially if it was for something that he would enjoy doing.
Unfortunately, much of his time is spent in his room or on the patio, just relaxing. He will bring multiple items from his home to use in his condo (computers, musical equipment, etc). He always brings along a friend, so I think that he waits for his friend to motivate him to go on certain events which I have planned. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 27, 2009
Age: 50
Posts: 4906
Location: Houston, Texas
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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That sounds on the positive side that he brings a friend along.
If there are one or two events you most want you son to attend, maybe you could just tell him this. (some 'obvious' stuff is not obvious to us and that's the zen of it all! we still do care about others) |
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his_mom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 06, 2012
Posts: 22
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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| AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote: | Does your son specifically have his own room? It helps me a whole lot knowing that a have a refuge available.
Maybe you could ask your son if he would like, for example, to be the one who plans the zip-lining? |
Yes. I always get each son a 2 bedroom condo which consists of the 2 bedrooms each with their own bathrooms (my son also has what appears to be IBS), living room and kitchens. All fully equipped.
He loves having his own condo to get away from the rest of us whenever he wishes to.
I always ask him if he would like to plan an activity and he seems somewhat indifferent. That's not to say that he doesn't enjoy those activities which he participates in though. Most all of the times he does enjoy getting out. Just getting him to go would prove difficult. So now he simply chooses which activity he wants to go on. |
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his_mom
Hummingbird
Joined: May 06, 2012
Posts: 22
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:29 pm Post subject: |
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| AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote: | That sounds on the positive side that he brings a friend along.
If there are one or two events you most want you son to attend, maybe you could just tell him this. (some 'obvious' stuff is not obvious to us and that's the zen of it all! we still do care about others) |
Thank you for this.
I am learning that you are absolutely right about 'caring about others'. Until recently learning about AS, I had begun to believe that he didn't care about me. Now, I just want to learn more so that I can understand and not always apply my "NT thinking" about his actions and/or reactions.
This forum (and everyone here) has helped me tremendously. I know that my son will also visit here from time to time since learning about WrongPlanet. |
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Colinn
Majestic Phoenix
Joined: Apr 08, 2012
Posts: 2191
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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| For me personally, I don't mind if someone makes a plan providing I have no conflicts with it and I know in advance. I can't stand being invited out to places at the last minute on the day its actually happening. I like to prepare mentally for doing things, anything spur of the moment just makes me feel anxious and annoyed. |
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questor
Hermit
Joined: Apr 24, 2011
Posts: 1983
Location: Twilight Zone
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 2:57 pm Post subject: Planning |
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| I prefer to make my own plans, but can occasionally handle plans by others if I know well in advance. They had better not make any major changes without letting me know, though. I tend not to like to go along with the plans of others, though, due to my health issues. Due to sleep apnea and IBS I have a very irregular sleep/wake schedule, so it is very difficult to handle rigidly scheduled activities of any kind. I am usually too tired to go any where, and I suffer from usually only getting about 4-6 hours of sleep at a time, so I often have to go back to sleep after a meal and a bathroom break. My IBS keeps me in the bathroom a lot, so it is difficult to be ready by a specific time. Because of this I prefer to make my own flexible plans, that allow me to make changes based on how much sleep I've had, and how long I had to use the toilet, and by whether I can be ready in time to go to the desired destination long enough before they close to get anything done there. If things don't come together right, then I can just stay home and do stuff here or go back to bed to try to get some more sleep. |
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FishStickNick
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 05, 2012
Posts: 957
Location: My own head
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I have no problem with others planning activities; just tell me what's going on and what you need me to do, and give me some advance notice. Sudden change of plans don't always go over well with me. If something takes longer than planned or happens later than planned, it can really aggravate me, especially if I was going to do something afterward. |
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