SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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 Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 6:21 pm Post subject: Hello! :) |
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My name is Sarah, I'm 24 and I'm totally new, to everything - this forum, autism/Aspergers... everything. I am not autistic, but someone very close to me is.
I joined today because my friend/love interest was diagnosed as a child (he's 31 now), and I am trying to understand this part of him better. He is my friend first and foremost, but my romantic feelings for him are pretty intense and came over me pretty quickly. He knows and is trying to open up to me, but as you can imagine he is having a bit of a rough time with it just because it is hard for him to connect so deeply to another person and he is used to being alone & misunderstood.
I'm very patient with him and sensitive to his feelings, but I feel like I should/could be doing more, or maybe doing less - I don't know!  I have never had such a close relationship with someone on the spectrum before, so I'm in uncharted waters here. I'm hopeful that by joining this community & reaching out to you guys, I can gain more insight and understanding which will, in turn, help me be a better friend/partner to him.
Thanks for reading! |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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Hello SluvsK. Welcome to WP.
One thing I would recommend is to try not to be either a) too accommodating (i.e. treating plain unpleasant behaviour as part of his autism) and b) treat him as simply a collection of symptoms. I know that the second one might well not apply to you but I've had people treat me like that before and it gets on my wick after a time.
I'm elated that you want to learn more about him though and his condition - kudos, and if only more lassies were this understanding!  |
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SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for the welcome and the advice, Tequila. I appreciate any and all advice! Anyone that's reading, please feel free to give me any tips or relate any information that you feel might be helpful.
I realize that he's a human being, first and foremost, and not just a diagnosis, but he is unlike any other person that I've ever known. I feel that the better I understand his condition, the better I can understand his quirks & the things that he can't explain to me very well (though he does try). |
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TenPencePiece
Curiosity Killed the Cone
Joined: Dec 12, 2009
Age: 18
Posts: 43927
Location: Greater Manchester, United Kingdom
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome!
_________________
Ten's radio show: Next repeated at 1am BST Saturday at www.ldok.net
My site: www.thinking-different.com
Skype: fiftypencepiece (ConeFool) |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| SluvsK wrote: | | I appreciate any and all advice! |
I thought for one moment you were going to call my post "constructive".
| SluvsK wrote: | | I realize that he's a human being, first and foremost, and not just a diagnosis, but he is unlike any other person that I've ever known. |
Have you known other people with autism/Asperger's? Just as a matter of interest.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I feel that the better I understand his condition, the better I can understand his quirks & the things that he can't explain to me very well (though he does try). |
It's probably worth mentioning that different autistic people can respond to things in different ways. So why you might get a decent enough understanding of the condition, it's how he himself responds to things that is important. Some autistics cannot tolerate loud noise and completely freak out, some can if they can control the loud noise whereas yet others go to rock concerts! That's just one example.
Would you like to elaborate a little more on your boyfriend? Have you asked him if he would like to become a member here? In large part, we're a forum for people with Asperger's/autism rather than 'parents of' people who have the condition, though there is that element here (and very welcome it is too)!
Just some thoughts. |
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AnonymousAnonymous
Is Not A Sociopath
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Age: 22
Posts: 22560
Location: Portland, Oregon
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to Wrong Planet!
_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat! |
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SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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Deleted
Last edited by SluvsK on Wed May 23, 2012 6:14 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll answer this tomorrow if that's OK Sarah, as it's nearly 5am here in the UK and I need some shuteye. |
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SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 7:31 am Post subject: |
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| Sure, any time! |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 11:26 am Post subject: |
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| SluvsK wrote: | | Thank you for the welcome everyone! |
No problem; no problem at all.
| SluvsK wrote: | | Tequila, I have only known one other person with autism in my life, and that was years ago & for a brief time. |
Understood.
| SluvsK wrote: | | We never got as close as my friend and I have gotten. |
Also understood. And, of course, although we have autism, we're all very different people in many other respects. There's no reason to believe that two people with autism will necessarily get on a great
| SluvsK wrote: | | As far as elaborating more on him, he is a high functioning autistic - extremely intelligent, very rational and logical. |
Are you able to keep up with him?
| SluvsK wrote: | | I mean, he studies physics for fun and graduated from college with a degree in physics & mathematics. |
Wow, an intelligent chap for sure! Far, far more learned than I shall ever be.
| SluvsK wrote: | | He is stuck in a place where his mind is razor sharp and his intellect is so far advanced, and yet he feels awkward and terribly nervous when trying to connect to another person one on one (although in the past few years he seems to have progressed a lot with his social abilities - hopefully the progression will continue forward). |
That's probably because he doesn't know how to open up to people and he feels that the outside world may well scorn/reject/laugh at him. You probably already knew that anyway though.
| SluvsK wrote: | | He was so cute when we first met - he stuttered a lot and seemed so shy and sweet. |
I take it you tend to go for guys like this anyway?
| SluvsK wrote: | | I notice I tend to feel very protective of him, |
Lucky, lucky bastard! 
(Sorry, had a flash of envy and jealousy there. Sorry.) 
| SluvsK wrote: | | and I try not to let that get out of hand so that I'm not "mothering him", you know? |
As you get to know him - and each other - better, that might be something you want to talk about with him so that you both might feel comfortable?
How long have you known/been boyfriend and girlfriend for?
| SluvsK wrote: | | Certain noises bother him - he has to have his stereo or his television playing really loudly when he eats because the clacking of the spoon or fork against a bowl or plate really, really irritates him. |
I know this might not be an exact science, but have you/has he thought of perhaps getting some cordless headphones for him to stick over his ears whilst he eats? That way you can get a bit of peace whilst you eat and not have the telly blaring out too loud. Of course, you won't be able to talk much but this doesn't sound a lot different from now anyway.
Can you talk at mealtimes if he has the telly/stereo on very loud? The reason I ask this is that I simply wouldn't be able to process people in the room speaking over the din of the TV set. I say this because it's very difficult for me to be able to hear other people in the room even when the TV volume is fairly moderate.
| SluvsK wrote: | | The sound of people eating certain foods bothers him a great deal. |
I'm fairly sure he'd find me unbearable then. (I am a very noisy eater!)
| SluvsK wrote: | | He has other quirks that I am getting used to, like the fact that he seems to like & even look forward to physical affection with & from me but then he quickly gets overwhelmed by it and pulls back a bit. |
That may or may not be a sensory issue. Have you talked about it?
| SluvsK wrote: | | This had confused me a little before, and I am trying to be sensitive to his need for space & time to process everything. |
As I hope he is with you.
| SluvsK wrote: | | He also worries about pressure or expectations from me for a more average type of romantic relationship, because obviously things are a bit different with him. But I love him and I'm doing all that I know I can do to assure him that I've placed no pressure or expectations on his shoulders and that I have no desire to look elsewhere. |
If he gets insecure about it, perhaps you might give him examples of how being with him is better or superior for you than a more 'normal' kind of romantic relationship, and how you prefer it?
Just a few thoughts.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I will definitely mention this forum to him the next time I talk to him! |
Brilliant! |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87216
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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Deleted
Last edited by SluvsK on Wed May 23, 2012 6:14 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I'll answer this but, again, this will have to wait until later today (tomorrow for you). Sorry about that. |
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SluvsK
Raven
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 107
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 8:14 am Post subject: |
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| Oh sure, I completely understand! |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26053
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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| SluvsK wrote: | | I agree! |
...deal more than people who don't have AS.
Sorry, missed off the end of the sentence there. My apologies.
| SluvsK wrote: | | lol I am trying to keep up with him! |
Good luck!
| SluvsK wrote: | | I'm no dunce but, as I've told him a few times before, at times he seems so intelligent that it is a bit intimidating. |
First of all - you definitely don't seem like a "dunce" in any way and secondly, I've sometimes been told this. My response is generally that while I might be slightly more intelligent than the majority, I'm quite thick compared to many, many people and I almost utterly lack basic self-help skills. My social interaction skills are probably not as undeveloped as his are but then there are other things that balance that out, too. There's an answer to everything. One way of seeing it is that for every thing that balances, there is something that counter-balances it out again.
| SluvsK wrote: | | But he's so sweet, Tequila - he never makes me feel beneath him in any way, or less intelligent. |
Good for him! Not all of us can manage this.
| SluvsK wrote: | | When he corrects me or tries to teach me something, he's very gentle (even though he takes it very, very seriously when someone is wrong about anything). |
He sounds lovely. I wouldn't be surprised if he got a lot of female interest if he was an instructor in something that women need help with. Not trying to make you jealous, but he sounds very tender and patient. A lot of women like that and find it reassuring in my experience.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I did suspect that, yes. He opened up and told me so about a week and a half ago. |
I take it that you don't live together then? It should be blindingly obvious.
While I'm on the subject, how did he understand that you were definitely interested in him? Did you have to say something outright or did he get the message without you having to literally say it in no uncertain terms?
| SluvsK wrote: | | Yes and no! I have never dated anyone this sweet, and as I said he's unlike anyone else I've ever met in my life. I never thought I'd meet anyone like him. |
You sound quite, quite smitten - your love for him drips from every word.
| SluvsK wrote: |  You are so funny! That's sweet. |
Thank you.
And now I've just spilt Tizer all over my desk by filling the glass too full! Marvellous (!)
| SluvsK wrote: | | I think I'm so protective of him because I see how gentle he really is, and how easily someone could hurt him (and have before) or taken advantage of him. |
Has he not developed the social skills that would make it easier to identify when people are taking advantage of him, and therefore will make being taken advantage of/abused easier to detect? Also, what is his relationship with friends/family like? If he has a good relationship with them it can be a lot more difficult for an abusive person to simply take over in that way.
| SluvsK wrote: | He has gotten rejected and teased more often than I care to think about.  |
And what about you?
Why would people reject and tease him? Are you referring to other women here?
| SluvsK wrote: | | Yes, that's a good idea. |
No problem.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I think I am going to bring it up the next time I see him. |
I hope that won't be too long for you!
| SluvsK wrote: | | I have mentioned something before, jokingly, about not wanting to worry over him as if I'm his "mother" and he just laughed it off and assured me that he was alright. |
Perhaps he wouldn't be entirely opposed to a relationship along those lines - i.e. not a mother/son relationship, but one where you look after him and he looks after your needs too?
| SluvsK wrote: | | We've only been boyfriend & girlfriend for a couple of weeks but have known each other (as friends only) for longer, of course. |
If you don't mind me asking, how did you meet and how did this romance part of your relationship develop? I'm sorry if I'm coming across as somewhat nosy here.
| SluvsK wrote: | | So the romance part is very new. |
It will be lovely to read about it blossoming.
| SluvsK wrote: | | We have been taking things very slow - he's very nervous and this is all new to him. |
Good for you.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I don't want to make him feel pressured by anything so I just go by his cues and what he seems comfortable with - for instance, our dates have been consisting of me coming over to his house for a few hours and watching his favorite TV shows with him, listening to his favorite music with him, helping him cook dinner and playing with his dog together. |
I hope that there is an element of reciprocality on his part though - I'm sure you (and I hope he) understands that a one-sided relationship is unhealthy. Sorry for being a wet tea-towel, but I thought that it was worth mentioning.
| SluvsK wrote: | | Familiar things that he can relax and enjoy doing with me, without any worries hanging over his head. |
What do you enjoy doing? Sounds like there may be a fair dose of social anxiety on his part as well - has he thought of looking at places like the Social Anxiety Forum (http://www.socialanxietysupport.com)? Though I would urge a slight note of caution as places like that (and WP as well to a lesser extent) are best enjoyed in smallish doses, as otherwise they can do more harm than good in some ways.
| SluvsK wrote: | | We can start going out other places together (real dates) as his confidence grows and he feels more secure with the turn our relationship has taken. |
To be honest, you don't need to go 'all or nothing' even with what you term 'real' dates. There are plenty of ways of having dates out of doors that don't have to involve the more conventional places like pubs or nightclubs (which I'd strongly advise avoiding anyway). You can go places like a local park, or just a walk around town somewhere. Does he have any outdoors interests of his own that you could perhaps relate to/participate in?
| SluvsK wrote: | | I told him that I will be totally patient with him and I meant it. |
Lucky b-- sorry, where was I again?
| SluvsK wrote: | | Ooh, good idea! No, I've never thought of that. Seems so simple! Thank you. I'll mention it to him. |
No problem. I specifically said cordless due to the fact that it would make it easier for him to eat and he wouldn't have wires that would get in the way.
I suspect that the clacking of cutlery may be magnified. He must have absolute fits when people put dishes into cupboards! That's my bugbear - it's so loud and sounds like it's being smashed into one another - aaarrgggghh!
If ever you want to hear what it feels like for someone who can't filter noise out, go into a noisy café with a tape recorder/video camera and record the visit. That's what it feels like for people like myself, essentially.
| SluvsK wrote: | | We can talk when it's loud - he will turn it down if he sees that I'm having a little bit of trouble hearing him, or if he has a bit of trouble hearing what I'm saying (I have a soft voice anyway!). |
Understood.
| SluvsK wrote: | Ha!  But you seem like a really sweet person. |
Yes, but he'd still find me unbearable at the dinner table. Even my family find me unbearable because I chomp through my food so loudly.
| SluvsK wrote: | | We have not talked about it in length. We've just touched upon the subject once before, when it seemed he felt uncomfortable after a few minutes of cuddling with me and he wanted to sit nearby but in a chair and talk to me from there. |
OK, I understand. It might be worth getting his thoughts on it. The more you know, the less alienated you'll feel.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I think he assumed that I thought it was odd, because he sent me a Facebook message when I got home with a link to a page about autism and intimacy, saying, "I hope this page is helpful to inform you of what I go through, if I seem a bit odd at times". He said at times he felt restricted - physically restricted - by how affectionate I can get. |
I recognise the feeling of what he means - it can feel like you're trapped, in a corner, with nowhere to go. Though this is worse for me with people who I do not want touching me.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I just told him that I totally understood and the page gave me some great insight into how he might feel, and I had not ever considered the fact that he might be overwhelmed by all of my displays of affection (I like to hug him, hold his hand, and snuggle with him often). |
I get it.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I told him I don't think that he's odd or that his actions are odd, and I will begin asking permission from him for hugs and kisses instead of just acting upon my urges. |
I hope he does a bit of give and take though - if I were him, you'd be begging for me to release you! 
| SluvsK wrote: | | He is! He has been the greatest friend that anyone could ever have, and the greatest friend that I've ever had in my life for sure, and now he is a wonderful boyfriend - he's learning to navigate these uncharted waters very well, you could say. |
That's wonderful of you to say that about someone, about anyone.
| SluvsK wrote: | | He's never dated or had a girlfriend before, so everything is very unfamiliar to him. |
I'm sure it is, and I'm sure it's not easy. It's daunting for anyone I think, but for someone like him especially so. I'm sure that he finds it a pleasurable experience though.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I really adore him. |
Good for you.
(resists temptation to remember that Erica Jong quote about jealousy, because it doesn't apply here)
| SluvsK wrote: | | Great idea, Tequila! I will certainly do that. |
I think that might make him feel more secure. I hope that, for his part, he also says how much he deeply desires you being with him.
| SluvsK wrote: | | He once said, in a moment of frustration, "See, you've got yourself involved with someone who has all of these quirks..." but I need to show him as well as verbally tell him that I would rather take him, quirks and all, than have someone else. |
Sounds like a good idea.
| SluvsK wrote: | | I'm not expecting all sunshine and rainbows, but I'm not going to give up on him. |
You go, girl!
| SluvsK wrote: | | I have never asked him directly (perhaps I should?) but I suspect that he still secretly wonders if I might give up on him, or get bored or frustrated with him at some point and just want to quit and turn this thing back around. That thought bothers me a great deal. |
If I were him, that's what I'd be thinking - that I'm "too complicated" or a "hassle" or "not good enough". Try to move to quash those feelings stone dead and I'm sure you'll both be very happy.
I've not read a response so eloquently passionate about another person for some time. I hope you both go far. |
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