Gll
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 5
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 Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:00 pm Post subject: My angry boyfriend |
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I have a boyfriend of 10 months that is sure he has asperger's. He has not received a formal diagnosis but he says the more he learns about it asperger's, the more he thinks he has it, like it's an 'autobiography.' From what I know about it, that seems right.
I need advice about how to deal with his anger. He is not a happy person right now, depressed about the events in his life. He is short and angry with me a lot, for no real reaason that I can tell, (I got yelled at for asking where the coffee was, amongst other things that seem really small to me). I in turn have become a beast and I fight back, we fight like cats and dogs and talk alot about breaking up.
My question is, should I be more patient with him? I love him and I don't want to lose him, but how do I deal with this anger? Is there something that is different with asperger's people than NTs? |
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SilkySifaka
Lemur
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1396
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:13 pm Post subject: Re: My angry boyfriend |
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| Gll wrote: | I have a boyfriend of 10 months that is sure he has asperger's. He has not received a formal diagnosis but he says the more he learns about it asperger's, the more he thinks he has it, like it's an 'autobiography.' From what I know about it, that seems right.
I need advice about how to deal with his anger. He is not a happy person right now, depressed about the events in his life. He is short and angry with me a lot, for no real reaason that I can tell, (I got yelled at for asking where the coffee was, amongst other things that seem really small to me). I in turn have become a beast and I fight back, we fight like cats and dogs and talk alot about breaking up.
My question is, should I be more patient with him? I love him and I don't want to lose him, but how do I deal with this anger? Is there something that is different with asperger's people than NTs? |
I can't speak for anyone else, but I do tend to get frustrated more easily than NT people. I don't usually get angry with other people, more with myself. I still don't think it is right for him to shout at you. He needs to learn to tell you when he is starting to feel angry so he can tell you and you can give him space. It might be a good idea if you could try and bite your tongue rather than shout back, as that is probably making the situation worse. When people shout at me I go to pieces completely. |
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Callista
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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Find some time when you're both calm, talk to him about it. Approach it as a problem that you can solve together, rather than something about him that you want to fix or change. (And mean it. You like your BF the way he is, Asperger's included, right? So don't try to change him.)
I know that when I'm frustrated the best thing for people around me to do is to just back off and let me cool down. That might be the case for him, too. If you leave him alone when he's angry, and he agrees to leave you alone and find someplace to cool down, then that would probably help prevent any unnecessary and pointless arguments.
And bring him here--he'd probably fit in just fine, and it's a little difficult trying to give advice to someone who's only seeing the external part of the problem!
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questor
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 1:04 pm Post subject: anger attacks |
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Yes, I find the best thing for me when I am upset is to be alone, so I can have time for my upsetness to cool/calm down. Having to interact with people at a time like that only adds to the stress. It really helps me that I now live alone, as living with relatives for most of my life was way too stressful.
In your case, you need to get your BF to figure out why he is so angry so often. That is, what is triggering it? Once the triggers are identified it may be possible to find a better way to deal with them. Suggest to him that he write down what he thinks is really bugging him.
Hope this helps. I also agree with one of the other posters, who suggested that you bring him to Wrong Planet's site. This place has been a help to me. There are many interesting and helpful forums here. So bring him here, and good luck.  |
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Silvervarg
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Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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I usually get most irritade when I try to do something that demands alot of focus and something like hunger or head ache or worries lies just out of mind so I don't notice it straight away but it's nagging for my attention, simply anything that prevents me from reaching full focus mode, and when it happens I tend to need some quite time to figure out what is wrong, he might have the same problem, something underlying is bothering him but he can't pinpoint what it is, or he feels like he can't tell you for some reason.
Also, for both you and him, if you feel anger building up, do something completly opposite, soft hugs (I use my dog for that) or just relaxing all the muscles and it'll help.
Hope things work out for you guys. 
Ohh and btw, is it short bursts of anger (from his side) that subsides quick or is it a prolonged mood change, and how is he about it afterwards?
Edit: A mod should perhaps move this to Love and Dating?
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Gll
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry I didn't see that there was a love forum...thank you for all of your advice.
To answer your question about the anger...it's almost daily, can be short, and if I respond angrily to him, things will spin out of control and we'll be fighting for hours. So much resentment for this behavior builds up inside of me I go on the attack a day or two after something happens. He doesn't seem to want to admit that he does this. And when we get down to it his anger has to do with his life and things in his life. I explained how hurtful this is to me, this morning I think we had a breakthrough.
I guess I'm just going to try patience and understanding...but having to police him about his hurtful comments and actions (got in my face the other night, aggressive and threatening), just bothers me. But I want to keep trying because he really is wonderful to be with. |
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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Callista wrote: | | Find some time when you're both calm, talk to him about it. Approach it as a problem that you can solve together, rather than something about him that you want to fix or change. (And mean it. You like your BF the way he is, Asperger's included, right? So don't try to change him.) . . . |
I like this.
And even when things are going well, even after positive interaction, I still need alone time for emotional processing. For me, this often needs a long walk. |
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Gll
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote: | | Callista wrote: | | Find some time when you're both calm, talk to him about it. Approach it as a problem that you can solve together, rather than something about him that you want to fix or change. (And mean it. You like your BF the way he is, Asperger's included, right? So don't try to change him.) . . . |
I like this.
And even when things are going well, even after positive interaction, I still need alone time for emotional processing. For me, this often needs a long walk. |
Oh I have tried this! He then proceeds to tell me about my bad behavior, and that he was justified in being mad at me (for getting up to go to bed during a movie???)...I have worded things very clearly. I'm not trying to change him, I just want the anger to stop. |
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ValentineWiggin
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Joined: May 16, 2011
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Gll wrote: | | AardvarkGoodSwimmer wrote: | | Callista wrote: | | Find some time when you're both calm, talk to him about it. Approach it as a problem that you can solve together, rather than something about him that you want to fix or change. (And mean it. You like your BF the way he is, Asperger's included, right? So don't try to change him.) . . . |
I like this.
And even when things are going well, even after positive interaction, I still need alone time for emotional processing. For me, this often needs a long walk. |
Oh I have tried this! He then proceeds to tell me about my bad behavior, and that he was justified in being mad at me (for getting up to go to bed during a movie???)...I have worded things very clearly. I'm not trying to change him, I just want the anger to stop. |
Well, first, people who'd interrupt a movie we're watching together, let alone leaving for good int he middle of it would leave me profoundly-upset.
But what's worrisome to me is your word choice "He then proceeds to tell me that he was JUSTIFIED in being mad at me..."
Not "He tells me how this makes him feel", nor even "He told me what I did that caused him to react in such a way and explained why", but he gets DEFENSIVE about his behavior and the underlying feelings and attempts to paint himself in objective fashion as being wronged, and in so doing, makes an effort to cast you as the bad guy. This isn't a healthy or even particularly efficient means of resolving conflict.
I might be reading more into this than you meant.
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They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
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Gll
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Joined: May 18, 2012
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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[/quote]
Well, first, people who'd interrupt a movie we're watching together, let alone leaving for good int he middle of it would leave me profoundly-upset.
But what's worrisome to me is your word choice "He then proceeds to tell me that he was JUSTIFIED in being mad at me..."
Not "He tells me how this makes him feel", nor even "He told me what I did that caused him to react in such a way and explained why", but he gets DEFENSIVE about his behavior and the underlying feelings and attempts to paint himself in objective fashion as being wronged, and in so doing, makes an effort to cast you as the bad guy. This isn't a healthy or even particularly efficient means of resolving conflict.
I might be reading more into this than you meant.[/quote]
You are spot on. I think I got through to him this morning though. Thank you for posting...I will ask him how he feels. Usually he's mad about something else. He explained his anger about the movie was related to a job he didn't get....he was passing out. He didn't even let me say: "I'm really tired..." it was an explosion when I stood up.
Obviously me screaming back at him doesn't work, so I'm going to try a more patient approach during this moments. |
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Chronos
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Joined: Apr 23, 2010
Posts: 5231
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:04 pm Post subject: Re: My angry boyfriend |
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| Gll wrote: | I have a boyfriend of 10 months that is sure he has asperger's. He has not received a formal diagnosis but he says the more he learns about it asperger's, the more he thinks he has it, like it's an 'autobiography.' From what I know about it, that seems right.
I need advice about how to deal with his anger. He is not a happy person right now, depressed about the events in his life. He is short and angry with me a lot, for no real reaason that I can tell, (I got yelled at for asking where the coffee was, amongst other things that seem really small to me). I in turn have become a beast and I fight back, we fight like cats and dogs and talk alot about breaking up.
My question is, should I be more patient with him? I love him and I don't want to lose him, but how do I deal with this anger? Is there something that is different with asperger's people than NTs? |
Honestly I would not stand by someone who treated me poorly for asking innocent questions like that, whether they had AS or not, and I would be sure to tell them I'm more than happy to be supportive of them but not if they're going to treat me in such an ill manner. |
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Gll
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Joined: May 18, 2012
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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Valentinewiggin---I have a question related to the comment you made about the movie...
He has complained to me that I change plans. To me it's minor, for example I decide I don't want to go get ice cream after all, or go jogging, or something like that, which is unrelated to him and doesn't effect him. To him that's changing plans and he feels upset. Is this an aspberger thing? Should I be more sensitive?
He hasn't gotten any help for this. He's almost 40 and feels strongly he has aspberger's but no diagnosis yet. I don't think he understands himself yet and he takes it out on me. |
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CuriousKitten
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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My husband is diagnosed bi-polar, and we've recently realized that my root issues is Aspergers. We've been together since '98.
Our secret? after the fight, when we are both calmed back down, we talk about it, analyzing what happened. What were we each feeling and/or thinking when this or that outburst or reaction occurred. It really helps clear the air and sometimes we even find ways to prevent that particular kind of fight from recurring. |
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ValentineWiggin
Yup.
Joined: May 16, 2011
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Gll wrote: |
You are spot on. I think I got through to him this morning though. Thank you for posting...I will ask him how he feels. Usually he's mad about something else. He explained his anger about the movie was related to a job he didn't get....he was passing out. He didn't even let me say: "I'm really tired..." it was an explosion when I stood up.
Obviously me screaming back at him doesn't work, so I'm going to try a more patient approach during this moments. |
That's most definitely not inherently Autistic. My thinking is so compartmentalized that I'm even less likely than NT's for frustration about XYZ to "spill over" into interpersonal interaction.
This is very easy for me to say, because I don't love the guy, and you're just a woman on a forum who I've come to learn has a boyfriend who "screams" at her, which makes me quite livid, but my first reaction is that you need to declare in no uncertain terms that you will not be treated like that. Many people have anger issues, and many of those people successfully learn to deal with them in healthy ways with the support of their partners, but during that interim, you're not a punching bag for his frustrations.
I would recommend, specifically, disengaging with him totally when this occurs. Leave the room.
If he follows, refuse to engage in a dialogue with him until his tantrum is over.
Memorize this line:
"I'm sorry, but I can't think clearly and discuss this with you when you're this upset. We should talk about it later."
There's a time for patience (and you'll need to have a lot of it) but that time is after the situation has been defused.
Attempting to engage with this type of behavior communicates on some level that it's okay and...it's not.
_________________
"Such is the Frailty
of the human Heart, that very few Men, who have no Property, have any Judgment of their own.
They talk and vote as they are directed by Some Man of Property, who has attached their Minds
to his Interest." |
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Who_Am_I
almost human
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Age: 29
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Location: My body is in Brisbane and my mind is in the gutter. :D
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 5:19 pm Post subject: Re: My angry boyfriend |
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| Chronos wrote: | | Gll wrote: | I have a boyfriend of 10 months that is sure he has asperger's. He has not received a formal diagnosis but he says the more he learns about it asperger's, the more he thinks he has it, like it's an 'autobiography.' From what I know about it, that seems right.
I need advice about how to deal with his anger. He is not a happy person right now, depressed about the events in his life. He is short and angry with me a lot, for no real reaason that I can tell, (I got yelled at for asking where the coffee was, amongst other things that seem really small to me). I in turn have become a beast and I fight back, we fight like cats and dogs and talk alot about breaking up.
My question is, should I be more patient with him? I love him and I don't want to lose him, but how do I deal with this anger? Is there something that is different with asperger's people than NTs? |
Honestly I would not stand by someone who treated me poorly for asking innocent questions like that, whether they had AS or not, and I would be sure to tell them I'm more than happy to be supportive of them but not if they're going to treat me in such an ill manner. |
Nor would I.
What I would do would be to go for a walk, and say that if he wanted to talk to me, he could do it when he was capable of talking to me like a human being.
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