Halligeninseln
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 23, 2011
Age: 59
Posts: 380
Location: Central Europe
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 Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 6:58 am Post subject: |
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| A situation came up recently which illustrates the problem for me. I am in a long-term relationship and I am not looking to meet anyone else. However, the not too young and not too old receptionist at a company I go to looks really sweet and sits in a completely empty, huge reception area looking lost. I always think when I am there "if I didn't have a partner I'd really like to get to know this person, but because I have a partner I mustn't because that could lead to problems" . I never talk to her beyond the few words needed to find out where I need to go each time but we interact in a slightly different way in terms of some kind of subtle cues compared to how I normally interact with receptionists. I think she is flirting with me and that I am flirting with her, but I'm not sure. On one of my recent visits she kind of winked in a super-friendly way with both eyes, which I suppose may have been to show liking. On another occasion when she said "bye" to me in English out of the blue as I was leaving the building I couldn't work out how to open the glass doors to get out of the building although I have been going there for a long time. It was really embarrassing. The reason I couldn't open the doors was because she had distracted me at exactly the moment I was going to open the door and I had to work out how the doors opened because my automatic-pilot had been thrown off track by having to respond to this "bye" which came out of nowhere. I looked really helpless and confused, which may have given the unintentional signal that I was shy and interested, but really I don't want to "chat up" this person because I have a partner and it wouldn't be appropriate in my scheme of things to chat up other women. If I didn't like her it would be ok to chat but because I do it isn't, if that makes sense. Anyway, the whole thing could simply be completely imagined on my part. When I was young this kind of thing was even worse. At least now I'm sort of half getting some idea of what things might mean what even if I don't know whether it does actually mean anything in reality. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 9:32 am Post subject: |
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| I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse with age. I just haven't been able to keep up with changing social cues as others age. It feels like whenever I finally manage to catch up, by the time I get there, everyone else has moved on and switched to a whole new social language. |
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Robdemanc
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2010
Posts: 2320
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 2:01 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't think I have got better. In fact it was only 2 years ago that I found out what is meant by 'social cue' and that they even existed. |
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TPalmerG
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:03 pm Post subject: This is me. |
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| I'm new here, today is day one. Blind to social cues. Yes. I know a woman is interested when she takes the lead. Worked okay when I was younger. But at 49 I am not into the bar scene anymore - not as good looking as I once was either! Anyone know where we go to study up on these non-verbal social cues and body language? |
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SpiritBlooms
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 15, 2009
Posts: 1024
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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No, not really. I think experience helps you learn them, but it doesn't make you better at picking up on them. I'm sure there are still a lot of social cues that I'm totally oblivious to.
I'm in my 50s and I'm a lot more socially skilled now than I was as a teen, but ... it's WORK. I also sort of hate my social persona. It fools people too well, so they don't really know me at all, or how hard I'm working to be just a little bit social.
It's like living in a foreign country, needing to be fluent in a second language. You never understand all the idioms because you didn't grow up with them. When you're tired your brain doesn't want to do all that translating.
I'm an extreme introvert, and can get overwhelmed, and that makes me really stupid and clueless socially when that happens. I still can only take social situations well if they aren't a surprise and if I don't hang around long.
The strength of age is that you get to know yourself better and what to expect from yourself and where to draw the line. Not that I always do draw the line when I should, but now I know better than to think I'm going to be able to handle something the same way as everyone else. |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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I'm 32, and my wife sometimes tells me out of the blue; "That girl really flirted with you."
..and sometimes I have noticed(yes, I have noticed a pattern in behaviour!) when we are in a store or similar my wife will suddenly come up to me and give me a hug and a kiss. This is not normal behaviour for us while shopping, so I take notice of this, and more often than not, there is an attractive woman in the store at that time. If said woman has flirted with me, or if my wife does it to mark her territory, I do not know, but I have noticed a pattern atleast.
..what was the question again? I seem to have rambled on.
_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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peterd
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2006
Age: 60
Posts: 1189
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 7:57 am Post subject: |
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Like someone said - it's work. Not only that, but I'm not equipped to know whether I'm doing it well or badly.
Knowing about autism is part of the solution, but there's a great big missing piece: everyone who's normal either takes an instant dislike to me or they ignore me. I can't get past that, so - based on long experience - I give up. |
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Nier
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 12, 2010
Posts: 348
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 9:03 am Post subject: |
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I find truth in Spiritblooms answer.
I get better at recognising situations that require a different response to my usual, innate reaction.
E.g. friends / colleagues asking me how I am - if they are busy then they probably don't want a long interaction, they just want to show me friendliness or politeness, so a short answer from me is required, with a reciprocal enquiry (use a non commital answer if you feel rubbish but can't lie that quickly).
My return 'how are you?' is always a bit forced but am getting better at it, not that I don't care, just that it doesn't come naturally. That sort of thing improves with time & practice, though is still a foreign language.
Remembering their partners/kids names so I can make sense of conversations - well, that's taken years to get right  If I move jobs, I hope it doesn't take so long next time!
I also have become more patient with small talk, instead of dismissing it as irrelevant I can recognise it as the means to build familiarity, trust & 'test the water' for further interactions. That said, my limit can still be exceeded or the tolerance levels be low on some days, so I need to know how *I* am feeling too, so I can adapt my response or excuse accordingly without being rude.
The strange thing is I can see myself in some youngsters who I interact with, who have poor social & comms skills, and it is very strange to have that reflection on what it must have been like to deal with me a while back...but it helps me to help them. |
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