hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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 Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:48 am Post subject: |
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| Mxzysptlik wrote: | | I won't criticize your writing style but I do think you're worrying too much about this. I used to feel the same way about talking to girls until I realized that 1) A lot of the girls that did approach me I wanted nothing to do with 2) Girls are A LOT easier than guys think. You're probably sending out creep signals to these women, you need to learn to chill out a bit. Write now I'm talking to this chick I met online. I don't actually plan on dating this girl, I do hope to have sex however. I'm using online dating to help me when I'm in person with girls. I learn what creeps them out and what draws them in. Try saying something completely weird about their appearance and just see what happens. Sometimes girls will be puzzled by this but drawn to it as well. Most importantly play it cool. Don't act like you're super desperate for their attention. I used to be like this and got rejected soooooooo many times. If a girl blows you off no big deal, move on to someone else, don't take it personally. It's still rough for me but you're only 20. A lot of people at that age haven't had sex yet and some that have regret it. It seems like you're more interested in the sex part than the girl part btw. |
does that girl know that you don't plan to date her, but just want sex?
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Caesaran
Raven
Joined: Mar 31, 2012
Posts: 111
Location: The Divide
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:40 pm Post subject: Just be.... |
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Confidence is key, Girls like someone with a high esteem.
also being clean and organized helps.
girls like stable, clean, and boisterous men. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2614
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:45 pm Post subject: Re: Just be.... |
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| Caesaran wrote: | Confidence is key, Girls like someone with a high esteem.
also being clean and organized helps.
girls like stable, clean, and boisterous men. |
You mean like Gaston? 
http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts196759-start0.html
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"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 4:34 pm Post subject: Re: Just be.... |
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| Caesaran wrote: | Confidence is key, Girls like someone with a high esteem.
also being clean and organized helps.
girls like stable, clean, and boisterous men. |
i don't care about men's level of organisation in the slightest, and if they are a bit rumpled they are cute. clean is good but toooo clean is a little weird to me. i like a person to smell like a person, not like soap.
"stable" is also debatable as i tend to like artistic people.
average self-esteem is good, as a bit high or low is no big deal. too high and a person turns into a narcissist, too low and a person becomes closed off to being loved.
boisterous doesn't matter. perhaps some women only notice the boisterous men, but i notice the quiet ones too.
confidence is definitely important.
so most of your list is not really universal. i think you don't really know what all women want because we all want something a bit different.
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Caesaran
Raven
Joined: Mar 31, 2012
Posts: 111
Location: The Divide
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 3:16 pm Post subject: Re: Just be.... |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | Caesaran wrote: | Confidence is key, Girls like someone with a high esteem.
also being clean and organized helps.
girls like stable, clean, and boisterous men. |
i don't care about men's level of organisation in the slightest, and if they are a bit rumpled they are cute. clean is good but toooo clean is a little weird to me. i like a person to smell like a person, not like soap.
"stable" is also debatable as i tend to like artistic people.
average self-esteem is good, as a bit high or low is no big deal. too high and a person turns into a narcissist, too low and a person becomes closed off to being loved.
boisterous doesn't matter. perhaps some women only notice the boisterous men, but i notice the quiet ones too.
confidence is definitely important.
so most of your list is not really universal. i think you don't really know what all women want because we all want something a bit different. |
I just listed the base of it. most women i notice seem to like who thinks decently of himself. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 3:19 pm Post subject: Re: Just be.... |
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| Caesaran wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | Caesaran wrote: | Confidence is key, Girls like someone with a high esteem.
also being clean and organized helps.
girls like stable, clean, and boisterous men. |
i don't care about men's level of organisation in the slightest, and if they are a bit rumpled they are cute. clean is good but toooo clean is a little weird to me. i like a person to smell like a person, not like soap.
"stable" is also debatable as i tend to like artistic people.
average self-esteem is good, as a bit high or low is no big deal. too high and a person turns into a narcissist, too low and a person becomes closed off to being loved.
boisterous doesn't matter. perhaps some women only notice the boisterous men, but i notice the quiet ones too.
confidence is definitely important.
so most of your list is not really universal. i think you don't really know what all women want because we all want something a bit different. |
I just listed the base of it. most women i notice seem to like who thinks decently of himself. |
yes, it is good to think decently of yourself. but the rest of the list is inaccurate
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Tom5
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 12, 2011
Posts: 70
Location: תל אביב, ישראל
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think that Aspergers or other mental disorders for that matter could prevent someone from finding a girlfriend but there are other cruel circumstances that you can do nothing about like being ugly, smelling bad or having a infectious disease and bad hygiene that can make it hard for you, if not impossible, to be able to attract the woman of your dreams.
Last edited by Tom5 on Fri May 04, 2012 8:22 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 4:18 pm Post subject: Re: Just be.... |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | too low and a person becomes closed off to being loved.
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This is so true and it's a nightmare if you're on the receiving end. There are few things worse than being with someone so paranoid that your feelings are questioned. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:10 pm Post subject: Re: People with Aspergers: How do you get a girlfriend? |
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| FlashBX19 wrote: | | This is something I REALLY need to work on, I am still a virgin at 20 and NONE of my friends know this secret and I do NOT intend to tell them, its not something they would look down on, but it would be something they would joke with me about, and it would cause a fight |
I know this is really difficult for most people around here, but one thing that really helped me to be comfortable in social situations was learning to laugh at myself and my shortcomings. Most times, things are only a problem if you take them seriously.
| Quote: | | Girls actually tell me that I'm hot and when I was younger other guys in my class used to call me "gay" because I never spoke to girls when they tried to talking to me, they don't understand that its not my fault and I get extremely nervous and its a big turn off. |
Yeah, I got that too. They didn't call me gay, they just got frustrated with me. I particularly remember this one time everyone was upset with me because this girl - who was part of that social circle, friends with all my friends - was apparently hitting on me (I didn't know!) but I spent the whole time telling her about the history of the blueberry industry (we were drinking blueberry wine). Stuff like that. Or if I did see what was going on, I'd panic and leave.
They kept trying to "fix" things. Once we were out in a bar and my friend Terry stood next to me, pinched some girl's butt who was standing in front of me, and then quickly left. What an a-hole. So ... yeah ... don't tell them you're a virgin. They probably won't hold it against you or make fun of you, they'll probably try to fix it, which is even worse.
| Quote: | | But now I have no problems communicating with males, the main thing now is I can't talk to a hot girl that would be interested, I mean I can talk to girls normally, its just when your trying to talk to them as a boyfriend or something. |
I don't know if I can help you much there, even at my age that's never gone away, I've just learned to cope with it. And, it doesn't end when you do get a girlfriend. You would think that after the ice is broken everyone can relax, but that's not how it works, actually things just get more and more complicated as time goes by. So, you just have to accept that there might always be problems.
But if you have girls trying to approach you, and if you can talk to them in a normal way, it's just a matter of time. |
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PRD3
Emu Egg
Joined: May 20, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Delphiki wrote: | | This post was 2 years old. And the OP has not posted sense |
I surely would've left, too, because there was very little real helpful information here. Just a bunch of "If I can do it with no problem, then EVERYONE ELSE in the world should be able to do it with no problem, too" attitudes mixed in with some "internet gangsta" rudeness, a few senseless arguments, and other somewhat irrelevant things. At least this is what I got from reviewing the first two pages here (I admit this third page of comments here are a bit better).
I strongly recommend that anyone passionately seeking true self help to NOT use forums or the comments section of any site for advice because I've come to notice over time that a majority of what you're most likely to see will not help you, or even make you feel better at the least. While there are a few people that genuinely want to help or are trying to help, many others are just on the net to say things that make themselves feel superior than others or simply to cause unnecessary problems, hence the silly arguments and things that often tend to occur. The odds of finding someone who truly understands YOUR particular situation in a comments section are very slim. You're mainly going to get a bunch of people basically either (knowingly or unknowingly) telling you:
1. Something is wrong with you; (or) These are the things that are wrong with you (with no real info on how to actually FIX your problem or situation, or
2. I don't have certain problems in life. Therefore, I don't see how anyone else in the world could have that problem (and if you do, then you're inventing it or CHOOSING to make things difficult).
3. If I can do / handle / get through this problem, then everyone else in the world should be able to, too, or
4. I understand how you feel (but don't know what to tell ya).
5. Get over it / Grow some balls / Man up / Stop Making Excuses / Nothing is wrong with you.
and a bunch of basic "just hang in there" or "just keep trying" or "maybe some day things will magically change and get better" advice, or worst of all, the "just be yourself" or "just be nice" speech.
While I don't have any real advice myself on where to actually find help for this situation (which is obvious because I also stumbled across this same site searching for the same help), I believe my advice here, even despite how off topic it may be, is probably the best (or at least among the top best) advice given here.
I wish so deeply that forums and comments sections were good sources for help (when it comes to these types of matters and questions) and that everyone was out to truly understand and help, but that's not always the case, unfortunately.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I understand how it feels to hopelessly forever dream of meeting that female of desire who truly appreciates you for who you are only to constantly run into endless rejections, failures and "road blocks" because you're "too nice" or your personality doesn't fit the norm. Now, don't get me wrong - I am one of the few who psychologically understand why being a "nice guy" is NOT good, but just having that knowledge doesn't help me especially when I have asperger's and don't know exactly how to "change myself in a proper manner" if that makes sense (which, by the way, is another reason forums aren't of much help - because you're trying to get advice from people who are just as confused about themselves as you are about yourself in addition to folks who may not even be aware of their own problems..) It also messes with your head when you see other unimaginably successful people having success with women and you cannot understand for the life of you how in the world they can do it and you can't even manage to get one.
Let me stop there because being sympathetic and showing that "I understand" isn't going to get anyone anywhere. Bottom line is I have no real advice to the problem at hand (as I am also looking for an answer), but one thing I can say is that forums and comment sections aren't a place to go to for actual help unless you're looking for things like how to fix a PC or.... things of that nature. It's good for knowing "you're not alone" or "feeling sympathetic", or getting that "wow that's so true - he understands" feeling, but other than that.... it's pretty much a waste of time. |
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DogsWithoutHorses
mockingbyrd
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 1145
Location: New York
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Chronos wrote: | First of all, you need to stop thinking of girls/women as these non-human enigmatic beings.
They are human, just like you. You talk to them, and treat them as you would any human. Try choosing some women you don't find attractive at all and practice having conversations with them.
Second of all, you opened your question by talking about your virginity. Unless you are going to enlist the services of a prostitute, any woman who will have sex with you is going to expect some type of relationship first, whether it be a few hours at a bar or a few days, weeks, or months, so you're going to have to learn some better social skills, which brings us back to what I initially said. Stop thinking of women as something alien. |
oh look, ding ding ding we have a winner, right from the first page too
talk to people like they are people
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If your success is defined as being well adjusted to injustice and well adapted to indifference, then we don’t want successful leaders. We want great leaders- who are unbought, unbound, unafraid, and unintimidated to tell the truth. |
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bruinsy33
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 01, 2011
Posts: 446
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 7:43 pm Post subject: Re: People with Aspergers: How do you get a girlfriend? |
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| FlashBX19 wrote: |  Well, let me introduce myself and explain my question a little further, My name is Brendan, I am an only child, I just turned 20, I was first diagnosed with Aspergers around age 9, I'm from New York City, I grew up half my life in Washington Heights in Uptown Manhattan and the other half in The Bronx where I live now so you could say I'm from the "hood" lol, I come from a very large and crazy Irish Catholic family lol. Now, when I was younger up until about age 12, I was a very sociable kid had a lot of friends, used to goto the park everyday in my neighborhood and meet new kids everyday, then my parents and family, started noticing I was a bit 'different' with certain things like in school I was only interested in Geography, and I always had to read a world map, which other students thought was 'odd', also went through many phases of obsessions, from dogs, to computers, to just about anything, then at age 13, I just stopped socializing and basically never left my apartment although I did remain contact with about 3 kids who are my best friends today, but my social life from age 13 - 16 was not there, I ended up getting into many fist fights in school, was sent everywhere from boot camps to juvie, I was around really bad kids it was a jail house enviorment and basically I had to fight just so they would leave me alone, so yeah I picked up fighting during that time and fought a lot, sometimes even starting fights. I dropped out of school at age 15, stayed home and did nothing for about 2 years and at age 17, things started to change for me, I went back to High School met great friends and a teacher that turned my life around. Today I have many friends and lead a normal social life, although I still have many issues with things like "joking" and other stuff that people with Aspergers will always face, I can say I have made great strides with socializing, although there is still room to grow. Now onto the question, How do you engage in conversations/relationships with females? This is something I REALLY need to work on, I am still a virgin at 20 and NONE of my friends know this secret and I do NOT intend to tell them, its not something they would look down on, but it would be something they would joke with me about, and it would cause a fight, the only friend I would trust would be my best friends, but there is no reason to tell them. Girls actually tell me that I'm hot and when I was younger other guys in my class used to call me "gay" because I never spoke to girls when they tried to talking to me, they don't understand that its not my fault and I get extremely nervous and its a big turn off. Aspergers made it very complicated to communicate with anyone in the past, nevermind females. But now I have no problems communicating with males, the main thing now is I can't talk to a hot girl that would be interested, I mean I can talk to girls normally, its just when your trying to talk to them as a boyfriend or something. I really would like some tips, because I completely shut down and its embarassing... I never even told my father that I haven't had sex yet... My mother would tell me to wait until I was married, because we're Catholic.. But it is very embarassing and I feel pressured when everyone around me is talking about it, and has girlfriends except me, I feel weird, and knowing that I COULD have a girlfriend even makes it worse, I have had oppurtunites but I just get to nervous... and on top of that, after this year of my vocational school, I have no clue what I will do for a job, 20 is a tough age, and 21 is going to be even harder... My father is NYC Ironworker and he could get me in with no problem and I could even rebuild the new World Trade Center... But I just don't know what to do with my life anymore....I've considered joining the Military(Navy or Marines) to get away from things for a while.... I'm sorry for the long rant guys, just had to get this all out, but what do you think? you can be honest or whatever you want, I'll take any answers I can get.......thanks  |
Write down a list of 5 women that you are interested in right now.Engage each of those women as much as you possibly can,be as friendly as you can be.Try to get to the point where you can ask one of them out [or they ask you out]and whoever will go out with you is the one who is most interested and wants to be your girlfriend.. |
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bruinsy33
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 01, 2011
Posts: 446
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Chronos wrote: | First of all, you need to stop thinking of girls/women as these non-human enigmatic beings.
They are human, just like you. You talk to them, and treat them as you would any human. Try choosing some women you don't find attractive at all and practice having conversations with them.
Second of all, you opened your question by talking about your virginity. Unless you are going to enlist the services of a prostitute, any woman who will have sex with you is going to expect some type of relationship first, whether it be a few hours at a bar or a few days, weeks, or months, so you're going to have to learn some better social skills, which brings us back to what I initially said. Stop thinking of women as something alien. |
This is good advice ,the only point I might disagree on is the point about choosing women you don't find attractive as people to have conversations with .In that scenario the OP might feel totally relaxed[a good thing] because he isn't attracted to them at all.I am sure the OP can find enough women that he is physically attracted to ,for his purposes. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 12:52 am Post subject: |
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| PRD3 wrote: | | Delphiki wrote: | | This post was 2 years old. And the OP has not posted sense |
I surely would've left, too, because there was very little real helpful information here. Just a bunch of "If I can do it with no problem, then EVERYONE ELSE in the world should be able to do it with no problem, too" attitudes mixed in with some "internet gangsta" rudeness, a few senseless arguments, and other somewhat irrelevant things. At least this is what I got from reviewing the first two pages here (I admit this third page of comments here are a bit better).
I strongly recommend that anyone passionately seeking true self help to NOT use forums or the comments section of any site for advice because I've come to notice over time that a majority of what you're most likely to see will not help you, or even make you feel better at the least. While there are a few people that genuinely want to help or are trying to help, many others are just on the net to say things that make themselves feel superior than others or simply to cause unnecessary problems, hence the silly arguments and things that often tend to occur. The odds of finding someone who truly understands YOUR particular situation in a comments section are very slim. You're mainly going to get a bunch of people basically either (knowingly or unknowingly) telling you:
1. Something is wrong with you; (or) These are the things that are wrong with you (with no real info on how to actually FIX your problem or situation, or
2. I don't have certain problems in life. Therefore, I don't see how anyone else in the world could have that problem (and if you do, then you're inventing it or CHOOSING to make things difficult).
3. If I can do / handle / get through this problem, then everyone else in the world should be able to, too, or
4. I understand how you feel (but don't know what to tell ya).
5. Get over it / Grow some balls / Man up / Stop Making Excuses / Nothing is wrong with you.
and a bunch of basic "just hang in there" or "just keep trying" or "maybe some day things will magically change and get better" advice, or worst of all, the "just be yourself" or "just be nice" speech.
While I don't have any real advice myself on where to actually find help for this situation (which is obvious because I also stumbled across this same site searching for the same help), I believe my advice here, even despite how off topic it may be, is probably the best (or at least among the top best) advice given here.
I wish so deeply that forums and comments sections were good sources for help (when it comes to these types of matters and questions) and that everyone was out to truly understand and help, but that's not always the case, unfortunately.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I understand how it feels to hopelessly forever dream of meeting that female of desire who truly appreciates you for who you are only to constantly run into endless rejections, failures and "road blocks" because you're "too nice" or your personality doesn't fit the norm. Now, don't get me wrong - I am one of the few who psychologically understand why being a "nice guy" is NOT good, but just having that knowledge doesn't help me especially when I have asperger's and don't know exactly how to "change myself in a proper manner" if that makes sense (which, by the way, is another reason forums aren't of much help - because you're trying to get advice from people who are just as confused about themselves as you are about yourself in addition to folks who may not even be aware of their own problems..) It also messes with your head when you see other unimaginably successful people having success with women and you cannot understand for the life of you how in the world they can do it and you can't even manage to get one.
Let me stop there because being sympathetic and showing that "I understand" isn't going to get anyone anywhere. Bottom line is I have no real advice to the problem at hand (as I am also looking for an answer), but one thing I can say is that forums and comment sections aren't a place to go to for actual help unless you're looking for things like how to fix a PC or.... things of that nature. It's good for knowing "you're not alone" or "feeling sympathetic", or getting that "wow that's so true - he understands" feeling, but other than that.... it's pretty much a waste of time. |
wait, so you think people should ignore forum advice, then you go on to give advice on the forum? i hope that you understand that everyone who gives advice thinks they are giving the CORRECT advice, just like you.
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Mxzysptlik
Raven
Joined: Feb 15, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:42 am Post subject: |
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Aaaa
Last edited by Mxzysptlik on Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:54 am; edited 1 time in total |
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